From: Sarah Craimer To: Shalom Craimer Subject: funny Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1996 19:39:00 +0200 * What is spoo? Spoo....is. (Spoo is also Oops spelled backward.) * Spoo is/are (the plural of spoo is spoo) small, white, pasty, mealy critters, rather worm-like, and generally regarded as the ugliest animals in the known galaxy by just about every sentient species capable of starflight, with the possible exception of the pak'ma'ra, who would simply recommend a more rigorous program of exercise. They are also generally considered the most delicious food in all of known space, regardless of the individual's biology, almost regardless of species, except for the pak'ma'ra, who like the flavor but generally won't say so simply to be contrary. Spoo are raised on ranches on worlds with a damp, moist, somewhat chilly climate so that their skin can acquire just the right shade of paleness. Spoo travel in herds, if moving a total of six inches in any given direction in the course of a given year can actually be considered moving. They stay in herds ostensibly for mutual protection, but the reality is that if they weren't propped up against one another, most of them would simply fall down. They do not howl, bark, moo, purr, yap, squeak or speak. Mainly, they sigh. Herds of sighing spoo can reportedly induce unparalleled bouts of depression, which is why most spoo ranchers wear earmuffs even when it's only mildly cold, damp, wet and dreary outside. If there is any life-or-death struggle for dominance within the spoo herd, it has not yet been detected by modern science. Spoo ranching is one of the least regarded professions known. Little or no skill is required, once you've got a planet with the right climate. You bring in two hundred spoo, plop them down in the middle of your ranch, and go back to the nearby house. Soon you've got more. When it comes time to cull out the ones ready for market (the softest, mealiest, palest, most forlorn-looking spoo of the pack), little physical effort is required since they're incapable of rapid movement without falling over (see above). They do not resist, fight, or whine; they only sigh more loudly. When spoo harvest time comes, the air is full of the sound of whacking and sighing, whacking and sighing. Even an experienced spoo rancher can only harvest for brief periods of a time, due to the increased volume of sighing, which even the sound of whacking cannot altogether erase. (also see above) Some have simply gone mad. Spoo are the only creatures of which the Interstellar Animal Rights Protection League says, simply, ""Kill 'em."" Fresh spoo (served at an optimum temperature of 62-degrees) is served in cubed sections, so that they bear as little resemblence as possible to the animal from which they have just been sliced. Spoo is usually served alongside a chablis, or a white zinfandel. Further information on the care, feeding, eating and whacking of spoo can be found in the second edition of the Interstellar Guide to Fine Dining. * Re: your desire to make and eat spoo at home...depends on whether or not you ever want to have children later.... To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM, at the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news crews. In the local paper the next day, there was a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that read: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!" ================= W. Bruce Cameron sends his latest column. (You can get all of his columns sent to you by sending a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.) *Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997* My father is one of those men who relates his life story in such a fashion as to be long on instruction and short on accuracy. The impression he imparts is of a boyhood where every action was a struggle against hopeless odds, and his daily walk to the school bus involved countless miles, plus a fight to the death with some animal encountered along the way, like a wolverine or a killer whale. The reason I myself am so lacking in character can clearly be traced to the deficiency of significant life-threatening challenge when I was a small child, though I would have thought my mother's tuna noodle casserole would have qualified. His infuriatingly revisionist memory once led us all into an episode my siblings and I refer to as "the year of the soup," though actually I think it only lasted four days. Here's what happened: my mother, who was at that point experimenting heavily with meals which employed nothing but can openers, made the mistake of setting a bowl of what we kids quickly labeled "Campbell's thick and pukey soup" in front of the man. This triggered in my father what drug abusers commonly refer to as a "flashback," signaled to the rest of us by a sudden wild look in his eyes. Fearing the imminent delivery of a character-building lecture, (a "falseback"), my sisters and I made to bolt from the table, but he froze us in place with the most terrifying words a father can utter to his children: "When I was a boy..." When my father was a boy, he went on to claim, his mother would concoct the most delicious of soups during the winter by use of an iron kettle, the fire place, and a potpourri of vegetables and table scraps. "It would boil for days, and the house would fill with the aroma!" My father thundered at us, daring us to call him a liar. "It was delicious!" My mother took this to mean that my father considered her own cooking to be somewhat short of the delicious mark, something we kids had been asserting for years. She told him that if he wanted to prepare his own blessed dinners from now on that was fine with her, but she was darned if she was going to slave over a hot stove all day if this was the kind of thanks she was going to get. She may not have actually said "blessed" and "darned." The children were alarmed. Not at the historical inaccuracy--the only way it took her all day to slave over that soup was if she opened the can by chewing on it--but at the idea that my father might be allowed to try to recreate this insane fire place recipe. The kids, we were convinced, would be asked to actually eat the stuff, something which was sure to be impossible. Normally my father would retreat in the face of my mother's anger. His own cooking was limited to the grill, where he would subject ground beef to flaming incineration in order to produce what he called hamburgers and his children dubbed "fireballs." Alas, at this point he was so delusional that he leaped up and proclaimed that the soup would "begin at once." For the next three days the fireplace roared with culinary enthusiasm (it was July.) An iron kettle swung from a hook over the flames, its contents boiling and sending out a stench which made the whole house smell like Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment. True to his word, my father tossed anything he came across into the pot. "Chicken bones, excellent!" He triumphed. "Green beans, mushrooms, superb! Pot roast, fried eggs, captain crunch, cough syrup, cigarette butts, car mufflers, shrubs, hernias, tax forms--fantastic!" Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little, but you get the point here. When his creation was deemed ready he served it up in depressingly large bowls--no way we were going to be able to feed all this to the dog. "I'm not hungry," my sister claimed, eyeing her serving. "I've got an appendicitis," I hurriedly added. "I'm converting to a religion which won't let me eat sewage," my other sister declared, impressing us with originality. My father would not hear our excuses, and so, reluctantly, we each raised our spoons. It tasted exactly like what it was, which is to say, boiled garbage. "I am going to spew vomit," announced my sister, the one with the new religion. "Pretty good, Dad," I countered, trying a different tack. I had managed to allow no more than a single molecule of his soup past my lips and now held my spoon in my lap, shoving the stewed pollution frantically toward the dog, who was sniffing at it suspiciously. When it realized my treacherous intent, it drew its lips back in a snarl. My other sister appeared to have lost the gift of speech. And then a miracle happened, a character forming incident even more educational than wrestling carnivores. With an odd expression, my father set his spoon down and faced his wife, who was regarding him with an arch look. "This soup," he declared slowly, the rest of us listening attentively, "tastes... even worse than my mother's." To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: HOW COLD IS IT? An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit) +50 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Minnesotans plant gardens +40 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans sunbathe +35 * Italian cars don't start +32 * Distilled water freezes +30 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * Minnesotans eat ice cream +25 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you +20 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts +15 * You plan a vacation to Cancun * Minnesotans go swimming +10 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You need jumper cables to get the car going 0 * New York landlords turn on the heat -5 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii -10 * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate -15 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Miamians cease to exist * Minnesotans lick flagpoles -20 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens -25 * Too cold to kiss * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * Japanese cars don't start * Minnesota Twins head for spring training -30 * You plan a two-week hot bath * Bock beer production begins * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof -38 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Minnesotans button top button -40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Minnesotans put on sweaters -50 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * Green Bay Packers practice indoors -60 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start -70 * Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets * Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI -80 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -90 * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles * Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer -100 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Minnesotans pull down earflaps -173 * Ethyl alcohol freezes -445 * Superconductivity -452 * Helium becomes a liquid -454 * Hell freezes over -456 * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90 -458 * Incumbent politician renounces campaign contribution -460 (Absolute Zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy -=================- There was two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return her letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didnt take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did is this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone. "Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents. -=================- The Dilbert Zone's (Stupidest) List Of The Day: http://umweb2.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lotd/bin/archive_ret.cgi Many people submit some funny - but TRUE - stuff! [A Person wasn't allowed to have a turtle in his office because "they run around and disturb employees" Boss says: "I don't get it. Bob's cordless phone works. I pulled the cord off mine and I can't get a dial tone."] -=================- Two blondes are walking through the woods and come upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them. -=================- In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth." The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before... At this point God created Hell. To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!" -=================- SAVE THE PENNIES: A private investigator has advised the U.S. Senate Subcommittee on Technology, Terrorism and Government Information of a major terrorist threat facing the country: cents-off supermarket coupons. "To terror organizations hiding in our communities, the coupon inserts mean financing, here and abroad," claims Ben Jacobson. He says that terror groups are clipping coupons from newspapers and fraudulently redeeming them to help finance terrorist operations, and it's imperative for the country to toughen coupon fraud laws. (UPI) ...Help fight terrorism: pledge to pay only full price for Cap'n Crunch. SHORTCUT: A northern California company says addresses on the Internet are too long, too complex, and too hard to remember and type. So the company, centraal, has released a new product that allows a lengthy "URL", such as http://www.thisistrue.com/books.html, to be replaced with simple key words. Their demonstration: replacing a lengthy address for a Walt Disney web page with the keyword "Bambi". But when reporters and customers tried the example keyword, they were not shown a doe-eyed cartoon deer, but doe-eyed live dears on a pornographic site. "THIS AIN'T DISNEY, BOYS!" complained one irate user. "I think I might not use the Bambi example anymore," sheepish company president Keith Teare told reporters. (Reuters) ...That's nothing: you should see "Thumper". -=================- A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him, the man was shocked that he wasn't hit by the brick, the man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man asked the voice, "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered, "Oh yeah?! And where the heck were you when I got married?" -=================- An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." -=================- Near the town of Raymondville, in the Rio Grande valley of Texas, a fugitive barricaded himself in a small house and threatened to shoot anyone who came near the place. The local Sheriff called in a Texas Ranger. In the gun battle which followed, the fugitive was shot and killed. The local Justice of the Peace, acting as the coroner, returned the verdict: "Suicide. Subject failed to co-operate with a Texas Ranger." and... --------- At a convention of oil men, the speaker from Texas called the neighboring state of Oklahoma an "Outlying province of Texas". The next speaker, an Oklahoman, started off his talk with, "First of all, there ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Hey, it's been a few very HOT days, I just hope this helps cool you off... ) ( ( ( ( ) () @@ ) (( ( ( ( )( @@ ( )) ) ( ( ( ( ()( /---\ (()( ( _______ ) ) )(@ !O O! )@@ ( ) ) ) < ____) ) ( ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( ) /--| |( o| ( ) ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() ( | > \___| ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( ) | /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@( . | | \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ . . | \ \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @ . | \ \----+--\-))) @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. . | |\______|_)))/ . @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . . \__========== * . @@ /MM /\O O/\ MM\ @@@@@@@. . | |-\ \ ( . @ !!! !! \-/ !! !!! @@@@@ . | | \ \ ) . . @@@@ !! !! .(. @. .. . | | \ \ ( / .( . \)). ( |O )( O! @@@@ . ) . | | / / ) ( )). (( .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. . . | | / / () )) )) .( ( ( ) ). ( !! )( !! ) (( )) .. | |_< / ( ) ( ( ) ) (( ) )).) ((/ | ( | \( )) ((. ). ____<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_ -===============- THE PROBLEM Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative. THE SOLUTION Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof. 1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you." 2. To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." 5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment." 6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials: "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly." -===============- Jesus Christ is walking around the streets of Bethlehem one day when he notices a mob that appears to be on the verge of violence. He walks up to the nearest mob member and asks what's going on. The mob member replies that the woman at the front of the crowd has committed adultry and must be stoned to death. Well, naturally Jesus can't stand still and allow this to happen. He runs up the the front of the crowd and shouts "WAIT!" Everyone stopped and looked at him expectantly. He continued "Let the person among you who had never committed a sin throw the first stone." As the crowd stood there pondering this, a woman came screaming out of the crowd, slammed an enormous boulder down on the adultress and kills her instantly. Jesus looked at this woman for a long moment before saying "God dammit Mom, sometimes you really piss me off." -===============- Camping Alert In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it. -===============- -===============-To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't right know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." -================- Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??" -================- A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!" -================- A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws of nature." "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And I got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge. "And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' ....So I stabbed him." -================- While hunting has become a popular sport in many countries, laws have to be developed to both keep the populations in balance as well as to allow for a fair fight. New Rules and Regulations also have to be legislated whenever new species become the object of the hunt. With this is mind comes new regulations. ******************************** NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS US Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200 1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it. 9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin. 10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season) 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster 3 (Female only) 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 6. Honest Attorney On the Endangered Species List (Illegal to hunt) 7. Cut-throat 2 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTYTo: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?" -================- The was farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign,it says ``Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: ``Now there are two". -================- LACK OF EVIDENCE: The jury in a Seattle, Wash., drug case is suspected of stealing $1,041 in cash, part of the evidence in the case. Prosecutors gave all the evidence to the jury to take into deliberations, including the money. But when the panel returned from lunch, the cash was gone. Only the jury, the bailiff, and the court clerk had access to the room, a police detective said, adding "there is little doubt in my mind that there was someone on the jury who absconded with the money." However, he said, it's unlikely the case will be solved "unless someone wants to unburden their soul." A mistrial was declared in the case. (Seattle Times) ...It's surprising things like this don't happen more often, considering criminals are entitled to "juries of their peers". WHAT'S IN A NAME? A study by the University of California at San Diego finds that people whose initials spell out negative words don't live as long as people whose initials spell out positive words. "It's a little tiny depressant to be called PIG, or a little tiny boost to your esteem to be called ACE or WOW," says psychologist Nicholas Christenfeld. The research found 11 especially "good" sets of initials and 19 particularly "bad" ones, and showed those with better initials such as ACE or GOD lived an average of 4.48 years longer than a control group with neutral initials. Those with worse initials such as DIE or BUM died 2.8 years sooner than the control group, "the notion being that accidents aren't really accidents," Christenfeld said. "Whether deliberate or not, if you think less of yourself, you may be more likely to drive your car into a bridge abutment." (AP) ...BAD you are, ACE I be; I'll be here, while you RIP. NOW NOW NOW NOW! Nagging works. That's the conclusion of marketing researchers who found that children get what they want if they nag their parents effectively. The firm studied 150 mothers through 10,000 nagging incidents and found that nagging by children aged 3 to 8 was the reason behind 46 percent of toy purchases by their mothers, as well as 34 percent of movie theater visits and 34 percent of food purchases. While whining "I want it!" didn't work terribly well, reasoned pleadings such as "Mom, Barbie needs a dream house so she can build a family" were found to be more effective. (Reuters) ...That, and "If you don't buy me this, sympathetic juries of the future will certainly take it into consideration." -================- I have a "true" blond story for you. This really did happen... I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Carlos, and his new girlfriend, Dorthory. While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. "Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest of the time they were together and right to her face). Anyway, Bimbette said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation. I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place. She laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives". I then laughed and looked over at Carlos who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain that, "he does not exist, why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?" She looked me straight in the eye and said "that is because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is." -================- What The Colors Mean Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" -================- Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your Dad when he shows off." Ifyoucanreadthisyouarespendingtoomuchtimefiguringoutmyoneliners -================- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. [ed: huh? I think not - but I might be confusing WB with Disney] 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. Reindeer like to eat bananas. -================- One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked. "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor." "That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too." -================-To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: ONLY FROM A NEW YORKER - Submitted by Bruce Neiger --------------------------------- All my life, when the Western states (Nevada, Arizona, etc) weather was discussed, I always heard something along the lines of , 'it's hot, but it's a dry heat...' Last year in February, on vacation in Las Vegas, I commented to a lady running a gift shop that it must be unbearable in Las Vegas during August. She responded that it was hot, yes, 110 or more in the shade at it worst, but that it was a dry heat.... Another New Yorker in my group snickered and commented: "So's a blowtorch, lady". -================- THINGS TO THINK ABOUT - Submitted by Mike Whalan --------------------------------- 1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? 7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. 8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once. 9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway. 13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. 14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know. 15) Do unto others, then run..................... -================- My dog has to take these pills. She has something wrong with her gastrointestinal tract. The gastrointestinal tract of a dog represents all that I find objectionable about the species. From the teeth that chew the toes out of my shoes, the wet tongue that awakens me at 6:00 AM on a Saturday, the throat which produces frantic barking when the neighbors commit the crime of walking in their own driveway, the stomach which made room for an entire leg of lamb on Easter when I left the room for half an hour, to the production center which plops dog stools all over the back yard--I don't want her gastrointestinal tract cured, I want it REMOVED. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely fond of my dog, the only creature in the house who treats me with something other than contempt. Me: "No one is going anywhere until the garage is cleaned up!" Children: "We hate you!" Dog: Wag wag wag. The dog's current affliction made itself known to me one night with the sound of a balloon being released. I opened my eyes, half expecting to see my dog flying around the room in circles until totally deflated. Instead, I was treated to the olfactory equivalent of a hydrogen bomb-it was as if our bedroom had become the staging area for Saddam Hussein's biological warfare program. "Oh my God! Get out! Get out!" I shouted. "You always blame the dog," my wife mumbled. I assumed that what the kids soon came to refer to as the dog's "butt blasters" would pass once whatever she had eaten, roadkill or my new suit or the couch in the basement, had found its way down the alimentary canal and out onto my lawn. When, after a few days, this proved not to be the case, I took the dog to the vet and was given some pills to administer twice a day. The vet's instructions made the process of giving medicine to a dog sound pretty easy: open her mouth, pitch the tablet onto the back of her tongue, and stroke her throat until she swallows. The reality is that administering a pill to a dog is like trying to give a root canal to a great white shark. The process starts with opening the medicine bottle, which alerts the dog that the games are about to begin. She sits upright, ears cocked, lips slightly drawn back to remind me that she has relatives in Africa who are pulling down water buffalo. I approach my pet with a piece of limp bologna in my hand to disguise the existence of the capsule of anti-butt blaster medication, making friendly "I'm not going to give you a pill" sounds. She doesn't buy it. Her ears drop back flat against her skull and she slinks to the ground, eyes cold as they dart from me to couch, gauging the gap even as I maneuver to close it. "Want some bologna?" I suggest. At the sound of my voice she explodes into action, streaking across the floor. The kids lunge from the kitchen, cutting off that avenue. She brakes and swerves and I dive, rolling on the carpet. I grab fruitlessly at the air. With a click of teeth, the bologna vanishes, the pill bouncing away. A lamp crashes over as I come to a stop. The few times I have managed to grip her by the jaws and force the medicine down her throat, it has come firing back out as if shot from a pellet gun. Worse, the exertion triggers the very symptom the pills are supposed to address, so that I am caught trying to run around the room without BREATHING. The children abandon me at this point, leaving me alone with the butt blaster. When I finally am forced to inhale, my eyes tear so badly I can no longer see my adversary. Frankly, I don't think the dog WANTS to get better. This is the same animal who delights in rolling in dead squirrel parts, so that her fur is imbued with a stench is so powerful every canine in the neighborhood howls with envy. Whenever she rattles the room with a butt blaster, her eyes take on a radiant gleam, a "hey, that was my best one yet!" expression which is undiminished by the fact that the rest of her family is gagging and falling to the floor. My son claims to have an idea which will solve our problem. I'm not sure what he has in mind, but when I told him I was ready to try anything he began assembling a pile of tools which included his slingshot and a fifty foot garden hose. Now he is filling water balloons with beef bullion and talking to himself about the "end of butt blaster as we know it." The dog, watching from the corner, doesn't look very worried to me. -================- PITY THE POPE A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man". "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it". -================- After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: SCARLET LETTER: Delaware has just passed a new law requiring sex offenders to get a special mark on their driver's licenses. People convicted of sex offenses will get a "Y" designation on the front of their license upon release from prison. On the back, in the area where it shows regular driving restrictions, such as the need to wear glasses, will be a fuller explanation. (AP) ...Remember, kids: before accepting a ride from a stranger, be sure to ask to see his license first. DON'T DO IT: Now that everyone knows smoking is dangerous, the U.S. Surgeon General is turning his attention to other pressing health problems. Dr. David Satcher says a new surgeon general's report will argue that the country needs to pay more attention to suicide. "It is hard for many to believe that more people in this country die from suicide than homicide, but it is true," he proclaimed at a meeting of the American Society of Suicidology. The report is due in about a year and will include recommendations on how to improve suicide awareness. (Reuters) ...Surgeon General's Warning: Suicide may be dangerous to your health. THERE AND BACK: The road to Hell needs work. "It'll close the whole town," complains Hell Chamber of Commerce President Jim Ley. "That's where our money comes from. It'll kill us." A bridge on the main road that leads to Hell, Mich., is in bad shape and the repair crew needs three months to fix it. "It's probably going to put a couple of us out of business," one shop owner conceded. (AP) ...They shouldn't worry: the road crew's intentions are good. MAN'S BEST FRIEND: When an elderly couple saw their dog fall into a ventilation shaft, someone was there to help them. The Budapest, Hungary, couple watched as a man identified only as Jozsef P. came to their aid by lowered himself down the 20-meter shaft on a rope. The man then tied the rope to the dog so they could pull the animal to safety. The relieved couple hurried off with the dog, but didn't bother to throw the rope back down to Jozsef. A passerby heard his dwindling calls for help -- four days later. He is hospitalized in serious condition suffering from malnutrition and dehydration. (AFP) ..."Maybe the only thing worse than having to give gratitude ...is having to accept it." --William Faulkner (1897-1962), U.S. novelist. -================- ISN'T IT IRONIC - Submitted by Bob Castro ------------------------------------ The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last & best....... Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on aletter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face. -================- ADVICE FROM FORMER PRESIDENTS - Submitted by K. Wisler ------------------------------------ Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER." -================- Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy. To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: HUMOR: Shalom's List 07/1998 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Submitted By: Larry Young Your Mail You just awake... your eyes are still shut Still cant quite focus.....still draggin your butt You know you need coffee......can taste that first sip You wait for the maker.....and put the mug to your lip The feeling is warm.... just what you need But you know you need more....and it's something to read The paper you say??? no...don't think so.. not it... It's much more exciting... you can't wait to "click"... You boot up your puter.......you click that icon... Can't keep from grinning.... you're really turned on! When the voice says "Welcome"...your heart skips a beat!! You know you're addicted....all the friends that you'll meet. And then you see it.......you wait with a stare.... The mail box lights up!! "you've got mail" waiting there!! OH.. what a feeling!!.... you look with delight! You hoped you'd have mail.... and you knew you were right!! So you go thru the mail..... knowing this is the "Best".. Reading this reading that....as you go thru the rest. Some you give the "delete" key....others get your first click You know you must hurry......you gotta be quick! It is then that you hear it.... You can't wait to see Your heart gets a flutter... who's name will it be? And then there it is..... covering part of the screen The sweet little sound....Oh..you know what that means!!! "Quick mail check" you promised....you said in your mind. But you just got an IM.... and you're pressing for time! You know that you want to.... and respond you will So you stop what you're doing.. and go for the thrill! You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs... You type and send words... refilling your mug You give your good friend your attention and time So that quick little mail check... turns to hours online! -================- WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (Computers) Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ... C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways. C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side. COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times. Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing. Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.) Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do! Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket! NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross. Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice. VB Chicken: USHighways! (aChicken) Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken. Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing. Submitted by: Stan Kegel @ fea.net -================- An elephant owner who was down on his luck decided he would attempt to make some money one day. He posted a sign at the local pub that read "I will pay anyone 10,000 dollars if they can make my elephant hop on one leg" Since he knew this was impossible he charged every person 5 dollars per attempt. People came from miles around, nobody could make the elephant do it. One day a little man in a little car pulled up. He paid the elephant owner 5 dollars and proceeded to his car where he took out a baseball bat. He walked up to the elephant looked him dead in the eyes and then whacked the elephant in the balls with the bat. The elephant roared and roared and sure enough hopped on one leg. Somewhat displaced, the elephant owner had another idea. Everyone has seen an elephant nod his head, but never shake his head back and forth as to say "No". So he posted a sign in the local pub saying "I will pay anyone 200,000 dollars if they can make my elephant shake his head for 10 dollars". Again, people came from miles around but no one seemed to do it. One day, the little man in the little car appeared again, paid the owner the 10 dollars, then walked over to the elephant with his bat and whispered something in his ear. Sure enough the elephant shook his head back and forth widly to the elephant owners amazment. The owner asked the litttle man "Excuse me sir, just how did you do that?" To this, the little man replied "Oh, I just asked him if he remembered what I did before and asked him if he wanted me to do it again" -================- Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back." To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The makers of Viagra have announced a plan to use proceeds from the sale of Viagra to finance the development of a pill for women that will make elderly men desirable. Also, the National Organization of Potent Men has announced a plan to protest the distribution of Viagra. A spokesman for the orgranization stated "Viagra gives an impotent man the ability to sustain an erection for up to 4 hours. This causes feelings of inadequacy, a leading cause of impotency, in normally potent men". The organization fears a sudden and dramatic shift in the demographics of it's membership. In other news, Kenneth Starr is reportedly investigating a rumor that the Republican Party had used Bob Dole's supply of Viagra from clinical trials to spike fast food deliveries to the Whitehouse. The Whitehouse has confirmed a report that the entire male staff had participated in a "blind" clinical study in which all but one individual had received a placebo. There was no comment as to the identity of that individual. Original Humor Submitted by Rob Carl -================- Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boast another, "went down with custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old." -================- My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the catalytic converter!" "No, there's ~definitely~ water in the carburetor!" she insisted. "OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake." -================- NEW MEDICINE FOR MEN - Submitted by K. Lawson ------------------------------------ With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.. Here are a few of the new ones: **** DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gasesback into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides. FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors." LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. -================- Jerry Seinfeld: ON CLOTHES - - - -I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" TRAVELING - - - -I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch. - - - -You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1. 75 each. - - - -Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them." - - - -You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work? " "Around 3 miles." DEATH - - - -The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim." THAT'S ODD - - - -I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?" - - - - Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. "The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it ..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed." ON DATING: - - - -Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?" - - - -What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big ." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later." ON SEX: - - - -Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. - - - -Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements . If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere." THE RELATIONSHIP - - - -Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging , that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now !" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles ," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up." - - - -The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Submitted By: "Michael Ashley Cooper" The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?" 25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. -================- There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" Submitted by: Ja Fernandez @ nampak.co.za -================- THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS: "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." " The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration." "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow." "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." -================- -================-To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Submitted By: "Michael Ashley Cooper" The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?" 25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. -================- "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now" -================- There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" Submitted by: Ja Fernandez @ nampak.co.za -================- "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now" -================- THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS: "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." " The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration." "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow." "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." -================- "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now" -================- A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles. "Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked. "It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?" "How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired. "Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters." To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Good Old Uncle Sam's Boys in Uniform! The Military * A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the military's camouflage outfits. Easy -- they patterned it after Army and Marine food. * If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever been in the Marines or the Army. About the worst punishment you could be given while in Boot Camp was "seconds" at the Mess Hall. * Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though. One solider fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days. * One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him perfectly. He began to worry that he was deformed. * Pity the French solider who wins their Croix de Guerre these days. With AIDS everywhere, they can't find a General who'll make the award and kiss the solider during the ceremony. * If you think it's really true that "old soldiers fade away" ask any of them to put on their old Army uniforms. * The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick. A Navy Corpsman said, "Can I get you something ?" The young Marine replied, "How about an island ?" * During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir." -================- My children, apparently feeling I was not receiving enough derision in my daily diet, somehow talked me into going snow skiing a few weeks ago. Skiing, it turns out, is mostly a matter of standing in lines. It begins at the rental counter, where men my age, their faces ravaged by the stresses of a life spent having fun every single day, dispense equipment that is so banged up one can only assume it has been cursed. No one in their right mind would board a bus which was dented, crushed, and battered along its entire length, but we are expected to accept a pair of skis whose previous user must have skied through shrapnel. By the time you've made your way to the front of the line, your seven layers of thermal underwear are producing enough heat to boil copper, and you'd rent a pair of two-by-fours if they'd just let you get out of there and out into the cold. Next you buy tickets. You congratulate yourself on picking such a short line, but apparently the woman in front of you is attempting to buy a condo. As her haggling eats up the hours, you realize that by the time you get your turn you will qualify for the senior discount. Obviously overestimating the persuasive qualities of my life insurance salesman, my children assure me that I don't need a lesson in order to plummet down the side of the mountain. "It's as easy as riding a bicycle," they claim. Right, except when you fall off a bicycle you usually slow DOWN. Ignoring their advice, I go over to stand around with a bunch of other novices, where I am culled from the crowd like the weakest deer in the herd. "Never skied before? Never? Like, are you a total loser or what?" Beautiful ski instructor goddesses direct me to the beginners' class, which is being taught by a ski Nazi named Lars. Now you are in line for the tow rope. Fifty feet away, seasoned skiers are allowed to settle comfortably in chair lifts and sit their way up the mountain, while you, having never tried anything like this before in your entire life, are expected to snag a loop on a moving rope with your gloved hand and somehow remain upright while being dragged up the slope. This is like boarding an airplane while it flies over your house. After three or four tries, your arm and its socket are irreconcilable. Even if you do manage to finally hang onto the line, the person ahead of you will splash into the snow and you will be dragged over the top of her, mumbling "Sorry... sorry" while your ski tips give her brain damage. At the top of the bunny hill, you turn and face what appears to be a completely flat surface. There is no danger you will gain too much speed, or any speed, from atop this miserable little peak. Now you know what the poles are for, and you dig with all your might so you can get down to the bottom of the bunny hill and do it again. It's like Kansas without the wheat. The beginner skier is taught the "snowplow." It's an absurdly un-athletic position, your toes pointed in, knees splayed, arms waving madly in circles (I added this part on my own.) As you creep forward in your snowplow, your children dart around you at insane speeds, singing out "hi dad!" while you try to stab them with your ski poles. Lars spends most of his time seeing how much he can inflate his chest and be blonde. Occasionally he shouts out encouragement: "Cameron you dumb stupid, you are da vorst skier in da history of da English spiking peoples!" Lars, if you get over within ski pole distance you are going to be one perforated ski Nazi. Because your ski bindings have been set to "Geek," whenever an attractive woman happens by, you pop out of your skis and are dumped face first into the snow. Lars shakes his head in sympathy, displaying all the symptoms of a serious teeth whitener abuser, and the women glide over to him and arrange to have sex later that evening while laughing at how poorly you ski. Fortunately, this whole afternoon only cost as much as a semester at Harvard, so its not as if it wasn't worth it. Some time around lunch (the mark-ups these people put on their hamburgers make movie theater popcorn look like a real bargain) your knees give out and you hit the apres ski bar, waiting for your children to show up so you can punish them creatively. The TV has a ballgame on and everyone in the bar is a male your age, nursing a beer and a bad attitude. Apres awhile, you cheer up. A guy like Lars wouldn't stand a chance in a place like this. -================- Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977) ................................................ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. >From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did. Women should be obscene and not heard. After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage. Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho." Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan." Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? Time wounds all heels. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. Whatever it is,... I'm against it. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Quote me as saying I was misquoted. To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: HUMOR Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass! -================- An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southhampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please it down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the goddamn window ! -================- MICROSOFT NUKES WASHINGTON - Submitted by A. K. Smith ------------------------------------ REDMOND --World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 PM EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shedin the computer industry if Washington, DC (not Washington State) were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neitherconfirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." At the closing bell on the Exchange, Microsoft shares rose 12% for an all time high, while confidence dipped in the US government (GOV), lowering its shares by 3% for one day drop in market capitalization of $800 Billion. -================- Prepare yourself. I have uncovered information that may shock and upset you. Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections it has come to my attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same movie. While looking at the cultural values of films in my Lit class, I accidently stumbled across this exciting news. Keep in mind nothing happen in Blaine, MN. So this is exciting!!! - Anonymous GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George. TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal Huckley but ends up falling for third class Jack. GEORGE: Ursula first meets George after he saves her life. TITANIC: Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life. GOEGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of the day with him. TITANIC: Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of the day with him. GEORGE: Ursula sees George's sensitive side when he cheers up a monkey. TITANIC: Rose sees Jack's sensitive side when he cheers up a little girl. GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance together. TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together. GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party. TITANIC: Jack is invited to a high society party. GEORGE: Ursulas mother forbids the love of Ursula/ George TITANIC: Rose's mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage. TITANIC: Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room. GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George. TITANIC: Rose gives up everything to be with Jack. GEORGE: George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula. TITANIC: Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose. GEORGE: George is the self-proclaimed "King of the Jungle." TITANIC: Jack is the self-proclaimed "King of the World" GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of george. TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack. GEORGE: rich snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge of photography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they turn out to know more than he does. TITANIC: rich snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of art and her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than he does. GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides in the limo. TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands at the bow. GEORGE: "George just lucky i guess". TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game. GEORGE: George doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events. TITANIC: Jack doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events. GEORGE: a benevolent ape helps George overcome his social inadequacies. TITANIC: a benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his social inadequacies. GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue ape, who is locked up and treated like an animal. TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who had been locked up and treated like an animal. GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures enjoying their native songs. TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures enjoying their native songs. GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass- transportation accident. TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportation accident. GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger. TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidal stranger. GEORGE: George is a cartoon character brought to life through the magic of movies. TITANIC: Cal is a live person turned into a cartoon character through the magic of movies. -================- The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demontrate. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free. -================- Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look. "My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'." -================- Presidential Answering Service -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day. If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9. If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6. To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W. If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y. To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G. To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D. To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A. Tol leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7. If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on in and then press it. If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth. If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R. If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N. If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G-I-D. If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O. To leave a message for the president's advisor on women's rights, press O-J. To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G. To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S. If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E. To speak to an operator, press o. To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly. -================- Why Americans fail Geography classes - Submitted by K. Liston ------------------------------------ Supposedly true Stories told by travel agents. NOTE: If you have any great funny travels stories, send them to: travel@joke-of-the-day.com 1. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" 2. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." her response....click. 3. A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed. 4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." 5. I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map." 6. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 7. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." 9. A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever." 10. A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express card." To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: HUMOR Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The Top 16 Signs You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School 16> Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies." 15> Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants. 14> "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!" 13> Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers. 12> First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize. 11> No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA. 10> Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure. 9> Leather-clad teacher announces that the letters for today are S and M. 8> Two words: Full Montessori 7> The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle. 6> She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat. 5> Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples. 4> For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato. 3> "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies. 2> The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila." and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School... 1> On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos." [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] -================- There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?" The Indian replied, "Many moons." -================- One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." Submitted by: Al Schritter @ juno.com -================- Some grade school teachers keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. - The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. -================- 3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" -================- Submitted By: "Susie S. Bachman" 1997 DARWIN NOMINEES (# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple (a pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite). They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding he needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the hospital. (# 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on a Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing. The vehicle became wedged between the second to last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and a half, they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged it from the train and spinning it several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries. (# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and then pulled the trigger. (# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." (# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. (# 6) MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague, at the Moscow bank they were guarding, to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. [Isn't it nice to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards] (# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. (# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H & J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. 1997 DARWIN AWARD ~ HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities) Gulf Breeze, Florida - Three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" that one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator" (age 15), prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. But....It was all captured on film. Bradford, PA - J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container, which he then handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room. Rural Carbon County, PA - A group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms (alcohol & firearms...always an intelligent combination) from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal, and prove his macho worth, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide, feet-first, approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he'd come...though a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. "I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." said Michaels. This Guy has a career in the THAAD program.From: Boaz Fletcher To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein Subject: Deep Thoughts on Baking Engineers Date: Sun, 14 Jun 1998 15:45:00 +0200 Why engineers should not write recipe books CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21,55) or until golden brown. Once the reaction is completed, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium. From: Boaz Fletcher To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein Subject: Deep Thoughts on the Collection Plate Date: Mon, 15 Jun 1998 09:39:00 +0200 At one of the many very swank golf clubs, a young man stood in the lobby when he saw an old rabbi sitting in front of a table with a plate into which members of the golf club were supposed to drop a few coins. The old rabbi had on a shabby looking suit and a dirty collar; his beard was unkempt, and he looked like a mess. Sitting opposite the rabbi was a very neatly dressed priest with a spotless white collar, a clean pressed suit and mirror-shined shoes. The plate in front of the priest was overflowing with bills. Everyone who walked into the club looked at the bedraggled rabbi - then turned to the priest and deliberately stopped to put a ten- or twenty-dollar bill in the priest's plate. Unable to stand it any longer, the young fellow who was watching walked over to the rabbi and spoke softly, ""Rebbe, Ich Bin a Yid. I have been standing here for an hour. Every man who walked into this golf club this past hour, I know personally and they are all Jewish.. Yet, because you looked so bedraggled, they deliberately stopped and placed money in the priest's plate! Wouldn't you be smart if you went home, took a bath and put on some clean clothes? Then maybe someone would leave a few dollars in your collection plate. The old rabbi put his arm around the young man and smiled warmly. Then he called over to the priest and said, ""Hershel. Look who's trying to teach us the business."" To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: HUMOR Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Three guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the Genie. The Newfie says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." With a blink of the Genie's eye, ,FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish. The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, ,POOF' there was a huge wall around Quebec. The Albertan asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water." -==================- It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford. "Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building. Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max," but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo." "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel: HI NORM MAX -==================- The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major marketing executive. But as expected, the executive was quite skeptical. The Acme sales rep told the executive, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball." The executive typed, "Where is my father?" The crystal ball bleeped and blooted for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The executive said to the sales rep, "You see? I knew this was BS. My father's been dead for twenty years." "Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way." This time the executive typed, "Where is my mother's husband?" The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout." -==================- Tips for Home Protection The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations. #1. Dear Mr. Butcher; Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutis. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious! #2. Dear Mr. Milkman; We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. PS. Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats?" #3. Selma; Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again... #4. Dear Mr. Exterminator; Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are! #5. To whom it may concern; Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck... -==================- Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife: Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp. Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." Day 5 I think this will work. I replaced his Prosaic with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you! Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? Day 11 The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark. Day 12 I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker. Day 13 I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me! Day 14 Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a cruse missle. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days. Day 15 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor. Day 16 I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. -==================- Submitted By: "Pallavi Guniganti" 18 Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On a Flight 1. Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?" 2. Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile. 3. Call the stewardess "nurse". 4. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...." 5. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!" 6. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather." 7. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever justbecause, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing. 8. Continually offer to share your "Beano". 9. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea. 10. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check. 11. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM. 12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F". 13. There is no 13. Some think it is an unlucky number. Try taking a bus instead and annoy the passengers there. 14. Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally. 15. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...." 16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced. 17. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "?My, youhave a very irate home,' she said governessly." 18. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?" -==================- On a hot summer's day a country boy is pulling a wagon load of manure down a country two lane road in rural Alabama. The local sheriff (Bubba) pulls him over and starts to write him a citation. As the sheriff is standing next to the old boy's pickup some of the flies accompanying the manure wagon start to buzz him. He swats at the flies and cusses them "damn flies." The country boy speaks up and says "Them's circle flies...we calls 'em that cause back home on the farm they's always circling the horses ass." "Boy, are you calling me a horse's ass?" says the angered Bubba. The country boy replied "No sir, but you can't fool them flies." To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: HUMOR Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [This is a little crude, but still rather funny -ed.] Bathroom graffiti - 01 ----------------------------- Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger. Bathroom graffiti - 02 ----------------------------- I came here To shit and stink, But all I do Is sit and think. Bathroom graffiti - 03 ----------------------------- Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to shit and stink, But I come here to scratch my balls, And read the bullshit on the walls. Bathroom graffiti - 04 ----------------------------- (Written high upon the wall) If you can piss above this line,... the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you. Bathroom graffiti - 05 ----------------------------- (Sign posted in a bathroom) We aim to please! You aim too! Please! Bathroom graffiti - 06 ----------------------------- (Seen above a urinal) Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in your ashtrays! Bathroom graffiti - 07 ----------------------------- Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber." Bathroom graffiti - 08 ----------------------------- (On the inside of a toilet door) Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance Bathroom graffiti - 09 ----------------------------- "$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet) Bathroom graffiti - 10 ----------------------------- (A sign I saw at a swimming pool once) We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool! Bathroom graffiti - 11 ----------------------------- (Another sign seen at a swimming pool) Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way. Bathroom graffiti - 12 ----------------------------- (In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant) It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes. Bathroom graffiti - 13 ----------------------------- (Sign seen at a restaurant) The hands that clean these toilets also make your food......... please aim properly. Bathroom graffiti - 14 ----------------------------- (Here's one seen above a urinal) look up look up [even higher on the wall] keep looking up [on the ceiling] Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes! Bathroom graffiti - 15 ----------------------------- (Written above a urinal) Why are you looking up here ? Are you ashamed of it? Bathroom graffiti - 16 ----------------------------- Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one. Bathroom graffiti - 17 ------------------------------- Here I sit so broken hearted Tried to shit but only farted how much longer must I linger before I have to use my finger -==================- ARE YOU NORMAL (Part I) - Submitted by Tom Zickenberg ------------------------------------ Facts about Americans. Did you know that... NOTE: We have no idea as to how they collected this data. That would be a great story by itself AND don't forget that when you are reading this 90% of people say that they sometimes lie. ----------------- AROUND THE HOUSE ----------------- * 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. * Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. * 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. * 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. * 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). * The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. * 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????) --------- HABITS --------- * 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. * 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. * 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. * 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. * 17% have been caught by the host. * 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. * 29% of us ignore RSVP. * 35% give to charity at least once a month. * 71.6% of us eavesdrop. ------ FOOD ------ * 69% eat the cake before the frosting. * When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. * Snickers is the most popular candy. * 22% of us skip lunch daily. * 9% of us skip breakfast daily. * 66% of us eat cereal regularly. * 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. * 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. --------- HYGIENE --------- * 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. * Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. * Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. * 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. * 58% of women paint their nails regularly. * 33% of women lie about their weight. * 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. (I thought that was preferred Trident gum) * The average girl starts her period at age 12. * 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. * 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. * 23.5% admit they don't always flush. * 45.2% pee in the shower. * 44.9% pee in the ocean. * 28.1% pee in the pool. * 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. -==================- ARE YOU NORMAL - PART II - Submitted by Tom Zickenberg ------------------------------------ Facts about Americans. Did you know that... And here is PART II of ARE YOU NORMAL - A survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions. And as we commented yesterday, don't forget - 90% of the respondents have said that they have lied in their life. So it's up to you to figure out if there are telling the truth or not. -------- DRIVING -------- * 4 out of 5 sing in the car. (and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either) * 12% of men never use their car blinkers. * 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it) * 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. * 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. * 71% can drive a stick-shift car. * 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. (Hint from Jokemaster: When this happens, accelerate while simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behing you) ----------------------------- WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING ----------------------------- 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. -------------- RELIGION -------------- * 90% believe in divine retribution. * 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That's one Commandment per person on average) * 82% believe in an afterlife. * 45% believe in ghosts. * 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper) * 49% believe in ESP. -------------- DAILY LIVING -------------- * 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. * 53% read their horoscopes regularly. * 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). * 59% of us say we're average-looking. * Less than 10% are trilingual. * 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. * 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. * 44% reuse tinfoil. * 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. * 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. * 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers. * 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. * 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. * On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. * 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. ---------- LOVE & SEX ---------- * 2 out of 5 have married their first love. * Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. * 29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?) * The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes. * Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4". * 56% of men have had sex at work. * 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand. * Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. * 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. * 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue) (And what percent said yes?) -==================- An Open Letter To All Spammers: Dear Spammer, By now, with all the media coverage, you may have realized that many people are irritated by your activities. But if you thought it ended at mere irritation, you haven't thought it through. Irritation is a form of stress, and as has been medically proven, stress kills. Ahah, you say, but your unsolicited commercial e-mail hasn't killed anyone yet. Perhaps it has... Through an interesting legal doctrine, the spam itself doesn't have to kill, it just has to begin a chain of events that result in death. Say you were driving drunk and hit another car. The driver of that car is put in an ambulance and rushed to the hospital, but on the way to the hospital the ambulance is struck by lightning and explodes, killing the passenger. You could still be convicted of his death. Why? But for your illegal act of driving while intoxicated, that person would have most likely made it home safe. Your reckless and selfish actions resulted in that person having to be in that ambulance and thus you are responsible for their death. Now let's look at your spam... it aggravates a man who then snaps at his wife over an insignificant thing. They get in a fight. He leaves the house, goes to a bar, has a few drinks... On his way home he gets into an accident, killing himself and the driver of the other car. But for your spam, he might have been in a better mood and wouldn't have fought with his wife, but no... your reckless and selfish actions resulted in the death of TWO people. You sick, shameless bastard! Thus when you -- with full premeditation and knowledge of the potential consequences -- send out a bulk unsolicited commercial e-mailing to millions of people, you are in effect committing attempted murder by a single individual on a mass scale heretofore unknown in the history of the world. Another interesting legal doctrine is that you may use as much force in the defense of the life of another from an attacker as you would to defend your own. That means that not just everyone with an e-mail address may kill you in self defense, but everyone in the world may kill you to defend the rest of us before your spamming has the chance to take another life. Please, save your own life as well as the lives of countless others. Don't spam... or we'll kill you. With love from your pal, Greg Bulmash -==================- A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said the Texan. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it Supreme Ranch" said Texan St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags." Where upon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said the Texan, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out." -==================- MILE HIGH AIRLINES: South African Airways is asking police to charge two of its passengers with public indecency, the airline announced. A couple on a flight from London to Johannesburg was not concerned with who saw what they were doing, the airline says. "It was the most callous display of lust I have ever seen," said one. "I could understand it if they covered themselves with a blanket, but no: it was wham, bam, right there in the seat, in the missionary position," her husband confirmed. The couple only stopped when the captain stepped into the passenger cabin and told them that his airplane was "not a shag house". (Reuters) ...Unless, of course, they pay full first class fares. MILLION MILE HIGH CLUB: With hopes of sending astronauts on a mission to Mars, which will take about three years, NASA is finally coming to grips with the possibility that ...gasp!... a mixed crew of astronauts might, perhaps, someday, maybe, engage in space sex. However, a veteran Russian cosmonaut urges NASA to assign a crew without women to remove the temptation. "A young guy could hold out three years without women, then when he got back to Earth all women would love him," Musa Manarov, who has spent a total of a year and a half in space, claims. He adds it's easier to go without women in space than on Earth. "On Earth you see advertisements, television, someone going by. You'd go out of your mind, say, two years without women." But having a woman on a space mission would make such self-control impossible, he says. "It's like a weapon that could misfire. But if you didn't have the weapon at all it just won't go off." (Reuters) ...NASA is realistic enough to know the astronauts' weapons will be going off whether women are there or not. OPERATION SALAD DRESSING: Researchers at the Pacific Northwest National Laboratory looking for a safe way to destroy more than 500,000 tons of surplus military explosives think they may have found the solution: spinach. The "good-for-you" veggie contains an enzyme, nitroeductase, which, when mixed with water and a buffer solution, has the ability to safely "eat" explosives such as TNT. The Department of Defense is providing $1 million to study the "environmentally benign digestion process", which should take about three years. (UPI) ...There goes the military wasting time and money again. Popeye showed that spinach could neutralize high explosives decades ago. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER: When two fishermen from Puglia, Italy, found a hand grenade, they didn't turn it over to authorities, they took it fishing. And when they saw some bubbles coming from the deep, they tossed the grenade in the water "hoping to stun fish". The bubbles weren't coming from fish, but from Teodoro Zuccaro's scuba tank. The blast killed the 43-year-old diver. The two fishermen have been charged with manslaughter, detonating an explosive, and poaching. (AP) ...Of course poaching: divers aren't in season yet. From: Boaz Fletcher To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein Subject: Deep Thoughts on Clean Living Date: Sun, 28 Jun 1998 10:23:00 +0200 Some rules to live by. 1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, ""Printer out of Paper,"" this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the ""OK"" button. 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. 7. When the PC says, ""Insert diskette #2,"" don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 8. When your PC says ""You have mail,"" don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. 9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. 10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. 11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: HUMOR Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Question: Why is it called a "hamburger" if it doesn't contain ham? Answer: At first glance, it seems that the word "hamburger" is a combination of the words "ham" and "burger." Therefore, one naturally assumes that a hamburger is a burger that contains ham. But the word "hamburger" actually traces its roots back to Hamburg Germany, where people used to eat a similar food called the "Hamburg steak." Eventually, the Hamburg steak made its way to the United States, where people shortened its name to "hamburger." -==================- The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is." he replied, "Breakfast." -==================- A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me." -==================- A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. " My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" "Not so fast," she replies. "First let's see you play that harmonica!" -==================- If Men Were in Charge of Weddings..... There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley! Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man". There would be "Tailgate Receptions". Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something. Invitations would read as follows... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up B) couldn't get a different roommate or C) caved in to her ultimatum.. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... BYOB.. From: Boaz Fletcher To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein Subject: Deep Thoughts on Telling Us Apart Date: Wed, 01 Jul 1998 10:30:00 +0200 (this joke uses a naughty word many times) A Short Guide to Comparative Religions -------------------------------------- Taoism Shit happens. Buddhism If shit happens, it's not really shit. Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestantism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Hinduism This shit happened before. Catholicism Shit happens because you're bad. Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama. T.V. Evangelism Send more shit. Atheism No shit. Jehova's Witness Knock knock, shit happens. Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening. Christian Science Shit happens in your mind. Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't. Existentialism What is shit anyway? Stoicism This shit doesn't bother me. Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit. Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us? To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: HUMOR Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake... -==================- In eighteenth century America, the Spanish dollar was a popular coin. It was made out of silver and was so large that people often cut it into smaller pieces, or "bits." Each bit was one-eighth of the original coin and was therefore worth 12.5 cents. Later, when the American quarter came into use, it was said to be worth "two bits." -==================- Did you hear about the man who called the doctor and said excitedly, "My pregnant wife's contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?" "No, you idiot!" exclaimed the man. "This is her HUSBAND." -==================- During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his great suprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!" -==================- Top 50 OXYMORONS: 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works -==================- A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang. The husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!" As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What was that all about?" He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear." -==================- BUMPER BLABBER: Wrentham District Court Judge Daniel Winslow wanted to try out a new punishment on himself before he imposed the sentence on convicted drunk drivers, so he plastered two bright orange stickers on the back of his car: one said "convicted repeat drunk driver", the other urged others to report "erratic driving" to police. "The idea is to remove the mask of anonymity from driving a car and expose one's driving to 1,000 eyes," Winslow said. The Massachusetts judge ruled the experiment a success, saying he got a lot of concerned looks when he drove around town, but no threats or intimidation. He hasn't used the punishment yet, but said he won't hesitate to apply it in an appropriate case. (AP) ...The best part: his teenager stopped asking to borrow the car. SNIFF: When a police officer found an envelope in Michael Horne's truck, a field test showed it contained methamphetamine and he was arrested. The San Antonio, Texas, officers would not believe Horne when he said the contents were his grandmother's ashes from her cremation. He waited in jail for a month while more sophisticated tests showed they were indeed not speed, but grandma. "Nobody would believe the poor guy no matter how much he screamed and shouted," said Luis Vera, Horne's attorney, who has filed a lawsuit against the city. "You can tell this is ashes when you look at it." And, he was quick to add, "Grandma wasn't a doper." (Reuters) ...Soon to be the title of a Country Western ballad. -==================- * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... * I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? * Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? * I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. * Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor. * Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ? -==================- What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Shit!" Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!" "Whack!!" -==================- For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ... A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate. Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real. To: Humor Rcpt From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Weekly Humor Hit 12/7/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4 year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" -==================- Why is a jeep called a "jeep?" The Answer: The early jeep had the letters "GP" painted on its side, which stood for "general purpose." This lead people to call it a "jeepee." Later, the nickname was shorted to "jeep." (Source: "Ever Wonder Why" by Douglas Smith) -==================- A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. "What's the matter" he asked "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news" "What's the bad news?" "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear." "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra" -==================- The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?" "Braille," she replied. -==================- German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. -==================- HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT - Submitted by Rich Rumsey ------------------------------------ A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said. "I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. -==================- Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me." -==================- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes." "There is one other thing,'' the driver said. "What is that?'' "Your name is on the front of your suitcase.'' To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 14/7/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: First grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie." -==================- What does OK stand for? The Answer: Originally OK stood for "oll korrect," a comical way of saying "all correct." It seems that newspaper writers in the 1830s got a real kick out of making up silly initials. Similar initials included KY for "know yuse" (meaning "no use") and KG "know go" (meaning "no go"). Most of these initials didn't last, but OK did because it was so handy in conversation. In 1840, President Martin Van Buren made OK even more popular by using it in his failed re-election campaign. He called himself OK, explaining that in his case OK meant "Old Kinderhook," a reference to his hometown in New York. Van Buren's opponents said that he really was OK, "Orfully Konfused." By the end of the campaign, everyone called Van Buren OK for their own reason, making OK very popular initials. Eventually, people forgot what OK stood for, but they knew that it was a sign of approval and kept using it. (Source: "Know it All" by Ed Zotti) -==================- Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!" -==================- There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..." -==================- All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President." To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits ??/7/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: Most of the people on this list probably know this, but - here it is anyway] Why are the keyboard's letters arranged so awkwardly? The Answer: Anyone who has ever tried to learn how to touch-type must have wondered about this. Why, for example, does the word "the," which is one of the most used words in the English language, require the use of three different fingers and both hands? The answer is that the keyboard was arranged awkwardly on purpose. As you know, before the advent of computers, keyboards were used on typewriters. If a series of keys were pressed too quickly, on the old typewriters, the keys would jam. So engineers got together and "conspired" to make it harder for typists to press the keys too quickly, and thus the modern keyboard was born. -==================- What does S O S stand for? The Answer: Believe it or not, S O S, the international distress signal, doesn't stand for anything. Some people think that it stands for "Save Our Ship" or "Save Our Souls," but it's just not true. Those famous three letters don't stand for a thing. In fact, they were only chosen to indicate distress because they're easy to communicate in Morse code: three dots, three dashes, three dots. (Source: "Knowledge in a Nutshell" by Charles Reichblum) -==================- A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!" "Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." "But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets." -==================- Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" -==================- One day Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat talking. They get to talking about the old days and they decide to test their own powers. Moses goes first. He stands up in the boat and spreads his arms and the water parts around them and before they know it they're sitting on the bottom of the lake. He lowers his arms and the water returns to normal. It's Jesus' turn now. He stands up and is about to step onto the water, but when he tries he sinks right to the bottom. When he finally crawls back in the boat, Moses asks him what happened. Jesus replies, "I forgot about these damn holes in my feet." -==================- DON'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE: The book is not dead in America. A new Harris Poll finds that Americans' preferred activity during their average of 20 hours per week of leisure time is reading, chosen by 30 percent as their number-one time-off activity, with watching TV coming in second at 21 percent. Unfortunately, spending time with family was noted by only 13 percent. (Reuters) ...Tragically, they're mostly reading books about what's wrong with the modern American family. -==================- A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." -==================- Why are people of noble decent called "bluebloods?" The Answer: The word "blueblood" traces its origins back to the eighth century. At the time, the Moors ruled large parts of southern Europe, including Spain. The Spanish, who originally had milky complexions, began to intermarry with the Moors, producing the darker skinned Spanish people we see today. Among the Spanish aristocracy, however, many didn't associate with the Moors. Instead they secluded themselves in the mountains of Castile, deliberately avoiding the sun in order to set themselves apart from the foreign invaders. As a result, these aristocrats had such pale skin that their veins were visible. And, since veins seem to carry blue blood when they're seen though skin, these aristocrats became known as "bluebloods." -==================- On the day before Halloween, a lawyer from Little Rock, Arkansas, decided to file a federal class action suit to stop public schools from observing the "rites and customs and practices of the religion of Satan on its annual high unholy day." The case is listed as: Forbes, All Christian Children, Their Parents, Taxpayers of Arkansas, Jesus Christ, Lord, Savior, Best Friend, Master, King of Kings & Rightful Sovereign vs. Department of Education, School District, School Board, High Priests of Secular Humanism, Communist Party USA, Church of Satan, the Anti-Christs, Satan, the God of this World System Everyone thought it was going to be an uncontested lawsuit until, surprisingly, Satan filed a motion to dismiss the suit. Another Little Rock lawyer, John Wesley Hall, playing the devil's advocate, claimed that Satan couldn't be sued because he lacked sufficient "minimum contacts" with the state of Arkansas to allow a suit in a federal court. In this case, "minimun contacts" meant that Satan had never transacted business, owned property, written contracts, or filed any other lawsuit in Arkansas. The case was dismissed. -==================- Why do pilots say "mayday" when they're in trouble? The Answer: You see it in movies all the time. A plane has some technical trouble and starts to nosedive, so the pilot grabs the radio and shouts "Mayday! Mayday!" leaving the audience wondering what the month of May has to do with the plane's predicament. Actually, the word "mayday" has nothing to do with the month of May. Instead, it comes from the French word "m'aidez," which means "help me," an appropriate thing to say when your plane nosedives. (Source: The American Heritage Dictionary) -==================- A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. Who Said Blondes Can't Fly, she thought to herself. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan." To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 26/07/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular... "All lawyers are assholes." The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes! How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink." The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?" "Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!" -==================- SO FUN, YOU'LL WET YOURSELF: Prolume, Ltd., of Pittsburgh, Penn., has cloned the genes of glowing sea creatures to create an inexhaustible supply of glow-in-the-dark proteins. There are some medical applications for them, but their first product will be the "Splashlight" -- squirt guns which shoot bioluminescent jets of liquid for nighttime water wars. Meanwhile, to diffuse workplace tension, reports a toy industry newsletter, more and more toys are appearing in offices around the country for stressed workers to play with. One favorite toy being there seen more: squirt guns. (Reuters, AP) ...Yes, seeing someone pull a gun out of their briefcase at the office is a sure tension breaker. Especially at the Post Office. CAN YOU BEAT THAT? Shard Tappan, 28, was escaping the heat in Mt. Clemens, Mich., in an apartment swimming pool. He and friends decided to have a contest to see who could hold their breath the longest. Tappan won. After five minutes at the bottom of the pool, the friends pulled him out and started CPR. He was pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital. (UPI) ..."Everyone is subject to the laws of Darwinism whether or not they believe in them, agree with them, or accept them. There is no trial, no jury, no argument, and no appeal." --Posting on the Internet. -==================- Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land ? Tower: Oh, who's talking ? Pilot: Me Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ? Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ? Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ? Pilot: More or less Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ? Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid" Radar: To avoid what ? Pilot: To avoid delay Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675 Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here. How is my groundspeed ? Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very well. Captain: (after landing a bit rough) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one. -==================- A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" -==================- CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT -------------------------------------------- WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality." Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance- based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented new hires. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?" "As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless ofhis or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation. -==================- Why are coin banks shaped like pigs? The Answer: Originally people kept their money in jars that were made of clay called "pygg." Realizing the phonetic similarity between pygg (the material) and pig (the animal), people started to create their jars in the shape of a pig, and later called them "piggy banks." To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 26/7/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear... "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here." -==================- THE NEW DICTIONARY - Submitted by Rubin ------------------------------------ Websters cme out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times Here are a few highlight of what's inside ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. and one to tell your boss... TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. -==================- Computer Terminology -------------------- 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago." Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. Submitted by: Dan Grossman @ yale.edu -==================- Vice President Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly coifed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." -==================- Submitted By: Daniel Stevens Old man Harry and his wife get in the car and head for town one day. When they get to the end of their street Harry's wife says, "Harry you need to put on your seatbelt." Harry barks back saying, "I'm not wearing a seatbelt! I"ve been driving for over 30 years and I've never worn a seatbelt yet and I'm not wearing one now! They make me feel trapped in." Harry's wife says, "But Harry it's the LAW now that you have to wear a seatbelt while driving and if we get stopped you'll get a big fine." Harry yells back, "I don't give a damn what THE LAW says...I'm not wearing a seatbelt!" Just minutes after turning out on to the main highway Harry sees the flashing lights and hears the siren of a police car pulling him over. Harry pulls over to the side of the road and the patrol car pulls in behind him. Harry real quick puts on his seatbelt. The officer walks up to Harry's side of the car and Harry rolls down the window. The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over today sir? "Harry replies, "Well no sir I don't...I know I wasn't speeding." The officer says, "I pulled you over because you weren't wearing your seatbelt." Harry quips back, "I'm wearing my seatbelt." The officer replies, "Yes sir, but you weren't wearing it when I pulled you over...you put it on AFTER I stopped you...I saw you do it." Harry loudly responds, "I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SEATBELT EVER SINCE WE LEFT THE HOUSE, AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME JUST ASK MY WIFE!" The officer leans down and looks in at Harry's wife and asks, "Is that true mam, has he been wearing the seatbelt ever since you left the house?" Harry's wife shakes her head and replies, "Officer if there is one thing I've learned...it is that you DON'T argue with my Harry when he's been drinking!" -==================- awyers You Love to Hate: A former insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying to lift his briefcase from his car trunk. Even though he missed no work or even a golf game on account of the injury, he was awarded $95,000 because of the work-related injury. A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours of work for letters that were only one sentence in length. A Chicago lawyer charged $25,000 for "ground transportation" while on business in San Francisco. A Kansas lawyer received nearly $35,000 in workmen's compensation because he hurt his shoulder reaching into the backseat of his car for his briefcase. One lawyer, while working on a government contract, wrote a definition of the words "and/or" that was over 300 words in length. -==================- The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere." -==================- MESS HAUL: The Russian military is having so much trouble finding fit recruits that it is drafting the ill, Russian newspapers report. In one case, a mentally ill soldier on guard duty at the prime minister's house started to randomly fire his rifle. "Imagine what a mentally ill person or a drug addict can do if you give him an assault rifle," said a Russian general of the problem. Incidents of suicide, and shootouts between soldiers, are also high, officials say. Meanwhile, the Russian army is so short on funds that it is buying canned dog food to feed troops. Investigators say they found 1,000 tons of dog food when they inspected army food depots near Moscow. When the investigators announced they were going to inspect other food depots, the general in charge of food services resigned. (AP, 2) ...So, if the conscripts weren't sick when they were drafted, they were by the time they were discharged. Y2K A-OK: The U.S. military has "offered to share or engage in joint early warning projects with Russia and maybe with other countries as well" in order to avoid a war on January 1, 2000, the Pentagon has announced. Military planners are afraid that the "Year 2000 bug" in computers might trigger a false attack warning. Computers or programs that use only two digits to store or calculate the year might be confused by the year 2000, perhaps mistaking it for the year 1900. (Reuters) ..."Sir! The system reports the Russians are attacking -- on horseback!" -==================- In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--" "Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in for?" -==================- Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to Court. In Court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite bull Boris into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Boris into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, as the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he was to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Boris into the trailer and was driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch and Boris was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear 'ol Boris moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible shape just by his groans. Shortly after the accident, a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Boris moaning and groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, he took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then the Policeman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your bull was in such bad shape I had to shoot him." "How are you feeling?" -==================- Who was the first president of the United States of America? Answer: Seems like an easy question doesn't it? After all, most of us learned that George Washington was the first president of the United States of America. Technically though, John Hanson--not Washington--was the first president. (Don't believe me? Well read on.) Although in 1789 Washington became the first president of the U.S. under the U.S. Constitution, the U.S. existed since 1776--thirteen years before Washington became president. For eight of those years, the U.S. was governed by the Articles of Confederation, which were adopted by Congress in 1777 and ratified by the states in 1781. When the Congress met in 1781, it elected John Hanson its "President of the U.S. in Congress assembled." After the election, George Washington wrote Hanson to congratulate him on his "appointment to fill the most important Seat in the United States." Today, Hanson is rarely remembered because his position carried little power and because the system of government that elected him was quickly replaced. Don't believe today's answer? If you have a copy of "The World Almanac and Book of Facts", look up "The Continental Congress: Meetings, Presidents." In that section you'll find a reference to John Hanson. Look at the footnote and you'll see that he really was America's first president. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 03/08/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Why does "let the cat out of the bag" mean "to let a secret be known"? The Answer: In 18th century England, British tenants who farmed land that belonged to gentry were required to pay part of everything they produced as rent. To avoid paying some rent, many cunning farmers secretly sold some of their pigs without reporting the transactions. Often, these farmers would hide their pigs in a heavy bag, or a poke (which, by the way, is why the phrase "pig in a poke" means "something that's offered in a disguised way"). Eventually, crafty salespeople realized that, in their haste, customers who engaged in these illegal deals didn't bother to look inside their bag, which made it easy to pass off a cat as a young pig. Once the buyer arrived at home, however, the secret came out in the open, as he let the cat out of the bag. (Source: "Why You Say It" by Webb Garrison) BY THE WAY, here in New York, cunning sellers use a similar trick. Drivers who stop at red lights are often approached by guys who claim that they just stole a TV set that's so new it's still in the original box. Though the set is worth $500 these sellers are willing to sell if for a mere $100. If a driver buys the set, he's told that he must drive home quickly to keep from getting arrested for buying stolen merchandise, and that he must not stop to look inside the box until he gets home. Once the driver gets home and excitedly opens the box, all he finds are a couple of heavy rocks. It's an old trick, but people still fall for it. -==================- In the old days, prisoners tried to escape the confines of their cell by using a file hidden inside a cake. Today, thanks to our criminal justice system, prisoners try to escape their boredom by filing a lawsuit, which is a piece of cake. Because inmates are considered "indigent," they don't have to pay filing fees and are either given a court-appointed lawyer or can respresent themselves. Every claim, no matter how fivolous, must be considered by the district attorney's office. Over 90 percent of prisoner cases are determined fivolous and therefore dismissed. Glenn Spradley, who is serving a life sentence for attempted murder and aggravated assault in Florida, sued for three pancakes instead of two. Michael A. Johnson, who was serving time in Lorton Reformatory filed a lawsuit for $12,500 because he was charged $6 for a $5.80 book of postage stamps. A federal judge in Washington, DC, dismissed the lawsuit. A lawsuit was filed against Buchanan County, Missouri, alleging that the county should award damages to a prisoner who broke his leg while attempting to escape from its jail. -==================- A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ." -==================- This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." -==================- A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?" -==================- Why is a dismissed employee said to be "sacked"? The Answer: In the 17th century, craftsmen and artisans brought their own tools to work, storing them in a sack. If the boss wanted to dismiss one of these workers, he would often give him his sack. The implication being that he should put his tools in the sack and leave the shop. Today, you don't have to be an artisan or a craftsman to "get the sack." Even the boss can be "sacked." (Source: "Why You Say It" by Webb Garrison) -==================- The bank manager noticed the new clerk was adroit at counting money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked. "Yale," replied the lad. "Good!," said the manager. "And what's your name?" "Yim Yohnston," he replied. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 04/9/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"--bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears." -=========================================- This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you". The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid. -=========================================- The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company." -=========================================- Several cases during this century have been dubbed "The Trial of the Century." Among them are: People v. Richard Loeb and Nathan Leopold (aka the Leopold & Loeb trial), Commonwealth v. Nicola Socco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti (aka the Sacco & Vanzetti trial), State v. John T. Scopes (aka the Scopes Monkey trial), and People v. Bruno Richard Hauptmann (aka the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping). But without a doubt, the most famous trial of recent times has been People v. OJ Simpson (1995). OJ Simpson has become part of American folklore - but a what cost? Take a look: $3.6 million to investigate and prosecute the case $3 million in food, security, and shelter for the jury $2.7 million in Sheriff's department expenses $1.9 million in court costs (superior and municipal) $100,000 for autopsies $21,000 in accounting costs And an estimated $40 billion in loss of productivity due to American workers discussing the Simpson trial instead of doing their job. Cuts right to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? -=========================================- [ed: This reminded me of the MS-helicopter joke. But read it through, it adds a cute little twist in the end] A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "You must work in business." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." -=========================================- Why do lion tamers use chairs? The Answer: Lions are predators, and unlike other animals, they can't be domesticated. But, as lion-tamers know, it is possible to predict when a lion is going to strike. Before a lion turns aggressive, his eyes narrow and he starts to focus on the object that he wants to strike. At that point, the lion-tamer must distract the lion and make him lose focus. Often, the cracking of a whip or the shot of a gun will do the trick. Other times, a chair is used. When the tamer points the legs of a chair at his lion, the lion suddenly goes from having one point to concentrate on (the tamer) to four (the chair's legs), and his aggression usually subsides. (Source: "The College of Obscure Knowledge" by Jim Marbles) -=========================================- CURSE OF THE ANCIENTS: German Adam Gotz, 30, claimed he was a "spiritual psychiatrist" and said the Pyramids in Giza, Egypt, provided spiritual energy that enabled believers to "transcend humanity". That energy would allow people to be "free from death", he told his girlfriend Sarah, traveling with him from Germany. Later, after climbing to the top of the 187-meter (617 feet) Cairo Tower, Gotz told Sarah he would prove what he was telling her was true: he jumped off. He was killed on impact. (Reuters) ...Warning: Belief in strange ideas does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you. GOLD WATCH OPTIONAL: The Japanese government has awarded a pension to two Korean women who were forced to work in a Japanese factory during World War II. After a court fight, the government relented and made the payment in a lump sum, basing the pension on 15 days of the women's 1941 wages. Yang Chun-ki and Kwon Byong-suk, both 68, collected 24 cents, which was split evenly between them. (AP) ...It's so moving to see injustice finally get righted. POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK: Someone in New York City has a "very premeditated, conscious and sick desire to take out their ill feelings on the city's wildlife," says Chief Alex Brash of the Urban Park Rangers. Bird seed laced with pesticide is being left around Manhattan. At least 60 dead birds, mostly pigeons, have been found near Times Square and the Upper East Side. "This is someone who had a bad time with pigeons at some point and is taking it out on them now," Brash theorizes. (AP) ...Rangers say Tom Lehrer is being sought for "routine questioning". NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION: The Inquisitions shouldn't necessarily be condemned, argues Roman Catholic theologian Georges Cottier. Rather, its historical context should be reviewed before saying "that such and such an act should not have been committed," he said. Cottier will chair a symposium at the Vatican this fall to examine the Roman, Spanish and Middle Age Inquisitions in order to provide the Pope "with enough information to see if there is a need to apologize" for such acts as torture or the burning of Protestants at the stake. (AFP) ...Indeed, we must examine whether the Inquisitors came from broken homes and inner city squalor, which might help us understand them better. DING DING DING DING DING: Michael Kearney just got his master's degree in chemistry with an A-minus grade point average. Not a big deal, perhaps, unless you consider he is only 14 years old. The Murfreesboro, Tenn., boy started high school at age 5, was awarded a bachelor's degree at 10, and is taking it all in stride: "I'm happy. I'm giddy. I'm spiffy," he said. "Everyone's sending me money, so I'm happy. It's not so much the graduation, it's the cash. The cold, hard cash." That attitude might help to explain his main goal in life: to become a game show host on TV. He'll be starting on a doctorate program soon, but "the game show host thing is always there. If someone gives me an offer, boom, I'll be there," he said. (AP) ...If you ever needed proof that television can harm young minds, boom, there you are. -=========================================- Life is sexually transmitted. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. -=========================================- Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." -=========================================- Why do people believe that breaking a mirror causes seven years of bad luck? The Answer: Back in the sixth century B.C., the Greeks began using a shallow bowl filled with water to predict the future of the person who cast his image on the reflective surface. If one of these mirrors broke, the seer would automatically predict that the person holding it didn't have a future-- i.e., he was going to die. In the first century A.D., the Romans adapted this superstition and added their own twist to it. Since they believed that a person's health changed in cycles of seven years, a broken mirror indicated seven years of poor health and misfortune. That belief was reinforced in fifteenth-century Italy, where the modern mirror was first manufactured. Since mirrors were expensive at the time, those who were wealthy enough to afford them told their servants that breaking the fragile treasure would result in seven years of bad luck. (Source: PANTI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panti) -=========================================- MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN "LOTTERIES MAKE US DREAM BIG" The American dream sure has changed. The dream used to be to make a decent living, buy a house and raise a few loving children to be good citizens and mow the lawn. The new dream is far more appealing: win millions of dollars in the lottery, tell your boss exactly what to do with your job, and spend the rest of your life shopping. Which man hasn't dreamed of owning a fleet of Ferraris, a wardrobe of Armanis and a lifetime supply of Rogaine? Which woman hasn't dreamed of visiting several malls in one day and buying them all? The government has helped foster these dreams, sponsoring a number of lotteries and somehow fooling us that buying tickets is a wise investment. Truth is, it would be wiser to invest in prune juice, hoping it will one day be as popular as beer. In most states, lotteries are one of the few legal forms of gambling, an easy way for governments to tax people, even the poor, who cling to the hope that they are buying a ticket to Bill Gates' world -- or at least his village. Many buy hundreds of tickets, playing various combinations and increasing their chances of going bankrupt. The recent $295 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery, sponsored by 20 states and the District of Columbia, created more excitement around the country than a celebrity divorce. Millions of people rushed to stores to buy tickets. If only we could get that kind of turnout for elections. Perhaps we should allow voters to pick candidates, as well as numbers. So many people would vote, the next president might actually get a majority. I could laugh at all the people who drove several hours to neighboring states to buy Powerball tickets. I could laugh at those who stood in line for hours. I could laugh at those who ended up with worthless pieces of paper. But I don't like laughing at crazy people, especially when I happen to be one of them. Sort of. One of my work mates offered to drive to West Virginia to buy tickets for everyone in the office. And I decided to give her $5 for five chances at instant retirement. I didn't want to be the only loser in the office, the only person who had to work for a living. I knew the odds of winning were steep, about one in 80 million, equal to the odds of: ---Mike Tyson being asked to host the next Miss America contest. ---Monica Lewinsky refusing to write a tell-all book. ---Robert Downey Jr. being appointed as the country's drug czar. ---Richard Simmons writing a best-selling book called "How to Gain Weight and Stay Fat." ---Howard Stern talking for an hour without mentioning sex. But despite the odds, the jackpot was too enticing for me, because I knew someone was going to win it. And chances are, whoever won it wouldn't share it with me. Even if I begged them. Despite the odds, millions of people couldn't help dreaming about what they'd do with the money. Some dreamed about all the things they'd buy. Others dreamed about all the people they'd help. It's so easy to be generous in your dreams. Despite the odds, the American dream lives on. Until the next jackpot. Submitted by the author: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg, Pa., Public Opinion. Write to him at mdurai@mail.cvn.net. Read previous columns at www.cvn.net/~mdurai. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 07/9/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [ed: This doesn't work well in writing. You need to drag out the part just before the punch line] During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?" -=========================================- Some Clinton Jokes: Q. What's the difference between Jerry Springer and Kenneth Starr? A. One's a guy who gets his kicks exposing the sexual transgressions of hillbillies, and the other one is a talk show host. --- Sears is making a tool in honor of Bill Clinton....the Clinton driver...screws everything guranteed. --- As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?" --- THE INTEROGATION - Submitted by Sheffie Kadane "STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss" ------------------------------------------------ I'm here to ask As you'll soon see -- Did you grope Miss Lewinsky? Did you grope her In your house? Did you grope Beneath her blouse? I did not do that Here or there-- I did not do that Anywhere! I did not do that Near or far -- I did not do that Starr-You-Are. Did you smile? Did you flirt? Did you peek Beneath her skirt? And did you tell the girl to lie When called upon To testify? I do not like you Starr-You-Are -- I think that you Have gone too far. I will not answer Any more -- Perhaps I will go Start a war! The public's easy To distract -- When bombs are Falling on Iraq! -=========================================- THE DESIGNER AND THE ENGINEER (A Bit long, bt worth the read) - Submitted by David Rim --------------------------------- Throughout history, Artsy types and techy types have always been in conflict. This is most probably caused by 'Right Brain' and 'Left Brain' dominance of the respective professions. I am sure there was conflict even when the wheel was designed 'Make it perfectly round to reduce friction," said the wheel techician. "No, perfectly round is so boring and generic," argued the wheel designer. Well in today's moden age, the internet has created one of the most glaring and continuous confrontations between the two. Here is a recent conversation overheard between a web deigner and an engineer. --------- Hi, I don't think we've met yet. I'm the designer. I just started, and I have a bit of a technical question. That's what I'm here for. What's the problem? Well, I was wondering how you set the font in HTML? How do I make sure that our audience gets their text in Myriad MM light norm 12 pt? Oh that's an easy one! Great! What is it? You can't. Cheers! That doesn't make any sense. Sure it does. You see, HTML is designed to work on all computers and all displays. You don't know what fonts people are going to have installed on their machines or even if they have monitors. They may be visually impaired, you know. So trying to set the font is a useless endeavor. So I'm stuck designing with the default fonts set by the Web browser? Well, unless readers set their own fonts. What? Yeah, check it out. I've set up my fonts and display just the way I like it: black background, orange text, and the fonts are all Courier. AAAHHHHHH!!!!! You fiend! My designs! My beautiful designs! All ruined! What a world ... what a world.... Well that's what you get when you try to control visual presentation on a multiplatform environment. Stupid designer. Some time later ... I figured it out! What? What did you figure out? Fonts on the Web. I got them to work. WOW! It's ... it's beautiful! Elegant, refined, readable. I don't understand. This shouldn't be possible. How'd you do this? Oh, it was easy. I made our entire site into a background GIF, flattened the text down into the bitmap, and then just made an image map around all the linkable items. But that's monstrous! It's unstructured! It's unsearchable! It's unindexable! It's ... it's ... It's got the font control that I need. (looks at file size) IT'S 150 KILOBYTES!!!! But I have the fonts I needed. AHHHH!!!!!! My server! My poor server! What a world! What a world. Stupid engineer. -=========================================- Why do we cover our mouths when we yawn? The Answer: Today, we cover a yawn out of politeness, but that's not why the custom got started. It began out of fear. In ancient times, it is believed, people thought that a yawn was the soul's attempt to leave the body. Covering a yawn with one's hand was the way people kept their souls from escaping. It seems that this belief began when ancient man observed that babies yawn soon after birth. With infant mortality being inexplicably high, people blamed yawning for their babies' deaths. In fact, Roman physicians actually instructed mothers to make sure that their baby's mouth was always covered during a yawn in order to protect its life. (Source: PANTI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panti) -=========================================- Funnty signs from around the world: ------------------------------- Plumer: "We repair what your husband fixed." -Mo4al ************ On the trucks of a local plumbing company here in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!" -Rickley L. Buck ************ Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak!! ************ At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." - Adolph Herbstrei ************ Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello, can we pick your nose? -Chanel Rose ************ Sign at the psychic's hotline: Don't call us, We'll call you. -IBDOUGELL ************ At A Laundry shop: How about we refund your money Send you a new one at no charge Close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? 'Signed Customer Service' -Janet36603 ************ At a towing company: "We won't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." -Phred ************ Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs" -Joe E Bowers, Jr. -=========================================- [ed: BTW, The Muppets made a song out of this.] THE OEDIPUS COMPLEX - Submitted by Rosie Fife ------------------------------- Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/09/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: HOW TO WRITE YOUR THESIS PAPER - Submitted by KSmocke ------------------------------- Scene: It's a fine beautiful day in the forest; and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, typing away on his lap top. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox: "What are you working on?" Rabbit: "My Thesis paper to graduate from University." Fox: "Hmmmmm. What is it about?" Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (There is an incredulous pause) Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!" Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!" They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap). Wolf: "What's that you are writing?" Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves." (loud guffaws). Wolf: "You don't expect to get such garbage published, do you?" Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?" The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach. He goes back to his typing. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap). Finally a bear comes along and asks, Bear: "What are you doing?" Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears." Bear: "Well that's absurd!" Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you." SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: ----------------------- It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic. It doesn't matter what you use for your data. It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor. -=========================================- Why is something that's thrown out said to be "86ed"? The Answer: It seems that in the 1920s, diners and soda fountain employees used to use code numbers to communicate with each other. 82 meant "I need a glass of water," 19 was a call for a banana split, 99 meant "the manager is on the prowl," and 86 meant "we're out of that item." Later 86 came to mean "Whatever he asks for, tell him we're out of. He's broke, so don't serve him anything." Eventually, when someone was 86ed, he was simply asked to leave or thrown out. (Source: THE STRAIGH DOPE, by Cecil Adams) -=========================================- REASONS FOR ALLOWING DRINKING AT WORK - Submitted by Steve -------------------------------------------- While this may appear simply as a joke, if you read carefully below, the logic is actually pretty sound. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people w would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. AS ALWAYS - We encourage responsible drinking -=========================================- ARE YOU A PROBLEM THINKER?? - Submitted by Polo ------------------------------ Are YOU a problem thinker? It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another one." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. -=========================================- SO WHO SENT IT??? - Submitted by JSmith ------------------------------- A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited nnd warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line. "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!" -=========================================- Why do golf balls have dimples? The Answer: They're not there just to make the ball look pretty. The dimples on a golf ball actually enable the ball to travel faster and further than a smooth ball of the same size. They allow air to travel around the ball in a way that makes it fly as it would if it were smaller and smooth. So why don't air planes have dimples on them? Because the dimple phenomenon is unique to small round objects traveling at certain speeds. In fact, when the dimpled golf ball travels at high speeds, the dimples don't create any advantage, and when it travels at slow speeds the dimples are disadvantageous to flight. (Main source: "Myth Information" by J. Allen Varasdi.) To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/17/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [Note: I'm not sure the got to everyone, so I'm sending it again] John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. Mary: Are you wearing it now? John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line. Mary: What kind is it? John: Twelve-thirty. -=========================================- A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?" -=========================================- Two young engineers fresh out of college put in applications for an engineering position with a company. Both clients having the exact same qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Department manager to help decide which one to hire. Upon completion of the test, both applicants had missed only one of the questions. After reviewing the tests, the manager decided to speak with the losing applicant first: Manager: Thanks for your interest, but we have decided to give the position to the other applicant. Applicant: Why would you do that? We both got 9 questions correct, why choose the other applicant over me? Manager: We have made our decision not based upon the correct answers, but on the question you missed. Applicant: And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? Manager: Simple. The other applicant put answered "I don't know" for question 5. Your answer was "Neither do I." -=========================================- Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" -=========================================- A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all." -=========================================- Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed. The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed. The Jew requests a plate of strawberries. "STRAWBERRIES ????" "Yes, Strawberries." He is told "But they are out of season !" "So, I'll wait..." -=========================================- Why do grooms have best men? The Answer: According to German folklore, around A.D. 200, if a Germanic Goth couldn't find a wife from within his community, he would go off to a neighboring town and abduct a woman. Often, he would encounter resistance from the woman's family, so the would-be groom took along a good friend. The friend's job was to counter resistance and stand guard during the wedding. This cohort became known as the best man. While this story is folklore, it does have supporting evidence. For example, many older churches, including the Goths', had weapons underneath their altars, presumably to protect against retaliation from the bride's family. (Source: EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas Smith and PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati) -=========================================- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I JUST DID YOU STUPID FUCK!!!!! -=========================================- DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES US District Court Judge Samuel King was weary of jurors not showing up because of the heavy rains that plagued California during the early part of 1986. He decreed: "I hereby order that it cease raining by Tuesday." Shortly after this declaration, the rain stopped - and five years of severe drought fell upon California. In February 1991 Judge King proclaimed, "I hereby rescind my order of February 18, 1986, and order that rain shall fall in California beginning February 27, 1991." Later that same day, February 27, 1991, California saw four inches of rain, the greatest accumulation in a decade. The judge claimed this sudden change in the weather was "proof positive that we are a nation governed by laws." ------ In November 1973 prosecutor Willima Lawler of Madison County, Indiana, won his case for the county against 18 year old Rodney Cummings on burglary charges. The judge sentenced Cummings to three years probation and then apparently Lawler helped young Cummings see the light. Cummings joined the Anderson Police Department, made detective and eventually became a lawyer himself. Was Lawler pleased? Not really. In the November 1994 elections, in a close race, Cummings beat Lawler out of his job and became Madison County's new prosecuting attorney. ------ It is one of the only prisoner filed lawsuits that ever worked out best for the taxpayers. David Earl Dempsey, then 37, an inmate at the Pima County jail in Arizona, filed a lawsuit against prison officials in Feb. 1996 seeking damages for a botched suicide attempt. Dempsey claimed the guards and other officials were negligent in allowing him to have bed sheets in his cell which he used to tie around his neck and jump out a jail window. Obviously Dempsey wasn't a Boy Scout because the knot he tied in the sheet unraveled and he plummeted to the concrete below, injuring himself. Before the case could appear before a judge, Dempsey saved the court and the taxpayers money by attempting suicide a second time and succeeding. -=========================================- One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years." -=========================================- Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired. Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." "No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent." -=========================================- The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." -=========================================- Abe meets his friend Isaac on the street. Isaac: Abe, why are you looking so sad? Abe: It's my son. I sent him off to college, and now he has come back home, all full of Gentile ideas. Where did I go wrong? Isaac: Funny you should mention it! My son, too, has come home from college, with his head all messed up, filled with Gentile ideas...There is but one course open to us. We will ask the Rabbi. So they go to the Synagogue, and obtain an audience with the Rabbi. Both: Rabbi, our two sons, whom we have raised to be devout followers of the Law, have come home from college, full of Gentile ideas. What can we do about it? Rabbi Bernstein: Funny you should mention it! My son also has come back from college, with all sorts of Gentile ideas. I assure you my friends, this problem is beyond human solution. We must go into the place of worship and pray. The three go in and spread their hands in supplication to the Lord. No sooner have they articulated their common lament than the lights go out, the building is filled with cloud and smoke, and a thunderous voice answers them FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT....... -=========================================- Did a real Uncle Sam ever exist? The Answer: We all know Uncle Sam as the bearded character, who, in his red, white and blue outfit represents America, but did a real Uncle Sam ever exist? And if he did, how did he come to be the personification of the United States? Until recently, no one was sure of the origins of the Uncle Sam character, but recent discoveries show that Uncle Sam is based on a man named Samuel Wilson. Wilson was an American patriot who, at age eight, was a drummer boy whose drumming at the sight of redcoats kept the British from advancing on Montgomery during the American Revolution. After the war, Wilson opened a meatpacking business, where his fairness lead people to affectionately refer to him as "Uncle Sam." This reputation for fairness also won Wilson a military contract to provide meat to soldiers during the War of 1812. To indicate which of his crates were meant for the military, Wilson used the initials "U.S."--as in "United States." At the time, however, the abbreviation U.S. had not yet become popularly associated with the United States, so many soldiers assumed that the initials stood for "Uncle Sam." Before long, all government food was said to have come from Uncle Sam, while government issued supplies were said to belong to Uncle Sam, and the soldiers even referred to themselves as Uncle Sam's men. To the army, Uncle Sam represented America. The public at large was introduced to Uncle Sam a little at a time. At first he appeared in newspaper illustrations as a clean-shaven figure wearing a top hat and black tailcoat. Abraham Lincoln inspired the addition of the beard. Cartoonists dressed him in the nation's colors to make him look more patriotic. With each change, Uncle Sam became more national figure and less Samuel Wilson, until few remembered that one was based on the other. (Sources: THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY and PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati) -=========================================- A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen & returned a while later with a sandwich & a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days & nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." -=========================================- A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster "Ok, old fellow its time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens...look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over." So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what young fellow. I'll have a race with you around the farm house. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair I'm going to give you a head start." They line up in back of the farm house , get a chicken to cluck "GO" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!" -=========================================- Why do zippers have the letters "YKK" on them? The Answer: Never noticed this before? Well go grab a pair of pants, or anything with a zipper, and have a look. Chances are, you'll find the letters YKK imprinted on the tab. YKK stands for "Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikikaisha" which means "Yoshida Industries Limited," the name of the company started by Japanese tycoon Tadao Yoshida in 1934. YKK zippers seem to be most popular in the US (where I spent a full day unsuccessfully looking for a zipper that wasn't stamped with its initials) but its zippers are used throughout the world. (Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE column by Cecil Adams) To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/20/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead." The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin." -=========================================- Judge John H. Gillis and two other judges of the Michigan Appellate Court were faced with an interesting lawsuit in which $15,000 was demanded for the pain and suffering - of a tree. The driver of an automobile collided with the plaintiff's "beautiful oak" and severely damaged its bark. The dirver paid the owner $550 for a tree surgeon to help spruce up the tree, but the owner wanted more. Judge Gillis couldn't see how a tree could be compensated for pain and suffering so he rejected the demand, but he was so overcome by the tree's majesty that he penned his decision in rhyme. The court rendered its decision in Fisher v. Lowe (1983) as follows: We thought that we would never see A suit to compensate a tree. A suit whose claim in tort is prest Upon a mangled tree's behest; A tree whose battered trunk was prest Against a Chevy's crumpled crest; A tree that faces each new day With bark and limb in disarray; A tree that may forever bear A lasting need for loving care. Flora lovers though we three, We must uphold the court's decree. Affirmed. -=========================================- In a Houston, Texas, courtroom in April 1994, Arthur Hollingsworth was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store. Hollingsworth waived his constitutional right to remain silent and testified in his own defense. Harris County prosecutor Jay Hileman eventually got Hollingsworth to admit he was, in fact, in the Sun Mart convenience store at the the time of the holdup. Hileman then got Hollingsworth to admit he had taken a gun into the store with him at the time it was robbed. Hileman then moved in for the kill. HILEMAN: "Mr. Hollingworth, you're guilty, aren't you?" HOLLINGSWORTH: "No." HILEMAN: "Mr. Hollingworth, you're guilty, aren't you?" HOLLINGSWORTH: "Yeah." Prosecutor Hileman was stunned. "I couldn't believe it," he said. "I quite after that." When Hollingsworth's trial resumed the following day, the jury, because of his lack of a criminal record, or his amazing honesty, gave the convicted robber only five years in prison. They could have given him life. -=========================================- Why did pirates wear earrings? The Answer: It's believed that pirates, like other sailors, wore earrings to improve their eyesight. While the idea that piercing an ear will improve one's vision might seem like an old wives' tale, acupuncture supports the practice. In acupuncture, thin needles are sometimes inserted into the earlobe to correct vision problems. It seems that pirates began piercing their ears after traveling through the oriental trade routes in the eighteenth century. The acupuncture connection is further supported by the lack of earrings in the pre-eighteenth century depictions of pirates. (Source: HOW DO ASTRONAUTS SCRATCH AN ITCH? by David Feldman) -=========================================- A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!" -=========================================- Does subliminal advertising work? (answer below) =================== New Virtual Gifts: Cindy Crawford and Leonardo DiCaprio Give a virtual date http://www.MailBits.com/VirtualGifts =================== The Answer: That's an interesting question. (Send me money.) The American public was first introduced to the idea of subliminal advertising in 1957 by James M. Vicary. In a press conference announcing the formation of the Subliminal Projection Company, Vicary claimed that he was able to increase sales of popcorn and Coke through the use of subliminal advertising. (Send me lots of money.) According to Vicary, during a six-week test in a movie theater, he was able to drive up sales of popcorn by 57.5% and sales of Coke by 18.1% simply by flashing the slogans "drink Coke" and "eat popcorn" over the movie for 1/3,000th of a second every five seconds. (You want to send me money.) As plausible as his assertions might have been, there was little evidence to support them. (Send me money.) For one thing, Vicary refused to reveal where he conducted his experiment or document it in any meaningful way. What's more, psychologists who performed similar experiments concluded that a subliminal ad was no more compelling than a billboard glimpsed from the corner of the eye. In an effort to vindicate his claim, Vicary agreed to run the subliminal message "telephone now" during a Canadian broadcast. Like other documented cases, the experiment failed. Telephone usage didn't increase noticeably, and not a single viewer guessed Vicary's message. (Send me money.) While neither this experiment nor previous experiments disproved conclusively the effectiveness of subliminal ads, American broadcasters were so convinced of the ineffectiveness of subliminal messages that they simply volunteered not to run them. (You have an urge to send me money.) BTW, If you're still unconvinced and would like to see more research on the subject, you'll be happy to know that I'm running my own little subliminal experiment. I can't tell you about it now, but in the coming weeks I'll reveal my findings. By the way, if you ever need to reach me--for any reason-- my mailing address is: MailBits.com, 110-64 Queens Blvd., Suite 242, Forest Hills, NY 11375, USA. (Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE Column by Cecil Adams) -=========================================- A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain didn't go away. If you've ever had nature hit its your panic button then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, so she should go off in the woods and take care of the situation. No one would even notice he assured her. "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage," he continued. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't start moving. Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to the local hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees." "I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?" -=========================================- Why is it called a "hot dog" if it's not made out of dog? The Answer: The journey of the hot dog from a simple sausage to a staple of the American diet began in 1852 Germany, when the Frankfurt butchers' guild created a long, thin sausage and named it "frankfurter" in honor of their town. Shortly after that, someone noticed that the new sausage looked like a dachshund and started calling it a "dachshund sausage," after the long, thin dog. The name stuck and soon people were calling the frankfurter a dachshund sausage. In 1906, Harry Mosley Stevens, who operated the New York Giant's ice cream and soda concession, decided to add the dachshund sausage to his menu. Stevens realized that in New York's cold spring afternoons the last thing anyone wanted was cold ice cream and that the dachshund sausage, which would stay warm in its skin and warmer still in a roll, was just the thing for his customers. So Stevens had his vendors hawk the sausage, instructing them to sell it by yelling, "They're red hot. Get your dachshund sausages while they're red hot." While attending a game, Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, saw the popularity of Stevens's new food idea and decided to lampoon it in a cartoon. In the cartoon, vendors were selling real dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling "Get your hot dogs!" at each other. As a result, the name "hot dog" caught on, and--after Stevens was able to convince people that it wasn't made out of dog meat--the hot dog became a hit. (Main Sources: THE PEOPLE'S ALMANAC PRESENTS THE 20TH CENTURY by David Wallechinsky, EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas B. Smith, and PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati) -=========================================- Top 13 ways to say a computer geek is dead. 13> Clicked the bucket 12> www.he's-dead,-jim.com 11> Invested in Pointcast 10> Visiting the Chat Tomb 9> No longer able to view the web's hottest women 8> 7> Opened "GOOD TIMES!" 6> Transferred to WWW.HasBecome.Com/post 5> 404ever, Pulse Not Found 4> Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play 3> www.MyFirstCoronary.com 2> Assigned to the Hale Bopp Project and Top5's Number 1 Internet Euphemism for Death... 1> It Doesn't Matter Whether You've Got Mail -=========================================- DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES When Plymouth, Massachusetts, resident Anthony Varrasso received a letter calling him to report to jury duty, he couldn't believe they wanted him. Varrasso was short on experience in dealing with city hall and asked his mother, Lisa Varrasso, for her assistance. Mrs. Varrasso was informed by state officials that the last census form listed Anthony as being 18 years of age, and therefore, he must report for duty or be held accountable. Anthony appeared at the Plymouth Superior Court on the date specified on his summons and looked up at the judge. The judge looked down at him and saw little three year old Anthony nervously holding his mother Lisa's hand. Court officer Nanci Cordiero told Anthony, "You're Anthony? We'd love to have you here, but you're a little too young." The other potential jurors broke out in a spontaneous round of applause for the junior jurist and Cordiero gave Anthony a tour of the court. Massachusetts has been plagued with faulty jury summonses in the past. Among some of the potential jurors selected at random by computer have been pets, dead people and buildings. -=========================================- TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" - Submited by J. Ward O'Brien --------------------------------- "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl accidentally kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill the woman's sister for personal gain." To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/24/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick !" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams ?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well & feel like this." -=========================================- THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME My mother taught me LOGIC Like -- "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My mother taught me MEDICINE Like -- "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My mother taught me ESP Like -- "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE Like -- "Where's your brother and don't talk with food in your mouth. Now answer me!" My mother taught me HUMOR Like -- "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES Like -- "You're grounded and this is what is best for you. You'll thank me one day" (she is still waiting for the thank you) -=========================================- DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES Peter Maxwell of Chino, California is his own boss - literally. He and his wife own 95% of a urethane manufacturing company. Maxwell is also on the payroll as a worker, so Maxwell is both the owner and an employee. Maxwell, the boss, was pretty stingy, however and paid Maxwell the employee, only $10,000 a year. One day when Maxwell the employee, was operating a mixing machine, his sweater became entangled on an exposed bolt and he was pulled into the device, which severely injured him. Maxwell the employee, hired an attorney and sued Maxwell the owner, for negligence and sought damages for his injuries. Maxwell the owner, hired another lawyer to defend the company against the lawsuit. Strangely enough, both Maxwells decided they could settle their dispute out of court and negotiated that Maxwell the owner, should pay Maxwell the employee, $122,500 for his injuries. When the IRS got wind of the deal, it was not pleased. It demanded that Maxwell the employee, pay $64, 185 of the settlement in income tax. It also insisted that Maxwell the owner, cough up $58,500 because he tried to write off the payment to Maxwell the employee, as a business expense. Maxwell was outraged - so was Maxwell. Maxwell the owner, side by side with Maxwell the employee, appealed to the IRS's judgment to the US Tax Court. In 1990, Judge Robert Ruwe ruled that Maxwell the employee, could have the settlement income tax-free and that Maxwell the owner, could deduct $58,500 as a business expense. -=========================================- A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." -=========================================- A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold & the accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone."Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it." -=========================================- Y2KNY: New York "retail designer" Ken Walker says he has spent $500,000 of his own money getting U.S. and international trademark registrations for "01-01-00" -- the "language-independent" depiction of the first day of the next millennium that will be "easily recognized all over the world." He is already licensing the digit sequence to fashion designers to put on T-shirts, clocks, baseball caps, even dinnerware. "The last new millennium wasn't very well-marketed," Walker claims. "Atilla the Hun really screwed up on the distribution. This time, though, I think everyone will get into the hoopla." (UPI) ...But only because the world will grind to a halt when all the computers crash. -=========================================- THE BRITISH vs. THE AMERICANS - Submitted by JStone ___________________________________ In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to the Americans: 1. They speak English. 2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries. 3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee. -=========================================- "The Latest Hit", by Arpad Nemeth, Budapest, Hungary ````````````````````````````````````````````````` The latest hit in Budapest is a T-shirt with the following message: Hiroshima '45 Chernobyl '86 Windows '98 -=========================================- THIS is TRUE for 13 September 1998 Copyright 1998 by Randy Cassingham ------------------------------------------------------------------------- IF THE DRESS DOES NOT FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT: A New York entrepreneur is reporting brisk sales of a doll he created in the likeness of President Clinton. The doll, which wears only boxer shorts, talks when squeezed below the waist. "I'll bomb Baghdad, I'll bomb France, if you'll remove my underpants," the doll might say, or "Oral sex is not adultery." But designer Ted Theise says the gag doll, marketed under the name "Fondle Me Bubba", is "not really anything nasty. If anything, we've probably toned down from the real Bubba." (Reuters) ...Meanwhile Clinton says that if he is forced out of office, he will devote his full time efforts to "finding the real Bubba." HERE DOGGIE DOGGIE DOGGIE DOGGIE: An anonymous millionaire family convinced they own the perfect dog have contracted with Texas A&M University to clone the mutt. The school quoted the family $2.3 million to clone "Missy", an 11-year-old collie-husky mix. The project, dubbed "Missyplicity", was brokered by a San Francisco company, Bio Arts and Research Corp. Lou Hawthorne, BARC's president, says the project is not a joke. "If we're very lucky, we should have puppies within a year," he said. The owners rescued Missy from an animal pound when she was 4 months old. (AP) ...That $2.3 million will look like a bargain after everyone sees what Alpo is going to offer for the endorsement contract. -=========================================- Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night." "Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly. "Well?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'" -=========================================- DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES Michael S. Allen appeared in court wearing the best outfit he had, an olive-green, double-breasted suit, because he wanted to make a good impression on the judge. Allen, then 26, along with an accomplice faced charges of credit card fraud, carrying a concealed weapon, and auto theft in Flint, Michigan. According to Mundy Township Detective Tom Hosie, the gun carried by Allen's alleged partner had been stolen from a Groveland Township home a few weeks earlier. The homeowner had been called to court to testify about the theft of the weapon and happened to see Allen standing outside the courtroom doors. The man walked up to Mundy Township Police Chief David Guigear and Hosie and asked if Allen was involved in the burglary case. The officers asked why the wanted to know, and the man replied, "Because he's wearing my suit." The suit's custom-made lable verified his claim. It was also discovered that, since the suit was a few sizes too large, Allen was wearing a sweat suit underneath the suit to make it fit correctly. -=========================================- Why are horseshoes hung for good luck? The Answer: Many ancient cultures attributed supernatural powers to the horseshoe for a variety of reasons. The Greeks, for example, revered it because it took the shape of a crescent moon, which they regarded as a symbol of fertility. But our modern use of the horseshoe as a symbol of good luck comes from the legend of St. Dunstan. Dunstan was a blacksmith who was approached by a man who wanted to have horseshoes attached to his own feet--which were suspiciously cloven. Immediately realizing that the customer was the devil, Dunstan told him that in order to perform the service, he would have to shackle him to the wall. When the devil agreed, Dunstan made the job so agonizingly painful that the devil begged to be released. But Dunstan wouldn't release the devil until he promised never to enter the house of a Christian, which he would recognize by a horseshoe displayed above the door. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 9/30/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Why do we try to trick our friends on April 1st? The Answer: In the early sixteenth century, France observed New Year's Day on March 25 with celebrations that lasted until April 1. Then, around 1564, King Charles IX adapted the more accurate Gregorian calendar and moved the beginning of the year to January 1. Many Frenchmen, who either didn't know about the change or refused to honor it, continued to hold parties and exchange gifts on April 1. Jokers made fun of these people by sending them frivolous gifts and invitations to non- existent parties. Playing these practical jokes was so much fun that after the calendar change was accepted by all Frenchmen, people made April Fools Day a tradition in its own right. (Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati and EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas Smith) -=========================================- This one is from alt.sysadmin.recovery: > An Earth First! activist was killed Thursday when he was struck in the > head by a falling tree while trying to block logging in a redwood grove. > David Chain, 24, a member of the radical environmental group, was with a > group of protesters who were standing among redwoods marked for logging > when the tree hit him, sheriff's officials said. > A spokeswoman for Pacific Lumber company says its logging crew did not > see anyone in the area and had no idea Chain was standing nearby. -=========================================- A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a coupleof strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." Submitted by: Meyer Wolfson @ mindspring.com -=========================================- DISORDER IN THE COURT Part II - Submitted by Bob Castro ------------------------------- These excerpts from court transcripts are purported to be true. You be the judge! The following are actual statements made during court cases: ***************************** From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. ***************************** Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge to Public Defender: Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. ***************************** Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing. ***************************** [ed: The following two have appeared before. I don't know if they're true]. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you nything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? ***************************** Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): May I adress the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law Against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch. -=========================================- Why is a wedding ring worn on the ring finger? The Answer: The Western practice of wearing a wedding ring on the third finger (not including the thumb) began in Greece in the third century B.C. The Greeks believed that there was a vein, named the "vein of love," that ran from what we now call the ring finger directly to the heart. As a result, they placed the ring that symbolized love on that finger. Later, the Romans, adopting Greek science, copied the custom and took it one step further. Roman physicians used their ring fingers to stir medicine, believing that since the ring finger was connected to the heart, it could detect toxicity. (Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS and THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY) -=========================================- After bragging the strong young man on the construction site could out do anyone in a feat of strength. Especially picking on the older construction workers. "Will you put your money where your mouth is?" an older worker said said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "I'll take that bet." The older worker grabbed the wheelbarrow saying to the young braggert, "All right Get in." -=========================================- Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin." -=========================================- Ben & Jerry's new presidential flavors: - Submitted by Bob Castro ------------------------------------ Ben & Jerry's New Presidential Flavors (For those of you - especially outside of the US, "Ben and Jerry's" is one of the most famous ice cream companies in the US - and is known for creating funny names for their ice cream such as "Cherry Garcia," playing on the name of "Gerry Garcia." THE FLAVORS Double Nut Joy Impeach-Mint Subpoenas 'n' Cream Chubby Cheatin' Hubby Candy Pants Chilly Hillbilly Pants-offio Pistachio Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fatty Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Subpoena Colada Hyperactive Nuts Scandalberry -=========================================- BED AND BREAKFAST II: London's Brixton prison is offering up to 200 people the opportunity to stay overnight. Guests will be required to raise at least 50 pounds (US$83) for charity, and can then check into the recently renovated 19th-century prison for dinner and a cell for the night. The honorary inmates will be awaked at the usual time -- 06:30 -- and will be released after breakfast. "We promise you an informative and fascinating experience, not to be easily forgotten," says prison governor Mike O'Sullivan. (Reuters) ...Guests are strongly advised to decline the turndown service. STUPID NETWORK TRICKS: Spartan Communications, owner of seven television stations, was angry with late night talk show host David Letterman, so it pulled "Late Show With David Letterman" from its lineup for a week and instead sold the air time for "infomercials". After the week was over, the programming director of Spartan's flagship station WSPA in Greenville, S.C., was "surprised" to announce that the hour-long ads received the same Nielsen ratings as Letterman's show. (AP) ...Regular Letterman viewers were upset, however, because they were not lulled to sleep as fast by the infomercials. -=========================================- GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THE CHERRY TREE The new vesion - Submitted by JOHN BOYANCE _______________________________________________ There has been a recent discovery among archives shedding new information regarding George Washington's famous line "I can not tell a lie - I chopped down the Cherry Tree" It seems that someone was hiding nearby during the following discussion and copied this on parchment. HERE's THE STORY ---------------- "George, son, did you chop down the cherry tree?" "No, Dad." "Son, because I trust you and have given you the privilege of running the plantation while I'm gone as a symbol of that trust, I'm going to believe you." SEVEN MONTHS LATER... "George, your brother was talking to one of our slaves, and the slave told him he saw you chop down that cherry tree last winter. Did you?" "No, Dad." "I think you are lying." "No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree." "Son, he saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!" "Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. " What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship. After all, who's going to remember a cherry tree as a symbol of my character and ability to lead?" To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/03/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!" "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!" An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." >From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." -=========================================- Email Facts Of Life 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true. 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin. 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. 4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb 5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter? 6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try: http://www.norton.com/. And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. 7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell. 8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. 9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begineach line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - we've probably already seen it. 10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either. -=========================================- Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc. As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say " Wanna ". I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said, " I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How " He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said... "ME KNOW HOW...ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!" -=========================================- While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said. "Wow," said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em." -=========================================- WANNA DATE MY DAUGHTER - Submitted by William Conway ------------------------------- When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex mithout utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules? -=========================================- During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!"..... -=========================================- A Marine walks in the restroom and sees a Sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The Marine says, "It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you take a piss." The sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I'd have to do is take off my hat."To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/12/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Poll: Should I send out _long_ or _short_ digests? Your welcome to ignore this, if you wish. I'd just like to know whether the people on the list would rather have the jokes sent less frquently, and in longer format (sorta like it is now), or more often, and in a shorter format. The more frequently I send, the newer the stuff will be. I'd appreciate your feedback on this, so please respond. -= Shalom -=========================================- I have a job that processes book orders that people have placed by mail. Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves. Here are three that have kept us laughing: One order for two books- 1. "How to win every argument" 2. "Conversations with God" Another order- "For My Only True Love" Note-please send three copies Last order for four books- "Getting along with mean people" "How not to be mean" "How to stay lovers for life"-two copies please -=========================================- FAMOUS QUOTES In The end, it's all politics =============================== 1. "Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know!'." -- Kenneth Starr, 1987, Sixty Minutes interview with Diane Sawyer 2. From the editorial page of the Arkansas Gazette "Yes, the president should resign. He's lied to the American people time and time again and betrayed their trust. Since he has admitted guilt, there's no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term. The only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign." This is a quote during the Nixon investigation by William Jefferson Clinton. He should heed his own advice. -=========================================- * Reading, Pa., county controller Judith Kraines complained at a commissioners' meeting in January about having to type letters and do other business on a typewriter because her computer was old and no one had been able to get it to work for two years. "If we had a computer," she said, "letters would go out faster." Three days later, she announced that the computer she was complaining about in fact had not been plugged in to any electrical outlet and that when the plug was inserted and the computer was turned on, it worked fine. (This was luser of the year, but no potential replacement has come in for this year.) -=========================================- According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service. -=========================================- YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!! A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" (THANKS TO: Rick Estep @ Humor From The Edge) -=========================================- Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee." -=========================================- A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the lawyer was anxious to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. -=========================================- [ed: There really hasn't been any good jokes lately, so here a list of quotes] I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?" -- Lewis Grizzard After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' -- Ronnie Shakes We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. -- Benjamin Franklin Live long and prosper. - Vulcan proverb and eat well. - Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb feast on your enemies! - Klingon interpretation of Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail. -- Abraham H. Maslow "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!" -- Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. -- Steve Landesberg -=========================================- Boss: I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business hours. Employee: My hair grows during business hours. Boss: But it doesn't all grow during business hours. Employee: I didn't get it all cut. -=========================================- [ed: Here are some CONFIRMED (by CNN or authorities) Darwin Award nominees] "Darwin Awards are dedicated to those idiots who were dumb enough to take themselves out of the gene pool." 1. "This is a little late, but amusing none the less. This is a story about an idiot in Oceanside California, Late December 96. The URL is the newspaper clipping, But it doesn't tell everything. This guy goes to a Hometown Buffet with probably 6 or 7 police/sheriff's cars in the parking lot, There was some training on Camp Pendleton and probably 15-20 Federal and State law enforcement agent had carpooled to the restaurant for dinner. Well, our hero, walks past all the cop cars in front, inside the restaurant, and attempts to rob it. The table closest all stands up and draws on him, and the rest of the marshals at the nearby tables move for cover, and they tell the man to drop the gun etc., numb nuts gets a flash of courage or whatever, and gets capped. I was a Marine at Camp Pendleton at the time, and my roommate worked there, he wasn't working the night of the incident, but I talked to two of his coworkers the next week who were there that night, they all had a good laugh over this guy." ######### 2. A Brazilian thief was killed when the grenade he was carrying blew up in his hands while he was being pursued by police, authorities said. Police said Omar da Silva Firmo, 36, was killed instantly when he tried to hurl the grenade at policemen who were chasing him and three accomplices after they robbed a bank in Guarulhos, 12 miles (20 KM) northeast of Sao Paulo, of about $28,000. ``It was a tragedy, but he dropped it on himself,'' police investigator Roberto Moreira da Silva said. Firmo's three accomplices were captured and suffered minor injuries, police reported. ######### 3. As of March 2, 1998 Body of pyromaniac discovered in burned-out stolen van By Meredith Raine TRIBUNE-REVIEW (PITTSBURGH) Randall Nestor had played with fire before. In the late 1980s, the Lawrenceville man was convicted on multiple counts of car theft and arson, Pittsburgh police Comdr. Dom Costa said Tuesday. "He was notorious for this sort of thing," Costa said. "Randy was always prone to trouble. He'd steal cars, strip them, then set them on fire and push them over the hill." On Sunday, police discovered the body of the 28-year-old Nestor in a burned-out van that had been hot-wired and driven to Gold Way in Oakland. In those early morning hours after he left a Ross Township bar, police said, Nestor apparently stole the van, removed musical equipment, then planned to set the van ablaze and abandon it before the flames became too intense. But he couldn't escape the fire. There was no handle on the inside of the driver's side door. Nestor was overcome by smoke before he could escape another way, Sgt. Paul Marraway of the city homicide division said. Two men who were following Nestor watched the flames build in the back of the van, Marraway said. They tried to help Nestor, but the van doors were locked. The Allegheny County Coroner's Office ruled that Nestor died from smoke inhalation. "It's sad to say, but you live by the sword and die by the sword," Costa said. Nestor's family couldn't be reached yesterday. Costa said Sunday wasn't the first time Nestor had set a stolen vehicle on fire while driving it. "He took a car once and was driving it down Butler Street while it was on fire," Costa said. "Somebody testified to that in court." Sometimes Nestor even used an accelerant to fuel the fire, Costa said. Police are investigating whether the van stolen Sunday was doused with flammable liquids before it was set ablaze. Costa was assigned to the city's arson squad in the late 1980s when he came to know Nestor and his pyromaniacal tendencies. "I asked him once why he set the cars on fire, and he told me he thought it helped the owners collect their insurance money," Costa said. A little more than a year ago, Nestor asked Costa if he would give him a reference for a job as a mechanic. Costa said he took that as a sign that after almost a decade of run-ins with police, Nestor was trying to turn his life around. "I thought he'd learned his lesson," Costa said. "Guess I was wrong." Marraway said Nestor and two or three other men stole the van shortly after 2 a.m. Sunday from Oregon Bar on Babcock Boulevard in Ross Township. The men unloaded roughly $10,000 worth of band equipment from the van before Nestor died in the fire, Marraway said. The stolen equipment was recovered at the residence of one of the men suspected in the theft, he said. Ross Township police are investigating the case, and will decide whether to charge the men who were with Nestor the night he died. Diane Schaub [ed: This was getting a *little* long, so I'm continuing it next issue.] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 15/10/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [continued from last week...] 4. I have been the prosecuting attorney in Kettering Ohio for 23 years. within the past 3 years the following have occurred: young man enters an all night convenience store with a starter's pistol which is capable of only shooting blanks, and which was in fact loaded with .22 cal blanks. the store clerk jumped the would-be robber and wrestled the gun away from him. the clerk then held the bad guy at gun point (the starter pistol) until the police were summoned. the robber reportedly begged the clerk "please don't shoot!" ######### 5. (The following is taken verbatim from our local newspaper "The Pacific Daily News" a Gannet Newspaper. 3/24/98 edition p 9) MANILA - A World War II bomb dug up by treasure hunters exploded Sunday when the men pounded on it with a hammer to try to open it. Five people were killed, officials said. Police said the men dug up the bomb along with empty bomb shells last month in the town of Teresa in Rizal province, 22 miles east of Manila. The men stored the two-foot bomb and shells in a house. They tried to open the explosive by pounding on it with a hammer, police and local radio said. Maybe they should of tried a blow torch instead?? ######### 6. Friend of mine was in the Air Force, and happened to be stationed at one of the ICBM bases out in Kansas or somewhere. Anyway, one day during some routine maintenance, a guy working in the silo was testing out the manual release on the silo doors. Well, if you consider how big these doors are and how heavy solid concrete is... well, you get the idea. The method they use to manually open these doors is basically a large (read: fucking HUGE) bolt attached to the door mechanism. To move this bolt, you need what amounts to a really, really big ratchet. These ratchets have really, really, really big sockets. Apparently all was not going well for the poor guy, who was struggling to get the ratchet to budge the nut when the whole contraption slipped out of his hands. Mind you, he's standing on top of the silo at this point. The socket comes loose, and falls down the silo. Pretty heavy socket. Pretty big hole it rips in the side of the missile... down around the bottom 1/3 of the missile. Which was full of fuel. Which is now leaking out of the missile at a rather fast rate. OK, picture time. We've got one (closed) missile silo, with hundreds of thousands of gallons of (highly flammable) rocket fuel spilling out, filling up the silo. Now, these rockets aren't made with the thickest skin on them (engineers can't be expected to plan for people carelessly dropping sockets down large holes, I don't imagine) so when all the fuel escapes, you're left with the heavy warhead at the top of the missile. The fuel acts as a kind of stabilizing agent with the pressure pressing on the metal... take away that pressure, and the missile might collapse on itself. Fumes start overtaking the area, so everyone evacuates the silo. As the chain of command starts working and more people become aware of the situation at hand, it just so happens one of the Air Force's generals is on location for one reason or another. He learns of the incident, and immediately assumes command of the potentially nuclear situation. He instructs four individuals to suit up (with protective gear to save them from the toxic fumes of the fuel) and 'go in there'. Keeping in contact via 2-way radio from a 'safe' distance (mind you there is a nuke in there!) he has the team relay what they see. As they enter the silo, the can hardly see because the fumes are so thick... when one mentions something about the exhaust fan they can turn on... the general thinks this is a great idea and tells the team to find the switch and turn on the fan... a short while later they locate the switch, flick it, and *poof*! No more team. You see, when you complete a circuit with a light switch, many times you get a spark... although very small, it was enough to light the fumes.... Which was enough to reach the big pool of fuel at the bottom of the silo. Which created such an explosion, the 2' thick concrete doors on the silos were blown off. Some parts as far away as 2 miles. Fortunately, the nuke didn't go off. (I'd guess it'd have to be ######### 7. Corona, California Early one morning, about 2am, the California Highway Patrol is doing its rounds. As the officer is taking the interchange ramp from the 91 freeway eat onto the I15 north, he sees a large hole in the concrete barrier. You have to understand that this is a massive freeway interchange with the highest ramp over 175 feet above the ground with various industrial buildings below. The curved ramp in question is about 100 feet high with the Santa Fe Railway mainline running beneath. The officer quickly stops, turns on his flashers, and backs up to where the hole is. He gets out of his patrol car, walks over to the edge and see's a burning motorcycle laying next to the railroad tracks. Reinforcements were called, and shortly thereafter began arriving below at the scene of the "accident". The investigation begins as soon as the fire department extinguished the motorcycle and it quickly begins apparent that there is no body to found anywhere. The police went as far as searching the roofs of nearby building just in case there was, in fact, a body to be found. No carcass was to be found anywhere and it was about to be written up as a creative way of abandoning an unwanted motorcycle. Four days later the highway patrol receives a call from the Santa Fe Railway. Some Santa Fe employees in a railroad yard had found a broken body on top of a train clothed in riding leathers and a motorcycle helmet... According the the official California Highway Patrol report, our Darwin Award nominee was cruising along on his motorcycle doing about 150-170 mph . As he was going around the curved ramp from the 91 freeway east to I15 north, he lost control and went through the concrete barrier plunging to his death about 100 feet below. Upon impacting the roof about midway through a moving freight train, our Darwin nominees body shattered and the motorcycle exploded and bounced to the ground where it was found. This was explained by the large dent in the roof of the railcar. This one is very true because I have read the railroads official report on the incident. I travel across this ramp quite often and the concrete patch job on the barrier is quite visible. I always get a good laugh when I see it. What made me think of this again and write it up was an event that occurred just this Saturday night, June 13, 1998. I was headed home about 11:45pm this Saturday night when I had to detour around the ramp from the I15 north to the 91 east because it had been blocked off by the CHP. I saw the flashing red lights of some fire trucks next to a broken barrier. I learned on the news this Sunday morning that I had been inconvenienced by the two latest Darwin Nominees. Seems that two teenagers (ages 14 and 16) had stolen a motorcycle and launched themselves of this ramp at about 100 mph. They impacted a wall of a factory. The scenes they showed on the news of the wall were quite bloody. The ironic thing is that it was the wall of a pillow factory. These were teenagers so they qualify for the Darwin Award since they did not have the opportunity to reproduce. I have not seen this in my local paper so if someone with the resources would please confirm it. ######### 8. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes -- a billion-to-one shot, at least." ######### 9. Associated Press, 06/12/98 12:50 OSLO, Norway (AP) - A woman imitating Rose's deckside suicide try in the Oscar-winning ``Titanic'' lost her grip on a ferry's railing and plunged into the ocean off western Sweden, a newspaper reported Friday. The woman vanished and is presumed dead, Oslo's Dagbladet newspaper said. She was identified only as a Norwegian in her 30s. ######### 10. In the early spring of 1994, a man and a rented steam roller had a meeting. Our local genius, in or near Ashtabula if I remember right, had finished his work and was loading this multi-ton piece of equipment back onto its' trailer. Once he got to the ground he was dissatisfied with its' placement and attempted to adjust it. From the ground. Yes, he reached up from the ground and tried to operate the steam roller from where he could see where it sat on the trailer. He really should have paid more attention to the controls. He actually managed to drive the machine off the trailer and onto himself. I think he was trying to back it up and accidently knocked it into drive or vice versa but I can't remember exactly. -=========================================- LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. LAWYER: It was covered? WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged. LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see? WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..." WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God." CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." WITNESS: That's right. CLERK: Repeat it. WITNESS: "Repeat it". CLERK: No! Repeat what I said. WITNESS: What you said when? CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give." CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and." CLERK: Say: "Nothing...". WITNESS: (Witness remains silent.) CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: Yes. CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."? WITNESS: Yes. CLERK: Well? Do so. WITNESS: You're confusing me. CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: Is that all? CLERK: Yes. WITNESS: Okay. I understand. CLERK: Then say it. WITNESS: What? CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: But I do! That's just it. CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth! CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth". WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now? CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words. WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth." CLERK: Thank you. WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar. -=========================================- A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize." To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/16/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Hello again! I'd just like to thank those who answered my question, and I'd REALLY like to thank those who didn't. So I'm going to start shortening the digest. It will be about 1/3 or 1/4 of what it used to be. -= Shalom -=========================================- At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police." -joohh ******** Seen on a truck: "I am as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!" -Kathryn J. Davis ******** In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment Responsibility Attitude Persistance." -Josh Forman ******** Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. -Karen Case ******** A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera." -Michael Silcock ******** While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring." -James Kelly ******** A sign on the backbar- Earl's Bar-Indiana "A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey." -Jorj Maharg ******** At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions." -Alicia Villarrea ******** SEEN ON A BILBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers ed." -LTLRDNK -=========================================- Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The Answer: Don't ever say that I shy away from the tough questions. If ever there was a man who wasn't afraid to tackle the questions that have perplexed humanity for centuries it's your buddy Tom. Today's trivia is just another example of that commitment. According to scientists, the chicken evolved from the archaeopteryx (AHR-kee-OP-tar-ix), the creature said to be the evolutionary transition between reptiles and birds. Since this animal existed before the chicken and since it laid eggs, the egg came first. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/19/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Scientists at NASA developed a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl and to test the strength of the windshields in collisions at maximum velocity. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Appropriate intergovernmental arrangements were made and the gun was shipped to England. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the "shatterproof" shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken." -=========================================- [ed: this is a little lame, but I'm a die-hard Star Wars fan] It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. .. . . Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/21/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!" -=========================================- As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor. -=========================================- "Silent Cal" Coolidge may have been the least voluble of all U.S. presidents. He was very well known to be a man of few words. Once, a reporter said to him: "I have a wager on with the boys back at the paper, who bet me I couldn't get you to say three words to me!" Coolidge: "You lose." To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/22/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read: "Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C. All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental. WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question. NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over. -=========================================- Is it true that a duck's quack doesn't echo? The Answer: This one has myth written all over it, but you'd be amazed by how many emails I get suggesting that I amaze my readers with the "fact" that a duck's quack won't echo. How absurd. It's true that sound waves can cancel each other out. It's called "destructive interference" and it happens when sound waves of the same amplitude collide in such a way that the maximum positive amplitude of one wave coincides with the maximum negative amplitude of the other wave. But how could this consistently happen with all quacks and echoes in uncontrolled situations? It can't and it doesn't. To verify that a duck's quack does echo (can you believe that people had to actually take the time to debunk this foolishness), two Michigan researchers grabbed a duck and took it to an environment that's conductive to reflective sound. When the duck quacked, as expected, the sound echoed. (Sources: THE STRAIGHT DOPE column by Cecil Adams and The Concise Columbia Encyclopedia) To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/27/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: (JAPAN) More than 13,000 people formed a nearly 9-mile long human chain around a U.S. military base in Okinawa on Sunday to dramatize their demands for the return of land on the southern island. Although intimidated by the demonstration, base officials took the opportunity to test the theory of electrical conductivity by wiring the human chain to a series of arc welders. In related news, bewildered commanders had no explanation for a massive cloud of acrid smoke above the U.S. military base in Okinawa. -=========================================- What's the origin of the coin toss? The Answer: Ever notice how handy a coin can be in making a tough decision. Have a dispute with a friend over who should get his way? Well just toss a coin in the air and when it comes down you'll have your answer. Heads you win, tails he loses (or something like that). Today we generally use a coin toss to decide trivial matters, but it originated as a way of making major decisions. Centuries ago, before the Magic 8 Ball, the Ouija board, and advice columnists, people used to believe that important decisions should be left up to the gods. To get the gods' opinions, they devised all sorts of clever methods. One of these methods was the coin toss. The idea behind the toss is that after you throw the coin in the air, the gods will make sure that the proper side lands upright. -=========================================- A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?" "That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you idiot?" To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/27/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the 'Obits' page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous.. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?" Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Jake. open the newspaper to page 31." "Why, what's in the paper?" "Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!" "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?" "Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?" "Jake, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!" "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?" -=========================================- Why do little kids always ask stupid questions like, "Why is the sky blue?" Don't they know anything? Stupid little kids! You don't see me asking pointless questions. --Jamie Bronstad Like my father always said: "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and I'll give you something to cry about, you little bastard." --Isaac Hodnett If I ever got to drive a 'Big Rig' truck, I think it would be fun to sleep in those back bunks, but I bet it would be even more fun to watch the truck careen driverless down the highway. --Kermit Woodall If all rain were acid rain, I'd re-write that song, "Singing in the Rain", and call it "Screaming in the Rain." --Steven Sugg I saw this crowd of people the other day and about half of them were women. I mean, what are the odds of that? They gotta be like one in two. --Mark Niebuhr I think probably the best place to be during an earthquake would be bungie-jumping. --Andrea Judson Women: Ya can't live with 'em, ya... well, I guess I probably could live with 'em. I think I've only got half a problem here. --Eryk Nielsen Sometimes when it's raining really, really hard outside and I'm inside, I want to find the guy who invented buildings and give him a big kiss. Not a big wet kiss, though, because that would defeat the purpose. --R.M. Weiner My wife gave me a nose hair clipper for my birthday. I guess she finally realized that wasn't a moustache. --Lee Entrekin Is it just me, or does "once upon a time" sound intentionally vague? --Alisa Meadows The other day I was narrowly missed a head-on collision with another car, and just like they say, my life flashed before my eyes. Now I carry a big bag of popcorn in my car for just such occasions. --Chris Collins Every time I go to a restaurant that serves chicken fingers or buffalo wings, I think, "Man, here's yet another example of genetic engineering gone terribly awry." --Dave Henry Sometimes while I'm sitting in the dark just a-rockin' with the headphones on, I think, "Man, I should get a stereo so I can plug these things in." --Bill Ervin What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts. --Michael Hayward You can tell a lot about a man from the kind of underwear he wears. Like the guy who wears silk boxers on his head -- that guy's probably nuts. --Paul Paternoster To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/29/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded.... "If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'" -=========================================- A truck driver who has been delivering radio-active waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He then seeks to be compensated for this ailment. Appearing at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that's right all lead Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning. -=========================================- ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS: Do not use while sleeping. ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP, IT SAYS: Directions: Use like regular soap. I HAVE A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME THAT READS: Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head. ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING Product will be hot after heating ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON Do not iron clothes on body ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE Do not drive car or operate machinery ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) Warning: may cause drowsiness ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE Warning keep out of children ON A STRING OF CHINESE-MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS For indoor or outdoor use only. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR Not to be used for the other use ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS Warning: contains nuts ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 10/31/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: This is suppose to be a true story… well they say fact is stranger then fiction. It was a typical cold night outside Fairbanks, Alaska, when Officer Mike Smith noticed a car’s headlights peering out from a roadside snowbank— a fairly routine sight in Alaska in the winter. Smith lit a flare and started down to give assistance. Then he realized that the inebriated driver had no idea he was wedged into an embankment. He must have thought he was in a heck of a blizzard because he was staring intently at the snow ahead, driving for all he was worth. His foot was on the gas, and the rear tires were spinning as the car slid slightly from side to side. Smith couldn’t resist: He positioned himself just behind the driver’s side window and began to run in place. He rapped on the glass with his flashlight. The driver did a perfect double take and sped up; so did Smith. Sprinting in place, Smith again tapped the window. This time the driver relented and "stopped" his car. When the driver’s case came before the magistrate, the judge asked, "Are you guilty as charged?" The man looked forlornly at the judge and said, "I must be, your honor. The officer chased me down on foot!" -=========================================- Question: Why do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas? Answer: Because oct31=dec25. -=========================================- CONFUCIUS SAY: "Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired." "Passionate kiss like spider web - soon lead to undoing of fly." "Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!" "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok." "Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked around." "Baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk!" "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it." "War not determine who right. War determine who left." "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse." "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!" "It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it." "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" "Man who live in glass house should change in basement." "Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand" "Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/3/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The village busybody and supervisor of village morals, accused a workman of having reverted to drink because "with her own eyes" she had seen his pick-up truck parked outside the village tavern. The accused made no defense, but that evening he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night. -=========================================- SHORT FINAL... We can't verify this story, but it seems that aircrews are getting more resourceful about supplementing their incomes... An AVweb reader reports that, while sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight." After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit. -=========================================- Rumor has it that FedEx and UPS are in secret negotiations to merge after the strike is settled -- the new company will be known as "FedUp." Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape. ... Net'n'yahoo. ... It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters ... Intel Aviv. There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/4/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Why is blue considered a boy's color? The Answer: Blue is considered a boy's color because our ancestors were deathly afraid of evil spirits! To prevent these spirits from entering the bodies of their male children, parents dressed them in blue. Blue was chosen because it's the color of the sky and was therefore associated with heavenly spirits. Girls weren't dressed in blue, apparently because people didn't think that evil spirits would bother with them. Eventually, however, girls did get their own color: pink. Pink was chosen because of an old English legend which said that girls were born inside of pink roses. (Sources: EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas Smith and IMPONDERABLES by David Feldman) -=========================================- The doctor entered the waiting room. "I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas." "Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss." "The doctor said, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas." -=========================================- One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey. --Jim Rosenberg You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said, "Parking Fine." --Tommy Cooper Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he's always asking to borrow your bass boat. --Bill Hewins If I owned a ceiling fan company, I would have a model called the "Dion" because then you could own the ceiling Dion fan. You got to jump on these things when the market is hot. --Richard Marek I remember the days of youth -- running through fields of clover, barefoot and carefree; playing in the rain, naked and innocent; riding with my head out the window of my parents' car, the wind blowing through my hair... no, wait... that was my dog, Cookie. I was the one who had to stay after school and finish my math homework. Yeah, I remember now... --Lee Entrekin If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!!" --Jennifer A. Ford To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/5/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world." -=========================================- The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her, he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to a rapturous applause... Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience. Finally, out comes Johhny, in a checked shirt, and bib overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says... "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'" -=========================================- The following are from actual company memos or remarks to the press: "As of tomorrow, employess will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." - (Microsoft Corp.) "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." - (Lykes Lines manager) "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." - (United Parcel Service Advertising/marketing) "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day. We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." - (3M Research and Development) "Teamwork is alot of people doing what I say." - (Citrix Systems, Inc, Marketing Executive) "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." - (AT&T Long Lines Division) To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/6/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: [From alt.sysadmin.recovery, with the ">" chars removed:] Hmm, now there's an idea for a computer security class: Instructor: "Your grade is stored on this ostensibly secure system. Your grade will be whatever you can change it to by the end of finals week. All of your grades are currently 'F'." -=========================================- Can you tell how a general died from a statue of him on horseback? The Answer: According to popular belief, if a general is depicted on horseback in a statue, you can tell how he died by the number of the horse's legs that are above ground. If the horse is depicted with no legs in the air, then the rider died of natural causes. If the statue shows one of the horse's legs in the air, then the general was wounded in battle. If the horse had two legs in the air, then the rider died in battle. As valid as this belief sounds, there doesn't seem to be any truth to it. In researching whether such a code exists, Ed Zotti, author of the trivia book KNOW IT ALL, pulled pictures of horse statues from all over the world and compared the way the rider died with the number of legs his statue's horse had in the air. Zotti's research showed that there was absolutely no connection between the two. So much for that belief. (Source: KNOW IT ALL by Ed Zotti) -=========================================- YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!! I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a nonrenewable resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree... "With the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century." There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and decrease in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably have to deal with the issue. It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles. Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help... PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY Follow these simple suggestions: (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. (2) Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights. (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling. (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile. (6) Stop flipping pancakes Any other suggestions for ways to conserve this precious natural resource will be appreciated. Please e-mail all of your gravity conservation tips and ideas to. This is *not* a joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/7/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute. So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock ( as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself. Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete". The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers. Life does teach some lessons the hard way. -=========================================- Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!" -=========================================- Driver Education Exam Answers The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 8/11/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: FORE! Richard Passwater, 30, of Salt Lake City, Utah, was golfing in Laverne, Calif. On the fourth hole, his swing clipped a fence, tearing off the club's head. As the shaft swung around, it pierced his lower abdomen; the tip came out his back. His golfing partner helped him back to the clubhouse, and Passwater, still fully conscious, was airlifted to a hospital to remove the impaled club. In good spirits afterward, the golfer has asked doctors to return his club. "It still has a few good swings left," he said. (UPI) ..."Golf is a good walk spoiled." --Mark Twain (1835-1910), U.S. author and humorist. [From "THIS is TRUE for 1 November"] -=========================================- Excuse me sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT, because if it leaks to the VC, he could end up MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP. -- Robin Williams in "Good Morning, Vietnam" I never exaggerate. I just remember big. -- Chi Chi Rodriguez The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires. -- Dorothy Parker Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher "Why yes -- a bulletproof vest." -- James Rodges, his final request before the firing squad "The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a little." --Porterfield "To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I have done it a thousand times." --Mark Twain [From "The Daily Quote"] -=========================================- >>What do you suppose will happen when they find the gene responsible for >>homosexuality and are able to detect it in the womb?? Think that might >>impact the homo population? Just a thought. >Does that mean you'd suddenly support _certain_ abortions? As a matter of fact, what would happen if they found the gene responsible for stupidity, and based abortions on that? The Usenet population would drop like a fuckin' stone come 2025. [From the Usenet newsgroup alt.humor.best-of-usenet] -=========================================- [ed: Sorry about the mess, I had to reformat a VERY long thread...] Here's Mr and Mrs Uxbox and their daughter Lynne. What a lovely red hat she's wearing! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 'Chelle Script and her charming sister Pearl. Followed closely by Mr and Mrs Larris, with their lovely daughter Sue. She'd better be careful not to fall over with those high-heels, you can see she's having to move slowly. The Dowes family are here - sadly not with their daughter Wyn as she crashed on the way. Bzzt! Deviation into imaginary names. And to compound matters please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Tair's-Fallen-Over-Again and their son Al. I do believe it's Mrs Quota, but I don't see her husbnd Phil. I must have gone past him a while ago. Oooh, and who's this? It's the lovely Lyn Klist and Bubbles Ort, with their helpful friend Mac Roe! Oh dear, what's happened to Dec Laration, limping in with his leg in a cast? He always was a dodgy type of character... And why is Bubbles looking jealous? Ah, here comes Marge Sort, the daughter of Mrs Gorithm and her husband Al. Now please welcome Mr and Mrs Uptable, with their son Luke. What an array of people we have here tonight! [From alt.humor.best-of-usenet] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/11/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: I would like to send this message to my neighbors. That wasn't an earthquake you felt last Sunday. I am happy to announce I now have nuclear weapons. --Dennis Miller [From "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"] -=========================================- Why is 13 considered an unlucky number? The Answer: Many people believe that fear of the number thirteen goes back to the Last Supper. Jesus and his apostles numbered thirteen at that meal, and within a day Jesus was crucified. Truth is though, that this superstition predates the Last Supper, going back at least to Norse mythology. According to Norse tradition twelve gods were invited to a banquet at Valhalla. Loki, the evil god, wasn't invited to this party but crashed it anyway, bringing the number of guests to thirteen. During the evening, Loki, always looking to cause destruction, shot the god Balder with a mistletoe arrow, killing a favorite of the gods. As a result of this story, the number thirteen became a source of anxiety for people. By the time Jesus began preaching, the superstition had already been established, but the Last Supper reinforced it. (Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati) [From "MailBits.com Trivia Questions"] -=========================================- An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a non- optimist) sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. Let me illustrate what I mean . . . An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim." [From The "Mark Moshe Kays" List]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/15/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Why is Friday the thirteenth regarded with such dread? The Answer: The Norse, whose mythology gave us fear of the number thirteen, are also responsible for the anxiety over Friday the thirteenth. Friday gets its name from Frigg, the Norse goddess of the heavens. When Norse tribes dropped their polytheistic religion in favor of Christianity, they began vilifying Frigg, calling her a witch. In their attempts to malign the goddess who used to represent love and fertility, people began to make up stories about her. In one tale, the deserted goddess was said to convene weekly meetings with eleven other witches and the devil--a total of thirteen participants. During these meetings, which naturally took place on "Frigg's day" or Friday, Frigg and her cohorts would hatch evil plots for the following week. As a result of this story, Friday became known as the "Witches' Sabbath" and Friday the thirteenth was especially feared. (Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati) [From "MailBits.Com Trivia Questions"] -=========================================- Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths. We are not vouching for their authenticity - only their humor. JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK -------------------- A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him. ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS --------------------- Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. TAKE NOVOCAINE --------------- Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE -------------------------- George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. POOR SUCKER -------------- Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. CHECK THE PULSE FIRST ----------------------- In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. FRAUD DOESN'T PAY ------------------- A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. [From the "JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.COM" mailing list] -=========================================- The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said." [From Keith Sullivan's mailing list] -=========================================- He-- It's coming up on your birthday and I'd like some idea of what you would like for your birthday. She-- I want a divorce!! Pause-- He-- I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much. [From rec.humor.funny.reruns] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/15/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A guy goes to see his rabbi, and tells him he desperately wants to be a Kohain. The rabbi gently explains to him that it doesn't work like that. The guy is having none of _that_. He pulls out his check book and says he is prepared to make a _large_ contribution. "Oh," says the rabbi. "Well, that's different." The transaction is concluded and the man is pronounced a Kohain. They sit down to shmooze and the rabbi asks him why it is so important that he be a Kohain. "Oh," says the guy. "My father was a Kohain..." [From "Ziggy's Joke of The Day"] -=========================================- On Thu, 12 Nov 1998, Kimberly Chapman wrote, without the least grovelling: > > Carla Miriam Levy wrote in message ... >>Look, some of you fellas have said enough "women do this, women do that" >>things on this froup, and had me, or Kimberly, or JustMe, come back >>with "well, *I* don't do that" that you ought to start to see that the >>generalizations just don't hold up. > > 'Course, Carla, we rhod chickies are pretty awesome compared to the > normal slop of society. ;) We should start a gang. The Rhod Chickies. > And anyone else who calls us "chickies" gets punched in the mouth. >:) I can see the interview already: Journalist: "So, you're the Rhod Chickies..." *WHAM* Kimberly: "Don't call us that!" J: "Argh... ow... ok, ok. So, who are you?" K: "We're the Rhod Chickies, and don't you forget that!" J: "The Rhod Chickies? But..." *WHAM* K: "I told you!" J: "Ungh... *spit out tooth* uhh... so, er, what are you doing?" K: "We want everybody to know that the Rhod Chickies are pretty awecome compared to the normal slop of society." J: "But are you? I mean, with a name like Rhod Chickes, won't..." *WHAM* K: "Tsk, tsk. Will you never learn?" J: "*spit out teeth* *swipe away blood* argh... oof... surely you can't get popular by decking anybody who says 'Rhod Chickie'... whoops" *WHAM* [Short pause while the Journalist comes to again. Kimberly, as usual, looks smugly and exceedingly sexy.] J: "This is J. Ournalist signing off from KaCee's Pub and the amazing new phenomenon, the Rhod Chickies... ARRG" *WHAM* K: "Our name. And ours alone." [From alt.humor.best-of-usenet] -=========================================- THEM TOO: The Japanese Atomic Energy Research Institute and the Kansai Paint Company have developed "smart" paint that can warn of structural problems in buildings and airplanes. The paint sends out electrical signals if the underlying structure begins to crack, allowing engineers to remedy the situation before catastrophic failures occur. "Potentially, the paint can be applied to all kinds of metals, ceramics and concrete," said researcher Shigenori Egusa. (Reuters) ...If they can develop makeup that lets men know when their wives are about to crack, they may have something. [From THIS is TRUE for 8 November] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/18/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: You have to admit, US bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, the bombs are better-educated than the average high-school graduate. I mean, at least they can find Iraq." -=========================================- >BTW, the sequel, "I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer", opens today. > >But shouldn't the proper title be, "I Know What You Did Summer Before Last"? Or there could be a completely different event and the movie could be entitled: I Know What You Did Last Spring We could have a psychic killer I Know What You Did Next Summer We could have the apathetic killer Who Gives a Shit What You Did Last Summer? The teen sex/horror film I Know Who You Did Last Summer Paranoia Everyone Knows What I Did Last Summer The possibilities are, not endless, but pretty damn large. [From alt.humor.best-of-usenet] -=========================================- How was the potato chip invented? The Answer: Potato chips were invented in 1853 by a chef who was trying to get revenge on a complaining diner. At the elegant Moon Lake Lodge in Saratoga Springs, New York, a customer found chef George Crum's French fries too thick and sent them back for a thinner batch. Obligingly, Crum cut his potatoes thinner the second time, but the customer refused them again. Frustrated this time, Crum decided to teach the diner a lesson by cutting his French fries so thin that they couldn't be stabbed with a fork. To his surprise, the diner loved the thin chips and didn't mind getting his hands dirty while eating them. Crum was even encouraged to open his own restaurant. When he did, Sarasota Chips, as they appeared on the menu, were the house specialty and they attracted the era's rich and famous. The invention of the mechanical potato peeler in the 1920s, allowed Crum to mass-produce his chips, sending them on the road to becoming a staple of the couch potato's diet. (Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati) [From MailBits.Com Trivia Questions] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/18/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." [From "Jokesrus" mailing list] -=========================================- SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES 1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but of course they do not wish to soil their hands. You might call that type "Dick Tator." 2. Some people never seem to be motivated to participate. They are content to watch while others do. They are "Speck Tators." 3. Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They might be called "Comment Taters." 4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems. They look or others to agree with them. You call them "Aggie Taters." 5. Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get around to doing anything. They are "Hezzie Taters." 6. Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are not. They are "Emma Taters." 7. Still, there are those who live what they talk. They are always prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand. They bring real sunshine into others' lives. You might call them "Sweet Taters." [From alt.humor] -=========================================- An interoffice softball game was held between the marketing department and sales department of one company. The sales department whipped the marketing department soundly. The marketing department posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1997 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Sales Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game." [From alt.humor] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/19/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Microsoft recently announced that the upcoming release 5.0 of Windows NT will be renamed "Windows 2000," which will presumably be abbreviated Win2K in the press. That got me to thinking about a comparison between Win2K and Y2K... Win2K - Represents large problem for computers, looming in the near future. Y2K - Ditto. Win2K - Projected to ship in mid 1999. Y2K - Projected to start causing problems in mid 1999. Win2K - Real effects won't be known until sometime in the year 2000. Y2K - Ditto. Win2K - Will cost corporations millions in support, upgrades, and time. Y2K - Ditto. Win2K - Will result in a need to upgrade most hardware. Y2K - Ditto. Win2K - Entire industry waiting for the product to slip...uh, ship. Y2K - Entire country waiting for solutions to ship. Win2K - Many characterize it as being an evil plot created by programmers. Y2K - ditto. Win2K - Probably could have been avoided if UNIX had a better U/I. Y2K - Probably could have been avoided through foresight and planning. Win2K - Likely to cause more bugs than it cures. Y2K - Ditto. [ed: This list's Subject line isn't Y2K complient. Oh well...] [From rec.humor.funny] -=========================================- A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!" [From "laugh-your-ass-off" mailing list] -=========================================- THE TRUTH ABOUT THANKSGIVING By Jonathan P. Bernick Today America celebrates the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United States, "Thursday." Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly afterwards remember why they separated. In a darkened gymnasium Richard Simmons will run his revenue projections, and consider buying a small Caribbean island. Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days surcease from education. (The students are pretty happy about it, too.) Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of bewilderment. In this decadent age we live in, far too many of our unlettered countrymen think Plymouth Rock a music style from the 70’s, or the Mayflower a potpourri ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your questions about Thanksgiving. Q. Gosh, you're right, Jonathan; I, the average reader, am dumb as a post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving? A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud into a plant without bothering to change its taste and texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black Helicopters fit it? A. They transport the squash. Copyright 1997 by Baja Arizona Publishing Company [From Keith Sullivan] -=========================================- You know, despite the fact that the Internet is a wierd place, I can't seem to find EVERYTHING in it. Like a person with an e-mail address of: nobody_is@home.com To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/21/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK. "Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September." "Why then?" "That's when they left." [From Keith Sullivan] -=========================================- Some *interesting* car name arconyms: AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! FORD backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot First On Recall Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of R&D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. and Ron's DNA GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion Got A Mechanic Coming? HONDA Had One Never Did Again HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.= Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless Vomit on Wheels [From the Jokesrus mailing list] -=========================================- A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "all of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." [From Ian Harris]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits Recipients Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Ever wonder what would happen if a car company came out with a model with the name "HandBasket"? Apart from the fact that it is a dumb name for a car, imagine the potential for bad jokes! Hitchhiker thumbs (flags?) a car down. Driver: "Hello." Hitchhiker: "Hi. Where are you going?" Driver: "Well, this is a HandBasket. Figure it out." [Yeah. Kinda far-fetched, but imagine what you could do to small children!] I've got a BIG back-log, so the mailings will be a tad bit longer. -=========================================- IN FLORIDA: [Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he was about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!" [From alt.humor] -=========================================- RUMINATIONS Sometimes at work, I think to myself, "If shit were camouflage, I'd be invisible right now." --David Huddle When I get an email chain letter, I forward a copy to all my friends telling them not to participate. Just one of the ways I'm helping reduce Internet traffic. --Matt Diamond The greater the number of multiple personalities one has, the greater the chance that one of the less responsible ones won't pull his or her weight with the household chores. --Chuck Smith I guess my first mistake was buying that stupid inflatable 747 for the kids. But how was I to know my 5-year-old would tell the stewardess, "Daddy says he's going to blow up our airplane!"? --Zev Farkas I think if you were ever tunneling through the earth and happened upon a giant groundhog with a pickaxe, you should run because, hey, you're on *his* turf now. --Dan Flippo Lucky for us that snot doesn't smell bad, or we'd walk around all day going, "Jeez, what *is* that? Ewwww." --H.G. MacLure Sometimes i think to myself: "How can i be a better women? How can i be a better mother? How can i be a better wife?" Then I snap out of my daydream and realize i'm peeing on the seat again. --John Jose' If I ever get plastic surgery, I want to have a head like a fish with two great big eyes on each side. Once people see how effortlessly I change lanes in rush hour traffic, I'm pretty sure it will catch on. --David James I'd hate to be the person on the operating table when Doogie Howser's pent-up frustration at being allowed to amputate a leg but not to buy a 6-pack of beer surfaces. --Rian Rutherford Life is like a box of chocolates. Some bastard always steals the ones you like. --Adam JI Rakich Sometimes, I feel like smacking myself for being so stupid. Then I realize that would be kinda dumb. --Amber Stockham I think a neat addition to the Swiss Army Knife would be a Swiss Army Lava Lamp. That way, if you're lost in the wilderness, there's instant entertainment. --Rian Rutherford Dad always promised me that when I turned 12 he would take me flying. So on my 12th birthday, Dad put on his blue tights and red cape and took me to the roof of a tall building and jumped. I guess Dad didn't really know how to fly. --Anna Chin-Williams When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus. --Brian Auten [From Keith Sullivan] -=========================================- For those not in the geeky circle I wish I had a copy of the "Halloween" document I would sent it allong w/ this is it would make sense of it. This parody is refering to Linux (a public free Unix) which is becoming very popular. Archeaologists Unearth "Ooga!" Document Written by Dave Finton (dfinton@d.umn.edu) November 12, 1998 It was made public today that a 30,000 year old stone tablet titled the "Ooga!" Document had been unearthed alongwith many other stone tablets from the same era. The Ooga!Document outlines the plans of the then-powerful corporation known as MoogaSooga (to be referred in this article as MS) to challenge and undermine the then-growing hobbyist wheel-making industry. MS at that time owned a virtual monopoly on wheel production, and consumers of that era were clamoring for alternatives to the MS Wheel. The stone tablet was leaked to one such wheel-making hobbyist referred to as "Eega S. Rooga", or ESR for short. The tablet outlines and researches a wheel-making method where wheel-makers share ideas and contribute their work to make better wheels, and create better tools from those wheels. The tablet also outlines possible actions that MS could take against the wheel-making hobbyists in order to maintain its market share. The document, authored by MS employee and wheel expert Vooga Voogavoogavoogavooga, talks about the process by how these new wheels were made, and how much better the hobbyists' wheels were than MS's own commercial wheel. The MS Wheel was a large unwieldly structure approximately 30 feet tall. Users of the wheel would have to climb on top of the wheel and have 75 people behind him or her push the wheel down the hill. The MS Wheel was prone to stalling in mid-transit, causing the passenger to be flung off the top of the wheel to his death on the ground below. In worst case scenarios the MS Wheels were also known to veer off course, often into crowded villages where everyone in the wheel's path would be run down, causing a lot of damage and heartache. In addition to all this the wheel would often break apart into several pieces whenever it hit even the slightest bump. Of course once the wheel reached a valley or the bottom of the hill, it would be impossible to push it back up the hill again because it was way too heavy. Thus, users of the MS Wheel were often forced to "upgrade" to a new wheel, most likely even larger and less stable than the previous one. Despite these and other problems, the MS Wheel was immensely popular. However, it sparked a populist movement by amature wheel makers to share ideas and come up with a better solution. In the "Ooga!" Tablet, Vooga says, "After trying out these hobbyists' wheels, I am surprised to learn that their quality surpasses the quality of commercial-grade wheels, particularly the MS Wheel." He goes on to say, "These wheels are only a couple of feet in diameter, weigh only 30 pounds, and are much sturdier than our heavyweight counterparts. Even worse, the hobbyists are using these wheels to create even more complicated yet useful structures, such as carts and wagons. Our wheels couldn't even hope to compete in that market!" In one of the other stone tablets found during the dig, a pundit and long-time MS supporter named Jooba Berst wrote down "These new wheels will never be taken seriously in the marketplace. Who are you going to sue or hold accountable when the wheel breaks down and kills several hundred villagers-- woah WOAH-- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *THUD*! Vooga himself refuted those claims within the "Ooga!" Document itself: "Since these wheels are small, the chances of them running over and killing helpless villagers are extremely low. In addition to this, the wheels are skinny enough to allow what is known as 'steering' to avoid veering off course to begin with. And in the unlikely possibility of a wheel breakdown, the wheel can be easily fixed or replaced with a new one relatively cheaply." Since MS was a large and powerful corporation, surely it must have had some kind of strategy against the hobbyist wheel-makers. Indeed, Vooga stated, "These hobbyists are unabashedly cream-skinning the best features of MS Wheel, such as the fact that it is round and is capable of rolling down hills." The solution? "The possibilities of clubbing the hobbyists to death or simply stealing their wheels have yet to be looked at."To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/25/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Oops! Sorry about the subject line in the last message. Sorry. -=========================================- BAYWATCH: Police in Seal Beach, Calif., got an urgent call from a resident looking through his new telescope: a pink Corvette was being ravaged in the surf, and the caller was afraid that someone might be trapped inside. Officers rushed to the scene, but couldn't find the car. The man confirmed he could still see it, so officers came to his house to take a look. Through his telescope, they saw it too: a "Barbie-sized" toy car on the beach, highly magnified by the powerful lens. "Had he panned his telescope up a little from the ocean ...he would've realized what he was looking at," said police Sgt. Rick Ransdell. The cops recovered the toy, which was less than a foot long, he said. (Los Angeles Times) ...New from Mattel: "Bawling Barbie", dressed in black for the funeral of "Carjacker Ken". [From THIS is TRUE for 15 November 1998] -=========================================- Here are two entertaining emails exchanged between father and son. Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad [From "[best-joke]"] -=========================================- [ed: Then again, some people are just too wierd to contemplate. What did you say? Oh, *very* funny - I'm NOT talking about myself.] M&M's Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one. [Written by oalami@mnsinc.com] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/26/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90+y/o man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and an old man were discussing Clinton's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know old Clinton's a post turtle". So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down." [From alt.humor] -=========================================- There was a 10 year old boy, who's left arm was damaged and subsequently amputated. He decided to learn judo. His Sensei (teacher) was an old Chinese judo expert. The boy learned quickly. After three months, he had learned only one move. He asked his teacher to teach him more moves. The Sensai told him that this was all he would need. Soon after, the boy entered a tournament, where he quickly advanced to the finals, where his opponent was bigger and more experienced. The boy seemed very out matched. After a long match, the opponent seemed to loose concentration. Quickly the boy took advantage and pinned what seemed to be his superior opponent. On the ride home, the boy asked his Sensai. "How could I win with only one move?" The Sensai replied, "You have nearly mastered one of the most difficult moves in all of judo. And, the only defense against that move, is for your opponent to grab your left arm." [From the "Jokesarus" mailing list] -=========================================- It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." [From "Oracle Service" mailing-list] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 11/28/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsyl vania Ave Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this speciman a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with you theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie Doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clam's don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geological record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie Dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions on a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities [From alt.humor] -=========================================- 142857 is a cyclic number, the numbers of which always appear in the same order but rotated around when multipled by any number from 1 to 6. 142857 * 2 = 285714 142857 * 3 = 428571 142857 * 4 = 571428 142857 * 5 = 714285 142857 * 6 = 857142 [http://www.southhouse.com/useless/] -=========================================- >The first sign of wisdom is knowing what you don't know. The more >intelligent one is, the less "smart" he is. The more educated, the more >aware of one's ignorance. > >Well, well, well. >What do you know? Not much, although I don't like to brag. [From alt.humor.best-of-usenet] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/1/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Interesting Fact: If all the Spice Girls CDs sold so far were laid end-to-end, it would be pretty easy to run them over with my car. [Jokesrus] -=========================================- WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. THESE NITWITS ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN?? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." and A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy. SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY TO GNAW THROUGH THE STRAPS! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY?? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. OUCH, THAT SMARTS!! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the- Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. [From MMK] -=========================================- The following letter to the editor appeared in the Boston Globe this week: Bear Hug In a recent column Susan Trausch [Globe columnist] referred to Smokey the Bear. It is true that Smokey the Bear deserves praise for his campaign against forest fires. But nobody ever mentions the boy scouts he kills for their hats. (signed) Martin H. Slobodkin Cambridge [rec.humor.funny.reruns] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/1/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Geeks with Guns by Declan McCullagh 3:00 a.m. 24.Nov.98.PST John Jasen squints down the barrel of his .40 caliber Beretta and carefully squeezes the trigger. The pistol barks as 180-grain slugs smash into the 17-inch RGB monitor a few dozen feet away. Thin grey smoke seeps from the perforated screen. The 24-year-old system administrator releases the empty clip from his Beretta and grins wolfishly. "It's gratuitous destruction," he says. Saturday's outing was the most recent in a series of trips to the firing range that Jasen has organized for Baltimore-area sysadmins. The attendees are anyone who's fed up with recalcitrant hardware, buggy Microsoft code, and interface cards that never worked quite the way the manufacturer promised. Their solution has been to find catharsis by blasting the objects of their disdain to smithereens. An announcement sent to their mailing list last week said the outing lets disgruntled and overworked administrators "vent frustrations on computers, household appliances, and electronics that richly deserve it." And for sysadmins who love Unix but work with Windows, nothing deserves death more than Microsoft products. At the Anne Arundel Fish and Game Association's pistol range, Microsoft manuals, floppies, and instructional videotapes have become favorite targets. "We have discovered that NT workstation disks do not stop bullets," Jasen says. Support Fundamentals for Microsoft Windows NT is thick enough to prompt Jasen to switch to a .45 Heckler and Koch. The 230-grain rounds lance through the manual, erupting out the back in puffs of white paper. By the time he's done, the remains resemble a Thanksgiving turkey carcass. Jasen holds up what's left of the book. "This is definitely coming to work with me," he says. "It's too bad nobody brought a CPU." It's not just programmers and sysadmins in Baltimore who feel an urge to mutilate computer equipment that can no longer fight back. KGB, the unabashedly geeky student group at Carnegie Mellon University, occasionally jettisons intractable hardware down a stairwell in the computer-science building. Early-morning shooting outings in the Nevada desert have long been a staple of the annual DefCon hacker convention. A group of San Francisco Bay Area cypherpunks recently spent hundreds of dollars per person on "defensive handgun" and "practical rifle" courses at the Front Sight firearms training institute in Aptos, California. The 1.2 MB 5 1/4-inch floppy drive Jasen brought to the range remains largely intact, even with bullet holes punched through the circuit board. The sound card and external speakers have suffered only minor wounds, as have the internal and external 14.4 Kbps modems. "You know what we need to do the next time we do this? Bring a shotgun," Jasen said. But even pistols can savage the chief attraction of this expedition: the monitors. Chris, a local sysadmin who asked that her last name not be used, rescued three from the trash heap at work and hauled them to the range in Arnold, Maryland. After she fires the first shot from a 9mm Glock, the glass at the front of the picture tube is punctured, but not shattered. It's too thick. A few dozen rounds later, though, and only a shell of the picture tube is left. In the back, bullets have ripped the plastic case wide open. "Do you want the keyboard and I'll go after the book?" Jasen asks. "No, it's your keyboard. Go ahead," Chris replies. Some of the range staff and regulars join in the spirit of the day, contributing a microwave that they pepper with upwards of 400 rounds of .22 ammo. During a break in the firing, one wanders over and inspects the computer hardware. "There's no more joy left in this joystick," he says, holding up the now-lifeless input device. When the ammo is gone, the day ends. The tired sysadmins begin to pack up their gear and plan for the next time. One jokes, "Now if only we could shoot some users...." [Taken from Wired News http://www.wired.com/news/news/culture/story/16433.html] -=========================================- In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" [Oracle Humor] -=========================================- How can someone possibly escape "by the skin of her teeth"? The Answer: The phrase, "by the skin of one's teeth," which means "with the smallest possible margin comes from the Bible. In the Book of Job (19:20), while complaining about his pitiable situation, Job makes a statement that the King James Bible translates as: "My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth." While we don't have skin on our teeth, Job's vividly poignant phrase, like so many others from the Bible, stuck. So now, whenever anyone narrowly escapes, they're said to have made it "by the skin of their teeth." (Sources: WHY YOU SAY IT by Webb Garrison and THE KING JAMES BIBLE) [MailBits.Com Trivia]To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/2/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Hello, sorry for the lack of joke past week... Wasn't much that was actually *funny* out there. BTW, here are my ideas for great party "ice-breakers": "I'm a Food Magician. Want a demonstration? Buy me a pizza and watch me make it dissapear." "I'm very depressed. I think I'm going to drown my gold-fish now." "Whales are God's tamagutchies." "Are people with no neck immune to vampires?" "Poll: When _you_ play Tick-Tack-Toe against yourself, do you win or do you lose?" "I never forget. It's just that I don't always remeber." "Life is what happens when the soul realizes it's on the road to insanity and it stops for a beer." "Oh yeah? Well your VCR has been blinking "00:00" for the past decade!" "The middle of nowhere is the best place to be - every direction leads to the edge of nowhere." "Of course I'm concentrated! I'm all in one place aren't I?" "I don't see what's so amazing about black holes. I remember having one for a stomach, once." [Shalom Craimer] -=========================================- A tabloid reports that Paula Jones has decided to get a nose job. "Is that such a good idea? Isn't there a chance Clinton might not recognize her and hit on her all over again?" --Jay Leno According to the New York Post, the money for Paula Jones' $9,000 nose job came from an anonymous donor. "That's when you know you're unattractive, when strangers just send you cash. 'Lady, I saw you. Her, fix your nose!'" --Jay Leno [Keith Sullivan] -=========================================- AND THE DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS Japan Times-April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping', a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two- cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted he tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him," say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you." [alt.humor] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/3/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint. The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high -- as for only $2000 he could have the bureaucrat killed. The wine made it through just fine. [alt.humor] -=========================================- Why do things appear darker when they're wet? The Answer: Grab a white shirt, dip it in water, and voila, it turns gray right before you very eyes. If we hadn't all seen it much too often it would make for an impressive magic trick. Since we have, it's an excellent trivia question. What causes this optical transformation is simple science. When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts within the water, disbursing the light. In addition, the surface of the water causes incoherent light scattering. The combination of these two effects causes less light to reflect to your eyes and makes the wet fabric appear darker. (Source: WHY DO DOGS HAVE WET NOSES? by David Feldman) [MailBits Trivia] -=========================================- An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The F-4 called the B-52 crew and told them that, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot replied that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines." [alt.humor] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/7/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Eugene M. Garlow II said a German tourist walked into a McDonald's in New York City and ordered a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's and other fast-food places serve beer and wine.) A man in line told the tourist, "They don't serve beer here, you moron." The visitor, somewhat embarrassed, got out of line and started to move on. But he stopped, looked at the fellow who had called him a "moron" and started to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demanded. "Oh, nothing really," the tourist said. "It just suddenly occurred to me that you came here for the food." [Terry Marchal] -=========================================- At the post office a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider in the "Old West" could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it took three. "I'd really like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now." [alt.humor] -=========================================- Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug. Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow. Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding. MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me 'til next year. Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how. Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking. UI designers: What's that crap in my glass? Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that. Windows users: Where's my straw? UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy. Multimedia author: Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for. Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind! IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year. [alt.humor] -=========================================- 10 Reasons Santa must be a System Administrator: 1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. [alt.humor] -=========================================- What do you do if you see a (insert least favourite Race, color profession etc here) man walking towards you with half a face? Stay calm Re-load Fire again [alt.humor] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/13/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Sorry about the lack. But now I'm going back to suffering..um..studying, so I have less time. Expect less. Sorry. -= Shalom -=========================================- MIAMI, FL (DPI) -- With the burning of the cruise ship Ecstasy, personal injury lawyers turned out in herds on the docks waiting for the ship to be to towed back to port. The more enterprising ones created a new version of ambulance chasing by hiring anything with a motor that floated to go out to the damaged vessel and get first dibs on the soon-to-be-litigating passengers. Many of them taped their business cards to rocks and hurled them onto the deck of the ship, while others used Nerf footballs offering to represent those hurt by falling rocks. The school of shysters circled the ship and prompted one passenger to say, "It was kind of neat to watch them. Just like dolphins. But I hear they're related to the shark family." [Reported by Dave Henry] [The Daily Probe, July 27, 1998 ] -=========================================- I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. --Richard Diran How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a big doofus who should have looked at a map? --J. Wagner (Crabby Road) Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. --Oscar Wilde To their credit, my new bifocals initially made me feel much younger. Immediately after putting them on, I discovered that moving my head up and down produced the same level of nausea that I once got only at high-school beer parties. --Robert Kirby This morning, my wife asked me for a divorce. Oh, she didn't come right out and use the D word. She's much too subtle for that. What she said was, "When are you going to put up the Christmas lights?" --Robert Kirby [Kieth Sullivan] -=========================================- From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here." In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club." >From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd." In a Texas jewellery store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000. A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas." In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due." [Kieth Sullivan] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/16/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait." [Keith Sullivan] -=========================================- IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING BAD AT MATH: Women greatly overestimate their risk of getting breast cancer, says a researcher at Britain's Cancer Research Campaign. While it's true that 1 in 12 British women (1 in 8 in the U.S.) will indeed get breast cancer, that's only if they live through other, more threatening diseases, says Dr. John Bunker. "For most women the lifetime risk of dying of breast cancer is only one in 26; the other 25 women will die of something else," he said. (Reuters) ...So much for the bright side. [THIS is TRUE for 6 December] -=========================================- My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't, like the other one?" [JOKE-OF-THE-DAY] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/17/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: * In February, Timothy Devine, 37, thought he had merely been struck in the ear while in a Boston, Mass., park trying to purchase marijuana and that he could walk off the pain, but he decided to go to Quincy Hospital, whose attendants confirmed his emerging suspicion that he might have been shot in the head. And in May in Sacramento, Calif., a 19-year-old man was convicted of four counts of attempted murder, based in part on the testimony of one victim who said he not aware for several days afterward that he had been shot in the stomach and another who said he thought at first he had been hit in the nose by a rock until a doctor told him a bullet had entered through an ear and exited through a nostril. * In March, a 20-year-old man was charged with attempted murder in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, for stabbing a 29-year-old man, an acquaintance, in the head. The victim walked out of his apartment after the stabbing, fully conscious and speaking, despite the fact that the butcher knife was still embedded in his skull. He survived. * Golf Imitates Miniature Golf: In May at Beaver Brook Golf Course in Haydenville, Mass., Todd Obuchowski was credited with a hole-in-one on a par 3 hole after his tee shot went over the green and onto a highway, hit a passing Toyota driven by Nancy Bachand, ricocheted back to the green, and rolled into the cup. At least eight golfers witnessed the shot. * In April, a 47-year-old man in Peoria, Ill., finally died of a 1971 gunshot wound that had paralyzed him for 27 years. His assailant would thus have been charged with murder, but he died 5 years ago. But in Boston, Raul Casanova, who had shot a man in 1991 and left him paralyzed and who had served 7 years for that assault, was charged in June with the murder after the man died. In fact, the charge was filed on the day Casanova was to be released from prison. [News of the Wierd] -=========================================- Why are pipes under kitchen sinks so curvy? Isn't there a more direct path for them to travel? The Answer: Contrary to popular belief, this is neither a ploy by pipe manufacturers to double their revenue, nor an attempt by the plumbers' lobbyists to make our pipes look so complicated that we feel compelled to call a professional every time something goes wrong. The "S" shape seen in most pipes serves two very important purposes. First, by ensuring that water fills the bend below the sink, it keeps sewer smells and other nasty odors from drifting into the room. Second, as anyone who's accidentally dropped anything down the drain can attest, it saves our valuables from landing in the sewer. (Source: WHY DO DOGS HAVE WET NOSES? By David Feldman) [Mailbits Trivia] -=========================================- VIDEO WARS: Titanic vs. Clinton - Submitted by BC ____________________________________ When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of "deja vu" - of watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure? Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see the remarkable similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just by coincidence... or much more. We will let you be the judge. Clinton vs Titanic: Incredible Similarities TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70% TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary. [Joke-of-the-Day] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/19/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with me.'" [laugh-your-ass-off] -=========================================- Doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a plumber. The plumber walks in and has the water back on in 5 minutes. The plumber turns around and hands the doctor a bill for $275.00. The outraged doctor stammers "I'm a Neuro-surgeon, not some damn dumb plumber, and I don't even make that much for 5 minutes work!" The plumber smiles and says "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much when I was a Neuro-surgeon either" [Keith Sullivan] -=========================================- It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working." A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any." [laugh-your-ass-off] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/20/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colourful arms. Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?" [WEiRD ] -=========================================- A local Radio Station, WINO was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense; the prize being a trip for two to Bali for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing out: DJ : WINO, what's your name? Caller: Hi, me name's Dave. DJ: Dave, what is your word? Caller: "Gwan" spelled G, W, A, N. DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Dave, Gwan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense? Caller: Gwan fuck yourself! Ha Ha Ha! At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller: DJ: WINO, what's your name? Caller: Me name's Jeff. DJ: Jeff, what is your word? Caller: "Smee" spelled S, M, E, E. DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense? Caller: Smee again! Gwan fuck yourself! Ha Ha Ha! [laugh-your-ass-off] -=========================================- YOUR TAX DOLLARS NOT AT WORK: The Internal Revenue Service has been audited. Government auditors found that IRS employees have stolen at least $5.3 million in taxes over 2 1/2 years. The General Accounting Office says the IRS lacks basic deterrents to theft, such as security cameras. And better tracking of tax payments: one employee altered a tax check to be made payable to "I.R. Smith" and deposited it into a personal account. But Jimmy Smith, the head of the IRS's field centers, argued that "the instances of embezzlement and theft are extremely rare," and that the GAO audit "gives us some reassurance that the safeguards we [do] have in place are working." (AP) ...Yeah, right: he's just covering for his brother Irving. [THIS is TRUE for 13 December] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/22/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: August 24th: Day of Ruin * MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD * Fall of Rome, 410 AD * British Burn D.C., 1812 * Windows 95 Released, 1995 [ed: Shalom Craimer born, 1980] [rec.humor.funny] -=========================================- A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our ... loan?" They got it. [Oracle Humor] -=========================================- The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and inquires if something is wrong? "I finished the exam in half an hour but I am rechecking my answers..." [Mark Moshe Kays] To: Humor Hits Recipients From: Shalom Craimer Subject: Humor Hits 12/26/98 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: In-Reply-To: References: Isn't it strange? If you stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaggghh!" everyone stares at you like you're a total idiot or something, but if you do the same in an airplane, people join in. [JOKESARUS] -=========================================- While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic." -Tracy Perry -=()=- While driving on the West-bound I-10 from Baton Rouge to New Orleans, my friends and I saw a couple of small signs every few miles. They read, "PMS Test Site." I still don't know what they're supposed to mean, but we've had plenty of speculation. -Raymond O. Squires -=()=- On a bumper sticker: "Take my advice, I'm not using it" -Chris [Joke-Of-The-Day] -=========================================- NESCAFE ICED COFFEE, WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND? by Joe Lavin Last week, I received a call from a marketing company that was conducting a public opinion poll. I was overjoyed. This is a sad confession, but I love opinion polls. It's not because I enjoy the opportunity to let my voice be heard. No, I don't care about that at all. It's because I enjoy the opportunity to develop a different persona and completely screw up the sample. "Hmmn. So, Mr. Lavin, you're a member of the Religious Right and a supporter of Newt Gingrich, but you're also strongly in favor of abortion rights and gun control." "Yes, and I also think marijuana should be legalized for all church functions." I was looking forward to similar fun this time, but it turned out only to be a survey for Nescafe Iced Coffee. Even I couldn't come up with a persona who gave a damn about Nescafe Iced Coffee, and so I had no choice but to tell the truth. And the truth probably was not what the Nescafe people wanted to hear. That's because I absolutely hate coffee. To me, its only redeeming quality is the fact that it's hot, and so the idea of cold coffee is simply disgusting. What's worse is that I had never even heard of Nescafe Iced Coffee. Until this phone call, I was completely and entirely oblivious to its existence. The Nescafe people couldn't have chosen a worse person on this planet to take their opinion poll. After I told her that I had never even heard of the drink, the Nescafe woman asked cheerfully, "Would you be interested in trying Nescafe Iced Coffee then?" "No." I said honestly. "Oh.... Well, I have just a few more questions to ask. If you were to drink Nescafe Iced Coffee, would you drink it in the morning?" "No." "Would you drink it at home?" "No. I wouldn't really drink it at all." "I'm sorry. I have to ask these.... Would you drink it at work?" "No." "Would you drink it in your car?" "No." "Would you drink it for its bold taste?" "No." "Would you drink it as a refreshing pick-me-up?" "No." "Would you drink it on a beach in the French Riviera with a naked Claudia Schiffer, just after Claudia leaned over and whispered in your ear, 'Oh, Joe! If you drink this Nescafe Iced Coffee, I'll do absolutely anything to you.'" "Well, maybe once." Okay, the last part was made up, but that's all. And the Nescafe Lady didn't stop there either. Soon, she started asking me general questions about coffee, which I stopped drinking at age eighteen. "Could you tell me whether you think the following brands are excellent, good, fair, or poor. Maxwell House?" "Poor. I don't really like coffee." "Folgers?" "Poor." "Taster's Choice?" "Poor." "Nescafe?" "Poor." Later, she asked, "Of all the brands that I mentioned, are there any that stand out in your mind as being of a higher quality?" At this point, I was starting to feel guilty for being such a miserable git. I decided to be nice. I thought long and hard about brands of coffee. Finally, I said, "Well, General Foods International seems to be a higher quality." She paused. "Um, that's not one of the ones I mentioned." "Oh." With a hint of hope in her voice, she asked, "So are there any others which you think are of a higher quality?" "No, not really." Next, she gave me a list of statements about Nescafe Iced Coffee to which I was supposed to agree or disagree. I again reminded her that I had never drunk the stuff, but she didn't seem to care. "I enjoy Nescafe Iced Coffee when I come home from work." "Disagree." "Nescafe Iced Coffee quenches my thirst." "Disagree." "Nescafe Iced Coffee gives me that little pick-me-up I need." "Disagree." This went on for a while until she actually said, "Nescafe Iced Coffee is my friend." I'm still not quite sure what kind of survey this was. "Disagree." I said quickly, though I shouldn't have. If I had agreed, who knows what kind of follow-up statements there would have been? "Nescafe Iced Coffee is my soulmate. Together, we are one." "Agree." "Nescafe Iced Coffee and I like to hang out and watch sports together." "Agree." "I never drink Nescafe Iced Coffee, because it's my friend and my mother taught me never to drink a friend." "Agree." And I really wonder if anyone did say that Nescafe Iced Coffee was a friend. Now that I think about it, someone probably did. After all, this was in about the seventh minute of the phone call. The people who were still on the line were probably so lonely and so desperate for some form of companionship that they really did need Nescafe Iced Coffee as a friend. Either that or they had a humor column to write. [Copyright 1997 by Joe Lavin ]