To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/1/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: I'm a die-hard Star Wars fan, but even this makes me groan.] Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats, with light sabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face. "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said. "Ohhh, yes! I know!" Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach. "How do you know!?" Luke yelled. "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glance. "I felt your presents." [Joke Mailer] -=========================================- A few years back, I saw a young child stuck in a tree. Nowadays, when I find myself in a troubling situation, I look back and wonder if that kid saw me take that chocolate bar from his backpack on the ground. --Tom Wigington My friends accused me of being a hypochondriac, which made me think: What if I *am* a hypochondriac, in addition to all these other ailments I have? --Jenny Wong Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. --John A. Hrastar I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement park ride, it would be really successful. It scares ME half the time and I know what's in it. --R.M. Weiner Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach hundreds of men to steal fish and give you a percentage... WHOA! You could pretty much retire! --Claire Voltaire I was just thinking about the carefree summer days of my youth I used to spend running through the fields and meadows, dancing with butterflies and singing with the birds. Man, those days sucked. --Chris Malysiak Sometimes as I lie in the grassy fields next to my house and look at the starry nighttime sky, I can't help but think, "I sure am glad giant ants ain't eating my head." --Chris Kolakowski Well, I think I'll call it a day -- because after all, that's what it is. --Tom Sims Sometimes when I witness a horrible car-pedestrian accident, I think that maybe I should take time from my busy day to stop and help the innocent victim. Usually, though, I panic and speed away to the nearest carwash to clean the blood from my bumper. --Tom Caldwell You know, if you really want to make your mark on the world, you don't need fancy clothes or a cool car. All you really need is a big fat Magic Marker. And if you get a permanent one, nobody can wash it off later. --Mariano Arguedas Power corrupts, and Absolut vodka messes me up absolutely. --Mike Hayward Sometimes, it's better to lie to children. For example, when a child asks if they were adopted, say "yes" and lovingly explain that you have to be extra special to be adopted. Under no circumstances use the word, "kidnapped." --Dave James I think fences just separate us as humans. When you put up a fence, you are saying, "Hey, I don't need anyone else. I'm independent." So when someone drives through your fence, you shouldn't lose your head. Also, it was my brother in-law's car anyway. --Nick DeCamp If ignorance is bliss then I must be the happiest thingamajigee in the whatchamacallit! --R.M. Weiner When I see the word "manslaughter", I like to think: "man's laughter", and then I don't feel so bad. Unfortunately, Grandpa was charged with aggravated homicide. --Bob Van Voris [Kieth Sullivan] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/2/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: NEW LANGUAGE POEM The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS Magazine. The original authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of Grand Rapids, MI. A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters <, though some readers held out resolutely for "norkies." The text of the poem follows: < > ! * ' ' # ^ " ` $ $ - ! * = @ $ _ % * < > ~ # 4 & [ ] . . / | { , , SYSTEM HALTED The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as follows: Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Pipe curly-bracket comma comma CRASH. [ G Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY (Excerpts) The following definitions are taken from the original book by Rick Bayan. The selections are randomized so you can keep reloading and not see the same set of definitions each time. But even if you return a zillion times, what you see here is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Of course, you can order a copy and see the whole iceberg at once. ACADEMIA -- A chronic disease characterized by a compulsion to write lengthy specialized treatises in unintelligible vocabularies, for the purpose of rising in the esteem of those similarly afflicted. AFRICAN ELEPHANT -- Ivory on the hoof; the unfortunate custodian of impressive dental works that have struck the fancy of man and thus secured it a place in history alongside flying reptiles and Phoenicians. ALIENATION -- The demoralizing sensation of being an outsider among insiders; a malaise frequently experienced by adolescents, American Indians, elderly folks residing in a state other than Florida, and liberal arts graduates entering the business world as clerk-typists. AMUSEMENT PARK -- A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting. ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION -- Procreation without recreation. BARBARIAN -- Member of a vigorous, rough-mannered horde that delights in the destruction of advanced civilizations; e.g., the Goths in Rome, the Spaniards in Peru, and teenage street dudes in cities across the American republic. BOOKCASE -- A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. BOSS -- A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies. CAPITAL PUNISHMENT -- The controversial right of the state to end a life by gassing, shooting, hanging, needling or quick-frying; believed effective as a deterrent to future crimes by the same individual. The common fate of incorrigible convicts and homeless pets. CELIBACY -- A respite from the pleasures and perils of sexual congress; a way of life traditionally practiced by Catholic priests, monks, Shakers, stamp collectors, overly zealous careerists, "Star Trek" fans, hermits and amoebas. CHIC -- Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. COFFEE -- A mud-brown beverage consisting of granulated tropical beans methodically dribbled into scalding water, and consumed in copious quantities for its power to produce a satisfactory level of nervous agitation. CONSULTANT -- A jobless person who shows executives how to work. CORPORATION -- A miniature totalitarian state governed by an unelected hierarchy of officials who take a dim view of individualism, free speech, equality and eggheads. The backbone of all Western democracies. DOWNSIZING -- Corporate euphemism for "Let's save a little money by firing half our staff and making the other suckers work twice as hard." ENVELOPE, PUSHING THE -- A slow, deliberate and continuous erosion of genteel media taboos, with no end in sight: a mild expletive here, an exposed buttock there... then a harsher expletive and two exposed buttocks, not necessarily from the same individual... then images of bare-buttocked teenagers using expletives in the presence of nuns... nuns in their underwear... NAKED nuns... naked DEAD nuns decapitated on live TV... as we sit on our sofas and pass the nachos. EROGENOUS ZONE -- By current reckoning, any region of the human topography with the possible exception of the elbows. FASHION -- Today's rage, tomorrow's chuckle. FAX -- A modern enhancement of the telephone, enabling us to send and receive illegible information in seconds; also ideal for communicating bad news without the inconvenience of having to talk to the person at the other end. GENETIC ENGINEERING -- Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. GUERRILLA WARFARE -- A rude modern mode of back-country combat that preserves all the traditional miseries of war (e.g., serious injury, death, destruction of property) with none of the benefits (glory, decisive victories, spiffy uniforms). HYPERACTIVE CHILDREN -- A cheap and relatively clean energy source that might be put to good use after we deplete the planet's supply of fossil fuels. JOB -- A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning. MUGGER -- A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. NATURAL SELECTION -- The reproductive screening process by which the gods determine whose genes will represent the future of the species, based solely on a proclivity for fruitful sex; a phenomenon that does not bode well for monks, nerds, women with ticking clocks, reclusive scholars, a significant percentage of interior decorators, and other mild-mannered gentlefolk. Proof positive that Providence favors the lusty over the learned, and that human evolution will eventually return us to our rowdy Paleolithic roots. OBITUARY -- A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for the neighbor's parakeet. PERSONAL COMPUTER -- Man's best friend for the post-canine era: a gentle, undemanding companion who demonstrates infinite patience with our mental limitations... who never criticizes our table manners or maligns us in front of the neighbors... and who asks only that we provide it with a sturdy table, an electrical outlet and, every so often, a major project to eat. REFRIGERATOR -- A communal coffin for decomposing animal and vegetable carcasses and parts thereof; the centerpiece of every American home. ROCK 'N' ROLL -- A raucous musical rendering of adolescent glandular activity, peddled to receptive teens since the 1950s as a cheap and relatively bloodless means of overthrowing parental authority, along with most of the accumulated values of Western civilization. SALARY -- A market value assigned to professionals as a function of their scarcity, their usefulness to employers and their ability to feign enthusiasm for their work. SCHIZOPHRENIA -- Not the proverbial split personality, but a long retreat from life's battles and unpleasantness into a shadow-world where the trees have ears, and dogs recite "Hiawatha" in a Swedish accent; considered pathological except among modern poets and performance artists, in whom it may be regarded as the norm. THERMODYNAMICS, SECOND LAW OF -- The natural tendency of all things to deteriorate and get messy over time: civilizations, relationships, ripe bananas, tidy apartments or human bodies. VOTING -- The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone. WILDLIFE MANAGEMENT -- The periodic massacre of formerly endangered animals that have lately enjoyed unexpected success in their amorous activities. YOGURT -- A thriving colony of bacteria swimming in curdled milk; a pleasantly sour concoction said to extend the life spans of Caucasian mountain-folk, at least when consumed in conjunction with fresh air, vigorous goat-chasing and a stress-free work environment. Popular in the U.S., especially among dieters, who enjoy it laced with sugar and preserves. YOUTH -- The too-brief span wherein the human chassis is factory-fresh, undented and free of corrosion; a pristine condition worshipped by menopausal women in sweatsuits and shrinking men with chestnut-brown toupees, while those who actually possess it are frequently too shallow or despondent to appreciate it. [ Hearst Books, an imprint of William Morrow and Co., Inc. ] [ Cynic's Santuary ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 1/3/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: HMMMMM ~ I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there. ~ I once found a throw rug in a catch basin. ~ When will all the rhetorical questions end? ~ We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage? ~ A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up. ~ Once, at school, I received a dressing down for not dressing up. ~ "No comment" is a comment. ~ If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? ~ Why do we say "redheaded" but "brownhaired"? ~ Environmentalists changed the word "jungle" to "rain forest," because no one would give them money to save a jungle. ~ Same with swamps and wetlands. ~ I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army. ~ What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part? ~ How can "crash course" and "collision course" have two different meanings? [ Humor From The Edge ] -=========================================- Dear Doctor Science, What do protons and electrons do for a good time? Where do they do it? -- Bob Zuber from Miami, FL Electrons go to any popular subatomic particle bar to meet protons. Being negative by nature, they consume large amounts of alcohol in a vain attempt to charge themselves up. What happens after that is none of my business. Protons, being many times more massive than electrons, frequent trendy spas and gyms. These are good places to show off what they want other charged particles to see. Uncharged particles, or neutrons, also have their own gathering places, although neutrons are often the victims of harassment by immature particles who are insecure about their own valence. [ Dr. Science ] -=========================================- Dear Doctor Science, What are sea monkeys anyway? -- Larry Horn from Atlanta, GA The sea monkey is a distant cousin to the lake baboon and ocean gorilla. Long ago, in prehistory, our Neanderthal ancestors discovered fire, the wheel, and the knife--all on the same day. This frightened some Neanderthals. These dissenters decided to go back into the ocean and start over. Sea monkeys, then, are actually apes that want to be amoebas. You can train sea monkeys to do simple tricks, but remember, these tiny apes are very shy creatures, with a paranoid, morbid fear of just about everything. So each trick they learn is just one more step down the road of devolution. [ Dr. Science ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 06/01/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: TRUE LESSONS II: The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of Plainview, N.Y., has recalled an "anti-drug" pencil it was giving to local school children. The pencils have the slogan "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on them, but as the pencils are sharpened down, the message becomes "Cool to Do Drugs" and, later, "Do Drugs". When shown the unintended message, a spokeswoman for the Bureau noted the group was "actually a little embarrassed that we didn't notice that sooner." The pencils will be redone with the message text printed the other way. (AP) ...Then they can start work on the ones that say "Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk". [ THIS is TRUE for 27 December ] -=========================================- At work all our Unix servers are named after planets. My co-worker recieved a message this morning: "Cannot find Earth" I feel like that some Mondays, myself. I was a bit more worried however when I received the message: "Earth Going down in 5 minutes. Please log out" [ alt.humor ] -=========================================- A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!" [ alt.humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/09/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Software engineering: Looking for a black cat in a dark room Systems engineering: Looking for a black cat in a dark room in which there is no cat Knowledge engineering Looking for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it !" [ alt.humor ] -=========================================- Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- The Senior Driver As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" [ Oracle Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/12/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: If the 900 million Barbies that have been produced since the 1950's formed their own government, they would be the third largest nation in the world. Should we be concerned? [ alt.humor ] -=========================================- Subject: Quote of the year Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey who, when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?" [ alt.humor ] -=========================================- Silly Computer Acronyms: ----------------------- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI: System Can't See It DOS: Defective Operating System BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW: World Wide Wait MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code [ alt.humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/13/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF STATISTICS * Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed * All polar bears are left-handed * If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear * 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles * 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles * Work stuffs up your eyesight * All dogs are animals * All cats are animals * Therefore, all dogs are cats * A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second * Ten babies are conceived around the world every second * Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant [ Keith Sullivan ] -=========================================- CHILD BAFFLED BY STATIONARY, NON-VIOLENT IMAGES NEWTON, MA -- Local first-grader Jamie Linnell is in stable condition following exposure to a static, non-confrontational image Tuesday. The image, a 1947 Life magazine photo of a woman tending to a rose garden, left Linnell in a state of panic and disorientation. "Jamie was turning the picture in all directions, desperately shaking it in an attempt to make it move," the boy's mother, Rita Linnell, told reporters. "He was frightened and trembling, and he kept asking me, 'Mommy, why isn't this exploding?' Then he collapsed to the floor." Linnell regained consciousness after receiving emergency doses of Tekken 3. [ The Onion ] -=========================================- Fighting with lightsabers seems to be such a dangerous sport. I would think that there would be fewer Jedi Knights named "Obi-wan" and more named "Lefty." --Chris Akre Giving gifts to children during Christmas and seeing the smile on their faces is something to remember. However, seeing their faces after yanking the same gifts right back out of their hands is truly unforgetable. --Jeff Grant You know what would be cool? If on New Year's Eve of the eve of the year 1999, right at midnight, we get 1 million people to point their lazer pointers at the moon and blast it out of orbit. --Ken Prentice As a CIA employee, whenever I hear that the Agency is programming people's minds, I have to laugh. I don't *want* to laugh when I hear this, but I have to because that's the way they programmed my mind. --The Covert Comic Does anyone else find some irony in a bunch of politicians getting into a major fit over another politician lying? --Tim Stahmer If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around, do the other trees laugh at him? --Adam Ashe I want my last words to be put on my tombstone. Unless my last words are something like "Wheee!" 'cause that would just be stupid. --Matthew W. Schmeer Holidays stress me out. Do you know how difficult it is to wrap a human head? --Kathleen Oyanadel [ Kieth Sullivan ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/15/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: CAR-B-QUE: A South African inventor says he has the ideal solution to the recent surge in carjackings in the country. Charles Fourie's "Blaster" device mounts on the undercarriage of the car. If a thief threatens, the driver can press a foot switch and activate flamethrowers which shoot fire out both sides of the car, roasting the carjacker where he stands. Fourie, who says he has already installed 25 Blasters, promises robbers "will never get your car." Johannesburg Police Superintendent David Walkley has proclaimed the Blaster legal, and has had it installed on his own car. (AP) ...If the carjackers have any sense of humor, they'll start carrying marshmallows. [ THIS is TRUE for 3 January ] -=========================================- "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message." [ Fire Missy @ aol.com ] -=========================================- [ed: I'm usually against chain mail, but this I recommend forwarding...] WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! [ Mark Moshe K ] -=========================================- I finally found Dave Barry's 1998 Year summary. If you like reading stuff by Dave Barry, go read it at: http://www.herald.com/insouthflorida/archive/98dec27/docs/revu.htm I'm not including it in the message because it's a little long. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/17/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: GENEVA, SWITZERLAND (DPI) -- The International Society of Dissemblers has announced the winner of its annual Obfuscator Award ("Obbie") for 1998. These awards are given to the person or group who is able to pull off the best bald-faced lie in a given year. Lies are judged both by transparency and by the number of people who believe them. For an unprecedented third year in a row, the Obbie goes to software programmers, for their two-part whopper (1) "We didn't know the year 2000 was coming." and (2) "Everyone should pay us a LOT of money to fix this." In the judges opinion, "The fact that the year 2000 has been easily predictable since the year 1, and the fact that these guys have ALREADY been paid a lot of money to supposedly do their jobs right, gives this lie a triple A rating for transparency. And as for believability, I think the record speaks for itself!" The Society has had to do all of its work with pencil and paper since shortly after awarding the prize to this group the first time, when a particularly nasty virus called "Obbiethis.FY" invaded their systems and rendered all their computers inoperable. [ The Daily Probe, April 6, 1998 ] -=========================================- January 1, 2000 Dear Valued Employee: Re: Vacation Pay Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing [ Mark Moshe K ] -=========================================- Scene: Restaurant table in a hotel very near San Francisco airport where I'd stopped for lunch after realizing I was waaay early for my flight home. Waitress: Good afternoon, sir. What can I get you? Me: I'd like a bacon-cheeseburger, fries and coffee, please. Waitress: You want mayonnaise and bean sprouts on the burger? Me: (with a look normally reserved for greeting the captain of alien spacecraft recently landed on the front lawn) Ahhhh, no, thank you. Waitress: Okay, hold the mayo and sprouts... And sir? Me: Yes? Waitress: Welcome to California. [ alt.humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/18/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire) Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story. Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it. Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk? Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee. Me: Is there more milk or coffee? Her: Oh, definitely more coffee. Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk. Her: Just the usual amount of milk. Me: A coffee with milk. Her: Yes. Me: Anything else? Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine? Me: We do have decaf. Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine. Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine. Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine? Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine. Her: Yes it does. Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk? Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine. Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else? Her: Do you have any bagels? Vinnie (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels. Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels) Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added. Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Her: Do you take credit cards? Me: No ma'am, cash only. Her: What about visa? He: Is that a credit card? Her: Well, yes. Vinnie: Is it cash? Her: No. Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it. Her: What about checks? Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else. Her: O.K. Her: How much is that? Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. Her: Really? Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself. Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check) Vinnie: Please leave. Her: Why? Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now. Her: But what about my coffee? Vinnie: Leave and never return. She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. [ alt.humor ] -=========================================- "Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare." -- Blair Houghton [ alt.humor ] -=========================================- In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth and I can't remember nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, made of two capsules full with cow hooey and gave them both to the man, telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." The old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way and never did hear no trouble from him much after that. [ Dim Wit's Daily Dose ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/20/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: This is a little long, but it's hilarious!] IT WAS A BALLOON! By Ian Wolff Someone or something may have noticed that I was missing last week, therefore I shall explain my brief absence as best I can. I was abducted by aliens. There, I said it. I know what you're thinking, but it's true. I wasn't probed, but there were drinks, some dancing, and a fair amount of light petting. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't believe in probing on a first abduction. Besides, these beings can travel a million light years in the blink of an eye. Talk about not knowing where someone's been. But, there's no denying there was a chemistry and that's all I have to say about that. Moving on. The upshot of this is that I have been chosen by a consortium of alien lifeforms to clear up the myths and misconceptions surrounding their existence, customs, practices and beliefs. "Why would they choose you?" you ask. Good question, and the answer is simple. Because they did, so just shut up and listen. I was taken aboard their ship and led into a large room. In the center sat a huge, round, black table and several large black chairs. I sank into one and waited nervously. The door flew open and several beings, carrying large black folders and looking very similar to ourselves, aside from being a damn site larger, entered and sat about the table. They introduced themselves by name, after which they began opening the folders and spreading several tabloid and newspaper articles concerning alien abductions and so forth in front of me. "What is it with you Earthlings?" asked Zoot, whom I took to be their leader. "One minute you're claiming that we aliens must be a vastly more evolved and enlightened lifeform than yourselves, and the next you're accusing us of dabbling with your private parts like we were some deranged collection of cosmic pedophiles." "Exactly," said Zitt, "why can't Earthlings ever tell a lie about us without it having to involve our vandalizing their potty-parts? ... And why in the hell would we poke around inside of you anyway. We KNOW what you're made of. It's the same basic composition that all life is made of, and believe it or not, we didn't need to anally rape some retired Detroit autoworker to figure that out. I mean really, read this crap. You have us climbing through your innards like a pack of preschoolers through a McDonald's ball bin. No offense, but you're really not all THAT fascinating." "Besides," said Zolt, "have you taken a good look at some of your fellow Earthlings who claim we've been fondling their tender bits? I mean, come on, not even if it led to a cure for death!" "And what's all this about cow mutilations?" asked Zilp, sliding the newspaper article in front of me. "Do Earthlings really believe that we'd travel six million light years just for the pleasure of gutting ClaraBell? They even claim that we're implanting human embryos into the wombs of these mutilated cows. Now, I ask you, what the hell is that all about! Do you Earthlings have NO hobbies? Do you actually think there's a mutated form of human being hooving its way around on some distant star while little green men milk them three times daily? Hell, we don't even eat cows, why would we play with their genitalia!" I must admit, I couldn't answer these questions. "But what can I do?" I asked. "And why come to me, why not the president?" "Oh, that will work," said Zolt. "Ask Clinton to put a stop to rumors of a sexually deviate nature. Sure, and about aliens who steal the sexual organs of cows. Like Bubba ain't in it deep enough already. No way, it has to be you. You have no life and can waste endless hours spreading the word over the Internet for us." "Try and understand," said Zitt. "Your tabloids, magazines, and newspapers were just fine while confined to Earth, but now they're on the Internet and they're getting sent all over the cosmos; curiosity reading for most, just plain brain teasers for the people of Moron and nothing but trouble for us. The problem is, we are the only advanced lifeform who lives close enough to Earth to be doing these horrible things to you. Which means that we can't go anywhere in the universe without hearing, "Probed any Earthlings today? Is that a cow's genitalia in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? And others I won't even mention." "That's true," said Zitt, "and it hurts. Our children are teased at school. My daughter came home crying just last week, "They called you a bovine rapist, daddy," she cried, "and they said that someday I would grow udders!" "Some of us are even being arrested on lesser planets, where they actually believe this stuff. We had an entire delivery ship crew thrown into jail on the planet Hebron, because the people thought they were trying to smuggle in a bundle of alien goat-headed monkey boys who were going to probe them all to death. We sent our little leaguers to Valla-7 and the bastards took their bats away, fearing they'd probe the opposing team! The poor kids had to stand at homeplate, throw the ball and run, while the opposing crowd chanted, "Mooooooooooo." "All right, all right, I'll do it!" I shouted proudly. "Is there anything else you want me to tell them?" "Yes," said Zolt. "Tell them that Roswell was a F###ING BALLOON! Not a spaceship, a BALLOON! We don't run around crashing into things like some drunken lodge member. Also, tell them that we don't travel six million light years, through the darkest corners of the universe, just to turn our lights on once we've reached your puny planet. I don't know what you Earthlings THINK you're seeing, but it sure the hell isn't US. That one has always amazed me. You claim there's no proof of our existence, because we don't want you to know we exist. Then you claim we light ourselves up like freebie night in Copenhagen's red-light district. Listen, it's simple; we traveled six million light years in the blackest voids of the cosmos, through wormholes, black holes, asteroid and comet showers, interstellar debris, around pulsars and over galaxies you little Gnomes have yet to even chart. So, as you can imagine, we don't need a flipping flashlight to find Topeka!" "What about area 54?" I asked. "Is it true that you're helping our military design secret spacecraft there?" "Oh, please," said Zitt, "our children would cry if we gave them that shit for Christmas. And another thing. Tell them to stop depicting us as looking like Woody Allen with an extreme case of glaucoma, it's embarrassing." "Yeah," said Zott, "like that fake autopsy thing, what the hell was that? I've been to every planet in the cosmos and nothing's that ugly. Looked like a post-mortem Dr. Ruth." "What about the Bermuda triangle?" I asked. "Do you have any installations under the water around there?" "Yes," answered Zilt, "we use that installation to steal boats. We hope to someday learn what makes them float. No, we don't have anything there you colossal dolt, and tell them that too." "All right," I said, "I'll tell them. Are you going to beam me down now?" "Oh, that's another thing," said Zott. "Those damnable movies you Earthlings make. No we're not going to beam you anywhere, KIRK, and we don't spend all day dressing up like contestants for a hookers ball, either. Nor do we beam each other from room to room. The bloody engine room was sixty feet away, for cryin' out loud. If the lazy bastard couldn't walk that far, he had no business commanding a starship." "Yeah," said Zilt, "tell them about the movies, like that ridiculous "Independence Day." I mean jeez, if you're gonna make a movie about a species that builds ships the size of cities, you might wanna consider the fact they'd have at least ONE freaking finger. You don't see your squids building beach houses do you?" "It's time for you to go now," said Zitt. "We'll think up more things for our next meeting, but that's enough for now." I waved to my new friends as the ramp of their spacecraft began to rise. "Oh, one more thing," shouted Zolt. "Tell them to PLEASE design some other method of waste disposal for those Earthlings on Mir. It's a bitch on our windshields!" The ship took of with a whoosh, and just as they'd said, there were no lights. Not until it reached a certain altitude, at which point the moonlight caught the big silvery craft and lit the sucker up like freebie night in Copenhagen's red-light district. I guess they ain't so smart after all. X-Sender: scraimer@pop.netaddress.com X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.6 (32) Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 18:05:11 +0200 To: scraimer@usa.net From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits Bonus NOTE: This story originally appeared in alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo, a group whose postings are stories that take place in a virtual dystopia of high tech and street violence in the vein of William Gibson's novel, `Neuromancer'.... [Ed: Honourable Mention in the Original Comedy Awards.] I had logged myself into the computer-generated bar room as a little, furry, harmless dog. I didn't want trouble. I needed to read the X Windows/Motif 1.1 manual, so I came to the bar and asked Ratz to fix the documentation data in liquid form for me. It made a bitter, painful drink, but it was better than spending days turning pages in realspace. Ratz put a bucket of liquid in front of me. "I wanted a glass of docs, Ratz. What the hell is this?" I barked. "Motif don't fit in a glass anymore," he barked back. I looked at the liquid. It was totally opaque to me. Then someone yelled. The surveillance screen had identified an attacker. We had three seconds before it got to the bar. Everyone ducked under the furniture and pulled weapons. Since I was too small a target to register, I just sat back and watched the action. A Hunter-Killer blew a hole in the wall right next to the doorless doorway. This Killer used spells instead of weapons. The design was humanoid, but oxidation of the copper skin had turned it green. It wore black robes and a cone-shaped, aerodynamic black hat. It raised its broomstick to let fly some more pyro, but then it was crushed by a farm house that fell from the sky. Nobody moved. A young girl reluctantly stepped out of the house, her eyes wide. She wasn't in streetware, just a frilly dress and pigtails. Not your typical annihilatrix. As a matter of fact, she was a sweet piece, young and fresh. I decided I might like to cut myself a slice of this action. I jumped off my bar stool, looked cute, trotted over and jumped up into her arms. She caught me and started petting me. She said, "Doggie, it doesn't look like we're dialed into Kansas Public Access Unix anymore." Then a tall angular woman came out from under cover. She wore battle leathers, chain mail, knee-high boots, and steel blue op-implants. Her fingerknives were just retracting back under her flesh and her back-ratcheting Harley-Bronson chain gun was spinning down. The new girl obviously hadn't seen a razorgirl before, and she held me tight to her bosom. This was working out well for me. The razorqueen said, "Christ! You dusted an HK! That was the Hokusai-Sendai Witch of the Far East, their best magic weaver. What're you packin', sister?" "Who are you?" my girl asked. "You don't know? I synthesized the geometry for this bar. I'm Liralen Li, the Good Witch of the Pacific Northwest." She shouted to everyone else that it was safe, and the other customers came out from hiding. The visitor was astonished by the many dwarves that had been in hiding. Liralen explained, "They're bonsai ninja, you know, a strain of samurai engineered to grow small like bonsai trees. They're very quiet and can hide anywhere. You're not from around here, are you, sister?" "No. But a while ago I jacked into the system and now I can't get out. I'm stuck in the cyberspace." Stuck? That's weird, I thought. I was close enough to her construct that I could follow her connection back to its realspace origin. She had jacked into a simple simulation called `Preparing Your Home for a Natural Disaster', but now she was flatlining. The contents of her mind had been sucked into the matrix. If she got killed in virtual space, there'll be no mind left for real space. "What are you called?" Liralen asked her. "I don't mean true name, I mean virtual name, battle name." "Battle name? I don't have one." "In that case, warrior," Liralen smiled, "We shall call you Ruby." Why "Ruby," I wondered? A ruby is red like a cherry, so a ruby is a cherry that that will never be broken. Oh no, is my new girl a ruby? Someone yelled, "Attacker rezzing up!" Tables were again overturned and weapons were ready to spit a hundred mercury-filled copper-jacketed hollowpoints at the cloudy entity taking shape in the center of the room. The cloud congealed into an identical sister of the crushed Killer. Instead of hitting us with bio-lysis vectors, the Killer went straight for the crushed sister. It tried to take some shimmering, polished red shoes off the dead legs. But the shoes disappeared from the crushed witch, which derezzed. The treads appeared on Ruby. Liralen smirked, "To the victor go the spoils. The new chick becomes owner of the dead hag's functionality, and only owner has `execute' privileges." The witch screeched, "Give me those slippers." She reached for the girl's legs but Liralen had slapped a serious non-intrusion field on them that fried the witch's fingers. The witch retreated. While scanning herself out of the bar, she screamed, "The ruby slippers will be mine. I'll get you, my pretty. And your little dog, too!" Suck broomstick, bullet head. Ruby asked Liralen how she could get out of the matrix. She didn't know, but she knew the shoes were powerful enough to provide an answer. "The rubies refract the optical data so that it's accessible holographically, and it operates at exactly one wavelength so that with simple harmonics the signal is maintained by constructive interference. But I can't figure out how they're modulated externally...." She assured us that the witch couldn't use their power while Ruby wore them. She had heard of an expert on cyberspace, an entity called the Guru of News, who resided at the terminating node of YelloNet. People claimed he was the greatest computer mind imaginable.... I went with the babe along YelloNet. If I helped her, maybe she'd give up some of the goodies. She seemed attracted to me. It helps to be hairy like a foreign guy. I led the way. She was clueless, which is just how I like them. An old-fashioned girl. You don't see many like her on the network. Most of the chicks I see, with their razornails, retracting fangs, and strychnine-tipped barbed pubic wire, they're just so... independent. For some reason, Ruby decided to make friends with every skin job and genetic fuckup on YelloNet. First, we met an herbanoid, a genetic experiment that involved a vegetative covering over a human head and bodily armature, creating a warrior who could survive on nothing but sunlight and water. He told Ruby how badly he needed a brain augmentation. Like who doesn't. But my chick thought the Guru of News could help him, so he joined us. I wondered if barley dick was making a play for my woman, but it was okay. This chummer wasn't too bright, and he had mega problems with his locomotor mechanicals. The three of us came upon a guy with the sorriest prosthetic body armor job I've ever seen. He was a total makeover; only the brain was original equipment. He didn't even have a synthflesh covering, just plain uncontoured titanium-beryllium. He told the chick he desperately wanted emotion implants, and she invited him along. I had metal head take the point, since he'd made us a radar hot spot. The four of us encountered a lion who was in an advanced stage of chemical intellect enhancement. He walked upright and could speak. He had the hyper-wants for fear blockers to be included in the hormone treatments so he'd be bad enough to head-honch his burgh. The lion needed the disinhibitors, and some hype wouldn't hurt either; he wasn't the type who would cover your back in a face-off with a bunch of BronxSprawl hyenaboys. Naturally, my chick suggested he go with us to the Guru of News. We finally got to the YelloNet terminus, where there was serious graphics, including a huge gleaming green tower and walls enclosing an entire city. Everything was green; I wondered if that meant the cyberjock behind it had access to EPA computer banks, or maybe Federal Reserve computers.... There was a phasic defense layer. The ruby slippers cracked it in a second, but I didn't know how. We were welcomed into their system. The chick was impressed by some horse with real-time setcolor. Big deal. The happy natives enhanced our visuals, and we went to the big interface. We entered a huge vaulted cathedral. At the front was an altar, a construct of the Guru of News. From the haze emerged two glowering hollow eyes suspended above an angry mouth. He had cyberspace abilities ultra deluxe, and the attitude to match. I tried to get close enough to trace his connection back, but flames shot up from the altar and booming aurals pushed us away. We told him what we needed. We offered to pay him, but he said he did not take money. No money? His chariot was definitely pulled by Federal Reserve horses. The Guru said that he would magically appear and give us what we wanted as soon as we snagged the source of the witch's power, her broomstick. If I'd had a humanoid construct, I would've asked him if he was outa his fuckin' mind. But, like I said, I didn't want trouble. We left the emerald construct and wandered the matrix, more clueless than ever. Everyone was frightened of what virtual beasts they may encounter. Did they think about what it would be like to jack out and find that the witch had nulled your credit chip? How about if the witch fingered you as a compatible neuron donor to be used for spare parts in the brain rejuvenation of an impossibly rich German technomogul? We soon found something to agree on fearing. I recognized the witch's armada of chimpanzees, soggy with evolution accelerators and operating implanted wings with control taps in the spinal cord. It was FTP, the Flying Transportation Primates. They swooped down and picked us off the ground, and in seconds all our data had been transferred into the witch's camp. Surrounded by the witch's armed minions, we were marched back to the bar room where we started. As the mindless guards marched, they chanted in hex, " ...Oh Eee Oh, Oh One..." We came to bar room's defense surveillance screen. The guards stayed behind while the witch walked us five prisoners into the bar room. When we entered the room, there was no sign of life except for the laser sights wandering like 2D lightning bugs over the witch's robes. The witch shouted, "Liralen Li, I've come to make a deal. Take your force field off the ruby slippers and change their protection so that both you and I have group access. Then both of us can learn the powers of the slippers. Otherwise the white girl is toast." From her hiding place, Liralen muttered, "If she kills the flatlining chick, it's real death, not just virtual. I'm feeling a pang of compassion; I thought I had all that removed surgically. Besides, the ruby slippers are complex; by the time the witch learns how they work, maybe I'll have learned to use them too." She came out from her cover. "Ok, hag, I'll do biz. As of now, we both have access to the treads. Now free the girl and go get a nose job." But the witch did not leave. Red laser light spread from the shoes throughout the room. It heated all metal objects until they glowed. Leather and skin seared, and guns, arrows, shinjuki, razorfrisbees, shields, and darts hit the floor. The light subsided, giving way to the witch's rasping cackle. Liralen growled, "The bitch already knows how to use the slippers!" She lunged toward the slippers, but the witch's new defense screen bounced her back. "Careful, Liralen," the witch smarmed, "I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself before I can torture you. The ruby slippers have several forms of torture, accessible via a simple interface involving the clicking of the heels." The witch lectured while the rest of us prayed to virtual gods, who sent down virtual answers. "For instance, a single heel click would turn your face inside-out and then splash you with aftershave. A double click would fill each neuron cell body with Drano. On the other hand, three clicks forces a jack out to realspace. This is intriguing, as it would allow me to jack my mind into your realspace body, overwriting your mind...." Liralen cowered on the floor, powerless. "I gave her the ruby slippers on a silver platter," she muttered. "I'm a cyberputz...." Ruby was clicking her heels together, but nothing happened. The witch shook her head in pity. "It appears you don't have access to the interface, my pretty." The girl squealed thinly, "You're a terrible, horrible person." She picked up my bucket of Motif documentation liquid and threw it on the witch. Obviously, this didn't do anything. The witch was omnipotent, she'd had terminal PMS even before she was soaked with my bucket, and I was a small defenseless dog. Perfect. Just perfect. The witch screeched to the girl, "That was foolish. I'm inclined to move the floorboards under your feet and perform a single heel click." The purple of rage was showing through the green skin. "You know what one click could do to your cute little dog's head? Huh? In a text widget with default translations, one click would grab the keyboard focus and begin appending characters to the inter-client clipboard's primary selection buffer. That's what it would do!" The bonsai ninja looked at each other quizzically. The witch's brow furrowed for a moment, but then was rejuvenated with rage. "Forget one heel click. Let me remind you of the exquisite agony of two heel clicks? Two clicks in the command history list of a command widget would remove the first item from the history list if it has XmNhistoryMaxItems items, append the selected list item to the history buffer, and clear the command edit what the fuck'm I talking about?" Liralen murmured, "It's Motif. She's confusing her interface with a Motif interface - " "Quiet! I am still omnipotent!" the witch cried. "You are nothing. You are all but subwidgets in a composite container whose logical tab group I have registered the traversal order of. I can merely point at you and your popup dialogue will be unmapped unless XmNautoUnmanage is False." She collapsed to her knees. "Help me. I'm becoming a Motif dweeb." She begged, "Couldn't you have just poured something on me that would have melted me to an agonizing death...?" It was such a pitiful sight that we would have helped her if we could. But it was too late. The complexity, the obscurity, the pettiness, the fact that XmNcolumns and XmNnumColumns do the same thing but they're different but there's no message if you use the wrong one, they had already claimed her. Ruby picked up the witch's broomstick. Immediately the far wall of the room gave way to enormous, flaming, gleaming, boundless, angry visage of the Guru of News. The room was zonked out on awe. "You have completed your task," the voice echoed, "and you shall now be given that for which you have asked. However, I should point out that these gifts are given on an `as is' basis, without warranty of any kind, either expressed or implied, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose...." I'd had enough of this clown. While he droned on, I traced his connection back and put his realspace facade on the bar's monitor. He was little dumpy guy with long hair like spanish moss, typing his dialogue feverishly into an Emacs window. The big eyes of the Guru's construct swung to the monitor. The voice boomed "What? Um. Pay no attention to the man on the monitor. I am the great and powerful Guru. My forces are legion. My privileges are super. My power is limited only by FCC EM requirements. Oh, dear...." Everybody ignored the flaming altar and turned to the monitor. The imposing face on the altar derezzed. The Guru appeared as a likeness of himself, in jeans, keds, and a black szechuan-stained Grateful Dead tee-shirt. Ruby walked up to him. "You're not a mongo network hack at all. You've got no jack, not even a datasuit and sens-phones. And you've got no graphics throw. Why are you the Guru of News?" "Actually," he said, "I'm the Guru of Gnu's. I write programs, but I don't do much with networks and cyberspace and such. The face you saw is, um, just a semi-colon and a left parenthesis, in a very large font. And my city was all green because I only have enough throughput to render in one color channel." The girl said, "You can't help us at all! We should strip you, put steak sauce on your balls, and give you to the doberwomen." Liralen whispered, "The chick learns fast...." The guru blubbered, "I can give you all what you desire. Just as I promised...." He slapped his hand on the leafy shoulder of the plant-human hybrid. "My friend, you desire a greater brain. The greatest geniuses have no more brains than you, but they do have one thing you don't have. A Next Machine." The guru placed on the table a black cube with monitor and keyboard. The machine began to play `Pomp and Circumstance'. The hybrid caressed the black cube gently, like he was an ape in 2001. "Now you can pretend to know the Oxford English Dictionary, the works of Shakespeare, and, with Mathematica, you can solve any equation." The hybrid typed "2 + 2" on the Mathematica command line. The Next Machine ran a multi-grid iterative Jacobian relaxation with accelerated annealing and in minutes printed out the answer "3.9999999999999". The crowd applauded and the hybrid stood proud. The guru stepped over to the guy with the unmolded titanium skin. "You, sir, seek greater emotion. The deepest and most compassionate people have no more capacity for emotion than you, but they do have something you don't have. A subscription to alt.callahans, the InterNet therapy group." A tear came to the metallic man's eye. "I haven't even read the first posting, and I'm already so overwhelmed with sincerity and mutual support that I could puke." The guru addressed the partly-sentient lion. "You desire the courage that will provoke fear in your opponents. Some people are feared by all, and yet they are physically less forbidding than you. Their secret is that they talk only through newsgroups so that they can insult people without getting beat up." The guru moved to the remnants of his emerald altar. "My dear friend, I bequeath to you this altar, which, as you have seen, can create large flames out of nothing at all. If you post these flames frequently on rec.arts.sf-lovers, then news readers will come to fear your wrath and probably leave the group entirely." The lion touched the altar and a flame jumped up. He turned to the crowd, raised a finger, and said rigidly, "It is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer that my esteemed colleague's idea is absurd both in theory and in practice." The crowd applauded him. He said, "Hey, I insulted an innocent stranger, and I have no idea what I'm talking about. This is great!" The guru then offered to help Ruby. Since he was jacking out of the matrix, he would take the girl with him. However, the guru really wasn't a slick cyberspace jockey, and he lost the symbolic link to the chick. However, Liralen had back-engineered the interface to the ruby slippers. Chanting the mantra that Liralen suggested, the girl clicked her heels three times and left the matrix cleanly. Her mind was loaded back into her realspace brain, and brainwave activity returned to normal. The girl, me, and the three mutants would become successful in the children's simul-stimul biz. The girl filled out and was my main squeeze for a while. Then she got into leather, shaved her head, had her eyes pierced, and left me for a hyper-testosterated message bouncer. I talked to the lion recently. He's permanently lit up on hype, chicks, and credit these days. He said he had a new virtual reality scam involving a witch and a wardrobe. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/21/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: THE MAGIC SWITCH by GLS Some years ago, I was snooping around in the cabinets that housed the MIT AI Lab's PDP-10, and noticed a little switch glued to the frame of one cabinet. It was obviously a homebrew job, added by one of the lab's hardware hackers (no one knows who). You don't touch an unknown switch on a computer without knowing what it does, because you might crash the computer. The switch was labeled in a most unhelpful way. It had two positions, and scrawled in pencil on the metal switch body were the words 'magic' and 'more magic'. The switch was in the 'more magic' position. I called another hacker over to look at it. He had never seen the switch before either. Closer examination revealed that the switch had only one wire running to it! The other end of the wire did disappear into the maze of wires inside the computer, but it's a basic fact of electricity that a switch can't do anything unless there are two wires connected to it. This switch had a wire connected on one side and no wire on its other side. It was clear that this switch was someone's idea of a silly joke. Convinced by our reasoning that the switch was inoperative, we flipped it. The computer instantly crashed. Imagine our utter astonishment. We wrote it off as coincidence, but nevertheless restored the switch to the 'more magic' position before reviving the computer. A year later, I told this story to yet another hacker, David Moon as I recall. He clearly doubted my sanity, or suspected me of a supernatural belief in the power of this switch, or perhaps thought I was fooling him with a bogus saga. To prove it to him, I showed him the very switch, still glued to the cabinet frame with only one wire connected to it, still in the 'more magic' position. We scrutinized the switch and its lone connection, and found that the other end of the wire, though connected to the computer wiring, was connected to a ground pin. That clearly made the switch doubly useless: not only was it electrically non-operative, but it was connected to a place that couldn't affect anything anyway. So we flipped the switch. The computer promptly crashed. This time we ran for Richard Greenblatt, a long-time MIT hacker, who was close at hand. He had never noticed the switch before, either. He inspected it, concluded it was useless, got some diagonal cutters and {dike}d it out. We then revived the computer and it has run fine ever since. We still don't know how the switch crashed the machine. There is a theory that some circuit near the ground pin was marginal, and flipping the switch changed the electrical capacitance enough to upset the circuit as millionth-of-a-second pulses went through it. But we'll never know for sure; all we can really say is that the switch was {magic}. I still have that switch in my basement. Maybe I'm silly, but I usually keep it set on 'more magic'. [ Frank Pineau ] -=========================================- Man Crashes Car As 50 Pagers Ring At Once KIEV (Reuters) - A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Year gift was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday. The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported. ''With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching. The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.'' After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: ''Congratulations on a successful purchase!'' [ed: The origional article is at: http://dailynews.yahoo.com/headlines/tc/story.html?s=v/nm/19990115/tc/pagers_2.html ] -=========================================- These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the copyright issue. Tony Cunningham "String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)" "...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'" "a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program" "'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible" "You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler" "This struct already has a perfectly good definition" "type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)" "Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)" "Huh ?" "can't go mucking with a 'void *'" "we already did this function" "This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message" "Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious" "Too many errors on one line (make fewer)" "Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer" [ rec.humor.funny ] X-Sender: scraimer@pop.netaddress.com X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.6 (32) Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 18:00:00 +0200 To: scraimer@usa.net From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Free mailing lists available at: http://www.bds.com.au/services/mailing/lists.htm Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him. 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. 15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organisation, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. 26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralise my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him. 33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. 34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defences from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. 36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 37. Even though I don't really care, because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. 38. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. 42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. 44. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organisation to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. 45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. 46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. 55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 56. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. 57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 58. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralised by relatively inconspicuous talisman. 59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organisation. For example, if my general screws up, I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 60. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. 61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead, I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a want ad in the local paper. 64. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBook's. 65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. 66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 68. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her. 69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being, then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 70. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/23/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did. The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY." [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- [ed: The programmer's mantra: Never, EVER, trust the user.] Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a beta tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our software. When a message appeared on the screen, "Press any key to continue", Jane pressed the letter 'j'. I thought I was going to have heart failure. "JANE!" I screamed, "Why did you press J?!!?" "It said any key." "Yeah, but....when programmers say any key, they mean the space bar!" At which point my fellow programmer looked at me and said, "We do? I thought we meant enter." [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- [ed: Some of you might not "get" this one. But If you've been using e-mail for more than a 3 years, read it through!] I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, who was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates (It's true--I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld Vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know). The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people only will give you OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck FOR SEVEN YEARS!) So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And its a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/26/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: * My friend George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show-off his new twin engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Damn !!!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now ?" George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me." * The cost of movie making is out of control. A lot of the epics these days have intermissions that cost 2-3 million. * The ultimate repartee must be that of R.B.Sheridan, the political enemy of William Pitt. Pitt was provoked one day to say to him scornfully: "You will come to your end upon the gallows or of a venereal disease." "That depends, Mr.Pitt," replied Sheridan," on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." [ UGH Humor ] -=========================================- A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. [ Jokesarus ] -=========================================- Why is it a sign of contempt to say someone's name is "mud?" The man who assassinated President Abraham Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth, broke his leg during his escape from Ford's Theater. Booth stopped by a country doctor's office, who knew nothing about the assassination; after treatment, Booth went on his way. After the doctor heard about the assassination, he notified the authorities and was put in jail for his efforts: he was accussed of being a co-conspirator. The injustice was later recognized, and he was subsequently pardoned by President Andrew Johnson. This doctor's name? Samuel Mudd. Soon after the assassination it became an expression of contempt to say your name was "Mudd." Over time, people have forgotten "mud" is actually "Mudd." [ Gagler's Trivia of the Day ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/28/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: NEW NAMES FOR THE MIR SPACE STATION ~ The AMC Spacer ~ Skylab for Dummies ~ Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6 ~ Absolute NightMir ~ Space Toast Coast-to-Coast ~ The S.S. Minnowsky ~ Kaputnik ~ Cattlecar Galactica [ Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- [ed: This is probably one of the wierdest things I've found on Usenet...] KILLING PINKS: IT'S NOT AN ADVENTURE, IT'S JUST A JOB nu-monet Over time, I've reached the conclusion that the best one-on-one method of killing pinks is to make their heads explode. You know, "Scanner"-style. Pop! There goes the Cerebral Cortex. Splat! Mendulla Oblangata. Squish! Spunk! The Cerebrum. Or the ever-popular Ka-Blam!! of the Cerebellum. The actual technique, if there is one, just sort of *comes* to you, usually in the middle of a conversation. I mean, without really "willing" it to happen, you just mention something that causes that wonderful massive neural overload, and Tzotz!, their head pops like an overripe canteloupe under the wheels of a road grater. What social stigma? The witnesses assume that it was a stroke or something, unless you get a real zinger in, and their head *physically* bursts open, spraying fatty gray matter and blood over a five-foot radius. And even then, they think it was a sniper or something. Hell, the first time I "popped a kopf", I hadn't even *mentioned* any SubGenius stuff, let alone any advanced Dobbsian theory, when my 'subject' started to shake uncontrollably. And, okay, I'll admit it was kind of a "gimmee"--a really naive paranoid-U.F.O.-cultist guy who was pretty far gone already. I let him have his spew. He blamed the aliens on just about every world, national, and personal problem there was. "They" were out to get him. "They" were monitoring him. "They" made him have fucking wet dreams, fer shit's sake! Finally, and out of the blue, I lost my temper. "DON'T YOU SEE IT, MAN!" I shouted in his face. "*THEY* AREN'T OUT TO GET YOU BECAUSE THEY WANT TO EXPERIMENT ON HUMANS! *THEY* ONLY EXPERIMENT ON EACH OTHER! *THEY* WANT YOU TO COME HOME!" "Huh?" he said, obviously rattled. "*YOU* ARE AN ALIEN!!" "*YOU* ARE THE EVIL!!" "IT IS ALL *YOUR* FAULT!" His eyes were glazed and moist, he was shaking and some spittle was running off his lower lip onto his shirt. The veins on his forehead were bulging ominously, and I could swear I saw a small puff of smoke come out of his left ear. A second passed, and his nose started to bleed. He looked at me helplessly--a dying pink reaching out for normalcy, for sanity, for help. Pitiful, really. "J.R. "Bob" Dobbs!" was all I said to him, coldly. Splat! Pop! Squish! Spunk! KA-BLAM!! BOOM!!! Holy fuck, what a mess. Talk about hunting tomatoes with a 10-gauge. Mess everywhere. He even got some in my coffee. Well, for a while after that it was just a game to me. I would wait until some glorp had stepped on my toes--and I tried, I really did--to keep my temper; BUT THEY JUST WOULDN'T STOP! I would sit or stand there quietly, my insides filling with that burning hatred and contempt, slowly gurgling into the full-blown rage we all know so well. And finally, well, you know the sound effects. I guess I was truly surprised when I did my first double- header. It was almost unintentional, but deserved: two Jehovah's Witnesses. But that made me make a personal rule to remember that I should never 'do' any of them at the house. It must have been hours later when I finished hoseing out the garage (although I did get a big laugh when a big old neighborhood tomcat made off with one of their eyeballs--the optic nerve dangling out of it's mouth like a rat's tail! Haw!) So I really *had* to find out how many I could 'do' at once. But with each progressively larger group, I found myself adding to the headburst philosophy: 1) Don't explode people's heads to attract women. 2) Although you might want to, with police it's usually a better idea to suggest that, "This is not the SubGenius we're looking for. Move along." 3) Avoid videotaped poppings. Remember Rodney King. 4) Don't overdo. You might give yourself a headache. 5) Exploding cybernetic control centers with your mind is a lot harder than it looks. Usually, it's just a plot device. Stick to organic tissue. 6) *AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL*: THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE JUST TOO DAMN DUMB FOR YOU TO EXPLODE THEIR BRAIN. Deal with it. Then the unexpected happened. It was a warm and pleasant afternoon, but for some reason I was out of sorts. In retrospect, I think it was all the pinks sauntering about. The fat, middle-class family-types with their nasty children, sneering at all they think are 'below' them, while engaging in tacky consumerism at the local tourist traps. And all I wanted to do was to enjoy my coffee and have a pre-mini-devival/orgy conference with a clench member. Without warning, a girl walked up to the table and interrupted our conversation by talking to my friend. She took a chair without an invitation, and after a brief introduction by my associate, he excused himself to go get a refill. A pregnant silence ensued. My impression of her was that she was a little too pretty, so was probably a future-slave- girl-of-America type, and I took against her. Rudeness is easy justification for homicide. With cruel instinct, I started to talk about SubGenius trivia, skirting around a major assault and just sticking to excruciating migraine-inducing topics, not out of care or concern for the female but out of deference to my friend, who might be grooming her to be a sex toy. But instead of shocked nervousness and skin pallor, she continued to look attentive and bright-eyed, even smiling in an almost contemptuous way at my finesse. This irritated me further, so without contemplation, I escalated my attack. Soon, I was in full rant, no longer satified with mearly winging my prey. My diatribe was classic. I proclaimed. I raved. And, boy howdy, did I *brag*! Almost exhausted, I was amazed when, after all of that work, all of a sudden she said, "Oh!", when she noticed a little blood coming out of her left nostril. "Oooo. How SLACKful!" she said. I stood there in stunned silence, not knowing what had gone wrong. The I noticed a wetness on my upper lip. The bitch had given me a nosebleed! A smile crossed our lips. Soon, we were walking down the street, hand-in-hand, chit-chatting about all things SubGenius, and indifferently "popping kopfs" right, left and sideways. In our brief journey together, we laid waste to dozens, or even hundreds of humans, our Yeti love scorching the earth. And we lived happily ever after for the next hour. [ alt.humor.best-of-usenet ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/29/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave." "Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again." [ alt.jokes.pentium ] -=========================================- "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." --John Lehman "I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." --Jasper Carrott "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien "We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation in life by re- organizing. A wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization." -- Petronius Arbiter, 1st Century A. D. >From a New York City detective: "I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her." Al Capone: "You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." John Benfield: "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." Anonymous: "Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better." Anonymous: If you have one foot in tomorrow and one foot in yesterday, you're bound to find yourself pissing on today. Steve Martin: "How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars." "Fats" Domino: "A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." Henry Cate VII: "The problem with political jokes is they get elected." Leslie Nielsen as Lieutenant Frank Drebin,"Police Squad": "Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith." Evelle J. Younger: "An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attornety can delay one even longer." A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's preventive maintenance magazine Ross Presser: "Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters." [ Z Media Quote of the day ] -=========================================- FLYING SAUCER CRASHES, ARES VALLIS RANCHER SAYS Rawzwell, Ares Vallis, July 4, (United Martian Press) RANCHER REPORTS FLYING SAUCER CRASHES IN ARES VALLIS In what is being billed as perhaps the most convincing evidence yet that extramartianial life does indeed exist, we have today learned of a report by a rancher in Ares Vallis that he came upon the wreckage of a flying saucer that appears to have crashed yesterday on a lonely outpost of his ranch. Rancher Macks Brassel says that he and his wife were enjoying a romantic walk in the rocks when they saw what he describes as "this gigantic baggie" falling out of the sky. When he went to investigate, he found "a bunch of bubble wrap, pieces of cloth, sticks with strange markings on them, and this little alien that freaked out when we approached. He looked like he kept trying to get away, but he seemed to be stuck. We didn't want to upset him any further, so we left him there and went back to the ranch house to call the authorities." He described the alien as a small, flat, silvery creature that seemed to have little wheels for legs. Its head was a flat black panel. It was only a couple inches tall, but long and flat. It had very hard skin, kind of like rocks, but shiny. It appeared to be trapped in some of the bubble wrap and was beeping a lot, like it was hurt, Brassel says. After being alerted, the 509th Martian Army headquarters immediately issued a press release stating that the debris was simply a weather balloon that crashed, there was nothing for us to get upset about, and if any Martian thought this was evidence of visitation from another planet or something like that, well, that would be really, really silly. Nonetheless, this reporter noticed the base commander seeming to border on becoming hysterical when we tried to question him. Plus, we overheard him say on the phone to the President, "weather balloon, yeah, that'll work, yeah, that's the ticket." We saw highly unusual activity throughout the entire Army base, and heard reports that a special recovery team would soon be sent out to the ranch to recover the "weather balloon" (yeah, right) debris. "This was no weather balloon," Brassel insists, "I know what a weather balloon looks like and this was made of stuff I've never seen anyplace else on Mars." Brassel has been ordered to report to the government's Attitude Adjustment Center later this afternoon. He promised to give us further details when he is released, which is expected to be in a couple of weeks. We will keep you posted as further news breaks in this exciting story. Focks Smolder Reporter [ Joke Mailer ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 01/30/99 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: Warning! A groan-joke] > In comp.software.year-2000 The Goobers wrote: > > > I'm sorry... many folks here on comp.software.year-2000 will tell you > > that we *all* are long since... > > > ... out of thyme. > > That seems like sage advice. But would Rose and Mary agree? They would parsely agree. I am cumin to the possibly basil-less conclusion that the marjoram of unremediated shops have a thyme problem, but that thought is not oregano with me. Taking a gingerly stance on what is beconing an unsavory topic, I conclude there is also a jerk problem. (Aniseillary to the main questions, we need to fennel attention on how the code came to be as disordered as it is.) [ alt.humor.best-of-usenet ] -=========================================- Smoke can get out a chimney, why can't rain get in? The Answer: Imagine how annoying it would be on a cold, rainy night to build a warm fire, only to have your fireplace doused by the storm. You could place a cap above the top of the chimney to allow smoke to leave and prevent rain from coming in. But then how would Santa get in? A more common solution is to do nothing at all. Bricks are exceptionally absorbent, which is one of the reasons they're utilized in chimneys. Even large amounts of water can be sucked into the brick and masonry before it has a chance to extinguish the flame. The taller the building, the more water is absorbed. (Source: WHY DO CLOCKS RUN CLOCKWISE? By David Feldman) [ MailBits.com Trivia ] -=========================================- A new benchmark has been released which accurately measures the speed of any computer. The computer is pushed off the top of a building, and speed calculated by multiplying by 32.2 fps squared. The MIPS (Meaningless Index of Plummeting Speed) rating is the raw value times the number of CPUs. This is called the FhallingStone benchmark. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] -=========================================- Y$2K: Bank One Texas, testing to make sure their computers are ready for the transition to the year 2000, generated more than 2,000 dummy overdraft notices on real customer accounts. No problem: the computer handled the next-millennium dates just fine. Well, one problem: after the test, efficient employees dropped the notices into the mail, instead of into the trash. "We have apologized profusely" to anxious customers who called the bank after getting the notices, a bank spokesman said. "We've spent millions of dollars to make sure the Y2K problem doesn't exist at Bank One." (Reuters) ...And now everyone knows where that money came from. [ This is True for Jan. 17 ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 02/01/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The Sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through." [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty." [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- Why was the Eiffel Tower built? The Answer: Many famous structures have an obvious purpose, from protecting a city to honoring a deity, but the point of the Tower is not as well known. It has been home to restaurants and science labs, and even once held an apartment for its designer, but none of these are the reason it was built. The history of this famous monument can be traced back to the time-honored tradition of showing off. The planners of the 1889 Paris Exposition wanted to highlight the superiority of French engineering by building the first thousand-foot tower. Luckily Gustave Eiffel won the contract, or we might now be associating the city of romance with a monument in the shape of a guillotine, or one that had a huge sprinkler to water the city during dry periods. Both of these questionable designs were losing entries in the contest. (Source: DID MOHAWKS WEAR MOHAWKS? By Bruce Tindall and Mark Watson) BTW... While we're on the subject, did you know that the Eiffel Tower is second only to the Golden Gate Bridge as a suicide location? [ MailBits.Com Trivia ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/03/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Hello everybody! I'm sorry for the long silence, but I've kinda had my computer die on me. I'll get it back up, but until then - I'm afraid you'll have to make do with this ;-> -= Shalom -=========================================- The Sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through." [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty." [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- Why was the Eiffel Tower built? The Answer: Many famous structures have an obvious purpose, from protecting a city to honoring a deity, but the point of the Tower is not as well known. It has been home to restaurants and science labs, and even once held an apartment for its designer, but none of these are the reason it was built. The history of this famous monument can be traced back to the time-honored tradition of showing off. The planners of the 1889 Paris Exposition wanted to highlight the superiority of French engineering by building the first thousand-foot tower. Luckily Gustave Eiffel won the contract, or we might now be associating the city of romance with a monument in the shape of a guillotine, or one that had a huge sprinkler to water the city during dry periods. Both of these questionable designs were losing entries in the contest. (Source: DID MOHAWKS WEAR MOHAWKS? By Bruce Tindall and Mark Watson) BTW... While we're on the subject, did you know that the Eiffel Tower is second only to the Golden Gate Bridge as a suicide location? [ MailBits.Com Trivia ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/05/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: * Winters in North Dakota are tuff. I asked a friend of mine why in the world she chose to live there. She replied, "Why Jimmy, it's an honor to be one of God's frozen people." - - - - - * Prior to the advent of PC's, the Maryland State Highway had a mainframe with well-written in-house programs. One, a calculation of steel beam deflections in bridges, was often queried twice with the same problem. When that occurred, the terminal would display, "Scheesch guy ! I just told you that answer. Now listen-up this time dummy !" - - - - - * Once PC's were the norm, State programmers still cranked-out special applications. For a word processing tutor, the user was told to "press any key". Once they did, the screen would display "NO ! My dear God !! Not THAT one !!!" and dissolve into a fireworks display, then go totally blank for a minute. Just imagine the secretaries' reactions. - - - - - * A State Highway in-house computer generated survey was sent to all mid-level managers assuring them the responses would be totally anonymous, since it contained a critique of both policy and the Senior Management team. I threw mine in the trash. Less than a week later I got a memo advising me that my survey hadn't been received & requested I submit it ASAP. [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- I almost always look forward to... well, to avoid tripping, mostly. --Justin Kerner Always keep a song in your heart -- it's like karaoke for the voices in your head. --Robert Fulton Abernethy I think if President Clinton were a monkey, this whole impeachment thing would be over a lot sooner. --Stephen Carter Frankly, getting caught between a rock and a *soft* place don't sound so friggin' wonderful, either. --Bob Roth Just once, I'd like to see a claustrophobic mime do that "stuck in a box" trick without screaming like a banshee. --Paul Paternoster I'd kill to win the Nobel Peace Prize. --Bob Roth If I ever see a falling star, I'm going to use my wish to wish that it had never fallen in the first place. If I'm lucky, that will throw the entire universe into a logic loop and while everyone is busy attending to that, I'll skip work the next day. --Abhishek Gami When I die and my life flashes before my eyes like a movie, I'm gonna pay close attention to the credits so I can find out who played the part, "Jerk who stole Derek's car." --Derek Littlefield Do you think if everyone had a rubber suit with built-in muscles, their own spotlight signal and some really cool gadgets, we'd all be superheroes? Or do you have to have a name that ends in "man"? --James [ Keith Sullivan ] -=========================================- Why do directors clap that slate before each scene? The Answer: That slate is called a clapboard, and it's used to synchronize a scene's sound with its picture. After filming, the movie's sound and picture people get together and align the "clack" sound with the first frame in which the clapboard's arm meets the board. Modern technology has recently replaced the old slate board. When used, today's clapboard makes a beeping sound as a red light turns on. (Main Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE column by Cecil Adams) [ MailBita.Com Trivia ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 3/06/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Dear Doctor Science, Why do fluorescent lights hum? -- John Mosko from Newport, RI Because they don't know the words. Unlike incandescent lights, fluorescent lights can remember only the melody. Most are born with perfect pitch, and harmony is second nature to the long white tubes, especially harmonics of sixty cycles per second. Incandescent lights, first invented by Edison, are tone deaf but are eloquent speakers. It's not uncommon for a 40-watt bulb to recite the Gettysburg Address verbatim. And the new extended-life bulbs can rattle off the entire Constitution. Like anyone in show business, both fluorescent and incandescent lights are subject to burnout. Once this happens they joint the scrap heap of burnouts and move to northern California. [ Doctor Science ] -=========================================- One man's stunt Bored at last month's fourth annual "Cool Site of the Year" awards and frustrated that few of the winners bothered to show up, Todd Levin decided to have some fun. When eBay won the "coolest shopping site" award, Levin jumped on stage and told the audience how surprised he was that he won. Since no one challenged him and he got to keep the award, Levin decided to take his joke a bit further. He auctioned the trophy on eBay! 70 bids later, it sold for $5,000. Feeling guilty about the stunt, Levin donated the money to charity. Sportingly, eBay's spokesperson says that the company has "no ill feelings" toward Levin. Next time though, they plan to send a representative. [ Mailbit.Com Trivia ] -=========================================- Cars with specialized, "vanity" license plates are six times as likely to be rear-ended as other cars. When presented with this factoid, 94% of vanity plate drivers blame other drivers reading their message. Virtually 100% of the "other drivers" blame the discrepancy on an overwhelming need to "smash the shit out of those idiots." [laugh-your-ass-off] -=========================================- A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But, where are all your cattle?" "So far, none have survived the branding." [laugh-your-ass-off] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/08/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Dry book review (source unknown): "This book fills a much-needed gap." Anarchy - it's not the law, it's just a good idea. Evan Davis: "Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car." On a rib joint in Alabama: "If you didn't have ribs, you'd fall down" A sign I have actually seen in a military "latrine" (bathroom): Over the toilet paper dispenser: "Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper division." [ Dry Quotes & Signs ] -=========================================- 1. When I traveled to a distant city, I stopped in at a nice restaurant and immediately hung up my coat and hat. In plain view was a sign that said, "Watch Your Hat and Coat". I then went in and sat down at a table. While, naturally looking around, I glanced up at the ceiling only to read a sign that said, "Uh! Uh! You're NOT watching your hat and coat! 2. I am in the Navy, and we travel by ship to several different places all over the world. After Australia, we were on our way to Hawaii. In the smoking area, a Marine spoke up and asked if anyone knew the exchange rate in Hawaii. He didn't get it when we told him it was dollar for dollar. 3. On a recent trip from Boston to Los Angeles, the flight was delayed one hour taking off. There was lots of grumbling on the plane. And as the plane taxied to the run way the pilot came on the intercom and explained the delay as follows. "Good afternoon, this is your pilot, thank you for your patience. We are sorry for the delay today but the machine that rips the handles off your luggage broke down and in an effort to provide the quality service you have grown to expect we have had to manually rip the baggage handles off, which took us longer." [JOKE-OF-THE-DAY] -=========================================- A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight." [laugh-your-ass-off] -=========================================- Officer: "Sergeant, do you have change for a dollar?" Sergeant: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Sergeant, do you have change for a dollar?" Sergeant: "No, Sir." [laugh-your-ass-off] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/10/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental health institute. ======================================================================= "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. Allof our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you're from Maryland, don't bother. [UGA Humor] -=========================================- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." [ Mark Moshe Kays ] -=========================================- On a sign in a Little Rock suburb outside their home: "Anybody found here at night WILL be A BODY found here in the morning." -Howell R. Herrin I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money. [ed: an old one, with a little more ;-] The Zen Master is visiting New York from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog cart and says," Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. And the vendor responds, ... "Change must come from within." Well, there are people who say "the glass is half empty" and there are people who say "the glass is half full." There are others who would say "the glass is at 50% of capacity." We call those people engineers. Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates. [ various tidbits ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/11/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: CHINA (DPI) -- A European trio's dreams of making a non-stop trip around the world in their hot air balloon were terminated on Tuesday over China when the Chinese Air Force fired upon it, striking it squarely in the middle with a gigantic hi-tech dart. The resulting explosion could be heard as far away as Neptune. A General in the Chinese Air Force commented, "It was clearly a mistake on our part, and we apologize to the world for our error." The pilot who made the error will not face criminal charges, but was relieved of the stuffed teddy bear he won. [ Keith Sullivan ] -=========================================- A goal is a dream with a deadline Anarchy is against the law Canadian -- An unarmed American with health care Erotic, exotic, and a wee bit psychotic.... Guns don't kill people, it's those little holes I'm just here for moral support. Ignore the gun. Never work higher magic in clothes you can't run in On the other hand, Rome was burnt in a day Playing in traffic on the information superhighway Save your burned out bulbs for me, I'm building my own dark room [ tidbits ] -=========================================- * Coming into port, the ship encountered a heavy fog. The Captain ordered all engines stopped, as they were going to wait it out before entering the narrow channel. A young Ensign, thinking to score some points said, "But Sir, I can see the stars above." The Old Man looked evenly at the boy and replied, "Sonny, unless the engines explode, we ain't going that way." [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/12/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: ABERDEEN, S.D. (AP)(C) -- A would-be casino robber foiled by his own cologne has received seven years behind bars. Jerold Nissen of Aberdeen wore a Halloween mask as he entered the casino Nov. 4 with a loaded gun, said Ken Varns, assistant Brown County state's attorney. When Nissen announced the robbery, a casino clerk recognized his cologne as that of a regular patron and addressed Nissen by name. ``She told him to take the mask off, that it wasn't funny,'' Varns said. ``He put the gun away, took the mask off, sat down at a machine and played lottery for a few minutes.'' The robbery attempt was reported the next day, when casino officials noticed phone lines had been cut. A search of Nissen's truck turned up the mask, gun and wire clippers, Varns said. Nissen pleaded guilty to attempted robbery Friday in exchange for the seven-year sentence. The charge carries a maximum sentence of 12 1/2 years. [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR: - When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you"? - Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club". - While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt. - You keep losing dates on left turns. - Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups. [ Chris' Humor Vault ] -=========================================- The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend, "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to wire back, "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?" [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/13/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: I just found this out from Slashdot.org: In San Francisco, the Exploratorium is holding the twelfth annual Pi Day on March 14 (3.14) at 1:59pm (3.14159). Seems like a good place to bring in young nerds-to-be. -=========================================- CAFFEINE PSYCHOSIS Dear Doctor Science, Why is it that after not sleeping for two weeks and drinking only coffee, I am able to see demons and control nature and fly and stuff like that? Brian Brunschoen from Portland, Oregon Good, strong coffee, the kind people drink in the Pacific Northwest, contains a special isomer of the caffeine molecule called "delusionary caffeine." This is the same substance Hitler took through injection in order to make so many bad decisions near the end of World War II. The Tarahumara Indians of Northwestern Mexico praise it for giving "the strength of ten and the mind of none." A hamster on this stuff will think itself a buffalo, and charge at anything that moves. Perhaps delusionary caffeine explains the great proportion of self employed artists who rail against the system and spend their days waiting for the phone to ring. [ Doctor Science ] -=========================================- The Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the other side of the planet. Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin teacher's house. The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces of his mortal enemies. For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones impression. Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent. The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick. Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after only one bean burrito. Won the high school talent show every year by making the vice principal writhe in pain. The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe that through the constant application of love and understanding *they* can change him. "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to buy beer." [ UGA HUMOR ] -=========================================- The best of MIXED UP METAPHORS By Richard Lederer from his book Anguished English I wouldn't be caught dead in that movie with a ten-foot pole. The sacred cows have come home to roost with a vengeance. That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree. When we get to that bridge, we'll jump. Don't sit there like a sore thumb - It's time to swallow the bullet. It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake. Regret to inform you that the hand that rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket. From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb. I would not have gone in there over my dead body. Many cities and towns have community gardening programs that need a little more help to get off the ground. In our school, freshmen are on the lowest rungs of the totem pole. He's between a rock and the deep blue sea. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/14/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: PLANE CRASH A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this after noon in central Ireland. Irish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. [ Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- Designated parking places were always a perk for the various managers at State Highway. A reflective metal sign was even placed with the manager's initials at his/her parking spot. The system worked pretty good until a Stanford O. Buckland became a Senior Manager. [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- 1. The Software scientist. This is a man who takes a mathematical algorithm, performs a series of transformations on it and ends up with a program in lambda-calculus. This program is correct, meaning it will do what it is supposed to. Now all he needs is a lambda-calculus interpreter, a stable operating system, a computer with a proven architecture and an uninterruptable power supply. 2. The Software engineer. This is a man who thinks that if he divides the task up into small enough pieces, it will disappear and he can go back to reading news. 3. The Programmer. The programmer will listen to your requirements, sit down and actually write you a program. Unfortunately, it doesn't do what you want it to, but what the programmer thinks you ought to want it to do. After you reject the program, he still doesn't give up, trying to improve some algorithm he used in it. 4. The Hacker. The hacker will listen while you tell him what you want, say "that's easy", and type an amazingly long command line with about 30 pipes in it. Then he gets back to the "real" work. 5. The Hardware Buff. This is the guy who tries to implement an awk interpreter in discrete logic. Problem is nobody thought of building a chip that knows what a backslash is. 6. The System Administrator. While idly looking round to see what's going on, discovers a process with a suspicious-sounding name and kills it. The list of suspicious-sounding processes he has on the desk will eventually roll to the letter 'B', where 'bash', the login shell, is on top. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/15/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir,' it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch." [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the shift key. 2) Hit the 4 key four times. [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Why is 1 the loneliest number when you can clear out a room even faster with a little number 2? -- D. Milhem from Boston, MA What determines the color of the splatter when a bug hits your windshield? Are bugs like little flying crayons or something? -- Igor Blavinsky [ Doctor Science ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/16/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: My father came back on a flight from a business trip with a safe landing. The airline slowed down to a stop after exiting the runway and paused without motion. Two minutes later, the airline pivoted 90 degrees clockwise and stopped. After another 2 minute pause, the airline again pivoted, but to the left about 180 degrees. Again, the airline stopped and stood motionless. Two minutes later, the captains voice boomed from the loudspeaker, "Can anyone out there tell me where Gate 11 is?" My brother, his daughters and I traveled to Europe one summer. One of our stays during the trip was in Germany. One night we had been out driving the streets looking for a restaurant. Appropriately we got lost. We then began to search for someone to ask directions from and came across a German Police Officer. As we approached him, I rolled down the window and asked, "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" He replied, "Of course I do you idiot! I'm German!" Needless to say I was quite embarrassed, but we did get directions. [ JOKE-Of-The-Day ] -=========================================- Bumper sticker: I refuse to fight a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Do any of y'all like me wonder if today's movies escaped rather than being released ? You almost have to feel sorry for the Republicans. They act like a hysterical lynch mob that has its victim in hand, a stout tree, and then realize they forgot the rope. Jewish Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow." A life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?! Dorothy: "How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?" Scarecrow: "I don't know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?" Lost Dog: Notch in left ear, left rear leg missing, tail bobbed, blind in right eye. Has been castrated. Answers to the name of "Lucky." Q. Know how to make a Cat sound like a Dog? A. Pour Gas on a Cat, and throw a match at it........ WOOF. [ various tidbits ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/19/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow- motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -- Audubon Society Magazine -=========================================- A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards." Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you." [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Dennis Rodman was sued for sexual assault by a Las Vegas woman. She said he invited her to his hotel room and exposed himself. "This is major trouble. It's a federal crime to impersonate the president." --Argus Hamilton [ Keith Sullivan ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/26/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The following phrase: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room. [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- ...But one thing Marcus says even Bill (Gates) can't do, is dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things in perspective. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/28/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the English? He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling, "If you don't act better you're all going to hell with the ENGLISHMEN!" One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't stop denouncing the Brits, he may be demoted and transferred! The priest agreed. In his next sermon, he told the story of the betrayal of Jesus: "Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said, 'TONIGHT, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME!'" "Peter said, 'It's not I, is it master?'" "Jesus just looked at Judas." "Judas, feeling the steady gaze of THE LORD upon him said, 'Blimey guv'nor, you wouldn't be thinking it was me, would you?'" [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch." [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. --Larry Baum I think having "MEN" and "WOMEN" signs on bathrooms is a bad idea, because if aliens thought those rooms held standard specimens and went in to record data, they'd get some pretty bizarre examples. --A.V. Scherpe "This gubblick contains many nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be glorked [sic] from context." --Davi Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory. The propeller is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. The proof? Make it stop, and watch the pilot break out in a sweat. [ various ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/09/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Every one knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one you can walk away from. But a 'great' landing is one where you can use the airplane again afterwards. I have just one thing to say. Well, I don't really have anything to say. I guess, I just wanted some attention. Helicopters don't really fly - they're so ugly that the earth repels them. When someone at work makes you angry, remember that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to flip them off. [ various ] -=========================================- ondon, England -- The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition joined an enviable literary elite yesterday when it was named Oddest Title of the Year for a book or publication. It joins a glittering list of past winners such as How to Avoid Huge Ships (the 1992 winner) and Greek Rural Postmen and their Cancellation Numbers (1996). Mitchell Beazley, the publishers of this year's winner, immediately issued a statement yesterday. "This is wonderful. We line our pockets and the readers get something stimulating to keep in theirs." In second place was The Prostate: A Guide For Men And The Women Who Love Them. In third place was Method for Calculating the Size of Stone Needed for Closing End-Tipped Rubble Banks in Rivers. The other short-listed titles were: Interpersonal Violence: The Practical Series, Beyond Leaf Raking, Attractive and Affectionate Grave Design, From Coherent Tunelling to Relaxation and Collect Fungi on Stamps. Horace Bent, The Bookseller's pseudonymous diarist who chaired the judging panel, disclosed that London, Midland and Scottish Railway Season Ticket Instructions had narrowly missed the shortlist. [ Keith Sullivan ] -=========================================- MOST LIKELY REASONS FOR DINOSAUR EXTINCTION - They all died. - No caffeine or sugar - They were abducted by aliens. - The females were cold blooded. - Those damn tar pits. - Decided to look for the wizard of Oz to get a bigger brain. - Were killed off secretly by the C.I.A. - Evolutionary dates kept slipping. - "Restructuring" eliminated asteroid tracking and disaster planning groups. - Dinosaur Mission Statement did not include any form of the word "empower". - Extraneous barrier_wait() call at the KT (Cretaceous/Tertiary) boundary. [ Keith Sullivan ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/11/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The IRS has enacted the following Income Tax Form for the year ending 12/31/1999: 1. What was your Total income in 1999 ? $___________ 2. Send It To Us. [ JOKESRUS ] -=========================================- I would like to share an old Native American chant to ward off harm & gain wisdom. It goes like this: (Repeat as a chant) Oh wah Ta foo Lie am As you repeat it more often and more quickly, it's message becomes clear and you will become wise! Try it. It works!! (original source unknown) [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- PROGRAMMERS DRINKING SONG: 99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code..... (Repeat until BUGS == 0) [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/12/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: This is mildly offensive (language)] A sailor was talking about the last time he was on leave... "So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse." [ JOKESRUS ] -=========================================- SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT: Researchers at the Baycrest Center for Geriatric Care in Toronto, Ont., Canada, say they have found where in the brain jokes are processed. People with right frontal lobe brain damage find it difficult to understand or "get" humor, says psychologist Prabitha Shammi. "Even when they knew it was funny, and could explain why it was funny, they didn't laugh or smile," she said. (UPI) ...If you don't think this is amusing, see your doctor immediately. [ This Is True for 4 April ] -=========================================- An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like, 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'" [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/13/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Spelling trivia ----------------- If GH stands for P as in Hiccough If OUGH stands for O as in Dough If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour If TTE stands for T as in Gazette If EAU stands for O as in Plateau The right way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU" [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- I always thought that the greenhouse effect was when life becomes unbearable due to all the hot air, but my dad says that that's the White House effect. What gives? -- Paul Burrucker from Annapolis, MD "We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." --Robert Wilensky As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. -- M. Cartmill I always wanted to be somebody... but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin [ various ] -=========================================- * In October in the Dent de Crolles region in France, sheepherder Christian Raymond, 23, was rescued from a cliff from which he was hanging by his fingers for about 20 minutes. He had called the emergency rescue operator on his cell phone earlier in the day and managed to make another call from the cliff by pressing "redial" with his nose against the phone, which had fallen down the mountain with him but had landed right beside him. * Recent Episodes of Car Surfboarding: Hampton, Va. (November): William Vaughn, 29, jumped onto a car's roof during a dispute to prevent his friend from leaving, but the friend drove off anyway (distance surfed: 25 miles, at speeds up to 60 mph). Chicago (November): Charles Gardner jumped onto his SUV's roof to prevent its carjacking, but the suspect drove off anyway (time surfed: 20 minutes). Ship Bottom, N.J. (January): Gas station attendant Matt Thomas jumped onto the hood of a car to try to prevent the customer from leaving without paying, but she drove off anyway (time surfed: a few minutes, at speeds up to 80 mph). * Continuing an occasional reader-advisory series of recent stories that were reported elsewhere as real news but which were probably just made up: A late-1998 story in the Internet pipeline, attributed to the "Associated Press," described a current craze in Japan of breweries' replacing carbon dioxide in beer with hydrogen, which leads to such side effects as being able to sing soprano parts in karaoke bars and (with a cigarette) being able to blow flames from one's mouth. As the story goes, stockbroker Toshira Otoma lost a barroom fireball-blowing contest and retaliated by fireballing one of the judges, singing her hair. Apparently, the episode got Otoma fired, and he reportedly is suing the Asaka Beer Company and the "Tike-Take" bar. Weird, but not true. [ News of The Wierd ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/14/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Rules Of Washington ------------------- If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for. Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily. There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. Chicken little only has to be right once. "NO" is only an interim response. You can't kill a bad idea. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. The truth is a variable. A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent. A promise is not a guarantee. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/15/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: I hear my Democratic friends want to add two faces to Mount Rushmore--Bill Clinton. (Rep. Matt Salmon) If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century. -- Dame Edna George Bernard Shaw in elevator w/ fellow attendees at a 60th class reunion: "John? Is that you? I thought we were both dead!" Anyone know how I can get my VCR to start blinking "1:00" now that Daylight Savings Time is here? [ various ] -=========================================- At their weekly Staff Meeting, the MicroSoft VP in charge of sales announced: "We're now selling a product every three minutes." "That's not enough." said Bill. The VP somewhat astonished at the boss' remark after presenting what he thought was a glowing report asked what was expected. Bill calmly replied, "It was once said that there's a sucker born every minute. Your job is to simply locate them." [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/18/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A redneck was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. They went to court, where he was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means I cain't call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cain't call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson." [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Slogans that never quite caught on... Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err." MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years." Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!" Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!" [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/19/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: It's said that 8 times out of 10, 73% of people over 65 have 401K balances 42% higher than middle-class Americans in their 30's with children between the age of 5 and 11. HA! Yeah, right! --Jeff Grant When you draw a blank on something, what does that look like? I think a cool ability would be being able to make your head explode at will. Athough I guess you could only do it once. --Adam Rakich [ various ] -=========================================- FUNNY, YOU DON'T LOOK INTELLIGENT: Arizona State Rep. Barbara Blewster has apologized to a colleague after telling her she didn't look Jewish. When Rep. Barbara Leff excused herself to attend a Passover function, Blewster told her, "You can't be Jewish. You don't have a big hooked nose." Blewster later said she has "no prejudice at all. I admire the Jews," but was "flabbergasted that my enjoyable, private conversations with my friends in the Legislature are getting in the newspaper." (AP) ..."The sacrifices of friendship were beautiful in her eyes as long as she was not asked to make them." --Saki [H. H. Munro] (1870-1916), Scottish author. [ This Is True for 11 April ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/21/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "It took the computing power of three C-64s to fly to the Moon. It takes a 486 to run Windows 95. Something is wrong here." -=========================================- Ways To Freak Out Your Roomate: Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. Draw a chalk outline of a body on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." [ JOKESRUS ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/24/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Adam to Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!" Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv: "My wife's two hours late. She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident, or she's shopping. OY ! I hope she's not shopping ! I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. T-Shirt: I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. [ various ] -=========================================- Strange Family Tree / I'm My Own Grampa (Muppets) Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course was my stepmother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom. And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!! [ Muppets ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/25/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me The Earth Is Full - Go Home So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." [ UGH Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/26/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: An overloaded logic inverter suddenly went up in a puff of smoke. "Are you O.K.?" asked someone . . . "No, I'm a fried NOT!" Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought he was melting? At Work: Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. A surgeon can always bury his mistakes. An architect can only plant vines/trees. A Highway Engineer has to put-up a sign. [ various ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/27/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read: "THOAP!" [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Q. Do you mind if I smoke? A. I don't care if you burst into flames and die. At Work: Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. "Seeing is believing." --Unknown Oh yeah? Well... "Peeing is relieving." --Colin Jarman [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 28/4/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Here's a funny GIF, part of a daily comic, called "Committed": ftp://scraimer@ftp.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Pines/6103/committed99060852421.gif -=========================================- Happy is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused. -- Unknown A good friend stabs you in the front. -- Oscar Wilde "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld In New York, a Democratic bumper sticker saying, "Run Hillary, Run" has appeared. Republicans are putting it on their FRONT bumper. [ various ] -=========================================- We've all heard the stat it's safer to fly in a plane than to drive in a car. What about the stat that says it's safer to CRASH in a car than it is in a plane?! You get in a car wreck, people say, "Was anyone hurt?" You get in a plane wreck, people say, "Was anyone RECOGNIZABLE?" [ JOKESRUS ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 4/29/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?" "I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man. "In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!" The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!" [ JOKESRUS ] -=========================================- History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club. --John W. Campbell The NATO attacks on Yugoslavia continue. The sad thing about all this is - a week ago the average American didn't even know where Belgrade was. They finally learn where it is and now it's almost gone. (Leno) Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor turned 69. In kind of an embarrassing moment at the party, Chief Justice Rehnquist showed up wearing the same designer robe. [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/2/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Ways To Freak Out Your Roomate: Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. Draw a chalk outline of a body on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." [ JOKESRUS ] -=========================================- Adam to Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!" Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv: "My wife's two hours late. She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident, or she's shopping. OY ! I hope she's not shopping ! I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. T-Shirt: I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/3/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Oops! I put the wrong URL for the image. Here it is: http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Pines/6103/committed99060852421.gif (Thanks Udi!) -=========================================- Strange Family Tree / I'm My Own Grampa (Muppets) Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course was my stepmother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom. And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!! [ Muppets ] -=========================================- [ed: I think everyone's read the Wife1.0 story. This kinda continues it.] Joe- Got your message about Wife1.0. I can sympathize but am unable to help. Having my own similar problems when I upgraded from College1.0 to Workplace1.0. Workplace1.0 was guaranteed to expand my CheckDrive (which it did) but in actuality it was soon gobbling up all free space on my LifeDrive. Among other things (just like Wife1.0) it began interfering with other treasured programs. For instance I could no longer log on to sleepinlate@weekends.com. and of course Beerbash2.5 was out of the question. (Workplace1.0 also seemed to bring along something called Maturity2.3 and Responsibility4.2- things College1.0 never prepared me for.) In desperation, Gradschool1.0 was a temporary fix, it did restore "sleepinlate" and "Beerbash". Only Maturity2.3 seemed to slow them down or at least took all the fun out of them. Gradschool1.0 also turned out to be a major resource drain. The only way out of it was to upgrade to Workplace2.0 which put me right back where I started- only with slighly bigger numbers. [ JOKESRUS ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/4/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: HAPPY HOUR: Chicago's Leo Burnett advertising agency wants to keep employees happy. To do that, the company has opened a bar for employees who work late. "This is not about knocking back boilermakers and staggering home," insists agency spokesman John Cowie. "It's about creating a social setting for our staff to mingle and talk about things you might not, in a business setting." The bar, open from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m., offers beer for $1 and mixed drinks for $2.50. Employees like the concept. "It's just very cool and convenient," said one. "We're here because we want to, not because we have to." (UPI) ...And it's a great place for managers to test pick-up lines on junior employees. [ This Is True for 25 April ] -=========================================- It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!" [ SCOC Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/06/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you're a United Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock. If you're an Air Force flight, it's 1500. If you're a Navy flight, it's 6 bells. If you're an Army flight, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you're a Marine Corps flight, it's Thursday afternoon. [ SCOC Humor ] -=========================================- Q. Why must we put on our pants one leg at a time? A. If we jumped into our pants, simultaneously placing both legs in at one time, we would land heavily on the ground. As a majority of us are getting dressed at the same time of the morning, the cumulative effect would cause an earth tremor. Due to the use of time zones, the tremor established in Eastern Time would arrive in the central zone at precisely the moment all those people were jumping into their pants. The tremor would increase in size exponentially, and proceed west to combine with the mountain zone folks as they get dressed. As this cycle encircles the globe, it would feed upon the next day's tremor and eventually cause the earth's crust to break apart and float into space. This is why we put our pants on one leg at a time. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/7/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "it's three weeks long." "What else?" I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys." he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump." [ SCOC Humor ] -=========================================- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." "You're a necromancer! It isn't dying, it's a learning experience!" - 'Grunts' Bourbon Renewal: After a few drinks your old neighborhood starts to look a lot better. From a humor list contributor named JimJr: Like a lot of contributors, I receive comments on my jokes. I divide mine into two files: "Pro" and "Con". Some remarks can't be categorized however. One lady wrote: "I pray for you each night JimJr." [ various sources ] Delivered-To: scraimer@softhome.net Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 18:27:18 +0200 From: "S. Robert Elman" Organization: Elcadom, Ltd. X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.51 [en] (WinNT; I) X-Accept-Language: en To: Shalom Craimer Subject: [Fwd: HUMOR] Subject: HUMOR: Newspaper articles from abroad >From the Guardian, concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: "Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case." >From the Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved." >From the Derby Abbey Community News: "We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typgraphical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nilcome is a Detective in the Police Farce." >From the Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pound overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name." >From the Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket." Phreakers, or "Phone hackers" managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to "Hello, you fat bastard." >From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For the Sick," is for monetary donations only." ------------- Subject: HUMOR?: The QPSAT (Quick Political Scholastic Aptitude Test) This test consists of one (1) multiple-choice question (so you better get it right!) Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum: China 1945-46 Korea 1950-53 China 1950-53 Guatemala 1954 Indonesia 1958 Cuba 1959-60 Guatemala 1960 Congo 1964 Peru 1965 Laos 1964-73 Vietnam 1961-73 Cambodia 1969-70 Guatemala 1967-69 Grenada 1983 Libya 1986 El Salvador 1980s Nicaragua 1980s Panama 1989 Iraq 1991-99 Sudan 1998 Afghanistan 1998 Yugoslavia 1999 In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result? Choose one of the following: (a) 0 (b) zero (c) none (d) not a one (e) zip (f) a whole number between -1 and +1 (g) zilch ----------- It took the DMV in Virginia 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized plate: 3M TA3 If you need a hint, scroll down Pretend you're looking through your rear-view mirror. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/16/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The Mother Superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak... Mother Superior: There was a sinful deed committed here, yesterday. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And I also found a condom. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And it has been used! 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it! 1 nun: Oh, No! 99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! [ Laugh-Your-Ass-Off ] -=========================================- The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, "The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do." But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after... Fred Flintstone Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; "Twinkle-Toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma. Bugs Bunny Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp. Velma (of Scooby Doo) Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy. Popeye Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy. Batman and Robin Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks." Peppermint Patty Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir. The Pink Panther Enough said. [ Joke of The Day ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/22/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: I found these to be intriguing, and enjoyed the challenge. I hope you do too.] CLASSIC LATERAL THINKING EXERCISES This test does not measure intelligence, your fluency with words, creativity, or mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility. In the three years since this test was developed, few people have been found who could solve more than half of the 28 questions on the first try. Many, however, reported getting answers long after the test had been set aside particularly at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed. Some reported solving all the questions over a period of several days. Take the test as your personal challenge. Try these to loosen up the old brain cells. 1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why? This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions that fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying. 2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be? 3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, coat, gloves and ski mask. He is walking down a back street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man? 4. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How? 5. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees. 6. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die? 7. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know? 8. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so? 9. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says "Thank you" and walks out. This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out. SOLUTIONS 1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it. 2. The surgeon was his mother. 3. It was day time. 4. At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother. 5. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round. 6. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch. 7. He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments. 8. They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.). This puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available? 9. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups--so the man no longer needed the water. This is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages. [ JOKESRUS ] Delivered-To: scraimer@softhome.net Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 09:53:05 +0200 From: "S. Robert Elman" Reply-To: Bob@autodesk.com Organization: Elcadom, Ltd. X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.51 [en] (WinNT; I) X-Accept-Language: en To: Shalom Craimer Subject: Some recent humor... A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a hot damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a hot damn checking account freakin' right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no hot damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the freakin' damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn sorry ass bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" =========================================================== According to a short item in today's SF Chronicle... Every chic restaurant has a secret phone number so preferred customers can get reservations when ordinary folks can't. A few months ago, a food writer for Vogue published the secret number for a popular spot, infuriating the restaurant's management and forcing them to change it and notify 3000 customers of the new number. The New York Times then published a story on the issue, printing the new number. Reportedly, the restaurant's owner then told people who called the new number that it had been changed, and gave them the home phone number of the Times reporter. The owner vehemently denied that he had done this, describing it as an act of extreme immaturity but saying that if he did do it, he'd never do it again, and if he does do it again, he apologizes profusely in advance. ========================================================== In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: ON SEARS HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) ON SOME SWANSON FROZEN DINNERS: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!) ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.) ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) ON BOOT'S CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) ON NYTOL SLEEP AID: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?) ON A STRING OF CHINESE-MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to......???) ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?) ON A CHILD'S SUPERMAN COSTUME: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) ======================================================= The Darwin Awards go to the least evolved of the species .. this month's candidates are: 1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the hospital. 2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian Roulette and put a semi-automatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. 3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding, "He was really drunk." 4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. 5 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) 6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. 7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve-pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 5/29/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and get me to subscribe. With caller ID this becomes a perfect opportunity. Here are some of the highlights. Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone. "OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on weekends" "What?" "You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but only for Saturday and Sunday" "We only offer it Thursday through Sunday." "Oh then nevermind." I hang up. Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone. "I don't want a subscription" (silence) "What?" "You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't want one." (silence} "uh... OK" I hang up. Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone. "Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?" (silence) "I wanna buy a gun. You got any?" (silence) I hang up. Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone. "Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department. How may I help you?" (silence) "Umm... Sorry. Wrong number." I hang up. [ JOKESRUS ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 30/5/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. "How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here, young hothead?" [ SCOC ] -=========================================- A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out." [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/5/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic: Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"? If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie." Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"? [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently warn the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned." [ JOKESRUS ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/7/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Crazy records I found in The Guinness Book of Records Amresh Kumar Jha (India) balanced on one foot for 71 hours 40 minutes. Ashrita Furman (New York) balanced 62 pint glasses on his chin for 10 seconds. Bungkas (India) holds the record for most time spent in a tree. He climbed up a palm tree in 1970, and (despite attempts to get him down) has been up there ever since. [ Trivia ] -=========================================- A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" [ laugh-your-ass-off ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/8/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Dear Mom and Dad, We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Bishop Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Bishop Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Bishop Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Bishop Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Bishop Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Bishop Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Bishop Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed off our first aid merit badge. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Bishop Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole [ SCOC Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/10/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Q. What's the difference between a lousy marksman and a constipated owl? A. The marksman shoots, but he can't hit. Printed on the back of a Hells Angel's T-shirt: "If you can read this my bitch fell off" A thousand words are worth a picture-- and they load faster, too. -- Unknown [ various ] -=========================================- There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade. A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicious C, retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!" [ Oracle Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/15/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..." [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you." [ JOKESRUS ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/16/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Committee: The unready, who have been appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary. The trouble with real life is that there's no danger music. -- Jim Carrey in "The Cable Guy" The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~ A rather short note not saying much was received by two parents: "Dear Mom & Dad, They're making us write home. Love, Thomas" [ various ] -=========================================- Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/19/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A policeman pulled a car over and told the Mexican driver that he had won $5,000 dollars as part of a seat-belt awareness program. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $4. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way." [ Joke Mailer ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/26/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they would accept three defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you." [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure. --Portuguese Proverb The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. -- Nathaniel Borenstein FIREFIGHTERS FIND THEM HOT AND LEAVE EM WET [ various ] -=========================================- After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/28/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and they mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shalt not kill." [ JOKESRUS ] -=========================================- Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little 3-year old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud." [ Joke of the Day ] -=========================================- It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!" [ JOKESRUS ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/28/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: Edited for length] THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR: Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. Ask, "Did you feel that?" When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." [ JOKESRUS ] -=========================================- After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing ... not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside. [ Joke Mail ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/29/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: This is pretty grewsome, but still funny; Edited for length] First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People *** Electrocution *** Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be. ----------------------------------------- *** Fractures and Broken Limbs *** Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh. ----------------------------------------- *** Cuts and Wounds *** Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha Ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know. ----------------------------------------- *** Objects Stuck In The Eye *** Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it. ----------------------------------------- *** Concussion *** When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the victims score and send it to me at this address: Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345 The highest score wins a mystery prize. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blind or something." [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/01/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Now being posted on Chinese Embassy notice boards: "Important! Laser pointers are no longer to be used when giving presentations" Beware the wrath of a quiet man. -- Chinese Proverb "Crazy men see ghosts; sane men ignore them." "Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." --Norm Papernick [ various ] -=========================================- After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope. "Is it not true that you are the Messenger of God on Earth?" asks the Jew. "Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope. "Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so and so on. "So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right." "Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope. "Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 1, A.D." [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 6/4/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: THE MORNING SONG ... FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE - Submitted by Robert Quayle _____________________________________________ I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perch on my window sill, He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles Began to slip away. He sang of far off places Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, And gently lowered the window And crushed his freakin' head. [ JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ] -=========================================- You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" [ JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/5/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: Sorry about yesterday's mistake in the date...] This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division. They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position). Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife... As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place... [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- "Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambition." When in Doubt, do as the Doubtians do. There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. Q: Who was Alexander Graham Belski? A: The first telephone pole. [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/7/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Yes WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/9/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "It says something about our times when you rarely see the word 'sinful' except to describe a really good dessert." Don't make me come down there. -God "Stop me if you've heard this one. [snicker]. What were the first words that Adam said to Eve? 'Stand back, I don't know how big this is going to get.' -Shecky D. Almighty "Plague, you're it!" -God. "<-------- The information went data way -------->" -sig file [ various ] -=========================================- This was a response to "How can I do crypto on my E-mail?" on Slashdot: Develop your own provably secure encryption algorithm, and then whenever you want to send email to a friend, encrypt it 3 or 4 times over with different keys, zip it using InfoZip but change the extension to ".tgz" or ".tar.gz" (very important!), then uuencode it and encrypt the result. Now split the file up into a thousand chunks and intersperse them in an MPEG animation as spurious frames. Take note of which frames have the real data in them and split the numbers up into groups of 4 (this will be important later on). Now place the MPEG on a zip disk, mislabel it as "holiday pictures" (sneaky!) and place in a regular postal envelope. Finally, hire out a Brink's truck and 4 guards to drive the package to the intended recipient. Make each of the 4 guards memorize one group of the MPEG frames without telling them what it is. [ the editor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/12/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A Cat Diary DAY 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.... DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. ^,,^< ^,,^< ^,,^< ^,,^< Ginger Katz (Thanks to Marc Whitney) [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/13/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Somebody in Canada started a contest to come up with a saying analogous to "As American as apple pie." The idea was to finish this sentence: "As Canadian as..." The winner: "As Canadian as possible under the circumstances." [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- My way *is* the Highway. - God Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote. If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don't yell out "Hi Jack!" [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/14/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." --Dave Barry "Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry." --George Ada When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. [ various ] -=========================================- Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat." The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/15/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: ** BETTER TITLES FOR THE NEW "STAR WARS" MOVIE ** ~ Come To Papa, You Geeks ~ Just Hand Over the Wallet, and Nobody Gets Hurt ~ The Toys-R-Us Christmas '99 Catalog [ Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!" [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/16/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "*Yours* is." [ SCOC Humor ] -=========================================- Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North." "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything! AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU????? [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/17/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" "Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love... [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted. "My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" [ Joke Mailer ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/18/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don`t like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it`s on fire." [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- USEFUL METRIC CONVERSIONS 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10 rations = 1 decoration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 10 monologs = 5 dialogues 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa [ Oracle Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/20/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Because of budgetary constraints, the City of Baltimore in Maryland has stopped the tradition of giving people a "Key to the City." These days, they just send a guy over and he shows ya how to pick the lock. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- At the Science Center I saw an exhibit entitled, "How the Earth Works," and right underneath it was a little sign that said, "Out of Order." I gave my cat a bath the other day... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it. It was fun for me also. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that... ~ Steve Martin Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group I think animal testing is a terrible thing. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers. [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/23/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: July 20th, 1999 will mark the 30th Anniversary of the lunar landing. To commemorate the event, Neil Armstrong, "Buzz" Aldrin, and Michael Collins will arrive at Cape Canaveral together in a limousine. Neil and Buzz will join the day's festivities, and Michael will be left sitting in the car. [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- my haiku rocks it has four, eleven, and five syllables that's right, isn't it? It's clear that since there are more and more idiots in the world, there must be a large number of fucking idiots. If you stand in the middle of a library and shout "Aaaaaaaaargh" at the top of your voice, everyone just stares at you. If you do the same thing on an aeroplane, why does everyone join in? Would I be an optimist or a pessimist if I said my bladder was half full? [ rec.humor.funny Digest ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/2/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: NEXT CASE: Beverley Lancaster, 44, retired from her clerk job at the City Council in Birmingham, England, because of job stress. What was so stressful? She was promoted against her will, she says. A sympathetic industrial tribunal has awarded her 67,000 pounds (US$105,600) in compensation. "My employers should have listened to me but I was treated like a number, not a human being," she complained. (Reuters) ..."But 67,000 is a number I can live with," she said afterward. FORE! "Golfer Charged With Drunken Driving" -- AP headline [ This Is True for 11 July ] -=========================================- A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it." "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it." "This is my position, and I will not compromise!" [ SCOC Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/3/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The Lord's Prayer: 66 words Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address: 286 words American Declaration of Independence: 1,322 words U.S. government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words "I cannot tell a lie" ... George Washington "I cannot tell the truth" ... Richard Nixon "I cannot tell the difference" ... Bill Clinton [ SCOC Humor ] -=========================================- Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief. About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred pelts, but Falling Rocks never returned. Even today as you drive throughout the West you can see signs saying: KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/4/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Student Loan ------------ A student comes back to the dorm and finds his roommate near tears. "What's the matter pal?" he asked. His roommate says, "I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I could buy a laptop." "So I guess they said no?" the student asked. "No, they sent me the laptop," the roommate moaned. [ Joke Of The Day ] -=========================================- What did Prince Charles say to OJ Simpson? "That's the way to do it." "They call it baby-sitting but all you do is run after them." --unknown "Whoever says that the small things don't matter should try sleeping with a mosquito in the room." --Unknown "If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village." --Jack Handy [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/5/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A Priest and a Rabbi are walking past a park full of little boys playing. The Priest says, "Hey Rabbi, let's go over to the park and screw a couple of little boys." The Rabbi replies, "Screw them outta what?" [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- * Lindbergh did not sleep for 24 hours preceding his 33 1/2 hour flight, and kept awake by holding his eyes open with his fingers, slapping himself, and opening the cockpit window * carried with him five sandwiches he bought at a drugstore at the last minute (he is reported to have said that he wouldn't need more than five if he made it across the Atlantic, and he wouldn't need more than five if he didn't) [ MailBits.com Trivia ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/6/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Signs Your Dog Has Been Replaced By a Robot Dog * No longer has any problem typing. In fact, he's posted naked pictures of your cat on the Web. * "Fetch!" "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave." * Refuses to pee on Al Gore out of professional courtesy. * Playful "mailman's here" yap replaced by maniacal paw-flapping "Warning, Jim Rosenberg, Warning!" * Shorts out every time he licks himself. * When you fake throwing a ball for him to fetch, you hear, "Projectile Analysis Module reports error Division By Zero - Aborting!" * He not only chases cars, he catches them, drags them back, and buries them in the front yard. * Frequently eats documents left lying around the house, presses tail into phone jack, and leaves you with expensive long-distance phone bills to China. [ JokeRUs ] -=========================================- [ed: There used to be an old piece of humor about Airlines being run like OS's. Here's an additional bit. If you want the whole piece, ask me to mail it to you. This is an addition.] Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?" To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/7/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars." [ Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- From "Wound-Up DefCon Winds Down", a Wired article on the annual hackers convention: Sunday morning and afternoon sessions were punctuated with rousing rounds of "Spot the Fed," the annual DefCon game of outing federal agents. Anyone identified as a Fed was brought up on stage for questioning. The suspected Feds, all of whom were more than willing to whip out badges after a few minutes of interrogation, were dressed almost universally in polo shirts and khakis, their crew-cut stiffness a striking contrast to their black-clad accusers. The audience hurled questions at them like, "Does your office have a ban on Furby's?" and "What does Dana Scully [the fictional X-files agent] really look like?" One Fed lost all hope of going undetected by responding, "Never heard of him." [Copyright 1994-99 Wired Digital Inc. All rights reserved. For more on the story: http://www.wired.com/news/news/technology/story/20671.html] [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/8/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years." --Socrates Japanese Kamikaze pilots of WWII underwent rigorous training that prepared them for their suicide mission. If they refused to stay in the corps, they were shot as traitors... "Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable." --Mark Twain [ various ] -=========================================- rec.humor.funny Digest: > I was having a problem with NT 4.0. Only a Microsoft OS could > report the following: > > > The Microsoft Exchange Information Store service depends on the > Microsoft Exchange Directory service which failed to start because > of the following error: > The operation completed successfully. -==- While on the phone with Microsoft technical support yesterday, I was put on hold. I was surprised when the song being played was a song called "Lookin' for Answers That Nobody Knows". -==- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -==- Sign on a Calgary street: Speeding Fines 10 km over the limit.......$50 20 km over the limit.......$82 30 km over the limit......$117 (best bargain) -==- Saw this on a car last night.. HOW'S MY DRIVING? http://www.byte-me.com -==- Message seen written in the dust on a Lucent Technologies truck. "Test dirt do not remove" -==- While waiting for a long program to finish running, I decided to surf the web. I found an article on staying focused at work and, given that I was surfing, I decided I could use help in this area. When I followed the link, my browser crashed. [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/9/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Fashion King Paco Rabanne has launched an attack on young fashion designer Stella McCartney (daughter of Paul), describing her as 'pitiful and grotesque', and accusing her of producing 'nothing but crap'. A spokeswoman for Ms McCartney said that Ms McCartney was over the moon that one of the fashion world's established stars had finally publically accepted Ms McCartney as "one of us". [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- The Mother Superior went to the construction site next to her Order's convent and sought out the Foreman. Once found she began to dress him down for the loud, foul language being used on the site, and express her umbrage that she and the Sisters were being exposed to these crudities. The Foreman stood his ground (he must have been an Anglican). He told the Sister that while he sympathized, he was not running a finishing school and that all he required of the men working for him was a good day's work for a good day's pay. He told her he was not going to speak to the men, and advised her to remember that construction workers were hard-working labourers who "call a spade a spade". The Mother Superior drew herself to her full height and said "No, they don't! They call it a fucking shovel!" [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/15/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: Regarding the Kennedy death] >From the desk of Bill Clinton >TOP SECRET >Date: Friday, July 16, 1999 >To: CIA operatives No, no, no! I said *Jar Jar* must die! Bill [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- *NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER* EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads! STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars? SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie! TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell! REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map! OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest! PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again! CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO! ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point? SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk! [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/17/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: Edited for length] SIGNS YOU'VE GOT BAD SEATS AT YANKEE STADIUM * Vendors in other sections: "Beer! Hot Dogs!" Vendor in your section: "First aid kits! Life insurance!" * Beer and peanuts have to be airlifted in. * When the batter points above your head, you think, "He's gonna hit it this way!" When everyone in the stadium follows suit, you're not so sure. * Kid next to you brought his mitt and the "Jaws Of Life." * You may be in "The House that Ruth Built," but you're sitting under a beam installed by a contractor named Gino "Payoff" Bitelli. * After each inning, your picture's on the JumboTron with the Jaws theme playing in the background. * "And now, will Section G please stand for the singing of "Nearer My God, To Thee..." * Ushers in your section replaced by personal injury attorneys. * The scoreboard welcomes Flatulents Anonymous, who are seated your section. [ SCOC Humor ] -=========================================- www.ParanoidPsychoticDelusions.com: Actively psychotic people used to complain that they were victims of CIA mind experiments, or that radio waves were controlling their thoughts. Boring old stuff, researchers report. Dr. Glenn Catalano, a psychiatrist at the University of South Florida says you can now add the Internet to the list of bothers. "That's not really surprising," he says. "Things can seem especially threatening when you don't know much about them." One 40-year-old man complained a friend had planted "Internet bugs" in his ears to read his mind, and put special links on his web page that, when clicked on, would cause one of his arms or legs to twitch. Catalano says psychiatrists are "going to have to start asking different kinds of questions" of patients. These days, "you can't just ask if someone is following you." (AP) ...At least web designers now have some great new ideas for extensions to HTML. [ THIS is TRUE for 25 July 1999 ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/18/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: JUST THE FACTS, MAN: Police in Honolulu, Hawaii, responding to an apartment after a "911" call, were greeted by Denny Usui, 28. They asked to see his grandmother, who lived there, but he told them she wasn't home. After insisting they needed to talk to her, he changed his story, officers say. "Oh, I think she's dead," he told the cops. "She's in the shower." Officers found her, dead, "neatly covered" by a blanket. Usui reportedly told them, "I don't want to say anything else until I speak to my attorney because this is a felony and I never committed a murder before." (Honolulu Star-Bulletin) ...If you give up your right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you as soon as we finish laughing. [ THIS is TRUE for 1 August 1999 ] -=========================================- One evening Johnny sat down at the kitchen table doing his homework while his mother watched television. Upon hearing the evening news, his mother let out a shriek. "Johnny! Johnny! China has just launched a nuclear missle toward the United States." Johnny looked up from his book with a confused expression on his face. "Do you understand what this means?" his mother implored. All excited, Johnny quickly replied, "No school tomorrow." [ed: think 'literally' :-] [ Joke of The Day ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/19/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Dear Doctor Science, How can I look at the barcode on a package and determine what the price should be? -- David Mokren from Frazier Park All it takes is a little intra-cranial implant you can get for free at any United Nations office. Ask for the "Mark of the Beast Sign". There's a nominal charge of six dollars and sixty-six cents, but they'll wave it if you sign some papers that pledge your allegiance to a guy named Andy Kreiss. Once you've been upgraded this way, you'll be able to discern prices on barcodes, learn the real meaning of Christmas, and see clearly why the Bill of Rights should be scrapped and replaced with Daily Briefings from Marilyn Manson or Dr. Science. [ Dr. Science ] -=========================================- Save the whales. Feed the hungry. Free the mallocs. - sig. "A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?" --Ronnie Shakes "I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." - Rodney Dangerfield [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/20/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [Seen on misc.market at Carnegie Mellon University] It's been amazing. You've been out on a date with this sweet woman. She's so wonderful. She's all you've ever hoped for. What's better. She wants to fool around with you after the date . . . . at your place!! Alright. Home turf. You two somehow manage your way into the bedroom and you're getting your swerve on when suddenly the phone rings. You try to ignore it, but there's just no way. From the darkness, you hear the sweetest voice say, "Aren't you going to answer it?" With a quickness only known by horny 20-something's, you reach for the phone when you realize, "CRAP!! NO NIGHTSTAND FOR THE PHONE!!!" You fall backward off the bed, landing on the phone and spraining your neck. Now, you're being driven to the hospital by this nice girl who is thinking "What a comeplete moron. He can't even buy a friggin nightstand." You're injured, embarrassed and definitely not gettin' any. All because of a lack of nightstand. Don't be stupid. Buy mine. $15. -Chris [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- THIRTEEN MISUNDERSTANDINGS IN THE HISTORY OF MATHEMATICS In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that .... 1. Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny." 2. Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his daughter "Tootsie." 3. William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his friends. 4. The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand." 5. Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push." 6. Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel." 7. There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine, and if there was, the motto of their mathematics department would not be "Secant ye shall find." 8. Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow that Euclid is pronounced oi-clid. 9. Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have to sphere is sphere itself." 10. Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. 11. It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could only see one side to every question. 12. It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that after his lecture the first three questions he was asked were "What is elliptical?" What is an orbit?" and "What is a planet? 13. It is true that primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known constants of mathematics. For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is dependent upon government assistance, which is not always forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government at half-price, and the government passed them onto the northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples: "He who has a Tait's is lost." [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/21/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The recent story about trying to buy a sailboat reminded me of this tale told to me by a friend: My friend Dave needed to have his septic system cleaned out recently so he called up a local company and made an appointment to get this done. When the septic man arrived at the appointed time, Dave offered to help him. The offer of help was refused. In fact, all such offers were now refused by the septic cleaner ever since one guy was standing by, helping out, when the hose started sucking up a bunch of condoms. The home owner looked at the rubbers and ran into the house. It seems he didn't use condoms. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] -=========================================- ACTUAL SIGNS ------------ In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push." On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." [ laugh-your-ass-off ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/22/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A friend of mine was reporting to me on how upset William Shatner seemed at a press conference after his wife's mysterious death. "It's clear he's not involved in any way," she said. "We already know that he can't act that well." [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- [ed: edited for length] Rules of Thumb for the Clueless ------------------------------- From somone who learned them the hard way (Well, maybe) Hairdressers: ------------- Always assume that your barbers and hairdressers are from another galaxy where "Just give me a trim" is actually Moronian for "What the hell, just chop it all off." If you have a picture of yourself with a halfway decent haircut, bring it in and point at it mutely. They'll understand. Just make sure there aren't any pets in the picture with you, or they might get confused; God only knows what you'll wind up looking like then. Dealing with Roommates: ----------------------- Undesirable roommates can be disposed of by surreptitiously stapling or gluing bills of large denominations to the backs of their jackets. This works best if you live in one of the seedier parts of town. It costs much less than a hit man, and it's perfectly legal. I think. Selecting a Place to Live: -------------------------- Big basements are key. People you barely know will ask you to store all sorts of stuff for them. *Lots* of stuff. Just tell them, "OK," take their junk, and sell it the next day; they'll forget about it and never ask for it again anyhow. If they do, simply inform them that their sofas have been "liberated" by the Berserkers Advocating Rights for Furniture. They'll understand, and they won't bother you any longer. Especially if you mention that you are a member of the aforementioned organization. Make sure that you foam at the mouth when you say this. Be rabid, *with conviction*. Bathroom Etiquette/Survivial: ----------------------------- If you live in an apartment or house and are responsible for cleaning the bathroom yourself (translation: the bathroom is cleaned bicentenially), use orange shampoo. This way, you can rationalize that the orange slimy stuff growing on your shower curtains is actually merely a buildup of shampoo residue. Important note: if you have a roommate in the biological sciences, under NO curcumstances allow him to grow a sample of it in a Petri dish. And if he does, for heaven's sake, don't snort it, especially if there are sharp objects lying around that you could hurt yourself with later. (I still have the scars.) If the water pressure is low, when you use the bathroom, do your business, flush immediately, *then* wipe yourself up and flush again. No sense in having to duck flying pieces of crap while you're plunging the toilet. Yard Maintenance: ----------------- When birds start perching on the lawn, it's time to mow it. Leftovers: ---------- Make sure to eat leftovers before the predator/prey relationship between you and your food reverses itself through a process of accelerated evolution. If you're not sure just how far this process has gone so far, keep a heavy, blunt object handy while cleaning out the fridge. Even after leftovers have gotten to this stage, they can still be put to good use: if you dump them in the trash (after clubbing them a couple of times, of course) just before going on a two- or three- day trip, the resulting stench will ensure that one of your roommates will take out the garbage for you while you're gone. Bedtime Attire: --------------- If you're a sleepwalker, don't go to bed in the buff. [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/23/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: This is a long, but hilarious parody of a music clip by Baz Lurman, called "Sunscreen" or "Advice" - I don't recall] If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Star Wars Episode 1 Merchandising would be it. The long term profits from buying Star Wars merchandising have been consistently stated by collectors, who's "Wookie with bowcaster still in its original box" is now worth enough to put all their kids through college, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your Death Star. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your Death Star until its been blown up, twice. But trust me, as you tumble down the shaft towards the main reactor you'll look back and realize that putting a lid on that exhaust port would have solved this whole problem in the first place. You are not a Jedi yet, young Skywalker. Dont worry about the fact that young Anakin and Queen Amidala are supposed to do-it in the next film. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as the world and his dog telling Lucas the Jar Jar sucks. The real troubles in the next film are likely to be plot and casting choices that you'd have never made yourself in a drunken fit Go and see the film once a day until it bores you. Sing along with the theme tune Quit moaning about how certain aliens sound like Japanese or Jamaicans Dont put up with people who can't quit moaning about it. Do or do not, there is no try. Don't waste your time betting on Sebulba. Sometimes Anakin was ahead and sometimes he was behind. The race was long, but you knew, in the end, he had to win it. Keep the good bits of the films and edit out the mindless dross. If you succeed in doing this, please send me a copy. Keep your old film posters. Throw away your old cinema tickets Trust in the force. Dont feel guilty if you dont know when you're going to grow up and get a life. The most interesting people I know were having lightsaber battles with their friends at 22. And at age 50, George Lucas owns half of California. If you're a stormtrooper, get plenty of your mates before trying ANYTHING! Learn to speak over 3000 languages yourself and shoot your protocol droid. Believe me, you won't miss it when it's gone. Maybe you'll finish what you've begun, maybe you wont Maybe you'll become a Jedi, maybe you wont. Maybe you'll reach your 800th birthday, but look this good you will not. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself too harshly. Your choices are half guided by the force and so are everybody elses. Enjoy the force. Stretch out with your feelings. Dont be afraid of what some burnt out old smuggler who can do the Kessle run in under 3 parsecs might think of you. He's just jealous. Dance, even if you have nowhere else to do it than at the end of a long chain in Jabba's palace Ignore the person who has a bad feeling about this, everybody else does. Dont ever read the reviews in film magazines. They'll only tell you what some bitter old has-been film critic thought. Get to know your family. Or run the risk that the girl you're trying to score and your arch enemy will turn out to be your sister and your father. Be nice to wookies. They're seven feet tall, bad tempered and you never know when they might rip off your arms and beat you to death with the wet bit. Understand that blockbusters come and go, but with a precious few flics you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps of credibility and consistency, because the older you get, the more youre going to think that everything they release these days is crap Live on Alderan once, but leave before it gets blown to smithereens Live on Tatooine once, but leave before you become a moisture farmer. Drool at the special effects. Accept certain inalienable truths : Plots will have inconsistencies Special effects will take priority over script, and the comic sidekick will annoy the hell out of you. And when he does, you will fantasize that when you were young, plots were always consistent, the scripts were so sharp you could cut yourself and the comic sidekicks were NEVER as bad as Jar Jar. Worship Bobba Fett. Dont expect to beat the rebel alliance. Maybe you'll have 20 of your best legions on the surface Endor moon. Maybe you'll have the entire star fleet and a frikin Death Star in orbit around it. But you never know when 200 furry muppets and a fleet of space gypsies are going to blow you all to hell. Don't mess with Obi-Wan Kenobi, or by the time your 40, youll sound like someone who breaths with the aid of a dustbuster. Be careful which films you buy the directors cut of, but be patient with the directors that supply them. Releasing a directors cut, wide-screen, remastered edition is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of taking the same move, adding in 30 seconds of extra footage and selling it to the same bunch of spineless zombies that bought the last 5 editions. But trust me on the merchandising. by Cathal O' Siochru (with thanks to Baz Lurman and George Lucas) [ Oracle Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/24/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: It's my birthday today! Isn't it great - knowing you're another year closer to dying? %-] STRAINING TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT: When Vice President Al Gore wanted a photo to show what an environmentally-minded politician he is, he decided a canoe trip on the Connecticut River would do. But to make the photo better, 4 billion gallons of water was released from a dam to bring the river's water level up far enough so Gore's canoe wouldn't get stuck in the mud. "They won't release water for the fish when we ask them to, but somehow they find themselves able to release it for a politician," complained John Kassel, director of the Vermont Department of Natural Resources, to The Washington Times newspaper. Kassel later denied making the remark, but the paper stood by its story. Meanwhile, ex-Vice President Dan Quayle is proud that he is the butt of jokes by TV comedians. "In the Leno poll, I'm number one," Quayle proclaimed, referring to the host of The Tonight Show who, he says, has made at least 52 jokes this year at his expense. They don't bother him? "Oh, I love those jokes," Quayle insists. (AP, 2) ...At least, the ones he understands. DON'T LEAVE THE PLAYGROUND WITHOUT IT: Antonia Scalise of Rochester, N.Y., thought it would be amusing to fill out a credit card application in the name of her daughter, Alessandra. She accurately stated that Alessandra was 3 years old, listed her occupation as "preschooler", and wrote she wants a credit card even though "my mommy says no". The application to Charter One Bank was approved and the girl was given a $5,000 credit limit. Antonia complained that even though she put down zero income, the girl got a credit card "with a higher line of credit than me and my husband have." Everyone but the bank has a sense of humor about it: "We've taught her to say, 'Charge it'," Antonia says, but the bank has canceled the account. (AP) ...Preschooler credit line, $5,000. Beating the bank at its own game, Priceless. [ THIS is TRUE for 15 August ] -=========================================- "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." - Rodney Dangerfield I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again. "Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a flame." --unknown [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/25/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." [ SCOC Humor ] -=========================================- A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: "So, has anything happened while I've been away?" "No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning." "Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time." "Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died." "My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?" "The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat." "The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lieing around for the dog to eat?" "Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down." "Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?" "It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir." "The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?" "Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle." "Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?" "They were there for the wake, sir." "The wake?!? Whose wake?" "Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly." "Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?" "It must have been the shock, sir." "The shock." "Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir." [ SCOC Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/26/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her. He told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out -- directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. [ SCOC Humor ] -=========================================- I don't know if any of you have heard of the "$95,093.35 check" story. I apologive if you have. Synopsis: On a whim, Patrick Combs deposited into his bank's ATM machine one of those "fake" checks you get in a junk mail letter, never expecting it to get cashed. But, to his surprise, they did cash it. That was only the beginning of his fascinating true story. Hear his amazing saga from beginning to end. For full story go to: http://www.dnai.com/~pcombs/$$tablecontents.html It's a long read, (about 20 pages) but really cool! [ this link found on www.bored.com ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/28/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: At the recent MacWorld Expo in New York City, Microsoft's presentation featured a bit of unscheduled excitement: Many in the audience had picked up "bug suckers" from the Linuxcare, Inc. booth -- transparent lollipops with real dead crickets inside. Unfortunately, one attendee hadn't looked too closely, and was working on it absent-mindedly during the demo, when she suddenly "hit bug". She let out a bloodcurdling yell, and _literally_ brought the Microsoft presentation to a screaming halt. [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their ancestors had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose----how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of their history tactfully. The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock." [ JokeRUs ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/29/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Warning!!! There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper- document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever. [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- The city of Stirling, Scotland, has put up a statue of William Wallace. He was the Scottish patriot and the hero of the film "Braveheart", who fought a battle near Stirling. Unfortunately, nobody knows what William Wallace looked like, so guess who the statue looks like? Mel Gibson. (From the "Courier-Mail" newspaper, Brisbane, Australia, Saturday 21 August 1999). [ rec.humor.funny ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/30/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: 1999 DARWIN AWARDS: The first candidate! Already, the first candidate for the 1999 Darwin Awards is circulating on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. And so, without further ado, the first candidate for '99: MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to ice reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbour heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene. GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped...and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ... Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective seats. DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT... A lawyer [!] and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminium bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, you would, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry. CATCH! A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalised. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . . Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone...more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT! Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers. Runner-Up: Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"...the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhoea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquillise her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear." said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/31/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. ~ YOU COULD BE A COP IF: You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twighlight Zone. "You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER." --Frank Zappa Sign in the hills near Ooty in India: "Swimming, bathing, washing of clothes in these crocodile-infested waters is forbidden. Survivors will be prosecuted." [ various ] -=========================================- The only three US presidents who ever had to deal with real or impending impeachment: Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton... All have names that are euphemisms for "penis": Johnson, Dick and Willie. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/1/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: This old man goes to the doctor and tells him that he thinks that his wife is going deaf and he'd sure like some advice about how to help her, but knows she will get upset if he approaches her without the evidence. The doctor tells him that he needs to know exactly how deaf she is before he can give much help. He suggested that the guy go home and find out what distance away he needs to be for his wife to hear him. So the old man goes home, opens the front door and says: "Hi honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?" but with no reply. He then moves to the living room and repeats the question, but still gets no reply. Next, he walked to the kitchen door and repeated the same sentence, without any success. Finally, he came right up behind his wife, put his arms around her and said, "Hi honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?" "For the fourth and last time, you deaf old coot, it's CHICKEN!" [ Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- Gold Star Question: When ever things explode on TV, there is always some exciting music on just beforehand. But, whenever I put exciting music on, nothing explodes! Can you help me? -- Doug Martin from Claremont, CA TRUTH IN ADVERTISING: "'Boom Box' Explodes, One Dead" -- Reuters headline "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." --Alexander Haig [ various ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/2/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: ARTIE SCHMITZ'S GUIDE TO STUDYING IN COLLEGE ______________________________________________ Artie Schmitz attended Harvard for a year before professors realized he wasn't enrolled in the school. Since then, he has transferred from one college to another. Currently, he is an eighth-year junior at Florida's renowned Dade County Community College. From there he writes to us, giving fuzzy, unsound advice on how to succeed in college if you absolutely don't want to succeed. So, here it goes: 1. The secret to taking good notes is taking them from someone who goes to class. 2. Cliff Notes do not give you the same experience of reading the book, which is why you should read Cliff Notes. 3. Cheaters never win, but if they copy from the right people they could tie with the best. 4. Just because they call them Work/Study Jobs, doesn't mean you have to do either one. 5. Never wait to the last minute to start a paper - get an extension. 6. If you're going to cram the night before the test, make sure you cram everything onto a piece of paper you can fit into your sleeve. 7. Never judge a book by its cover. Save your opinion until you read the back of the book. 8. In case you need an excuse for missing an important exam, explain that you didn't know about the, "Beer before liquor," rule. 9. On essay questions, write long and sloppy. Professors have many papers to grade, and tons of jibberish will always get a passing grade. 10. Don't be concerned about failing. The only people concerned about your GPA are employers. [ Joke Of The Day ] -=========================================- A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!" [ed: If EVERYTHING went back to what it was - would this be the first wish again?] [ UGA Humor ]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/4/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A reader wrote to columnist Mike Royko at the Chicago Tribune: "How long have you been writing a column? A friend told me it is about 25 years, but I don't see how anybody as stupid as you could do it that long. It would be impossible, because you are as dumb as they come." Royko replied, "Actually, it is more than 30 years. But you have spotted the secret of my longevity. Stupidity. When I write, I never think. Thinking would just slow me down. By the way, you might buy yourself a typewriter and give it a try. Your letter shows considerable promise." Chicago Tribune [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- A teaching colleague was previewing a book for her second-grade class and became concerned about a passage in which one character refers to another as a "bum." She felt that by reading it she would be contributing to her pupils' already vast store of put-downs. Her 11-year-old daughter offered a solution. "Just don't read the word 'bum,'" she counseled. "Say 'butthead.'" Larry Heywood in Reader's Digest [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/7/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "Could you give a penny to the Lord," said the young Salvation Army miss to the old Scotty while the band played its hymns. "How old are ye, lassie?" asked Scotty. "Why, I'm only eighteen. Why?" "Well,' countered Scotty, "I'm eighty and I'll most likely be seeing the Lord before you, so I'll give it to him then!" [ UGA Humor ] -=========================================- Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "uh oh." [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/10/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Location: Middle Of Nowhere Bad: Middle Of Nowhere - long walk ahead. Good: Middle Of Nowhere - same distance in every direction. Better: Can't get lost. Hey, why is there suddenly an anvil-shaped shadow on the grou*GRUNCH* (^&^#@*%)^$%@!NO CARRIER "I am not suffering from insanity, I am enjoying every single minute of it!" --Unknown [ various ] -=========================================- [ed: edited for length] YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF... The only jokes you receive are through e-mail Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance You have more friends on the Internet than in real life You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married You know what http:// actually stands for You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys You see a good design and still have to change it You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is Your laptop computer costs more than your car Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium You've already calculated how much you make per second You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio [ Oracle Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/12/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?” The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.” “I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.” The general said, “Drive on!” The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.” The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!” The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?” [ Joke Mailer ] -=========================================- A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here on your swing." [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/14/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." --Thomas Edison "Reagan doesn't have the presidential look." - A United Artists honcho rejecting the idea of Ronald Reagan playing the President in the studio's 1964 film, The Best Man. "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married." - The director of a modeling agency breaking the bad news to Marilyn Monroe in 1944. [ various ] -=========================================- A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." [ Oracle Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/16/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation... Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet -- Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon. *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?* Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...? Geordi: Yes, sir, we can. Picard: Then make it so! THE END [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/17/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that." [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" -Isaac Asimov "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck "This, children, is a high velocity railgun... and this is twenty-five pounds of kosher salami." - Zack Weinberg [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/18/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: This was written by "Rik" Barker in his diary on Monochrome bbs [www.mono.org]. Original to him, and submitted with permission. ----- Alright, so it's hardly a current edit anymore, but I've been busy. A few days ago, 2 (and you'll excuse me if I use the technical term) fuck-off-big ships crashed into each other in the middle of the channel. In fact, these 2 absolutely-stonkingly-large-how-can-you-not-notice-them vessels impacted in the M25 of the ocean world. The point at which all aquatic drivers expect traffic. The thing about boats these days is that in addition to employing at least 3 liferafts full of observers, they also have a pretty impressive array of radar equipment. So, a couple of ships as tall as several stacked houses, festooned with radar equipment, awash with lookouts, crash in the middle of a flat ocean. (Let's face it, you can say a lot of things about oceans, but hilly isn't one of them). As far as I can tell, this must have been either a particularly bizarre game of chicken, or insurance fraud of the highest calibre. If it was a game of chicken, then the captains will have started playing some 50 miles apart planning to leave it until the "very last mile" before swerving. If (as I suspect) it was insurance fraud, then the respective captains are in for a bit of a shock. Clearly they've never heard of Jasper Carrott and his amusing anecdotes taken straight from accident claim forms. I can't wait to see how the insurance forms get filled out for this one: "Describe in your own words, the events leading up to the incident:" "I swerved to avoid an oncoming mackerel when the accident occurred" "We approached the junction and threw out our anchor. Even though I flashed my lights, the approaching ship remained on the wrong side of the sea, and hit me" "While negotiating a particularly tricky set of waves, we became entangled with other shipping. The waves were not there yesterday". "I realised something was wrong with his steering when we were 20 miles out, I attempted to swerve out of the way, but by then it was too late to avoid the impact that resulted 45 minutes later". "The other vessel attempted to overtake on the blind side of a wave". I'm particularly keen to see the little drawing that has to be done at the bottom of the page. [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- On May 8, 1902, with less than a minute's warning, the eruption of the Mt. Pelee volcano killed 30,000 people in St. Pierre on the Caribbean island of Martinique. Only two people survived one of history's greatest disasters: a shoemaker on the periphery of the fire and Auguste Ciparis, who was imprisoned underground in a cell in which the only opening faced away from the killer mountain. Although Ciparis was burned, his cell served as a crude storm cellar from which he was later pulled by rescuers. His story was so strange and compelling that afterward he became an attraction with the Barnum and Bailey Circus. [ Trivia Mailer ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/20/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1... The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition ----------------------------------------------- INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down. Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! Darth Vader: No... I am your father! Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible. Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true... Luke: NO! Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? Luke: Threepio? Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old... Luke: No... Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp... Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star! Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship! Luke: Well, it's not my fault... Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!" Luke: Shut up... Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights! Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby! Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it. Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine... Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him. Darth Vader: Get a haircut! [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- No matter how strange things get, there is always solace in knowing that there is only one San Francisco. City officials were urged last week to adopt the term "pet guardian'' instead of "pet owner" as part of the emancipation of animals from their human overlords. Veterinarian Elliot Katz, speaking before the city's Commission of Animal Control and Welfare, specifically compared the term change to the struggle to end human slavery as well as the women's suffrage movement. "The idea of women 'ownership' and black 'ownership' and pet 'ownership.' There's continuity here. Now is the time to get rid of this concept of 'pet ownership,' '' Katz said. Katz was silent on when animals would get the right to vote and hold elective office. But the fact that city officials didn't laugh Katz out of the room suggests animals might be an improvement. [ JOTD ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/29/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: Edited for length] THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs." "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!" "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'" [ JokeR'Us ] -=========================================- ~ On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. "When the enemy's in range, so are you." -- Murphy's Laws of Combat "The meek shall inherit the earth." =~ s/m/g/; [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/5/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: In the beginning was the word ... and the word was; 'OOPS!' ... followed closely by; 'BUGGER.' ... followed a short while later by the term; 'OH, SOD IT.' This, I think, explains a lot about God, and even more about Earth than anything I've ever read or heard. [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- I'm a gamer who doesn't get much of a chance to game these days. I was at Origins '99 recently (it's a huge gaming convention), and was wandering around, looking to see what everyone else was playing. I came into a room where a large wargame was in progress. Two of the players were involved in an argument about the rules. One was a man in his mid-thirties, and the other was a teenager. Things began to get a bit heated, when the 30-something said: "Hey! Don't mess with me! I work at the Post Office! Get it? THE POST OFFICE!!" To which the teenager calmly replied: "So what? I'm in High School." [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/9/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The person I heard this from ("Al" in the story) swears that it really happened.(And no, I'm not this "Mark" - you should be able to figure out why I chose those names. :) Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous. MARK: OhshitwhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding. What'd I do what'd I do? He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window. COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there? MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it! I just didn't see it! Really! COP: I'll need to see your driver's license. Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail. After ten or fifteen minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer's eye. AL: You don't need to see his identification. COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification. AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for. COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for. AL: He may go on about his business. COP: You may go on about your business. AL: Move along. COP: Move along. At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away. Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive. [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me." --Dave Barry "Things should be made as simple as possible -- no simpler." --Albert Einstein "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." --unknown [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/12/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The reason: scientists have discovered beer in space. Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category). Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm). Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar system; there's enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this in terms of American beer (which the British, with some justification, regard as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just about doubles. In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion years. You'd STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo Bills fans. The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. It's not a compound that is going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can lead to speculation: What is this cloud? 1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've had a hard week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in God's image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of the first, best Miller Time. 2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of beer on the wall!") 3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however: it's reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a nebula of alcohol, they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them. The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As the star heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star and heat up, the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form. And there you have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say, "My God! It's full of booze!" Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET there! Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud (which, by the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to work up a powerful thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead. No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when men can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine what they will do when they get there: Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT? Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir. Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones? Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits! Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, we'll be too drunk to drive! Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race of designated drivers. Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I will be out on the hull. With our mouths... open! To boldly drink what no man has drunk before. [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/16/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." [ Joke R Us ] -=========================================- [ed: edited for length ] PRODUCTS WE PROBABLY DON'T NEED Electric Shocking Pager Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful reminders strapped to their bodies. This unbreakable device will deliver a painful electric shock to notify them of all pending appointments and approaching deadlines. Not legal for use on livestock. The Enchanted Chalkboard Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite tunes on this four album collection. Every hair on your body will stand on end during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River. Be moved to tears by his masterful two-handed interpretation of Chariots of Fire. Perfect for the office! Stress Enhancement Tapes Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with sounds of ocean waves and forest breezes; pop in these jarring cassettes and keep your edge! Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley cars, multi vehicle highway accidents, and low-flying jets assaults your ears on the Urban Rhythms tape. Thrill to the sounds of screeching howler monkeys defending their territory on Shrieks of Nature! Forty-seven tapes in all. Hurry! Supplies are limited. [ Joke Mailer ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/1/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: To Whom It May Concern: The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn. Thank You. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- >OK, Class. Write a story based on the information given: > >Quantum Disks, RAID, statistical improbibility, failure and three. > >Extra credit for using the words: "down, not across" "fsck" and >"no, I swear I didn't drop it when I moved it." Quantum Disks. Now there's a neat idea. You don't know what the data is until you look at it, it exists in all states at the same time. Statistical improbability. Yes, that would be appropriate for quantum disks. Imagine running fsck on a quantum disk. You verify that the data is there, and in the process change it. Down, not across. Up, Top, Bottom, Charmed and Strange, but never across. I didn't drop it, it tunneled to the floor. [ alt.sysadmin.recovery ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/7/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?" "You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here) "I can hear." "How fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down." THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?" The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense." "What?" The cop looks confused. "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense." The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street." The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it. [ Joke R Us ] -=========================================- I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are... but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so I pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss yesterday in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song 'Hokey Pokey' died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and...... Well, you know the rest. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/29/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place." Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything." [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] -=========================================- On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" [ rec.humor.funny.reruns ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/2/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Silicon Valley startup Google.com says its search engine is based on a patent-pending technology that "performs an objective measurement of the importance of Web pages and is calculated by solving an equation of 500 million variables and more than 2 billion terms." How, then, to explain this: A reader's search for the phrase "more evil than Satan himself" returned Microsoft's home page as the first result. [From PC Week's Spencer Katt] [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- Dark Ages Tale -------------- Two knights are riding through a forest in medieval England when they come upon a peasant gathering sticks. "Lo there, yon farmer!" exclaims one of the knights, "Why dost thou labor in this forest at so late an hour? There be hostile beasts and men of military about." "I beg thy forgiveness my lords," replies the peasant, "but my hearth fire did burn to nothing of late, and my animals are bleating with discomfort." "Very well," responds the knight, "then go thee about your task with haste." The knight then lowers his voice and leans closer to the peasant. "But I pray thee, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin." "My apologies lords, but no. This night I hath seen no one in the forest save thee." The knights thank the peasant and continue on their way. Only a short while later they come upon a milk maid leading a cow along their path. "Halt there, woman! This is not the time for the movement of cattle!" exclaims one of the knights. "Hostile beasts and men of military move in this forest during the night." "Forgive me sire," responds the maid, "but the young son of my mistress is ill and requires nutrition. All of there cattle are bare, and she did ask that I bring to her a replacement post haste." "Very well," responds the knight, "bring her the cow but be thee fleet." He then leans closer to the maid and lowers his voice. "But I pray thee, ponder deeply and then reply, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin." "No sire," replies the maid, "this unsavory character I have not seen. I would remember such an image." The knights thank the maid and continue on their way. A short while later one of the knights lifts his visor and turns to the other, "Where the hell is Steve?" [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/5/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Our staff have this habit of firing each other. Exclamations of, "well, you're fired then!" and "no, you're fired!" get fired across the office kinda regularly. It's weird. :) - from alt.sysadmin.recovery "It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much." --Yogi Berra "Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work." - Thomas Edison [ various ] -=========================================- Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it" Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Wow! That's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him! [ Jokes R Us ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 7/12/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A 43-year-old Norwegian man was kidnapped, threatened with a gun, handcuffed and forced into a car's trunk near his home in Oslo by a group of masked men. The kidnappers left the car with the man locked in the trunk on a secluded forest road Thursday morning, leaving to send the ransom note. Unfortunately for the kidnappers they forgot to take his cell phone from him before they put him in the trunk. The man called police who rescued him a short time later. [ Jokes R Us ] -=========================================- "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work." - Thomas Edison "The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." --Lucille S. Harper "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." --Carl Sagan [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/8/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: 2/2/2000 will be the first time since 8/28/888 that all the digits in the date are even. That is a span of 1111 years + 127 days. 11/19/1999 is the last time until 1/1/3111 that all the digits in the date are odd. That is a span of 1111 years + 43 days. Friday was the last totally odd date in our lifetimes. Submitted by: J.M. LaPedis @ dukester.com [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact." --George Eliot "Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness." --Henry Gibson "A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it." --Max Planck Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/9/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Paraphrased from a discussion overheard on German Usenet in group "de.rec.modelle.bahn": A: "You can do wonderful things in software if you get rid of the assumption that Windows == Shit." B: "But likewise you could do wonderful things in hardware if you got rid of the assumption that Gravity == 9.81 metres per second squared." C: "But that's an invalid comparison. You can get rid of the gravity problem quite easily by a change of location -- but do you think Windows would get any better if you shot it to the moon?" [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- Frederick often interviewed soldiers in his army and always asked the same three questions. "How old are you?", "How long have you been in my service?" and "Do you like the pay and conditions?". One French recruit did not speak German so he was taught the answers. Frederick picked this recruit and, for the first time ever, varied the order of the questions. "How long have you been in my service?" "Twenty-one years." "How old are you then?" "One year." "You or I must be mad." "Both, I think, Your Majesty." [This is reworded from a report in Invincible Generals by Philip J. Haythornthwaite, ISBN 1-85314-105-4. Frederick's first language was French so I suppose it got sorted out.] [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/11/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare. If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys. [Heard at a Linux Users of Victoria meeting] [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- One day, after watching one of the Star Wars films, I was musing out loud about the Death Star, and whether it had facilities like toilets or washing machines. Then I posed the following question to my family: If Darth Vader sends his robes to the Death Star laundry, would that be considered The Dark Load of the Sith? My wife hit me. [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/13/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Several months ago I went on a business trip to the enormous Boeing factory in Redmond, WA, where I was able to crawl on and around several 747s, 767s, and 777s airliners in various stages of assembly. I noticed that the engines aren't attached until the rest of the plane is pretty much assembled. To keep the airplanes from tipping while workcrews are in the fuselage, enormous weights are hung from chains on the wings, dangling above the floor like bizarre Christmas ornaments. Each weight is a solid slab of steel the size of golf cart and is painted with florescent, reflective yellow paint. Most interesting is the boldface label stenciled on each side of the weight: "7,800 LBS. REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT". [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- My uncle Jerry just told us his latest response when they call to get him to switch long distance services. He says "I don't have a phone." They usually say "Oh. I'm sorry." and hang up. [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/19/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: "As beleaguered U.S. scientists made one last attempt on Tuesday to contact their wayward $165 million craft, cyberpranksters were putting it up for sale on the eBay Internet auction site for a fire sale price of $1 million. "About a billion miles on it still doing fine. Paint has faded somewhat due to Mars atmosphere entry otherwise OK. Probably could buff out. Must pick up on Mars yourself! Final price must be agreed upon by NASA."" [ www.geeknews.com ] -=========================================- The number 42 Elvis Presley died at 42. The angle at which lights reflects off water to create a rainbow is 42 degrees. The city of Jerusalem covers an area of 42 square miles. The Torah (the holy book of Judaism) is broken into columns each of which always has exactly 42 lines. Fox Mulder (the X-files) liven in apartment number 42. There are 42 decks on the Enterprise NCC1701-D (The Next Generation ship) Bill Clinton is the 42nd U.S. President. A Wonderbra consists of 42 individual parts. There are 42 Oreo cookies in a 1 pound package. "The beast was given a mouth uttering proud boasts and blasphemies, and it was given authority to act for 42 months.-Revelation 13:5 In Romeo and Juliet - Juliet sleeps for 42 hours. The right arm of the Statue of Liberty is 42 feet long. The number of dots on a pair of dice - 42. Dogs have a total of 42 teeth over their lifetimes. The world record jump by a kangaroo is 42 feet. There were 42 generations from Abraham to Jesus Christ. The natural vibration frequency of human DNA: 42. [ Jokes R Us ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/20/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Tennessee was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!" [ Oracle Humor ] -=========================================- "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." -Picasso Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. --David Letterman We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler [ various ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/21/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" [ Jokes R Us ] -=========================================- Many people claim that in the near future, we'll stop buying books on old fashioned paper, and instead get them on machine readable media, like software. I can hardly wait: >Dear Reader, >Enclosed is a CRITICAL UPDATE to your book "Death at Pickle Packer >Point". This updates your book to version 1.023. > >Nature of problem: In Chapter 3, when Edna calls the police she refers >to the strange tattos on the corpse's body. But in Chapter 27, with the >family gathered in the Winnebago, nobody present knows that the late Mr. >Sneed belonged to the Cult of Twisting Fish. > >Workaround: Kill off Edna in Chapter 24 rather than 30. She had it >coming. > >Thank you for your support of BitTwiddler Publishing. [ rec.humor.funny ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/22/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: some Mars Lander one-liners] "Martians 2 - NASA 0." The loss of three space craft to Mars (one due to metric error) worth well over a billion dollars, kind puts a whole new spin on the cliche "it doesn't take a rocket scientist... " Made Windows 2000 project look pretty good, wouldn't you say... [ rec.humor.funny ] -=========================================- TASTE FOR DEATH II: Thomas Provenzano was convicted in the murder of a courtroom bailiff in Orlando, Fla., 15 years ago and sentenced to death. But his execution was delayed after Provenzano proclaimed that he is Jesus Christ, indicating possible mental illness -- or a clever ploy to postpone his death. State Rep. Howard Futch is angry about the delay. "Doesn't he think he's Jesus Christ or something?" Futch asked his colleagues. "Why don't we just crucify him? I'd make him a cross and we could take it out there to [death row] and nail him up." (Reuters) ...Suddenly it becomes clearer where Floridians get their idea of "taste" when it comes to executions. ANCIENT HISTORY: Oedipus, the mythological Greek figure known for killing his father and marrying his mother, should probably be known for something more common, argues Robert Allen, editor of "Pocket Fowler's Modern English Usage": road rage. That's right, he says, road rage is not a modern phenomenon. "It it actually dates back to the second millennium BC," Allen asserts, when "Oedipus killed his father at a crossroads when they got in each other's way." Authorities say "road rage" has led to an increase in vehicular violence and crashes. (Reuters) ...Which will in future be known as Oedipus Wrecks. MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT: Frances and Harold Mountain divorced four months ago, but couldn't agree on how to split their Beanie Baby collection, valued at up to $5,000. Exasperated Las Vegas, Nev., Family Court Judge Gerald Hardcastle ordered that all the stuffed toys be brought into the courtroom, and then watched as Frances, then Harold, took turns choosing one of the Beanies at a time. "It's ridiculous and embarrassing," Francis said before diving straight for "Maple the Bear" as her first pick. (AP) ...The judge also granted her request to go back to her maiden name, Molehill. MOOVE ALONG: So many motorists were concerned that a cow walking in knee- deep water in a flooded field was stuck that it caused a traffic jam near De Bary, Fla. To get traffic moving again -- and to stop 911 calls to the Highway Patrol about a "drowning" cow -- highway workers set up an electronic sign to flash the message "The Cow is OK" to passing cars. But two days later, the sign was still there, causing a traffic jam as motorists looked for the cow, which had long since walked away. (Reuters) ...These are the same drivers, of course, who would never stop to help an injured person. DEFROST CYCLE: The U.S. Congress has taken the first step to preserve a Minuteman nuclear missile silo in South Dakota and turn it into a Cold War museum. The Minuteman "was America's first push-button nuclear missile," says South Dakota Sen. Tim Johnson, who sponsored legislation to spend $5 million to preserve silos at Ellsworth Air Force Base. "When the wing was deactivated, something was missing on the high plains of western South Dakota," agrees Rep. John Thune of the same state, adding that under one missile's concrete door, which resembles a pizza box, "someone wrote, 'Worldwide delivery in 30 minutes or less or your next one is free.' Dark humor, I know, but it was a reality." (AP) ...Opening soon: The Museum of Geopolitical Insanity. [ THIS IS TRUE - various dates ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/23/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Top 14 things you don't want to hear from IS tech support -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 14) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" 13) "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." 12) "That's no bug--it's a feature!" 11) "So -- what are you wearing?" 10) "Every time I tried to fix that, I couldn't get the leg bone out without the buzzer going off." 9) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 8) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n." 7) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 6) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery." 5) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." 4) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." 3) "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" 2) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support... 1) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney." [ Mark Moshe Kays ] -=========================================- Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". The third guy tees off and slices into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack Of Fucking Talent" [ laugh-your-ass-off ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/25/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: From the Dallas Morning News: A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury. [ laugh-your-ass-off ] -=========================================- A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did." "Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning. From my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill." [ SCOC Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/26/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: BACKYARD PALEOANTHROPOLOGY [This is, supposedly, a real letter that was sent out by the Smithsonian. Apparently, a Smithsonian employee took a copy of it home to show to her husband and he put a copy of it on the internet.] Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This later finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities [ SCOC Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/28/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead. [RFC1925 - section 2, subsection 3] When all you have is a Swiss Army Knife, every problem looks like email. - Peter da Silva in ASR If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams [ various ] -=========================================- While waiting for a prescription, I overheard the pharmacist give instructions to a man at the counter. "Take one capsule twice a day with plenty of water," she said. "This medication can make your skin sensitive, so try to avoid exposure to the sun." He gave her a quizzical look and said, "You're new here in Washington, aren't you?" [ G Joke Mailer ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/30/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: This will probably be the last post for the millenium. Hm... Actually, this will be the last post in the year-before-last of the millenium. Oh, well... ;-] Rear Deeders, how your beds. Let us salute the eponymous master of the verbal somersault, the Rev. William Archibald Spooner. He left us all a legacy of laughter. He also gave the dictionary a new entry: SPOONERISM. The very word brings a smile. It refers to the linguistic flip-flops that turn "a well-oiled bicycle" into "a well-boiled icicle" and other ludicrous ways speakers of English get their mix all talked up. English is a fertile soil for spoonerisms, as author and lecturer Richard Lederer points out, because our language has more than three times as many words as any other--616,500 and growing at 450 a year. Consequently, there's a greater chance that any accidental transposition of letters or syllables will produce rhyming substitutes that still make sense--sort of. "Spooner," says Lederer, "gave us tinglish errors and English terrors at the same time." Born in 1844 in London, Spooner became an Angelican priest and a scholar. During a 60-year association with Oxford University, he lectured in history, philosophy, and divinity. from 1876 to 1889, he served as a dean, and from 1903 to 1924 as warden, or president. Spooner was an albino, small, with a pink face, poor eyesight, and a head too large for his body. His reputation was that of a genial, kindly, hospitable man. He seems also to have been somewhat of an absent-minded professor. He once invited a faculty member to tea "to welcome our new archeology Fellow." "But, sir," the man replied, "I AM our new archeology Fellow." "Never mind," Spooner said, "Come all the same." After a Sunday service he turned back to the pulpit and informed his student audience: "In the sermon I have just preached, whenever I said Aristotle, I meant St. Paul." But Spooner was no featherbrain. In fact his mind was so nimble his tongue couldn't keep up. The Greeks had a word for this type of impediment long before Spooner was born: METATHESIS. It means the act of switching things around. Reverend Spooner's tendency to get words and sounds crossed up could happen at any time, but especially when he was agitated. He reprimanded one student for "fighting a liar in the quadrangle" and another who "hissed my mystery lecture." To the latter he added in disgust, "You have tasted two worms." Patriotic fervor excited Spooner as well. He raised his toast to Her Highness Victoria: "Three cheers for our queer old dean!" During WWI he reassured his students, "When our boys come home from France, we will have the hags flung out." and he lionized Britian's farmers as "noble tons of soil." His goofs at chapel were legendary. "Our Lord is a shoving leopard," he once intoned. He quoted I Corinthians 13:12 as, "For now we see through a dark, glassly..." Officiating at a wedding, he prompted a hesitant bridegroom, "Son, it is now kisstomary to cuss the bride." And to a stranger seated in the wrong place: "I believe you're occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?" Did Spooner really say, "Which of us has not felt in his heart a half-warmed fish?" he certainly could have--he was trying to say half-formed wish. Lederer offers these other authentic spoonerisms: At a naval review Spooner marveled at "this vast display of cattle ships and bruisers." To a school official's secretary: "Is the bean dizzy?" Visiting a friend's country cottage: "You have a nosey little crook here." Two years before his death in 1930 at age 86, Spooner told an interviewer he could recall only one of his trademark fluffs. It was one he made announcing the hymn "Kinkering Congs Their Titles Take," meaning to say "Conquering Kings." So if you have made a verbal slip, rest easy. Many have. Radio announcer Harry Von Zell once introduced the president as Hoobert Heever. And Lowell Thomas presented British minister Sir Stafford Cripps and Sir Stifford Craps. Thanks to Reverend Spooner's style-setting sommersaults, our owm little tips of the slung will not be looked upon as the embarrassing babblings of a nitwit, but rather the whimsical lapses of a nimble brain. So let us applaud that gentle man who lent his tame to the nerm. May sod rest his goal. (From Reader's Digest Feb 95) [ UGA Humor ] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/31/1999 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: oops.] A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year. Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it." But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks. "I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a tree lot." "Then why did you bring an axe?" "Because I didn't want to pay." [ Joke Of The Day ] -=========================================- The other night an old friend and I were talking about the great (and slightly less than great) cars of the 50s and 60s--which reminded us of how we used to speculate on the merger of car companies. Our favorite was if the Valiant and Comet ever merged they'd have to call it the Vomit. We figured it'd probably come in 12 puky colors with a throw-up top. [ UGA Humor ]