The Onion Armada - THE DAILY gRANT

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9-16-02(#2): Message Bored

       Messages boards. Man. where do I start? First off, I need to describe the three major types of people that post on message boards.
       "Type A": The innocent person who gets on in order to ask a question pertaining to whatever person/place/thing the board is representing. They don't want trouble, just are unsure on some information that they feel somebody on the board knows.
       "Type B": The person who knows a lot about the person/place/thing is representing, and is more than happy to communicate fluidly with "Type A" in order to achieve the desired result. They may end up talking a bit to much though, flaunting thier knowledge of the person/place/thing, but ultimately not doing any harm.
       "Type C": The person, who, while might actually have knowledge pertaining to the person/place/thing the board is representing, cares to dismiss it in order to make everybody else feel like a jackass. They usually have no good point to offer to any conversation, but feels it necessary to put in their two cents about why both people are wrong in their decision to continue living. "Type C" generally has no friends.
       "Type A" is how most people start out if the go and jump on the board right away, and then from there, as they gain knowledge and experience, they usually can transform smoothly into a "Type B", though there are cases where they might have been abused by "Type C" so much that they themselves become a "Type C."
       "Type B" is the people who have the most posts on the boards, and usually only reply to previously started topics, not create their own, unless it's something important. "Type B" occasionally can transform into a rare breed of "Type D," who is somebody with knowledge and experience, and uses that to make everybody else feel like a jackass.
       There are also "Guests," but they barely count due to the fact that they usually ask one question, then leave or become a "Type A."
       "Type C" generally does not stay around for long. There is usually a good turnover rate for "Type C."
       If I had the ability to make graphs, I would make one showing the cycle, and how usually the percentage of each type stays the same. It would be a neat graph, really. Just imagine it. Yeah, cool, ain't it.
       But anyway. Message boards. I never post on message boards unless I feel it Absolutely Necessary. If I do post, I'm just a guest. Just one thing then I'm gone. I'll reply to my own topic at most. All types of people on message boards piss me off, you know why, because "Type B" and "Type C" always have to argue, and it's usually off of a question asked by "Type A," and then everybody becomes "Type D"'s, and you know what? They really don't know anything at all, just pretend to! Fuckers! What's that saying? "Winning an argument on a message board is like getting a gold medal in the special olympics: You may win, but you're still retarded." It's true.
       So why do I read message boards then? Well, occasionally a shred of something informative may peek it's way through all of the shit, and for that reason I put up with all of the fucking nonesense. I need to stress this though, I VISIT message boards, I do not POST on them. Very important difference.
       About the best way to prove my point is any gaming message board. Go there. Seriously. Funny stuff. I don't go to those often because I don't care about gaming. Music is my business.
       Anyway, if you are reading this, try and figure out what kind of pos(t)er you are. And if the results are that you are either Type A or C, quit posting unless you have something cool to say. Only Type B's should be allowed. good environment.
       The only message board I would ever regularly post on is my own, and you know what, I would be booting people off left and right for being asses. I would have a "Type C" free board if I could. Of course, then some sort of Khaos Effect would happen and everybody would become "Type C" and then die out. Damn you Ian.

-Grant