What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

General Motors doesn`t have a "help line" for people who don`t know how to drive, because people don`t buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine if they did...

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What`s an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It`s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won`t go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There`s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from `E` to `F`.Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an `E` but no `F`."
HELPLINE: "You see the `E` and just to the right is the `F`.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first `E` is a `V`.
HELPLINE: "A `V`?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there`s a `C`, an `H`, the first `E`, then a `V`, followed by `R`, `O`, `L` ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That`s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that`s the panel I`m talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle`s pointing to `E`. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What`s wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that`s what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won`t even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I`m sorry, sir, but it`s your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in `D` and press the accelerator pedal. That`s exactly what I did -- now the damn thing`s crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator`s manual before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn`t work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn`t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn`t crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It`s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don`t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won`t crash anymore!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I`m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

Evolution of a Programmer

Junior High/High School

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

First year in College

program Hello(input, output)
begin
     writeln(`Hello World`)
end.

Senior year in College

(defun hello
(print
(cons `Hello (list `World))))

New professional

#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
{
   char *message[ = {"Hello ", "World"};
   int i;
   for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
   printf("%s", message[);
   printf("\n");
}

Seasoned professional

#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>

class string
{
    private:
    int size;
    char *ptr;

    public:
    string() : size(0), ptr(new char(`\0`)) {}
    string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
    {
        ptr = new char[size + 1];
        strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
    }

    ~string()
    {
        delete [] ptr;
    }

    friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
    string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
    if (this != &chrs)
    {
        delete [] ptr;
        size = strlen(chrs);
        ptr = new char[size + 1];
        strcpy(ptr, chrs);
    }
    return(*this);
}

int main()
{
    string str;
    str = "Hello World";
    cout << str << endl;

    return(0);
}

Master Programmer

[
    uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]

library LHello
{
    // bring in the master library
    importlib("actimp.tlb");
    importlib("actexp.tlb");

    // bring in my interfaces
    #include "pshlo.idl"

    [
        uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
    ]

    cotype THello
    {
        interface IHello;
        interface IPersistFile;
    };
};

[
    exe,uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]

module CHelloLib
{

    // some code related header files
    importheader(<windows.h>);
    importheader(<ole2.h>);
    importheader(<except.hxx>);
    importheader("pshlo.h");
    importheader("shlo.hxx");
    importheader("mycls.hxx");

    // needed typelibs
    importlib("actimp.tlb");
    importlib("actexp.tlb");
    importlib("thlo.tlb");

    [
        uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),aggregatable
    ]

    coclass CHello
    {
    cotype THello;
    };
};

#include "ipfix.hxx"
extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
    public:
    IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

    CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
    ~CHello();

    HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

    private:
    static int cObjRef;
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
    cObjRef++;
    return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
{
    printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
    return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}

CHello::~CHello(void)
{

    // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
    cObjRef--;
    if( cObjRef == 0 )
        PulseEvent(hEvent);
    return;
}

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
)
{
    ULONG ulRef;
    DWORD dwRegistration;
    CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

    hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

    // Initialize the OLE libraries
    CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

    CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

    // wait on an event to stop
    WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

    // revoke and release the class object
    CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
    ulRef = pCF->Release();

    // Tell OLE we are going away.
    CoUninitialize();

    return(0);
}

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <string.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
)
{
    HRESULT hRslt;
    IHello *pHello;
    ULONG ulCnt;
    IMoniker * pmk;
    WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
    WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

    // get object path
    wcsPath[0] = `\0`;
    wcsT[0] = `\0`;
    if( argc > 1) {
        mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
        wcsupr(wcsPath);
    }
    else {
        fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
        return(1);
    }

    // get print string
    if(argc > 2)
        mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
    else
        wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

    printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
    printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

    // Initialize the OLE libraries
    hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

    if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {
        hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
        if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
            hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);
        if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

            // print a string out
            pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

            Sleep(2000);
            ulCnt = pHello->Release();
        }
        else
            printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

        // Tell OLE we are going away.
        CoUninitialize();
    }

    return(0);
}

The two jokes listed above are some from the fantastic collection found sited at Cybercheeze. Drop over to this site and subscribe to Joke of the Day sent via e-mail.

Special thanks to Regan Sterner, Jokemaster.

E&OE