BILL OF RIGHTS


Independence Day is one of the few holidays that has kept its meaning.
There may be fire works and hot dogs and all that traditional stuff, but
still the Fourth is a celebration of America.  The Declaration of
Independence, and the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights, and a
succession of actions and events resulting in ever expanding freedom,
human rights, and individual empowerment are actually remembered.  There is
also the false patriotism that worships false idols like the flag and the
Statue of Liberty as things unto themselves rather than representations of
the ideas, but the real stuff is still there.

Among the ideals we celebrate as America is the wall that the Founding
fathers built between church and state.  This wall has served us well,
freeing us from the hollow state religions often found in other countries
and giving religion a vitality seldom found in an advanced country.  Many
scholars believe religion flourishes in America because there is no state
religion and that the wall between church and state requires individuals to
seek their own answers to the questions religions strive to answer.
Answers to such questions as where did we come from, what are we to do with
this life, where are we going, how are we to live a good life, etc., etc.
Many people do not search far for answers to religion's  and life's big
questions, maybe going no further than  the religion of their parents;  but
there being no state religion, a search must be made, sometimes resulting
in the rejection of traditional religions, which, there being no  religion
of the state, is OK too.

In many western countries where there is a state religion, you will not go
to jail if you do not practice the official line, but somehow you will pay
to support what you do not believe;  and other answers to religions
questions will inevitably be stifled by their  very unofficialness.

We all know that many of those who settled America were seeking safe haven
to practice their religions.  Religions that were being oppressed in
Europe.  We also know that when they got here, they were as oppressive of
others in some of the colonies as the European countries had been.  It was
from this oppression and the reliance on reason, that was a cornerstone of
the Enlightenment, that the tradition of separation of church and state was
born. We must remember that even the Enlightenment sought answers to
religions questions, and I believe that  this focus on religion and
philosophy that led so many to come here, is with us today as an integral
part of our country.

Today in our Unitarian Universalist churches and fellowships we push this
tradition every week.  We seek our own answers individually to the great
questions of life relying on no religious dogma or creed, each being his or
her own seeker and answerer, each being personally responsible to find a
path to leading a good, honorable, ethical and fulfilling life, relating to
the cosmos as best we can in our own smallness.  This freedom to believe
individually without oppression is one the great gifts we have received
from the founders of America. Today, on this Fourth of July, in our little
fellowship, we can truly celebrate.

Let me tell you a story about the 4th of July.  It happened in a town in
America, east of the Mississippi.

In 1958, the Fourth of July was to be a big deal in the Bane family.  The
Banes were a typical middle class American bunch.  There was father Bane,
or "Dad", as the kids called him, and  mother Bane, whom the kids called"
Mom".  The kids numbered four.  The oldest was Clyde, followed by, Dick,
Jane and Sally.  Father Bane, his name was Buster, Buster Bane, had thought
up the name Clyde for the first child.  He liked the long "I" sound of the
name and when he said it , he said it long and slowly - Cly-y-y-de.  He
made a sort of weird grin as he said the name.  Mother Bane, her name was
Max, didn't like the name Clyde and as a term of the agreement with Buster
to name her first baby Clyde, she had free rein picking the other names, if
there were other babies to follow, which it turned out there were.  She
picked Dick, Jane and Sally from the readers used in grade schools.  Max
loved the Dick and Jane books.  She had once belonged to the Book of the
Month Club, but gave it up to concentrate all her reading time on Dick and
Jane readers and an occasional copy of True Romance magazine.

Max had in her mind, if you asked her what she liked about Dick and Jane, a
particular picture of Sally and Spot, the dog, walking in the rain.  Sally
was holding an umbrella and was wearing one of those bright yellow rain
coats kids used to wear.  For some reason, that picture was very comforting
to Max. All that was missing in the Bane family was a dog.  The Banes had
no dog.

Not all people like or want to have dogs.  The Banes were neutral on the
subject. Dick, Jane and Sally watched Rin Tin Tin and Lassie on television
every week, but who didn't?  Yet this 4th of July they were going to get a
dog.  The reason was that Max had this picture in her mind of Sally and
Spot and she felt that the addition of a dog would complete her household.
A lot of people think this, that is why there are so many dogs living in
houses.  Max did not like the name Spot for a dog though.  She found it to
be trite and boring and of no significance.  She had in mind a name for the
dog, but before she would announce the name she insisted on picking the
puppy.  She wanted to be sure the name and the dog went together.

Max was the grand-daughter of Willard Strunk, the famous Spiritualist, who
conducted seances for the rich and famous in the late Nineteenth Century.
Willard made a good living conjuring up the dead for a fee of fifty dollars
per session per person, a grand sum in those days.  Willard also predicted
the future.  Sometimes he predicted the future for free, but only to
journalists who were sure to print his predictions, keeping the name of
"Strunk" before the public.  Willard knew that fame was fleeting and that
celebrity had to be nurtured.  In the 19th century though, fame lasted more
than fifteen minutes.  Things moved slowly, although the telegraph was
speeding things along. Willard liked to make predictions about the changing
of the century.  He foresaw all kinds of wonders and calamities.  Willard
insisted to his son, Willard junior, that he, big Willard that is, had real
powers to see into the future and to speak with the spirits of the dead.
Willard Junior was intimidated by his father and was convinced that he did
indeed have special gifts.  Willard told Junior that on his twelfth
birthday he would be bitten by a dog.  He told Junior this when he was six
and repeated it often. So Willard Junior was dreadfully afraid of turning
twelve.  As happens though , he did.  He planned to spend his birthday
indoors to avoid the predicted dog bite.  He had prayed and prayed, for at
the basis of Willard's ability to speak to the dead, was a belief that
there is an afterlife and all, and he passed theses beliefs on to his son.

Junior was doing fine until about 4:30 when the kiln his mother used to
make Willard Senior figurines to sell at the seances, exploded.  The kiln
was in a shed in the back yard that in earlier, simpler times had been a
chicken coop.  There were about ten Willard busts in the kiln and when it
blew there were Willard pieces all over the yard.  Junior ran outside to
see if his mother was all right.  She was not there, causing Willard to
mistake some of the Willard shards for his mother.  Had he looked closely
he would have seen that they were not pieces of his mother, but Willard
Junior was a high strung youth leaning toward frequent displays of
hysterics.  He shrieked and cried out, "Oh mother where are you,  what has
happened to you?" and other things like that.

 Mother was next door having a cup of coffee with Reverend Tryst, a most
solemn man with an unfortunate name.

Rev Tryst was the Minister at the Third Universalist  Church.  Third
Universalist was one of those Universalist churches that sprang up all over
the place in the late Nineteenth Century.  The Universalists did not believe
in eternal damnation.  They believed that a loving god would not condemn
his creations to eternal suffering and they taught a doctrine on universal
salvation.  All would be saved, not just the chosen; god loved all his
children.  There was an uplifting element to these teachings of universal
love and salvation, and the Universalists flourished for a time.  Mrs.
Strunk, her name was Eva, liked to have coffee with Rev. Tryst.

Willard Strunk did not approve of Rev. Tryst.  As a Spiritualist, he
thought it was necessary for people to believe that bad people went to hell
and good people went to heaven.  Willard used this belief to raise his fee
and to reassure people that their loved ones were indeed in the good place.
People liked to hear this about the departed.  It was good for business
and besides, Willard actually thought it was so.  What was the good of
being good if every damned fool was going to heaven anyway?  Might as well
be a scoundrel.  Willard never associated what he did with being a
scoundrel.  He thought he really did have some powers, and if he
exaggerated them for effect so what.  Willard  spoke against the
Universalists, and at one point had tried, with some local ministers, to
stop the building of Third Universalist inside the city limits.  To no
avail.

The Rev. Tryst was a widower, his wife having been struck by lightning the
day Rev. Tryst was ordained.  To be perfectly candid, his name had a
certain mysterious attraction for women who would not actually think of
doing such a thing yet were drawn to the man as though his name held some
secret promise.  Rev. Tryst never knew why women were drawn to him, nor did
he especially enjoy their company.  He thought women were silly and
superficial.  He wasn't that broken up when his wife was struck by
lightning, as she had proven to be a bit of a shrew. The fact that she had
died on the day of his ordination did convince the Rev. Tryst that the
supreme ruler of the universe was keeping an eye on him, though.  As a
result, he felt it his duty to tolerate the company of women.  This is what
he was doing when the kiln exploded.

Ka-boom it went, and was followed closely by the screams of Willard Junior.
Out the door ran Rev. Tryst and Eva Strunk.

What really gave Rev. Tryst pleasure was his dog.  He had a great Airedale,
the king of terriers.  The dog's name was Bill of Rights.  Rev. Tryst was a
great believer in freedom, especially religious freedom, as his was a new
denomination that had teachings in conflict with the established Christian
churches.  For the most part, they taught salvation was only for those who
could pass god's test at the golden gate, others would all fry in hell.
Some of these churches didn't like the teachings of the Universalists and
did preach against them, as the Universalists were stealing members. This
did not endear Universalists to the established churches.  Rev. Tryst was
well studied on the writings of the founding fathers and was quick to bring
to his defense the likes of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.   He could
become quite passionate about these writings, and it must be said some of
his ambivalence toward women sprang from his belief that they could not
discuss such topics with any sense of authority.  Strange thing was though,
he spent more time with women than with men.  This may have been a
condition of his profession or it may have been that his ambivalence was a
way of protecting himself from expressing deeper feelings toward his female
parishioners.  We  will never know.  Anyway, the dog was named to honor the
founding fathers' wisdom.

Bill of Rights was a big Airedale, about ninety-five pounds.  If you have
never been acquainted with an Airedale you will not understand the
significance of this being the kind of dog he owned.  Airedales are
stubborn, pigheaded, independent and insensitive to pain.  Hit them with a
board, shock them with electricity, do what you will to cause an Airedale
to veer from its own course, and you will surely fail.  The Airedale will
go where it wants and do what it wants, regardless of the pleas of its
master.

Bill of Rights lived on the back porch.  It was a big porch all screened in
and reinforced to keep the beast from running through the walls.  As Eva
ran out the back door, Rev. Tryst stumbled, leaving the door vacant just
long enough for Bill of Rights to make his escape.  Bill of Rights loved
romping around the yard.  He loved it!  He ran past Eva, who was convinced
that Willard Junior had somehow exploded, as all she could see was a black
cloud and all she could hear was his screaming.  The dog was way ahead of
her.

Willard Junior was bending over to pick up a piece of what he believed was
his exploded mother, although he was confused as to why she had turned into
ceramic.  As the cloud lifted, Willard Junior's bottom was the first thing
visible to the dog.  Bill of Rights ran at Willard Junior and took a
tremendous bite right out of his left buttock.  The boy stopped shrieking
for his lost mother and started shrieking for his lost buttock.

Eva arrived on the scene and took a wild kick at Bill of Rights, who was
clamped onto Junior permanently. She missed and spun around just as Rev.
Tryst arrived.  He ran into her and for a moment they appeared to be
engaged in a passionate embrace.  At that very moment, Willard Senior came
rushing out of the Strunk back door to see what the commotion was.  There
was his wife in the arms of Rev. Tryst, and his namesake was just
disappearing over the wooden fence that separated his yard from that of the
Millers, the neighbors on the other side.  Bill of Rights was shaking
something back and forth in that break a rat's neck motion that dogs have
perfected.  Little did he know that it was Willard Junior's left buttock,
or at least a significant part of it.

"Damnation!"  he bellowed.  He had a big voice.  "Double damnation, you
cursed Universalist wife stealer!"  He ran up to Rev. Tryst, his face red
as a beet, and gave him a tremendous boot in the shins.  Down went Rev.
Tryst into what appeared to be a praying position.

"That won't save you, you universal salvation preaching heathen!",  and he
picked up the a two by four from the remains of the shed and clobbered Rev.
Tryst right on top of the head with it, breaking both his collar bones and
making him permanently three inches shorter.  Rev. Tryst fell over flat on
his face and did not move or make a sound.

"Willard, you've killed him!"  Eva was ashen.

"As for you, you hussy... I'll attend to you later.  Get in the house!"
and he ordered her into the house, giving her a little push.

The Millers , who lived on the other side of the Strunks, were
fundamentalists to the core.  Rev. Miller, not only believed literally
every word in the bible.  He believed judgment day was coming January 1,
1900.  He knew that on that day Rev. Tryst would fry in hell with all the
non believers, Catholics, Jews and what have you.  He hated Rev Tryst and
believed him to be a tool of the Antichrist.  A thing of Satan, spreading
false doctrine among the gullible.  As he now came out to see what was
going on he was horrified to find Mrs. Strunk in the arms of the
Universalist heretic.

When Willard Senior stormed out and clobbered Rev. Tryst with the two by
four, Rev. Miller's heart was joyous.  This was a victory for the lord.

"Witness.  Witness.  I'm a witness!"  he kept repeating these words in a
voice of calm rapture, and danced in a little circle with his arms
embracing his chest.  There was a strange smile on his face as he danced
and chanted the words, "Witness. Witness.  I am a witness."  For Rev.
Miller knew that now he would have the ammunition he needed, and had been
waiting for, to have Tryst thrown out of the ministers' association.  It
was an act on divine intervention.


As he danced in ecstasy, Rev. Miller failed to notice Bill of Rights grab
the club from Willard's grasp and leap over the fence with it gripped
firmly in his mighty jaws.  He leapt into the Miller yard and as he ran
through the yard, the club hit the clothesline support.  As Rev Miller
danced, the bloomers of his tremendously obese old maid Aunt Bertie, who
lived with him, floated down onto his head.  Suddenly, everything in Rev.
Miller's world had turned a billowing white.

"Praise the lord!  It's the rapture"  He boomed it out in his finest
ministerial voice.  "Take me now...take me now...Oh Lordy!"  He could be
heard all over the neighborhood.

His son, Pee wee Miller, came out the door, only to see his father dancing
around and shouting.  "Oh Gee Pop, not Aunt Bertie's bloomers again."  And
he snatched the bloomers from his father's head, bringing to an end the
mood of ecstasy that had overtaken the dancing reverend.

As fate would have it, as these events were unfolding, Silas Warner, a
reporter for the Daily Bugle  happened by.  He witnessed the entire thing.
The next morning this headline appeared in the Bugle:

"Bill of Rights  stops religious oppression." The story that followed was
too garbled to bother with.

Max was told this story by her mother, the wife of Willard Junior.  She had
pieced the details together over the years.  Max's mother was a Unitarian,
and a humanist.  Rev. Miller would really have been shocked by Max's
mother.  Willard Junior had met her at the University where he was studying
law.   He had won the Tryst scholarship named in memory of the great
attorney John Tryst who had left the ministry to become, in a mere eight
years, chief justice of the state supreme court.  Throughout his brief but
brilliant career as a trial lawyer, Tryst had defended the likes of
unionists, socialists and heathens.  His appearance always intimidated his
opponents, for it appeared as though his head rested directly on  his
shoulders and as he spoke it lolled back and forth like a great piece of
fruit in a rocking bowl.

His run in with Bill of Rights had left Willard with a comical walk.  His
left buttock was about thirty percent missing.  This caused Willard Junior,
or Will Jun, as he was called, to tend to circle to the left due to the
stronger walking thrust of his right buttock.  He had been teased
unmercifully  by his classmates and from this teasing had developed a
passion for justice and for protecting others.  That is why Will Jun went
to law school.  He wanted to protect the unfortunate, oppressed and
downtrodden.  Which he eventually did after years of making money for large
corporations by helping them not pay taxes.  But things even out.

He married Sybil, Max's mother and was amazed by her.  It was Sybil who
eventually enabled him to do the legal work he had always dreamed of.   He
did not tell Sybil about his run in with Bill of Rights until their third
date.  She thought it was funny and asked Willard Senior about it on his
death bed.  The old man denied the whole thing, but he did confide in her
that his spiritualist powers were a "bunch of crap".  His actual words.  He
seemed relieved by this confession and died right then.  Sybil did not tell
the family of this death bed confession.

Max thought of this story as her family rode out to the McDowell farm to
get their new puppy.  It was to be an Airedale.  Dick wanted to name the
dog "Rinty" after Rin Tin Tin.  Jane wanted to name the dog, "Lassie".
Sally wanted to name the dog "Spot."  Clyde wanted a gerbil. He hated dogs
ever since one had snarled at him on his twelfth birthday.  Buster was
distracted by a new pinging noise in the new Buick; actually it was a '56,
but it was new to him.

Max though knew that the Airedale puppy would be named nothing other than
Bill of Rights, and woe be to anyone who crossed him.