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The Truth about Scooby-Doo
What We Remember:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their
purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process
meet all kinds of interesting people.
The Truth:
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country
in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs.
Oh, and they occasionally take some old guy's mask off to solve a
mystery,.. but even then, it starts to become apparent that those kids
always seem to 'find' trouble.
It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the
evidence:
Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current
'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is
obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is
constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it
whole.
And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke
joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact
Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a
Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do
whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry
all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that
Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it
helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they
drove to China once). These other characters do have their own
peculiarities however...
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve
the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really
doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.
Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping
uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that
remains a mystery to me, though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf
around his neck.
And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of
course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was
also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from?
Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a
product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slingin'
dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and screwin' their dog,
while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'.
Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9
Iron. The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron. He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,
Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's,
Ribbit Lucky frog.
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do
you think frog?, the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood. The guy takes out a 3
wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his
life and asks the frog, OK where to next? The frog replies, Ribbit
Las Vegas.
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, OK frog, now what? The frog
says, Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks, What do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit
$3000, black 6. Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says, Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog
replies, Ribbit Kiss Me. He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year old girl.
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me
God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.
Is there a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January,
1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into
Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -
378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the
sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left,
get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but
for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now
talking about 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million
miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at
a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops,
15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting
that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal
amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion
as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within
4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
Butterball Turkey Talk-line "Greatest Hits"
(or, "Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;" or, "Out of the Mouths
of.... Turkey Trauma Victims")
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their
share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd
because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the
veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up
a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives.
Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his
Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ("Will it cook faster
if I drive faster?"), but some of these come pretty close. Warning:
do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents,
true stories -- from the front lines!
* Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called
the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her
Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out.
She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked.
She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the
woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting
the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido
was freed!
* Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How
do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that
fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
* Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian
woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to
host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of
time for turkey tips.
* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to
find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the
question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird
weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running
around outside."
* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted
to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
* White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to
extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called
the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her
dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting
advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist
asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little
girl paused, then replied, "Medium."
http://www.butterball.com/butterball/gr-hits.html
Microbes To Eat Astronauts' Undies
01:29 AM ET 12/10/98
LONDON (AP) _ Russian scientists are developing a cocktail of
bacteria that will eat underpants in an effort to find new ways to
dispose of astronauts' dirty underwear.
The project, aimed at long space missions lasting months, such
as a trip to Mars, is reported in this week's issue of New
Scientist, a London-based science magazine.
The methane gas given off by the disposal unit could be used to
power the spacecraft, the scientists told the magazine.
"This will be a revolution in the science of biodegradation,"
said Vyacheslav Ilyin, head of the microbial ecology laboratory at
the Institute for Biological and Medical Problems at the Russian
State Research Center.
Ilyin could not immediately be reached for comment Wednesday night.
Onboard washing machines are not exactly a priority, and in the
United States, astronauts are rationed to a gallon and a half of
water a day for a shower. Underwear is changed daily on U.S.
shuttle missions and every three days on space station missions,
NASA said.
"Cosmonauts identify waste as one of the most acute problems
they encounter in space," Ilyin was quoted as saying.
Aboard Mir, the Russian space station, waste is stored in sealed
containers until a module arrives with fresh supplies. The waste is
then transferred to the module to be burned up when the spacecraft
re-enters the Earth's atmosphere, the magazine said.
But the modules only arrive about twice a year, the magazine said.
The search for the most suitable combination of microbes is
expected to take up to a decade, New Scientist said. Researchers
aim to have the device ready by 2017, when Russia hopes to launch
its first crewed interplanetary mission.
Hello, this is AT&T
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of
you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a
phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to
try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T
and it went something like this: (swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking
that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my
salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were
still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested," but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24
hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a
minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see
that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a
little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes
sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big
one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an
annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008
per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how
you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give
me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this
some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about
things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien
brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to
eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few
minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do
to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a
snort.
Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me
so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person
who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed
to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but
polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never
have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to
have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
Thanx, Cathy Gilstrap
Smart Parking
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce" the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground
parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest" the loan officer
said.
The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you are
a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000 ?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two
weeks and pay only $15.40 ?"
A Taco Bell Experience
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday
ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my
wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I
have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something
to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at
it kind of funny and
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conversation occurs
between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift, and
IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and
this
particular Taco
Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining
area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later
this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says
[at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
is a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to
eat, so I said
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and
says
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and
it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to
see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
(from rec.humor.funny)
How To Use Emacs
First, you need to ``remember'' where emacs is, using the `rm' (remember)
command:
rm -f `which emacs`
Next, you need to tell the system that you want to use emacs in ``visual''
mode:
alias emacs=vi
Now, you're all set to use emacs! To edit a file, just type
emacs filename
I hope this information has been useful.
(by Steven Applen)
Worst Analogies Contest
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(compiled by Jeffrey Jones, University of Texas at Austin)
Beer Can Color
The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month:
Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since
that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc.
back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time
in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama.
Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine
Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready
to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed
colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that
I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve
judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.
That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered
(empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further
investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following
observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may
be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of
the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by
conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However,
this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the
damn can black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and
implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be
real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the
summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no
telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm
evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive
experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool.
The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party
the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38( and then left
exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled
by the testsubjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD
drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the
different beers.
The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point
where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was
determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suckpoint (min)
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average
suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any
point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All
beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will
thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
------------------
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it
relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer
take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter
and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are
our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had
similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern
United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to
agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any
temperature. Now, it was our intention when redesigning the MGD can to
create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did
some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You
will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking
havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in
cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a
bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research,
we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer
drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer
drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at
Miller Beer, it was never our intention to have someone take more than 2.5
minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine,
smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping
beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel
our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in
the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up
with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller
products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem.
We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick
consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope
this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you what to
get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side
near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your
mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink
beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as
"shot-gunning". You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there
might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our
beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on
campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please
use two hands when firing.
9:27 AM
10/15/96
How I Got Into Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked
to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-
handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other
guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure
enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above
ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking
him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went
back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his
fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and
fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but
okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed
the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart
attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad
day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long,
when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I
was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the
best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I
was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out
of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here. "Once again,
Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death and
let the man in heaven.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process
was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his
story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator....."
Reason for Intel Stock Surge
DISCLAIMER: The following is a parody. Do not base your investment strategy
on the following message. Use tea leaves instead.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Intel hits new high based on demand for new product line.
Santa Clara (AP) - Morgan Stanley raised their 12-month expectations for
Intel to $200-$250 yesterday based on news that Intel has switched its fab
production from Pentium chips to Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. Dr. Andrew Grove,
president and CEO of Intel, responded "Those chips weren't moving as fast as
those damn dolls, so we switched all our fabs over to meet demand for them."
Insiders reported that the true reason for the change in Intel's product line
is that Dr. Grove was unable to obtain the dolls for his grand-children
for Christmas.
Intel is a world class manufacturer of microprocessors and Tickle-Me Elmo
dolls.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: The preceding was a parody. Do not base your investment strategy
on the preceding message. Use the psychic hotline instead.
(by Eric Shen)
Actual Bumper Stickers
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tow-ers will be violated
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Wink, I'll do the rest!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
i souport publik edekasion
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
French Commandos
(ACTUAL news story distributed by Mercury Mail)
*** French commandos no longer CRAP
An elite unit of France's airborne forces, the CRAP, has changed its
name to avoid the snickers the current acronym unfailingly raised
among English-speaking allies, army sources said Friday. The
"Commandos de Recherche et d'Action en Profondeur" (Long-Range Search
and Action Commandos), will now be known as the "Groupement de
Commandos Parachutistes" (Parachute Commando Group) with the innocuous
initials GCP. The 200-man unit is the advance reconnaissance unit of
the country's elite 11th Parachute Division.
Good Times Email Virus
There's a particularly nasty version of the Goodtimes virus
going around. Please read the following and take precautions
as necessary.
*** The Goodtimes Email Virus ***
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but
it will scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness
setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize
the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on
your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your
beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's
company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar
in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while
dating your current girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is
dead. Such is the power of Goodtimes; it reaches out beyond
the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't
find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous
messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is
insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the
toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in
your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while
it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
That is all, you've been warned.
Thermodynamics of Hell
A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home
exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
One student wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if
you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since,
there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all
souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
21 Very Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) Tasty Bile Recipes
21) The Amish Phone Book
1997 Darwin Award
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it. In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who
attached a JATO unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several
hundred feet above the roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- one of the
few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.
Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high
school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally
discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over
his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to
the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons
and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully
inflated, would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated
the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was
still only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-
pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a
few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the
floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun
and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of
about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a
few hours come back down.
Things didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA
sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did
he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled
off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of
the balloons, lest the unbalance the load and really find himself in
trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more
than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble.
He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los
Angeles International Airport.
A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and
described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed
the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.
LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate.
LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze
began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in
hot pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the
crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close
in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away
whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was
hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed
by the helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting
members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.
As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and
replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
How To Talk Southern
Aig - what a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - what you set in
Crick - a small stream
Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - what you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - what get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - a rose is a purdy flar
Frash - them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in
his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - whats between the hills
Hard- got a brend new hard
hand Tar - his core blew a tar
Laymun - a sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - what you climb up
Liberry - where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - what you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - NO
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - a light red color
Parch - sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - a paper bag or sack
Pokey - what the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
Poke Salit -a green vegetable
Puppet - what the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - you wear it on your fanger
Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - a medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - a soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho -tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - a bobbed war fance
Worsh - go worsh your face
Warter - what you worsh your face in
Yurp - a continent overseas
(Joke of the Day)
Bumper Snickers
- According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- All generalizations are false.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition.
- Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
- Hit me, I need the money.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Honk If you're armed.
- Honk if you're illiterate.
- I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would
rather be. [Add: ...where your kid is an honor student. --TM]
- I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- If my stereo is too loud for you, you're too old.
- If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
- If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
- If you ignore your health, it will go away.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- I is a college student.
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- In a nuclear war you never find out who is right, only who is left.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Keep Honking...I'm Reloading.
- Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
- Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
Dear God,
...In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on
vacation? --Jane
...Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? --Lucy
...Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in
the house? --Anita
...Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
--Norma
...Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you
just keep the ones you have now? --Jane
...Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan
...I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
--Neil
...What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything.
-- Jane
...Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you
did, then I'm going to fix my brother! --Darla
...Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
--Joyce
...It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you
will not hurt him anyway. your friend (But I am not going to tell you
who I am)
...Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day
of rest. --Tom L.
...Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, you can look
it up. --Bruce
...If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you
want except my money or my chess set. --Raphael
...My brother is a rat. you should give him a tail. Ha ha. --Danny
...Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own
rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry
...I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all
over. --Sam
...I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. --Ruth M.
...I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan
...If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. --Mickey D.
...I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. --Love, Chris
...We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said you did it.
So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna
(Ron and Debbie Thompson)
Perils of Living in a Small Town
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he,too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her
if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
Please Stand Up
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick
and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have
to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much
as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled
Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!
Sam Goldwyn Malapropisms
Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and
Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer, was known for his misuse of the English language. Some
examples:
"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
"In two words, impossible."
"Include me out."
"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just
want
every man woman and child in America to see it."
When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that
were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."
"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never
wrong."
"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in
this business."
"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
"For your information, just answer me one question!"
"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you
shouldn't see it."
"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."
"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight
success."
"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you
a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no - but I'm giving you
a definite maybe."
DUI Stake-Out
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar
for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several
minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his
engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read
him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results
showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how
that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
(Joke of the Day)
English Spelling
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be
replased either by "k" or "s," and likewise "x" would no longer be part of
the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling,
so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j"
anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5
doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing
vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou,
it wud fainalibi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c," "y" and "x"
-- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch,"
"sh," and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl,
kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
Microsoft Acquisition
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced
today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States
of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is
expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to
it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track
record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support
and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the
$200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at
Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how
well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that
United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
---------------
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide
leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government.
The company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it
easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power
of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
-----------------------
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft
Corporation.
(Dave Peterson)
Cannibal Jokes
Two cannibals were walking throught the jungle, and they were very
hungry. They came upone a lawyer, and decided he would make
a tasty meal. After cooking him, they discussed how they would
split their feast.
"I know," said the first one. "I'll start at the head, and you
start at the feet, and we'll eat our way to the middle."
They agreed, and started chomping.
When the first cannibal got to the neck, he said, "This guy
is delicious! How are you doing down there?"
The second cannibal answered, "I'm having a ball!"
The first cannibal got angry and yelled, "Slow down!
You're eating too fast!"
--------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when the first
mentioned to the second that he had a belly ache. The second cannibal
asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?"
"No," replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary."
"Hmm," said the second, "And how did you cook him?"
"I boiled him as usual," replied the first.
The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a
white collar?"
"No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe."
"Ah ha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't
have boiled him. That was a Friar!"
Southwest Airlines
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50
degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
Dictionary: Landing: (noun) a controlled mid-air collision with a
planet.
Top 10 Ways To Make Hockey More Exciting
10. Goalie removes an article of clothing for each goal allowed.
9. If the Zamboni goes less than 50 mph it blows up.
8. Canadians must play in bare feet.
7. Replace hockey sticks with live flamingos.
6. Just barely visible under the ice: the frozen body of Walt Disney.
5. At some point in every game - exciting police chase in the stands.
4. Actually have Jason from "Friday the 13th" skating around in his hockey
mask trying to kill guys.
3. Instead of an ice rink, a huge red-hot griddle covered in bacon grease.
2. One word: blindfolds.
1. Lose the puck and goals - and make it a 4 period free-for-all.
(probably David Letterman)
Biker Goes To Hell
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey
highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the
middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat
in two," and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he
suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal
lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's
sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.
Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new
arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's
hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"
The biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides
to crank up the thermostat a notch.
The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you
like it now?"
Still the biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of
those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."
Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as
far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The
Devil again asks the biker how he likes it.
Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I
beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"
Now the Devil is just plain upset, so he turns the thermostat all the
way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK
smart-arse, how do you like it NOW?"
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires,
"W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win
the Super Bowl?"
Interpreting Want Ads
* COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
* JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you and you'll have to
introduce yourself to your co-workers.
* SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: ...who still live with
their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
* CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.
* JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first
day.
* SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
* DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
* MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
* COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying
something useless like philosophy or English.
* NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a
legal formality.
* SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.
* PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're joining a company in perpetual chaos.
* REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
* GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out
what they want, and then do it.
[Rose Bowen, Adventist Forum on Compuserve]
1997 Darwin Award II
(I'm not sure which of these 1997 Darwin Awards is the real thing.)
THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon the remains of that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO
(Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself
at 300 mph into the side of a desert cliff.
And now, for this year's illustrious winners:
John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge,
Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the
parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The
two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his
friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch
which snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a
group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly
Bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without
his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his
rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall
with him and landed three inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him
a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he
decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup
truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state,
Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed
through the fence, landing on and killing his friend.
Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also
died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver
thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked
man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his
thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the
air.
The runners-up:
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities
said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth
Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Departmentsaid. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift
towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit
was the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis, MO]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market..
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved
it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him
unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
Nice attempt, but might still procreate:
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state
police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap
as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another
man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode
it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how
to set it off."
"He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue
and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at
Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing
something like that," Payne said.
[UPI, Portland, OR]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last
weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his
head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow
gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and
Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said
the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his
friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district B
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder.
[AP,Arkansas]
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and
while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting
in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.
When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands
still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very
strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman
answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda
didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials
called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was
locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the
back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion
like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to
find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.
Men Are Lunatics, Women Are Nuts
Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how
wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two.
Everything they say. Everything they do.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.
The Style;
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat
or go shopping. Men invade another country.
It's a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay
two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar
for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
The Workplace;
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her
opinions, she's a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history
who have been idealized into powerlessness.
Relationships;
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend.
Now you know which sex is smarter.
Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number
of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.
Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either
provides economic security or is on his way to doing so
(he has "potential").
For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy.
So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy,
while a man gives his up. It's not true that men prefer foolish women.
Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever
necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
Love;
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle
instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way
to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to
understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a
preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot
and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a
lot and not try to understand her at all.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Men
marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are
disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to
marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't. There are two times when
a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Husbands
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let
her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
it. Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot
more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no
use two people remembering the same thing.
Wives
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands
are like cars: all are good the first year.
The Battle
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.
On Men
If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.
Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
On Women
Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat
women. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women may be the
only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman
to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
October, 1997
Author unknown
Things to Forget About 1997
>From "Things to forget about 1997" by Arianna Huffington
"I would like to forget all the movies that aliens were responsible for last
year - especially "Alien Resurrection," "Starship Troopers" and "Contact."
In "Contact," for example, Jodie Foster travels billions of miles across
the universe only to end up in an alien world that's confusing and enigmatic,
where time passes infinitely slowly and where no one can answer any of her
questions. The producers could have saved themselves a lot of trouble and
millions of dollars by just sending her to the DMV."
Up In Smoke
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare,
very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous
cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the
policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal
fashion. The man sued ... and won!!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars
against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable
fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $
15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had
him arrested... on 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24
consecutive one year terms.
(Joke of the Day)
Words of Wisdom
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seinfeldisms
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered
plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it
considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Squawks
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from
the maintenance worker.
(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other
tidbits you hear in the news.)
>From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing"
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud"
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Thanx to Scott Winter.
Chicken Gun
Subject: Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard
about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new
high speed trains.
Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood
shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
Camping Alert
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please
note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing
when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears.
Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence
of Grizzly Bears.
One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
Thanx to Pete Galt.
Aircraft Warranty Registration
---------------------------
Rumor has it that this was actually posted very briefly on the
McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a
sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web
department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know:
McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military
aircraft).
_________________________________________________________
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments
to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the
survey questions is not required, but the information will help us
to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ...............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ...............................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ...............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ...... / ......
4. Serial Number: ..............................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
---------------------------------------------
Dear Abby
Letters to Dear Abby (not printed in newspaper)
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
These two women go everywhere together and I've One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think
they could be Lebanese? -- Curious.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and
when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
illegitimate doctor?
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now,
how do I get out?
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a
little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he
finally did it.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the
chief petting officer.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my
husband said "I Will" he knew very well he couldn't.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We
see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love
him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out
with me just for what he can get? -- Gertie
Dear Gertie: I don't know. What's he getting?
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and
make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.
Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke
a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called
to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. --
FORTY-YEARS HITCHED
DEAR Hitched: Tell him it's raining!
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you
think he'd like -- Carol
DEAR Carol: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -- KAY
DEAR Kay: Only if they don't work.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -- Wondering
DEAR Wondering: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget
it!
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -- Curious
DEAR Curious: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at
the same time? -- Jake
DEAR Jake: Yes, and also hazardous.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three
and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -- Annie
DEAR Annie: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years,
but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any
suggestions? -- SAM IN CAL
DEAR Sam: Yes, Run for public office.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -- TED
DEAR Ted: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say,
"I've heard a lot about you?" -- Rita
DEAR Rita: It depends on what you've heard.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man
my age with no bad habits. -- ROSE
DEAR Rose: So would I.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? --
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
Thanx to Scott Neville.
Political Bloopers
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
--President Gerald Ford
"My fellow astronauts..." --Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a
speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of
human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his
support of the death penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de
Gaulle, ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself
against criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later
indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department
spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful
or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for
1984-5
"This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while
attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."
--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific
calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host." --James
Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to
make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted
in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items
for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a
regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
"What he does on his own time is up to him." --Harlon Copeland,
Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught
exposing himself to a child.
"Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in
a speech to the Republican convention.
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't
listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
(GCFL)
Wailing Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees
an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to
the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done
that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man.
I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here
every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly: . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall."
(GCFL)
Aphorisms For Our Time
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.
Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George
Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his
birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full
choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev.
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary...
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
And an original...
Announcement from the Pulpit by the Associate Pastor:
"Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside.
Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods... " (then
without skipping a beat) "Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here
at the church...!"
(GCFL)
Rules For Better Writing
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Serious Math
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers. In a
last-ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local
Catholic school. After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a
very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His
mother was amazed. She called him to dinner. To her shock, the
minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in
no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid
it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With
great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, little
Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiousity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!" "Well, then,"
she asked, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
weren't fooling around!"
Thanx to Sarah R Solheim.
Marriage
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners,"
is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
--Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
Twas The Night Before Impeachment
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"
"From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!"
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night."
Quotable Quotes
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but
not with all those flies and death and stuff.
--Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
--Former Chicago Mayor Daley during the 1968 Democratic Party convention
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
--Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
--Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people.
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe.
--Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life.
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
--Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post.
--Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
--General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
California Driving Test
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Airline Etiquette
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her
voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at
the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.
Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no
longer angry at United.
Bell Ringer
Here is a joke I heard Pee-Wee Herman tell.
This guy with no arms was going through the classifieds to find a job. I don't
know how he turned the pages, but that is not important. Anyway, he sees a job
for a bell ringer at the local catholic church. He goes to the church and goes
to the priest's office and knocks on the door. Well he doesn't actually knock.
He bangs his head on the door, but that is not important. The guy tells the
priest that he is here for the bellringer's job. The priest sees the guy has
no arms and ask the guy how he plans to ring the bell with no arms. The guy
makes a deal with the priest that if he can ring the bell he will get the job.
They go up to the bell tower and go up the five flights of stairs to the bell.
The guy with no arms walks over to the far wall opposite of the bell and runs
right smack into the bell with face ringing the bell. A little stunned he goes
over to the priest, who of course is in disbelief, and ask for the job based on
the agreement they had. The priest realizing that he had to agrees.
Well, the guy has been ringing the bell everyday for three months twelve times
a day. (He only works half days). When one day at five o'clock he goes up
five flight stairs to the bell. He proceeds to ring the bell three times, but
on the fourth gong, he trips and falls out the window and lands on the street
below. A crowd gathers around him and this other guy turns him over to see who
it is. Someone in the crowd shouts "Who is it" and the other guy holding the
guy with no arms looks at his face and saids, " I don't know his name, but his
face sure rings a bell."
Da Bulls
"I'll always remember this as the night that Michael Jordan and I combined to
score 70 points." -- Chicago Bulls forward Stacey King after scoring 1 point
in a game in which Jordan scored 69.
Unlucky Sevens
DEARBORN, Mich., Nov. 6 (AP) -- A corporal on this city's police force
has been suspended and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation
because he writes the number seven with a horizontal line through the
downstroke.
The 42-year-old officer, Brian Yinger, says he tried to break the habit
when he was ordered to do so six months ago. But he forgot while
writing some reports and as a result was taken before a Police
Department disciplinary board.
'The way he was writing them was confusing for the typist,' the Police
Chief, Robert Deziel, said. 'He defied the order to stop. He was told
he would face disciplinary action.'
The board suspended Corporal Yinger without pay for three days and
ordered him to undergo psychiatric evaluation, scheduled for today, to
determine whether the old sevens were out of his system.
Many people write the number seven with a line through the downstroke
as a way of clearly differentiating it from the number one. The
practice is particularly common in Europe.
It is also common for Corporal Yinger, who, after serving his
suspension, returned to work on Thursday. 'I have been making these
sevens for 30 years,' he said. 'I've never had a problem before.'
Corporal Yinger said he had acquired the habit in the seventh grade
[sic] and had continued writing the objectionable seven during his
years in the Navy and the Naval Reserve and for more than 15 years on
the Dearborn police force.
Because he fears that his punishment will hurt his career and cost him
a promotion to sergeant, he has appealed to the city's Civil Service
Commission to have the disciplinary board's action overturned. If he
loses there, he says, he will take the matter to a state arbitrator.
The dispute could end up costing the city nearly $4,000 in transcript
and arbitration fees. But Chief Deziel said that although the matter
'will be time-consuming, it's worth it.'
Chainsaws
A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer
began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators
explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the
additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not
attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were
saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the
manual specifically warned against it.
Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian
manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that
stupid.
I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label
on them stating:
WARNING: This product not intended for use by stupid people.
Mathematicians and Engineers
A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention,
there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of
the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE
ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.
Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the
engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor
came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math
majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket
please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took
it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The
math majors felt really stupid.
So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one
ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole
group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer said "lookout, Conductor
coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went
to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the
engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket
please."
Suicide, Accident, or Homicide?
For those of you who were unable to attend the Awards Dinner during
the Annual Meeting in San Diego, you missed a tall tale on complex
forensics presented by AAFS President Don Harper Mills in his opening
remarks. The following is a recount of Dr. Mills' story...
"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by
a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent
had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he
passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a
shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected
at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers and that the
decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit
suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a
suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism
might be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain
death nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death
from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicide intent would
not have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner
to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the
9th floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an
elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun
because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not
hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger,
he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking the decedent.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was
confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant
in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the
longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded
shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of
the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is, the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was
seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady)
had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the
propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded
the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the
death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly
despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered.
This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to
be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
Foreign Signs in English
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose
in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the
lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well speaking
- Here speeching American.
Norm-isms
"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."
"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's up, Norm?"
"Corners of my mouth, Coach."
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach."
"Beer, Normie?"
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."
"Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?"
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."
"What's up, Normie?"
"The temperature under my collar, Coach."
"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going down?"
"What's up, Norm?"
"Everything that's supposed to be."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer."
"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Gimme another beer."
"What will you have, Norm?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Oh, looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"What do you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."
"What do you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."
"What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can!"
"Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson."
"Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody."
"What's up, Normie?"
"My nipples, it's freezing out there."
Top 10 Reasons the British Lost the Colonies
10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wig falling in your eyes.
9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got carried away.
8. Colonists on steroids.
7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in the royal family.
6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey.
5. Serious problems with snuff abuse.
4. Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy hats
of theirs.
3. We had Batman.
2. Wanted to get first draft choice.
1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"
(Courtesy of the Massachusetts Historical Society)
Addition
On the road into some US town in the Rockies somewhere:
Welcome to XXXXX
Established: 1873
Population: 1297
Elevation: 4100
----
Total: 7270
Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it
was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and
the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any
ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the
next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!.
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to
feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had
a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving,
and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and
let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on
the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and
keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the
next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and
yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
Baseball Revenue
An agent was out taking a walk one day when God came up
alongside him. The two started to chat about baseball.
"God, when will we ever see another four-hundred hitter?" the agent asked.
"Not in your lifetime," answered God.
"What about a thirty-game winner. When will that happen again?"
"Not in your lifetime," answered God.
"What about revenue-sharing? When will the big-city owners
agree to revenue-sharing to help the teams in smaller cities?"
God smiled and said, "Not in my lifetime."
Cable TV
(From the Feb 15 issue of NewsWeek magazine:)
A Technical Knockout
Big Brother isn't watching, but Continental Cablevision is. During last
November's pay-per-view Holyfield-Bowe heavyweight (boxing) title bout, the
Springfield, Mass. cable TV operator aired a free T shirt ad using a new
technology: the ad appeared only on sets using illegal signal decoders.
More than 140 saps phoned in for the shirts. Continental has sent them
letters offering to settle the matter for $2,000, and has already received
several checks. Since federal law allows fines of $10,000, says
Continental VP Geoffrey Little, "we consider the settlement fee generous."
Anyone who disagrees, he says, will find himself involved in another fight
- in court.
-----
Last summer, the cable television company that serves Columbia, South
Carolina, aimed a camera full-time at an aquarium to occupy a vacant
channel, which was awaiting the September start-up of the Science-Fiction
Channel. When Sci-Fi replaced the "fish channel," complaints were so
numerous that the company was forced to find another channel for the
aquarium, which now runs 14 hours per day, sharing time with the Bravo
channel.
Church Bulletin Bloopers II
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both
ends.
2. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, come early.
3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr.
Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by
the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers
please meet with the pastor in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
come forward and lay an egg at the alter.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water".
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of
paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
afternoon.
9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the
church basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
11. Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
Conversion
Saul was walking down the street when he ran into Morty. The two
got to talking and Saul asked "So Morty, how's your son?".
"Oy", says Morty, "my son... You know he went to the holy land? Well now he's
converted and become a Christian. Becky and I are so upset!"
Saul: "Funny you should mention that. My son also went to Jerusalem, to the
holy land, and he too converted and became a Christian."
As he said this their rabbi happened by and got in on the conversation.
Rabbi: "Funny you should mention that. My son also went to the holy land and
converted to Christianity."
So the three men decided that they should go the Jerusalem to see if they
could find and answer. Once they got to Israel they went to Mt. Sinai and
they climbed to the top. There they prayed and asked, "Oh God, why is it
that our sons have all come here to the holy land only to convert and become
Christians?"
For a long time there was silence. Then a loud, disembodied voice boomed out,
"Funny you should mention that..."
Democrats and Republicans
It all really just boils down to this:
ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
| chance | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
species | | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift
| health care | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
| 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
Funny Signs
These are actual signs seen across the USA:
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On a movie theater:
Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.
In a florida maternity ward:
No children allowed
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a toy department:
Five santa clauses, no waiting.
On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices & workmanship.
On military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personel
On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan
In a clothing store:
Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
In a men's clothing store:
15 mens wool suits -- $10.00. They won't last an hour!
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:
Archery tournament. Ears pierced.
In downtown Boston:
Callahan Tunnel/No End
In the window of a general store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?
In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends
In a New Jersey restaurant:
Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On the grounds of a private school:
No tresspassing without permission
In a library:
Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
Animal Football
The animals were bored. Finally the lion had an idea.
"I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.
I've seen it on T.V. ".
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play.
They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then
had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.
He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First he crushed a
roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two
cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a T.D. and the mule kicked the
extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6.
In the locker room the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a
killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again
the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First he stomped two
gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.
It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he
dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near
him. The lion went over to see what had happenned.
Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where the hell were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
Children's Excuses
Excuses, excuses, excuses... Who ever likes those?
Especially haggled, underpaid teachers who have to keep track of 30 little
dummies every class, make sure that they don't shoot each other - and
become literate in the process.
And if the excuses that come from parents are themselves illiterate...
The following are actual excuses written by parents on behalf of their
children in the Albuquerque Public Schools system.
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnie for being . It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yeaterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and shouldn't be taking fizical ed.
Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a
tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryan was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going
around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (*scratch*),
diahoah (*scratch), dyah (*scratch*) the sh*ts.
The World According To Student Bloopers
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. The following
"history" has been pasted together from certifiably genuine student bloopers
collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through
to college level. Read carefully and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called Mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?". God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's
birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave
refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon,
one of David's sons, had five hundred wives and five hundred porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by
Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of
Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece ,as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought with the
Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made King. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur
lived in the age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of
the of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally Magna Carta provided
that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In mid-evil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenburg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100ft
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
"Virgin Queen". As a Queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
lived at Windsor Castle with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and
errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation
by relieving himself during a long soliloquy. In another Lady Macbeth tries to
convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time time as
Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise lost", then his wife died and
he wrote "Paradise Regained".
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed
the ocean, and this was known as the Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at
Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians who came down the hill rolling
their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their
backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.
Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible
for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original states formed the contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
first ration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "a horse divided against
itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right
to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he lived in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "in onion
there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while
travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth
Amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would
torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it
represented law and odour. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was
deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827, and later
died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the
French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the
Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was baroness, she
couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the
end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the
final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the job of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the
"Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. Karl Marx became one
of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assassination of the Arch-Duck by
a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Politics According To Kids
Culled from elementary school essays on U.S. politics:
Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son
of his father but a president is not.
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting
the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this
works gets to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because
they became president.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of
his cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that
the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the
election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go
while politics are with us all the time.
The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been
sworn at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day
until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I
have heard them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must
be people.
Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who
is the most elected.
A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.
An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the
convention and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act
that way.
A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you
tear it up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they
mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out
of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and
quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and
quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
Jesus vs. Elvis
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."
(Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception
High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to
be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Fruit Cake Recipe
==================================================================
Fruit Cake Recipe
===================================================================
Here's my favourite recipe for fruit cake.
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a
teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a
bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off
the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar
or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the
whisky again and go to bed.
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New Priest
The monsignor of a large and venerable parish was getting on in age, so a
young priest was assigned to assist him. The new priest was a quiet and
well organized young man who soon had the parish running smoothly. He
was just about everything the monsignor had been praying for - with one
glaring exception. The young lad was painfully shy.
Being as shy as he was, the young priest couldn't handle a mass by himself
or even hear confession. The monsignor believed that, in time, he would
get through this stage provided he wasn't pushed to take on too much all
at once. Therefore, the monsignor told the young priest to give the sermon
during the early mass.
To make a long story shorter, the young man was pitiful. He stammered,
blushed and dropped his notes. You couldn't hear him at all unless you
sat in the first two pews. It was clear that just giving the sermon was
the worst torture this young man could ever be put through.
The young priest asked the monsignor how he'd done. The monsignor replied,
"You did just fine. You made some excellent points, and it was clear that
a lot of planning had gone into your sermon. But, if you don't mind my
saying so, you seemed a trifle ill at ease up there. It reminded me of
when I was just starting out. An older priest advised me to fill the water
carafe with gin and to take a swig whenever I began to feel tense. I did
that for my first couple of sermons until I got the hang of it. Maybe you
should try that next week."
Well, the next week's sermon was entirely different. The young priest
pounded the pulpit as he preached of hell and eternal damnation. The entire
congregation was riveted to the edge of their pews as he described the fire
and brimstone that awaited this sorry lot of sinners. Just when he had
them all convinced that they were beyond redemption, he spoke softly and
powerfully of the loving forgiveness of Jesus.
After the sermon, the young priest weaved over to the monsignor and asked
how he'd done. The monsignor replied, "Excellent, my son, excellent!
That had to be one of the all-time greatest sermons I've ever heard, and
your delivery and timing were masterful. Mind you, there were a few minor
points that I think we should clear up now; namely,
1. There were twelve apostles, not ten.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. David slew Goliath - he did not "beat the living sh*t out of him."
4. We do not as a rule refer to Our Lord Jesus Christ as "the late and
great J.C."
5. Next week there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
6. We never, under any circumstances, refer to the Holy Trinity of the
Father, Son and Holy Spirit as "Big Daddy, Junior and Super Spook."
Short Runway
An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility
is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to
land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear,
check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands
and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the
runway.
"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest damned runway
I've ever landed on!"
The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."
"If...you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning. -- Catherine Aird
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
"I don't know what a RISC microprocessor is. The only thing RISC means
is 'not commercially successful.' "
- Lewis Pacely, Intel marketing director, 2/95
"Invent a witty saying, and your name will live forever."
- Anonymous
Jesus died for our sins; let's not disappoint him!
Picard/Riker '96
Seen on a tow truck hook-arm:
"The Best Hooker in Town"
Did you hear about the new exercise offer from Brillo?
Send in 3 proofs-of-purchase, and receive "Buns of Steel Wool"
Last modified: Sat Dec 26 10:29:19 PST 1998