Ouch, That Smarts!

 A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise
 when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded
 in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed
 the loot down the front of his pants as he was running
 out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around,"
 said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion
 taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's
 charred trousers in custody.

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 Are We Not Communicating?

 A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
 pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you
 idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

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 Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

 In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for
 trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
 weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
 gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
 his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

 Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

 AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
 saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received
 a  $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
 who's lacking intelligence.

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 With a Little Help from Our Friends!

 Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
 to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
 his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
 discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting
 pleas to come out and give himself up.

 ---------------------------------------------------

 What Was Plan B?

 An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
 motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
 teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
 money from his own bank accounts.

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 These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?

 A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-
 day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy
 last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
 classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

 AND

 A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for
 three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
 principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-
 tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the  "zero-
 intelligence" policy.

 ---------------------------------------------------

 Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps

 Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause
 of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month
 - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention
 alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said
 the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and
 stole my new security system..."

 ---------------------------------------------------

 For the Main Course

 A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing
 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad
 tongs.

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 The Getaway

 A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked
 for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the
 take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and
 worked the counter himself for three hours until police
 showed up and grabbed him.

 ---------------------------------------------------

 Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?

 In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked
 into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding
 from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give
 him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed
 had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the
 man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with
 a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire
 in to try and find the missing brain.

 ---------------------------------------------------

 Have I Got a Deal for You!

 More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
 badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist
 flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the
 would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next
 vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples
 and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis
 to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
 mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to
 the moon also available."  Authorities believe that
 the con men running this scam made off with over six
 million dollars.

 ---------------------------------------------------

 Too Well-Educated

 In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an
 MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three
 people. "There are too many business grads out there,"
 he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may
 not have happened."

 ---------------------------------------------------

 Did I Say That?

 Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
 who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
 detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the
 words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
 shouted, "That's not what I said!"

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