Mulan- an abridged script

Shan-Yu:	Roar. I will invade China. My face is permanently gray. I have a mean bird.
Bird:	Squawk!
Chinese Dude:	You will never win.
Emperor:	Let's raise an army. cut to Mulan's house
Mulan:	I'm related to everyone in China. I'm such a cheater.
Dog:	I like running around and feeding chickens.
Chickens:	We like following the dog.
Fa-Zhou:	Please, dead people, help my daughter. Mulan rides to town
Assistant:	I think I'm related to you.
Mulan:	Help, I can't breathe.
Fa-Li:	Too bad.
Random kid:	Hey, I have really funny hair.
Grandmother Fa:	I'm the best character in the movie. I am cool. Here, Mulan, take these things that are lucky and hide them.
Ugly Girls:	We know exactly what to do. We have cool umbrellas.
Matchmaker:	I look like Mr. Hayden. Hmm, Mulan is first. I'm really a bitch, aren't I?
Mulan:	Crickets are tasty.
Matchmaker:	Hey, isn't it cool how the ink on Mulan's arm doesn't come off in the bathtub, but it comes off onto my hands?
Teakettle:	I am ink-resistant. You can't get me!
Matchmaker:	I like painting ink all over myself.
Cri-kee:	I'm cute. I am settling in this tea jacuzzi. I guess I can't drown even though I breathe through my exoskeleton.
Matchmaker:	HELP! MY ASS IS ON FIRE!
Mulan:	I'll pour burning hot tea onto your face. That should help.
Matchmaker:	Hey, I hate you. Looks like you won't have honor after all.
Mulan:	I'm sad. I'll sing a song as soon as I get home. (gets home) Look at me… I can wipe makeup off my face with my sleeve. See? -whoosh- All gone!
Fa-Zhou:	I don't care about that stupid matchmaker.
Chi-Fu:	Gee, I'm pretty gay aren't I? I am Mr. Hayden. I am sexist too.
Horse:	I am mean. Neigh!
Fa-Zhou:	I'm such a show-off. It takes me 20 minutes to walk to that gay guy's horse.
Mulan:	I must save my dad. I'm going to put on his one-size-fits-all armor. (cool music) My face will now shrink to make me look like a man.
Grandmother Fa:	Hey, I'm psychic. Mulan is gone.
Fa-Zhou:	What did you say? I bet she's just hiding in the closet. (runs to closet) Oh, I guess she isn't here. I could probably find her if I got a horse. But for the sake of this Disney movie, I'm going to fall down into a puddle and watch the rain stop 30 seconds after it started.
Ancestor:	My hair is cool and I'm wearing nothing under my robe.
Mushu:	I'm a real dragon. (ancestors argue, hit Mushu with gong)
Great Stone Dragon:	I refuse to wake up. Instead, I will crumble to pieces.
Mushu:	Oops I broke it. Good thing this dragon's head shrunk 20 times so that I can now balance it on my head.
Ancestor:	Looks like the Great Stone Dragon to me.
Cri-kee:	Mushu, you're such a loser. Good thing I'm lucky.
Mulan:	I keep losing my shoes cuz I'm throwing them around.
Mushu:	Mulan, I will help you.
Mulan:	Ok. I'll now get myself beat up as a result of your advice.
Khan:	I have skinny legs.
Yao:	I hate you.
Chien-Po:	I'm going to eat lots of rice. I like tofu.
Shang:	Hi. I'm a hot Asian cartoon. I have a weird nose.
Mulan:	My name is Ping. I like cooking outdoors.
Shang:	I'll now sing a song without my shirt on. I'm pretty hot. I am Donny Osmond.
Ling:	I have unlimited teeth, as they get knocked out every so often in this movie.
Shang:	Ping, go home.
Mulan:	NO! I want to stay in the army and pretend to be a man! It's the way to be! I will now miraculously figure out how to climb this wooden pole.
Shang:	Wow, you climbed the wooden pole. You can stay.
Yao:	We're friends now. cut to Huns
Horse:	Grr. I look normal. But I'm mean too.
Shan-Yu:	I have a keen sense of smell and hearing. Hmm... I sense two Imperial Scouts over there. Cool, I was right.
Hun:	I'll kill one of them for fun. cut back to army camp
Mulan:	I will now take all my clothes off and take a bath.
Ling:	My private areas are conveniently covered by a lily pad.
Yao:	I have no intention of covering up my private parts.
Chien-Po:	I'm really nice.
Shang:	We're ready to go to war.
Chi-Fu:	You can't go to war.
Mulan:	I like you. You're hot.
Shang:	I will now give you the silent treatment. Hey, you're pretty hot yourself. Oh dear, I think I'm turning gay.
Mushu:	Cri-kee, type me a letter. No, this one isn't good. I'll now throw it onto the floor where anyone can find it. Type me another one. Ok, that's good.
Panda:	I like eating slippers.
Chi-Fu:	Oh no. We need to go to war. cut to Huns
Huns:	We are psychic. We get high off of sulfur. Let's go to the village and destroy it. cut back to soldiers
Soldiers:	We feel like cattle.
Cows:	Moo.
Soldiers:	We all look the same. We go to the same barber.
Chi-Fu:	I am Mr. Hayden. I live with my mom.
Shang:	Look what I found. A burning village.
Chien-Po:	Out of these thousands of dead people I will find Shang's dad. I will bring back his helmet. The body is not important.
Shang:	Dammit. My dad died. I think I'll stick my only sword into the snow and leave it.
Mulan:	I am sorry that your dad died.
Shang:	I will now give you the silent treatment again. Hmph! Let's save the Emperor.
Mushu:	I'm going to light this cannon on fire.
Shang:	Ping, what's your problem? Ow, someone shot me. Good thing I can pull this arrow out. Everyone, run!
Chi-Fu:	I am Mr. Hayden. I'm a wimp.
Mulan:	I'm smart. I'm going to run ahead and shoot the mountain.
Shan-Yu:	Dammit, you started an avalanche. I will now slash you. ROAR!
Mulan:	I think I should run from this avalanche.
Shan-Yu:	I can't outrun this avalanche since my horse is obviously slower than Mulan.
Shang:	I'm such an idiot. I'm going to stand here dumbfounded until the avalanche crushes me.
Khan:	I am an exceptional horse with skinny legs. I run through the avalanche and save Mulan in the face of danger. I can swim through snow.
Mulan:	Forget about my life. I must save Shang.
Yao:	I will shoot this arrow with a rope conveniently attached to it.
Mushu:	I will drag this Hun's head about twenty feet through the snow.
Mulan:	Help, I'm going over the cliff.
Khan:	Not to worry, you will stay on my back the whole time.
Yao:	Cool, I found the arrow.
Rope:	I am strong. I can support a cricket, a dragon, Mulan, Shang, and a horse with skinny legs.
Shang:	Wow, you saved my life.
Mulan:	Hmm, looks like this is a pretty good time to fall down from my wound.
Shang:	Oh no!
Medic:	She's a woman.
Shang:	Alright! So I wasn't gay! Eh, I mean- What the hell?
Mulan:	I'm pretty flat. Did you know I'm related to everyone in China?
Chi-Fu:	I am Mr. Hayden. Kill Mulan!
Shang:	Damn, I missed. No second try. Let's go and leave Mulan in the mountains. Ping was a queer name anyway.
Mulan:	Look, everyone else is at least 50 miles away. I'm sad, Mushu, please spit-shine my helmet.
Mushu:	I wasn't really sent by your ancestors.
Cri-kee:	I'm not really lucky.
Khan:	I'm a sheep.
Bird:	SQUAWK!
Shan-Yu:	That's my signal to pop out of the snow, after obviously surviving the avalanche. ROAR!
Huns:	We hear a roar. We didn't die cuz we either had clothes or body fat. We're not even cold. We are invincible.
Mulan:	Hmm, I can either go home safe and sound, or I can go beat up some Huns. Oh yeah, and I get to see that really hot guy again.
Mushu:	That's a no brainer.
Mulan:	Ok, let's go.
Chinese Guy:	Make way for the heroes of China, all five of them!
Emperor:	Let's have a party. Everyone in China better be here tonight.
Shang:	Good thing I went and found Shan-Yu's sword buried in the snow after the avalanche. Of course, I put all the snow back into the hole I dug so Shan-Yu wouldn't get out.
Chi-Fu:	I am Mr. Hayden. I am pretty gay.
Sword:	Anyone ever notice that I'm the only sword in the entire movie that's got a squiggly design?
Bird:	SQUAWK!
Shan-Yu:	Mwahahahaha! I have my sword back!
Shang:	Oh no, I see a Hun! I must pull out my spare sword, since I left my original back at the burned village.
Huns:	ROAR! Let's get the emperor!
Bird:	SQUAWK!
Huns:	Let's close the door!
Shang:	Oh no! They closed the door!
Soldiers:	Let's ram this statue against the door!
Mulan:	Men are idiots. The door says Pull.
Yao, Ling, Chien-Po:	Let's put on make-up.
Shang:	Hey, Mulan is f-ing hot. I'm going to follow her!
Huns:	Look! Concubines with facial hair! Ow ow!
Mulan and guys:	Haha, we kicked your asses.
Bird:	SQUAWK!
Mushu:	Oh shut up! I'm going to burn all your feathers off.
Shang:	Let's save the Emperor!
Chien-Po:	Good idea! I will grab the Emperor and slide down this conveniently placed rope.
Mulan:	I will cut the rope down. Ha!
Shan-Yu:	No! I will kill you, Shang!
Mulan:	I must save Shang! Feel the wrath of my shoe! Duh, I was the guy from the mountains. My face will now morph into a man's!
Shan-Yu:	I remember you! I will ignore Shang and kill you instead.
Mulan:	Uh-oh. I should run. Good thing I've got this spare shoe with me.
Mushu:	Don't worry, I'll jump onto a kite and get some fireworks.
Shan-Yu:	I shall cut down all the columns I see with my squiggly sword! MWAHAHAHA!
Mulan:	I will climb onto the roof and use my terrific girl-power to defeat you!
Mushu:	I have a rocket. That should help!
Shan-Yu:	Ouch! That hurt!
Mulan:	I will somehow manage to slide down this rope and land on Shang.
Emperor:	Look, I made my way to the inside of my palace while it blew up. Hello!
Smoke:	I am soooo Chinese.
Chi-Fu:	I am Mr. Hayden. Mulan is a woman.
Shang:	No shit, Sherlock.
Emperor:	Mulan saved China. Hail Mulan.
China:	Look! Let's all bow down!
Chien-Po:	Let's all hug!
Yao:	My dress kicks ass, yo!
Shang:	Mulan, you fight good.
Emperor:	What a pick-up line.
Mulan:	I like you. You're a hot Chinese guy. I might even be related to you. Time to go home. Let's go Khan.
Khan:	Neigh. This is first time that my name is actually mentioned in the entire movie.
Mulan:	Look dad, I brought these presents from the Emperor.
Fa-Zhou:	Emperor who? I don't want these worthless gifts!
Shang:	I have come for dinner.
Grandmother Fa:	He's hot.
Shang:	Look, Mulan, I found your helmet. Somehow.
Ancestors:	Let's have a party!

Sign Guestbook