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(from Jim Moy)

Why did the chicken cross the road?--USAF reactions to this event
follow:

Air Education and Training Command:
The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing
procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the
hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three
miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Ops:
The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure
to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken
should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably
near a road bend in a valley.

Air Combat Command:
The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing
qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing
currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full
moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they
observe another chicken cross the road.

Tanker Airlift Control Center:
We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes
available for another crossing.

Command Post:
What chicken?

Tower:
The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This
road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken
Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens
are required to read back all hold short instructions.

C-130 crewmember:
Just put it in back and let's go.

C-141 crewmember:
I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides, where the
heck are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my
condiments!!!

Fighter dude:
Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I
ain't got time for anymore questions!

B-1 crew:
Missed the whole show--we had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see
it; you'll have to ask the SOF.

Air Force Personnel Center:
Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily
reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year
controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal
assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one
road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its
opportunities
for future promotion.

John Warden:
The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to
bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and
strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will
of
the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to
the chicken.

Congress:
The chicken will do anything to get the C-17 and the F-22.

(from Jim Moy)

Redneck Jedi

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If.......

Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
sheets

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off
bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

(from Jim Moy)

Interesting Facts


*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail
under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about
ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He
spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed
over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a
McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as
is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still
had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and
whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City,
after the Catholic Church.

* Cat's urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run
Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19.  You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever
won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but
only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers
in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is
not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the
Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"

(From Chuck Lutes)

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this Officer.  
• This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.  
• Technically sound, but socially impossible.
• This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 
• When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
• This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
• In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
• The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

(From Jim Moy)

People - please note! The following new computer viruses have been detected in or around the Central Illinois area. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers -- which you _ARE_ doing, I trust.

• OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
• AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
• MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
• POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
• ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
• MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
• TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
• ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
• DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
• DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
• GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
• GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
• TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
• ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
• AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
• FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
• PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
• ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
• OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
• NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
• SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
• JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
• CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
• IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
• STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
• HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
• GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
• CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
• LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".
• CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
• ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

(From Jim Moy)

1. In Star Wars, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
2. The Enterprise needs a big engineering section with an anti-matter unit and normally requires a large crew to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie.
3. After resisting torture from an Imperial interrogation droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like death.
4. One word: Lightsabers.
5. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective to death with a single glance and a gesture.
6. The Death Star couldn't care less if a world is "Class M" or not.
7. Luke Skywalker isn't obsessed with every alien chick he encounters (just his twin sister).
8. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
9. The United Federation of Planets would be in for a big surprise when trying to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid fields at 1/4 impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

(From Jim Moy)

---Have you ever noticed the similarities between some TV shows?

1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.

2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.

3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff as a faulty capacitor.

8) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.

9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.

14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.

15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.

19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

20) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23) Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."

28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32) The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

36) Data falls in love with the replicator.

37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.[or: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love. -psl]

38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

41) Kirk's hair remains consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or: Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics

45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.

(From Phil Curl)

Did you hear of the new Web page for the Scottish sheep cloning lab? Here it is if you want to contact them.

http://www.www.com

or if that doesn't work try

http://www. double-ewe double-ewe double-ewe . com

(from Phil Curl) Things that make you say Hmmm...

1. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
2. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
5. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
6. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
7. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
8. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
10. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
11. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
12. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
13. Is it possible to be totally partial?
14. What's another word for thesaurus?
15. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
16. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
19. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
21. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
22. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

(from Jim Moy) Seinfield quotes

• Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
• Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
• Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
• Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
• If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
• Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
• Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
• Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
• How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
• All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
• Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
• Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
• Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
• Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
• Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something. And what's this with his last name? What does this mean, that he gives away the letter H?

(from Jim Moy)

• A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
• A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
• A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
• There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
• A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
• An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

• A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh, my gawd....", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!?!?!?

• A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
• The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
• "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• ....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
• A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
• Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
• Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Do witches run spell checkers?
• Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
• Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
• ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

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