To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/1/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Sir Alfred Hitchcock was born on this date in 1899 in London, England. Ah, but is there humor in Hitchcock's work? You betcha! The flick to see is "The Trouble With Charlie." You see, Charlie's dead. He's found at the edge of the woods and then buried and then dug up and then ... just see the film. Sir Alfred said: "One man wrote to me, after I had Janet Leigh murdered in a bathtub in Psycho, that his wife had been afraid to bathe or shower since seeing the film. He asked me for suggestions as to what he should do. I wrote back, 'Sir, have you considered sending your wife to be dry-cleaned?' " "...with the help of television, murder should be brought into the home where it rightly belongs." (at a ceremony at the Film Society of Lincoln Center's honorary event on April 29, 1974) Hitch closed his speech with: "They tell me that a murder is committed every minute, so I don't want to waste any more of your time. I know you want to get to work." "To me, murder by a babbling brook drenched in sunshine is more interesting than murder in a dark and noisome alley littered with dead cats and offal." [ed: a few days later, this was posted:] Since then Sir Alfred appeared to me in a dream. Thank God he was fully clothed, elsewise I would have had myself taken in for observation. And, in this dream, Sir Alfred spake unto me and saith: "Mr. Mica, please be advized that I never did a motion picture called 'The Trouble With Charley.' The picture that I did back in 1955 which, incidently, starred Jerry (The Beaver) Mathes, was called 'The Trouble With Harry.' Now, if you can't keep my filmography straight, I shall send Neil Armstrong after you with a handful of moonrocks! And now a word from our sponsor." I awoke in a cold sweat. --jhm [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Sign on the cube wall of a network engineer: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by c:\ (By Norman Gilbert) Disclaimer from a kid's Superman costume for Halloween (stitched into the cape's tag) "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly." "Today begins National Psychic Week... but then, you knew that." [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/2/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.? Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker. Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC? Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC. Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor? Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts. Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor? Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch) Interviewer: Stop! Stop! Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch) Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit? Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker. Interviewer: "Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through? Student: "See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!" Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?" Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles." Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?" Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?" Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?" (student knows he is caught -- can't answer) Examiner (impatiently): "Well?" Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!" [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- SCROOGE, THE NEXT GENERATION: Richard Ganulin, an attorney, filed suit against the U.S. government, arguing Congress did not have the authority to declare Christmas a legal holiday because of First Amendment guarantees separating church and state. Cincinnati, Ohio, U.S. District Judge Susan J. Dlott ruled, "We are all better for Santa, the Easter Bunny too, and maybe the Great Pumpkin, to name just a few! An extra day off is hardly high treason; it may be spent as you wish, regardless of reason. One is never jailed, for not having a tree, for not going to church, for not spreading glee! The court will uphold, seemingly contradictory causes, decreeing 'The Establishment' and 'Santa' both worthwhile claus(es)." Ganulin said he will appeal the ruling. (AP) ...The trial court has erred, the lawyer will say. It's illegal to sanction a bank holiday. It's OK for government to say no to a drug, but its position on Christmas must be 'Humbug'! [ THIS IS TRUE for 19 Dec ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/5/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors." --Dave Barry "If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing." --Kingsley Amis "A billion here and a billion there, and soon you're talking about real money." --Sen. Everett McKinley Dirksen [ various ] -=========================================- There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. [ Oracle Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/6/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- Written by Alan Silverstein, Hewlett Packard, circa 1983: PLACE(1){hfill} Parody Systems{hfill} PLACE(1) NAME place - print and set the system location SYNOPSIS place [ [-v] [-]ddmmss[-]dddmmss ] [ +format ] DESCRIPTION If no argument is given, or if the argument begins with ``+'', the current location (latitude and longitude) are printed. Otherwise, the current location is set by teleporting the system. The first dd is the degrees of latitude (negative for south); mm is the minutes of latitude; ss is the seconds of latitude. The second ddd is the degrees of longitude (negative for west); and so on. For example: place 385100-1050300 sets the location of the system to the top of Pikes Peak, Colorado. The correct altitude is automatically provided and cannot be specified. The system operates in feet. Place takes care of the conversion to and from local standard measurement units. When a new location is set, all logged-in terminals and users are transported along with all other system peripherals. If the -v (verbose) option is specified when a new location is set, place prints a running description of the locations the system passes through enroute to the given destination. Note that this can slow down transport time considerably, from instantaneous to however long it takes to print the description to standard output. This option is not recommended if stdout is a terminal connected at less than 4800 baud, since hitting BREAK can leave the system stranded. Attempting to set the place off-planet generates a warning, and requires an extra confirmation from the (super)user. If the argument begins with ``+'', the output of place is under the control of the user. The format for the output is similar to that of date(1). All output fields which use hours, minutes, or seconds are applicable (substitute "degrees" for hours, where appropriate). Place writes an accounting record on the file /usr/adm/wtmp. DIAGNOSTICS No permission -- If you aren't the super-user and you try to move the system. bad conversion -- If the place set is syntactically incorrect, or below sea level. bad format character -- If the field descriptor is not recognizable. FILES /dev/kmem /usr/adm/wtmp /usr/lib/altitudes AUTHOR Alan Silverstein, Hewlett-Packard SEE ALSO date(1), whereami(1) BUGS If there is not a supply of compatible electric power at the new location, the system usually crashes before place finishes writing accounting information to /usr/adm/wtmp. This command should not be used on systems connected to a Local Area Network, for obvious reasons. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/7/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." --Steven Wright "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." --Steven Wright "The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does." [ various ] -=========================================- "The present century will not terminate till January 1, 1801, unless it can be made out that 99 are 100... It is a silly, childish discussion, and only exposes the want of brains of those who maintain a contrary opinion to that we have stated" --The Times, 26 December 1799 [ alt.tech-support.recovery ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/8/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A fragment of a drinking (or financing?) song called "Hatless Atlas": ^<@<.@* }"_# | -@$&/_% !( @|=> ;`+$?^? ,#"~|)^G hat less at less point at star backbrace double base pound space bar dash at cash and slash base rate wow open tab at bar is great semi backquote plus cash huh DEL comma pound double tilde bar close BEL [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] -=========================================- -It occurred to me today that we should be celebrating Y2K in the year 2048, not 2000. It then occurred to me that I need to get out more. PENDLETON, Ind. (AP) -- Officials are considering changing the name of Pendleton Middle School or at least removing its initials from athletic uniforms to avoid embarrassment for its girls' teams. [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/10/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: > In the last exciting episode, Brian wrote: > }well, AFAIK skynet didn't gain sentience in 1997. however, the new > }Microsoft Chief Financial Officer's name is John Conner. > > "I know the day it happens. On August 29, 1997 it's going to feel > pretty fucking real to you too. Anybody not wearing two million sun > block is going to have a real bad day. Get it?"[1] > > So, is John going to travel back in time and screw it all up for us now > that we've gotten past this armageddon moment? Yeah, he did. And they called it "Windows 95". [ alt.sysadmin.recovery ] -=========================================- Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son." The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...." [ SCOC Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/12/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: An Irish judge, pounding for order at a trial, shouted, "We want nothin' by silence, an' very little of that." "Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever." --Anonymous "Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way." --Daniele Vare [ various ] -=========================================- Whilst watching the idiot box yesterday, there was a show about some DNA program being run. Bill Gates had invested $5 million into it, so they interviewed him and he responded as such: "We should be able to debug DNA the same way we debug software." Be afraid. [Note - originally by Mark Denholm (gigs@ihug.co.nz), posted with his permission. Insert your favorite BSOD, GPF or illegal operation joke here - ed.] [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/14/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Reported as a true story: When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing or missing an assigned trip. This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's someone calling for your husband." Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period. From the book "Cabin Pressure" by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press Reproduced with permission of the authors. All typos and any inaccuracies are the fault of the submitter, not Harwell and Spiro. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] -=========================================- ENEMY WANTED -- Mature, lonely, North American superpower seeks hostile-sounding and muscular-looking but internally moribund nation for international competitive bluster, mutual threat inflation, political-military gymnastics and general bellicose finger pointing. Looking to fill post-Cold War ennui and lost missile envy. Scare-mongers who relish dogmatic confrontation, able to appear 10 feet tall, and willing to build real and imaginary mirror image weapon systems need only apply. Must appear sufficiently menacing to frighten more money and previous Cold War-era weapon systems out of Congress, but must threaten only opponent's marginal interests, and must not present any real intellectual challenge. Accompaniment by fierce, Third World allies who know how to fight is also not desirable. Oafish, senile leaders definitely a plus. Possession of large, phallic ballistic missiles (large throw weight only), and/or chem-bio also a plus--willful violations of feckless arms control agreements will earn continuing thanks. Location: preferably near enough to threaten petroleum and trade markets to ensure perpetual business as usual. Reply with videos of goose-stepping troops, parade-optimized tank battalions, U.S. flag burnings, chanting, dazed eyed crowds, and haranguing, incoherent speeches. Send c/o "Shali," The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. Please no publicity shy competents or third world nations that have previously embarrassed advertiser. [ Joke Mailer ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/15/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: I saw this again, and here are the ones I've never seen before] RULES OF COMBAT 3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 1. When you're ready for them. 2. When you're not ready for them. 10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 11. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 12. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 14. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 15. When in doubt empty the magazine. 17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. 18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. 27. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. 28. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 29. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. [ Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- HONEST: Norman Hardy Jr., 22, pleaded innocent in court in Brattleboro, Vt., to charges of cocaine possession. Then he filled out a form requesting a public defender to represent him. Occupation? "Selling drugs," he wrote on the form. The judge granted the request for a public defender. (AP) ...Possession of cocaine: guilty. Possession of brain: not guilty. [ THIS IS TRUE ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/16/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." --Rita Rudner "Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves." --Homer Simpson "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy." --Woody Allen [ various ] -=========================================- I want a Frog Magnetic Levitation Hockey game. It would be loosely based on an Air Hockey table. It would require remote controls so it could be played from far enough away from all that magnetism that our Leathermen wouldn't go tearing straight forward through our butts. OTOH, Naked Co-ed Frog Magnetic Levitation Hockey could have its moments too. This new game might provide hours and hours of recovery. Anthony DeBoer [ alt.sysadmin.recovery ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/17/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this: On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that: *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.* Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- "How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?" --Woody Allen "I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." --Movie: Manhattan Murder Mystery "I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism. What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car." --Movie: Ferris Bueller's Day Off [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/18/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: It appears as if we have passed by the Millennium Bug without too much hassle. Or have we? I believe that, in are naivity, we have paid too much attention to our calendars, and not enough attention to Microsoft's reputation. I warn you now, dear friends, prepare for the Microsoft Y2K bug, for as with everything else, I believe that Microsoft have delayed the release of their Y2K bug until June! You have been warned. [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, there's going to be one big-ass fight over where to set the thermostat. -- Jim Rosenberg I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters. --petro My Win98 installation has been doing that for months.. German, English, and Dutch, all intermingled. What's so frightening about that? -- Jasper Janssen You mean seeing "Reboot Macht Frei" on your screen? -- Greg Andrews [ various ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/20/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: DIFFERENT STROKES - submitted by Anton Groot ____________________________ Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." "Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs? "The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it." [ Joke-Of-The-Day ] -=========================================- A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says "Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!" He replies, "That's okay. I have two proofs." [ alt.humor.funny.reruns ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/21/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Sun would make a Java-powered car phone. It would only go 10 km/hr, and you'd have to stop at every Starbucks for a refill. -- Paul Tomblin Q. What is the definition of true male eloquence? A. When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands. -We either are networking, or we areNT networking...route to host lost [ various ] -=========================================- I was just surfing on a nameless geek clothing outlet and I saw this cool kids t-shirt that said "child process" across the front. As I got my credit card out and was starting to purchase one for each of my daughters, my wife walked in and asked me what I was buying. I showed her the picture of the shirt and she tilted her head and asked, "Don't you routinely kill child processes?" I closed the browser and opted instead to show my affection for my girls by reading them a story. [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/23/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [Re: Anakin building C3PO out of spare parts for free] What I wanna know is where he got the language databases for the over six million forms of communication. Building a droid doesn't look too hard, based on evidence. Populating that droid with knowledge that is likely exceedingly expensive is not a walk in the park. -- Eric The Read alt.binaries.warez.protocol-droids.c3 This also explains what tempted him to his first steps toward the "dark side." It's only a very short step from that to Palpatine seeing a post along the lines of: "CA|\| NE1 0N Th]5 BB0ARD T3Ll M3 H0w 2 GeT KeWL S]Th P0WeRZ!?!?!?!??!?" The rest is, well, a couple more overly-hyped ILM graphics demos. -- henke [ ASR Quotes ] -=========================================- That's why there's no toilets on the Enterprise. They just beam it straight into the mass tanks from your body, much more efficient. -- Peter da Silva This gives new insight into why the engineering crew works so hard to get the system back online when the transporters go down. -- Ansel [ ASR Quotes ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/23/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." Remember - if all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun. -Frossie [ various ] -=========================================- ``Turn off your targeting computer, Luke. Software sucks. Hardware sucks. You have a better chance of making this shot by guessing.'' ``Now we're going to run through the woods. Well, not quite. You're going to put me in a backback and run through the woods carrying me. Why? *You're* the PFY.'' -- Rodger Donaldson As one notices, Ben has been around the block far too many times. He has the BOFH nature. Luke, OTOH, goes for this crap hook, line, and sinker. He has the PFY nature. -- Anthony DeBoer By RotJ, of course, Luke also has BOFH nature. Note how he calmly goes to the HR department^W^W^WJabba's lair. Note how he calmly asks for his friends back. Note how he calmly annihilates all about him when he doesn't get what he wants. Still, Jedi mind tricks would be great for BOFHen facing internal audits: ``These E10000s aren't the budget overruns you're looking for.'' -- Rodger Donaldson [ ASR Quotes ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/24/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A heisenbug jumps around the system; if you look at it, it disappears only to manifest in a seemingly totally unrelated place. A schroedinbug is one where the bug exists for years, and theoretically would prevent the program from working, but because no one is aware of it it doesn't. However, eventually somebody looks at the code and goes "That couldn't *possibly* work!" at which point, it ceases to. Schroedinbugs are an inverse case of the Hundredth Monkey problem. -- Joe Thompson Bohr Bug: A repeatable bug; one that manifests reliably under a possibly unknown but well-defined set of conditions. Mandelbug: A bug whose underlying causes are so complex and obscure as to make its behavior appear chaotic or even non-deterministic. This term implies that the speaker thinks it is a Bohr bug, rather than a heisenbug. -- David Jacoby (quoting the Jargon File) [ ASR Quotes ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/26/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: If practical quantum computers ever become reality, the one thing we can be sure of is that they'll suck. But they'll suck in multiple universes simultaneously, which is probably a first. -- Malcolm Ray "We are either doing something, or we are not. 'Talking about' is a subset of 'not'." First time I've gotten a programming job that required a drug test. I was worried they were going to say "you don't have enough LSD in your system to do Unix programming". -Paul Tomblin "I'm not lean and mean, I'm surly and anorexic". -Chris "Saundo" Saunderson To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/27/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: My vision of how the AOL/Time Warner merger *really* was planned goes something like this: The scene: Steve Case's home in McClean, Virginia. The lighting is oddly dark and menacing, and in addition to the open wine bottle on the table, there are some odd burbling beakers visible in the background ... Gerry Levin: "So, Steve, what do you want to do tonight?" Steve Case: "What we do every night, Gerry. Try to take over the world!" [Note - They're Gerry, they're Gerry and the Case, Case, Case, Case... - ed.] [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- I was woolgathering while a cow-orker was talking to a customer on the phone, and something he said triggered a vision... I saw Neo in _The Matrix_ being pumped full of training programs for ten hours. Then Morpheus enters. (MORPHEUS looks expectantly down at NEO) (NEO opens his eyes and looks at MORPHEUS in wonderment) NEO: I know Sendmail! MORPHEUS: Show me. And later on, the annoying little PFY runs into the cafeteria announcing to the BOFH's "Morpheus is spamming Neo!" I needed more caffeine this morning... [ alt.system.recovery ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/29/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: I'm picturing Windows NT jamming a network backbone going "la la la la I can't hear you la la la la la". -Graham Reed They used to advertise it claiming, "If you've eaten a banana and drank some milk you've had everything in n*sweet." My reply was, "You've also had everything in potassium cyanide. So what?" -Joe Zeff I'm still waiting for the marketing slogan: "Retry Reboot Reinstall Reformat Redhat" -- Alan If USENET is anarchy, IRC is a paranoid schizophrenic after 6 days on speed. -- Chris "Saundo" Saunderson [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/30/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Remember the McDonalds' Coffee case? Here is another (maybe true) angle: http://www.lectlaw.com/files/cur78.htm [ From the Electric Law Library ] -=========================================- Actually, we have scientifically determined that Heisenberg did indeed sleep exactly here. However, we have no idea whatsoever just how fast asleep he was. -- Dave Aronson Light a fire for a luser and he'll be warm for a night; set a luser on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. -- fun When computers emit smoke, it means they've chosen a new Pope. Unfortunately, they invariably choose the wrong one and immediately get condemned to nonfunctionality for heresy. -- Anthony DeBoer [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/3/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal'. William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who its friends are. -- Kyle Hearn ThisemailhasbeenbroughttoyoubyJOLTCola, favoredbyssysadmins,netadminsandprogrammerseverywhere. JOLTCola--forallthesugarandtwicethecaffine(R). -- Mark P. Beckman "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." --Douglas Adams [ various ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/6/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Hidden Settings in Win2000: http://www.annoyances.org/cgi-bin/ce-showtopic/009_009 -=========================================- My wife received a copy of the following at her law firm. It purports to be true. For those of you who don't know, a "deposition" is a transcript of pre-trial testimony. These transcripts tend to be thick documents. To: all attorneys Subject: Depositions and Their Use A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange: *The Court:* Next witness. *Ms. Olschner:* Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition. *The Court:* You mean read it? *Ms. Olschner:* No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that is the purpose for which I want to use it. *The Court:* Well, it does say that. (Pause.) *The Court:* There being no objection, you may proceed. *Ms. Olschner:* Thank you, Judge Hanes. (Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a deposition.) *Mr. Buck:* But Judge... *The Court:* Next witness. *Mr. Buck:* We object. *The Court:* Sustained. Next witness. End transcript. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/1/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: > I seek to compile a list of strange items, debris, wreckage, and flotsam that > could float out of a gateway located on the sea. One end of the gateway shifts > around to various worlds and dimensions while the other end (that stuff floats > out of) is firmly anchored in one location. An abandoned and apparently derelict 1930's tramp freighter whose cargo hold is sealed with a strange combination lock in the form of a miniature Stargate DHD. Any attempt to break into the hold or scan its contents with active or passive sensors without opening the lock will fail spectacularly, with all tools and instruments used totally destroyed. The engines appear to be in perfect working order, except that the fuel oil bunkers are three quarters full of strawberry jam. The bridge appears to be perfectly normal for a boat of this type and vintage, with the exception of a bright red button on the helm labeled "Turbo" that appears to connected with nothing. All charts also appear normal issue for that period, with manual notations on some to avoid certain areas "at all cost." Crew quarters contain a usual assortment of personal items, with the following exceptions; a) there are no hair/skin care implements or products of any kind, b) all photographs are blurry and indisinct, c) written materials are all in a strange unearthly language, and finally d) all "beds" are bare pallets inclined at 60 degrees from horizontal. The captain's cabin is much the same, except a) the bed is normal (horizontal with mattress, sheets and pillow), b) a set of commemorative plates for the 20th anniversary voyage of the Titanic, and c) a ship's manifest listing only "Misc. Items - U.S. Government Warehouse 23." The galley is fully equipped and spotless, but the only provisions in the food locker are an unopened crate of lime jello powder and a 30 gallon drum of vindaloo(sp?) sauce. The rest of the ship is quite filthy, smelling of old socks and honeysuckle. There is no evidence of vermin of any kind. [ rec.games.frp.gurps ] -=========================================- "There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." --Douglas Adams No, he's just *a* lionel - didn't you hear about the man who lost his left side ? He's all right now :p. "Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective." --P. J. O'Rourke [ various ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/7/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Some new-year resolutions I've learned from movies: =================================================== Practice population control. (Aliens) Don't use pesticides. (A Bug's Life) Learn to swim. (Titanic) Enjoy life as you never know when your expiration date may come up. (Blade Runner) Make a friend (in jail). (The Shawshank Redemption) Take your daily vitamins. (The Matrix) Don't fight with others. (Apocalypse Now) Fall in love... at least once. (Gone With the Wind) Avoid lead poisoning. (Saving Private Ryan) Don't be a glutton! (Seven) [ DVD websites ] -=========================================- "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." --Mark Russell "The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!" --Mark Russell Earth is a beta site. [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/12/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A message just came in through BUGTRAQ wherein the poster described how he had contacted Microsoft about the possibility of disabling HTML support in Outlook for security reasons. Their response was that this was not possible. Here's why: >The current conventional logic behind why we do not have a html to text >converter is the overhead that would be placed on the machine, browser and >email app that would seriously hinder performance. [ alt.sysadmin.recovery ] -=========================================- > > After careful research, it has been determined that a resource was > > completely ignored in the frenzy of Y2K testing and has now surfaced > > to haunt Sysadmin and Technical Support personnel. The EBCC/LIC(1) > > isn't Y2K compliant and should be handled with extreme care until a > > patch can be created and applied. > > > (1) Equipment Between Computer and Chair/ Luser in Chair > > I assume s/patch/chainsaw/ and s/.$/ to the head./ ? Close. Given your changes, s/chainsaw/boot/. [ alt.sysadmin.recovery ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/13/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Mickey and Rotunda are in bed at her home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. "Oh, no! It's my husband!" cries Rotunda. Mickey cries, "Where's your back door?" "We don't have a back door!" says Rotunda. "Well," says Mickey, "where would you *like* a back door?" [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- At Sprint Corp., the only incident related to the date change happened around midnight on New Year's Eve in Atlanta, where a single aerial fiber-optic cable was severed by a gunshot, said Dennis Huber, vice president of network operations and systems management at Sprint, in Kansas City, MO. [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/15/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." --Oscar Wilde "The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any." --Katherin Whitehorn "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." --Woody Allen To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/16/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Jerry298@austin.relay.ucm.org swears this really happened to him... OK. Here goes. I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Don't ask, I never did). What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down. This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed up. They had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off. I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot August wind was roaring through the car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave it a good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window. Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yep, that damned raft started to inflate right there in the VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear, amazement, and a sense of "this really can't be happening!" In the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering wheel hard enough that I couldn't really see where I was going, and started pushing the windows that weren't down out of their frames, and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road. By this time the real chaos had started. The girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason was laughing like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me when all this started had turned on his siren. I finally got the car to the center median, and stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the door and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time breathing. I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and somewhat coherent. He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said no, he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we could and went back to my place. The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that all that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside the car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had talked to the OHP cop. I can look back on this now and laugh. But for about 5 years after that happened, anytime someone (Jason usually) mentioned it, all I could do was turn red in the face. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] -=========================================- A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." [ Oracle Humor ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/18/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: It took them a week, and a bad bout of ballot-box-rigging, but the right-wing Canadian "united alternative" conference delegates finally took a head count and settled on "The Conservative-Reform Alliance Party" to name the new alliance of the Progressive-Conservative and Reform parties. Oooh, I bet the creative juices were just slopping out all over the place over that one. But this may be good news: Now, whether or not they beat the reigning Liberal party in the polls, the supporters of the new Alliance party can truthfully say, "I voted for CRAP, and that is exactly what I got!" [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- Aver wanted to memorize the value of PI to the 407th place? How about doing this using a variation of Edge Allan Poe's "The Raven"? Try it: http://users.aol.com/s6sj7gt/mikeaan.htm To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/19/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: ABC's Good Morning America show today interviewed an expert on military history, who said something that I didn't know, namely, that Saddam Hussein actually has a law degree. He went on to point out that the degree was granted under somewhat unusual circumstances: Saddam Hussein was accompanied by two heavily armed guards into the examination room, and apparently it was felt that there was no need to grade the exam. Upon hearing this, my first thought was that Saddam had cheated. But the expert quickly pointed out that the incident demonstrates that Saddam really has an excellent understanding of Iraqi law. [ rec.humor.funnt.reruns ] -=========================================- When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behaviour was 100% repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led astray by hunting and pecking. [ed: PBKAC = Problem Between Keyboard and Chair ] [ Jokes R Us ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/22/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Two cows are standing in a paddock. First cow: I'm a bit concerned about this mad cow disease that's going around. Second cow: I'm not worried, it doesn't affect penguins. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- An observation I had while watching the Westminster Dog Show: Watch a dog show some time. See how the judges look over the animals, examine their teeth, peer into their eyes, poke, and prod them. Watch the dogs get pranced around, doing things very unnatural to dogs. After the show, the dogs probably go home and talk to other dogs that aren't show dogs, and tell them what went on. The other dogs probably think they're nuts. Then listen to some people's UFO abductions stories. [ rec.humor.funny ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/25/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender." -W.C. Fields Why do the voices never say, "Your dosage needs adjustment"? Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/27/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. -- Erma Bombeck Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." --Hunter S. Thompson [ various ] -=========================================- [ed: this is a great rant by a sysadmin *sick* of spam. May be Offensive.] Hello, my name is Tate. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, they will be handsomely rewarded by MicroShit. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $800? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 2/28/2000 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: (Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office) Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be sent to president@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President should be addressed to vice-president@whitehouse.gov. However, most people don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed to root@whitehouse.gov. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] -=========================================- THANK YOU FOR CALLING: Tom Mabe really hates telemarketers. "When you're self-employed, you jump when the phone rings, hoping it's a client, not a doggone telemarketer," he said. At first, the Louisville, Ky., musician was patient -- " I was nice for weeks!" -- but when the calls wouldn't let up he started playing gags on the salespeople. "They'd call about a security system and I'd say, 'I'm robbing the place right now, but you might want to try back later'." He told a funeral parlor trying to sell a burial plan he was waiting for a sign from God as to whether he should kill himself, and the funeral call was it. "You're the angel of death, man," he told him. The gag apparently did not perturb the funeral man. "If we can get the paperwork out to you this afternoon, can you hold off [killing yourself] until tomorrow?" was the reply. (AP) ...Telemarketers driving you to suicide? Don't do it! Please go after the telemarketers instead. [ THIS IS TRUE ]