Here is a collection of (relatively) clean Information Technology related jokes, which I've collected over the years presented here, occasionally with some supporting graphics and sounds. I take no responsibility for any damage that may occur to your brain, body or equipment due to excessive laughing or boredom or otherwise due to reading or remembering of these jokes.
In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.
In the beginning there was the Plan. And then came the
Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the
Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the faces of the Staff. And they spoke among
themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Staff went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Senior Managers, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Senior Managers spoke amongst themselves, saying to one
another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very
strong."
And the Senior Managers went unto the Partners, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the Partners went unto the Managing Partner, saying,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
company, with powerful effects."
And the Managing Partner looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was
good. And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit Happens.
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest
that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which
could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches
some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships
on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have
finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have
finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Controlaltdelete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to
close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields...
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of
sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then
puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't have Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly
shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a highpitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that
person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt.
After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh
figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as
they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows
does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must
uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware
engineer are in Fort. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on
a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their
lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they
rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3
wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and
surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him
his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money
worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worshipme." The genie
granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would
your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch"
replied the project manager.
If IBM made toasters...
If Xerox made toasters...
If Tandy made toasters...
If Oracle made toasters...
If Sun made toasters...
Does DEC still make toasters?...
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
If Cray made toasters...
If Sony made toasters...
If CostCo made toasters...
If Microsoft made toasters...
Redmond WA, (AP).
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against
Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the
Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with
the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.
Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs
constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like
Windows to me.
This is clearly an infringment on our technology".
The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated:
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate."
"Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
"Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected
`upgrade'."
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo..."
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
"I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits."
"True, but appearently some must have survived."
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It
often proves fatal."
Is Windows A virus ?
FammeWare Software Problems
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . ? 5.00
Upgrade newer Soup of the Day . . . . ? 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ?10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
All Managers Stink
Toasters
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a world-wide market for five, maybe six toasters.
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get
lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or
you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles
of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was
still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away,
and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cup of
something caffeinated.
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives
you regular bread.
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of
bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your
kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how
light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate
Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters.
Stop the Press...
A Sensible Question
Stop the Press...
"If GM kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would be driving cars that cost $25 and got
1000 miles to the gallon."
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:"
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