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What Dress?
Jinggoy: Dad, ano nga palang tawag sa damit pang buntis? Fraternity dress?
Erap: Tanga! Panlalake yon. Sorrority dress dapat.
Boat
Erap with Loi on a plane to Boracay . . .
Erap: Ganda ng island.
Loi: We could have bought it.
Erap: Sana nga nagbarko na lang tayo.
Apollo 13
Jinggoy: Dad, nood tayo ng Apollo 13.
Erap: Ikaw na lang , hindi ko pa napanood ang 1-12. Hindi ko lang maintindihan.
VHS
Erap: Soli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: Anong problema?
Erap: Walang picture saka sound. Sayang suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Anong title?
Erap: Head cleaner.
Wrist Band
Q: Why does Erap always wear a band on his right wrist?
A: To enable him to distinguish his left from his right.
Fish Attack
Erap and Manoling went to the beach. After diving , a fish swallowed Erap’s dick.
He punched the fish and died.
Erap to Manoling: Kaya mo ‘yun?
Manoling: Oo naman, basta huwag mo akong susuntukin, ha?
5 Pesos
The most intelligent “ Presidentiable”, Miriam Santiago, has challenge the least
intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
Miriam: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
Erap doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam. Now, it’s his turn. He asks Miriam: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look. She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends e-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000 peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home. Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos….
The
Intelligent Horse
Erap, Joe de V and Fred Lim are soliciting campaign funds from the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan has a very intelligent horse, who understands English but is lame. Sultan says he will donate a million dollars to the candidate who can make the horse laught, cry and run. Joe says, “Me first.” (as he is accustomed to do)> He puts his face in front of the horse, and starts wiggling his huge ears. The horse enjoys the breeze, but does not laugh. Joe takes out money and waives it in front of the horse while making sad, crying sounds (nangaasar baga). The horse ignores the money, and refuses to cry. Joe then slaps the horse’s behind, and starts shouting “Heyaah” The horse ignores him and refuses to run. (The fact that the horse speaks English was totally lost on Joe, who is not very bright)> Lim comes up next. He looks at the horse and says, “Kapag di ka tumawa, papatayin kita” (“If you don’t laugh, I’ll kill you!”) Horse didn’t laugh. He walks over to the other side and says, “Kapag di ka umiyak, papa-salvage kita.” (If you don’t cry, I”ll have you salvaged. – locally, “salvage” is similar to “rub-out”) Horse didn’t cry. Finally, he stands beside the horse and says, “Kung di ka tumakbo, pipinturahan ko yung bahay mo ng “AKO’Y PILAY” (If you don’t run, I’ll paint “I’m lame” on your house) Horse didn’t run.
Erap comes to the front. He whispers something in the horse’s ear. The horse bucks and laughs so loudly, the Sultan thought it was going to die. Erap whispers again. The horse starts tow eep copiously. Finally, Erap whispers again, and the horse takes off running like a shot.
Joe and Fred are amazed. “What did you say to the horse first?” asks Joe.
Erap: “I’m the Vice President of the Philippines:.
Fred: “And how did you make him cry?”
Erap: “I told him I’m going to be the next President of the Philippines.”
“Why did he run away?” they both asked.
Erap: “I
told him if he didn’t start running now, I was going to bring him back to the
Philippines, and make him a registered Filipino voter.”
Potato
Erap is in a restaurant with three friends. One friend orders for “potato” and another
for “mashed potato”. The third friend
asks aloud what the difference is between “Potato” and “mashed potato”.
Pointing to his off-white band, Erap volunteers,
“Ito, pote’to.” Then he points to his
white shirt: “Mas pote ‘to”
Bacteria
In grade school, asked to define bacteria, Erap answers:
“It’s the backdoor of the cafeteria.”
Binoculars
At a beach resort, Erap’s friends take a motorized
banca to go the nearby island. Rushing
to the shore, Erap calls out to his friends, “hoy! Wait!” but the banca speeds
away. Erap picks up his binoculars,
focuses on his friends in the banca, and softly says, “Balik kayo! Sasama ako!”
Chippy
Ramos:
Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy? And why do you shed your tears
on the wrapper?
Erap:
Because it says here on top “Tear here”