TOMO’S TALE PART I:

"Step right up! Step right up!" Tamahome called out. "Come one, come all to our very first guy auction!" [wild applause and organ music.] "Thank you, thank you." Tamahome said as the crowd settled down. "Now today, we have some lovely stud muffins for sale for one night . My pall Chichiri will introduce our fine specimens." He indicated Chichiri in a sparkling blue tux.

"Pleased to be here- na no da." He said with a bow.

"The proceeds of this event will go to the fund for making me rich, so bid high, ladies! Bid high! Now are ya ready to meet first hunk??" Screams rang from the auditorium. "Well, then take it away Chichiri!" Chichiri opened his mouth to speak. "But first, a song." Tamahome took center stage, and began to sing his famous "ai to iuna no tatakai ni...", but he got no further than the first "now", before the sailor senshi in audience performed their various attacks back at him.

"Fire Soooul!" Mars shouted as she hurled a fire ball at the poor host.

"Geez," he complained, rubbing his singed head. "You’re worse than Tasuki-kun. Now-" [several noisy complaints.] "Hey, I wasn’t singing!! Lemme finish!! Ow!!" A big hammer came from backstage, and clobbered Tamahome on the head. A sweet innocent black-hared girl with a circle on her forehead smiled slyly from the wings.

"Arigatou-no da, Skuld," Chichiri thanked the owner of the hammer. "Now, our first man-no da, is quite a specialty. He’s tall, he’s strong.....and boy is he handsome- no da. Give a big warm welcome- no da, to Mitsukake!" [trumpet fanfare]

The crowd: Oooh! Aaaah!!

"Now, Mitsukake-san", Chichiri began. "How’re ya doing today- na no da?" Mitsukake smiled. "That’s nice- no da. Been healing any sick people lately- no da??" Mitsukake nodded. "Please give us a brief explanation of yourself- no da." Mitsukake smiled. Chichiri leaned over and whispered in Mitsukake’s ear. "What’s the matter- no da? Tama got your tongue??"

Mitsukake whispered back "No, it’s just that they don’t want to pay Ishii Kouji for saying lines."

"Oh, wakatta- no da." Chichiri answered with wink. "So- na no da. Let’s start the bidding!" Chichiri began to talk in very fast voice taking bids here and there, until he finally sold to a young woman, er, cat, up front. "Congratulations, Luna!" Chichiri called the black cat up to the stage. "You’ve won Mitsukake-san- na no da!" [applause].

"We know you’re just doing this to get closer to Tama," Usagi whispered in her cat’s ear. "Urusai!" Luna swatted Usagi’s nose, and proceeded to ride happily on Mitsukake’s shoulder, while making flirtatious glances at Tama on Mitsukake’s other shoulder.

Chichiri smiled at the happy trio, and went back to the microphone. "Ima- na no da. Next up was supposed to be Hotohori-sama, but I’m afraid he had to stay behind today, and rule Konan-" [various loud and vulgar complaints]. "Hey, gomen- no da, but Hotohori-sama is a very busy man!!" Tomatoes, carrots and various other vegetables were being thrown on to the stage. "Hey, Yamenasai- no da!" Chichiri commanded. The crowd was still. "Now, who is going to clean up this mess- no da???---"

"Deeeeeep------submerge!!!!" someone yelled, as a tidal wave swept over the stage. Chichiri rang out his cape.

"Thank you, Sailor Neptune," he said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "So, next up- no da, is a fine fine man, Ranma!!" [applause, "aah"s, and organ music.] "Welcome- no da, Ranma-san." Ranma nodded.

"Let’s start the bidding- no da!" While Chichiri was busily taking requests, Shampoo stuck onstage, and dumped a bucket of cold water over Ranma. Instantly, his hair turned orange, and he grew breasts. Chichiri seemed exasperated.

"Now, what did I tell you about changing into a girl like that- no da??" He demanded. "Only freaks change into girls and back again!!" Chichiri was interrupted by some growling from the Sailor Star-Lights, as Saturn’s silence glaive dragged poor Ranma off stage. Chichiri nervously rattled his notes. "A-hem- no da", he coughed. "Let’s continue- no da.. Now next up, he’s not a sex-charger, but he is a gay cross-dresser. Let’s give a big warm welcome- no da, for Nuriko!" A richly dressed man with purple hair in a slightly vulgar hairstyle stepped on stage, flashing his mole, and smiling. "Does anyone want a little interest in their life- no da?" There was silence for a while, until someone spoke up in a deep voice.

"I’ll take him."

"Why Haruka-san!" Chichiri exclaimed. "I thought you only went for girls- no da!"

Haruka grinned slyly. "Yeah, but he’s close enough." She walked onto the stage to claim her prize. Nuriko was starry-eyed.

"But Nuriko-chan," Saturn whispered from the wings. "I thought you went for guys!"

"Yeah, but she’s close enough!" Nuriko exclaimed. He flung his arms around Haruka, and they walked off stage. The crowd was stunned.

Chichiri scratched his chin. "Hm- no da. A gay cross-dresser, and a lesbian cross-dresser....in a sick sort of way, it works- no da." He was interrupted from his thoughts by a "pst" form off-stage. "Uh, next man- no da!" A sharp dresser with bright orange hair, fangs, and trench coat sauntered onto the stage. "Tasuki-kun!" It took an awful lot of "shh- no da"-ing to quiet the crowd when they saw him.

Tasuki got close to Chichiri and whispered into his ear. "So when the hell do I get my money?" he asked.

"Later- no da."

"I hope you’re not expecting me to sing in front of a bunch of silly females for free!"

"Relax- no da. I’m just going to introduce you, first- no da."

"Well, shit, hurry up, I don’t like the looks on their faces."

Chichiri laughed to himself. "Now- no da. Let me present—"

"Oh, look! He’s so cute!"

"He looks just like my old senpai!"

"Why did I chose to be Seiryuu no Miko??

"What did I see in Nakago??"

"He’s so much better than Tuxedo Kamen!"

"What a pretty boy!"

"I’ve been so blind!"

"Oh!"

"Ah!"

"Chibi-Chibi!!"

"After him, girls!", Tasuki no Miko called as about 2/3 of the audience left their seats and headed for the stage.

"Shit! What the hell is going on Chichiri??!!" Chichiri smiled. "Ah, dammit!" Tasuki grabbed his magic papers. "Genjitsu Shinzaro!!" he cried desperately. The pieces of paper poofed into a bunch of UFO catcher Tasuki dolls . "Shit!" he cried. "What asshole-fuckin’ bitch has been changing my cards into damn dolls of me?? Who the hell are you?! Speak up bastard!!"

Chichiri leaned into the audience, and said in a stage whisper. "Only he could fit every swear word into one line- no da!"

Miaka giggled form the wings. "Ah, it was you! Damn you!" Tasuki cursed, as he tried in vain to escape the crowd of drooling females. "There’s one last chance", he thought. "The tessen." He pulled it off of his back. " Lekka Shiii------iitt!! What the fuck is this??? A flute??!" Amiboshi, who was holding the real tessen in his hand, waved at Tasuki from the front row. "Damn you, Amiboshi! You little shit-ass!!" Tasuki cried, as he was being dragged off stage by the screaming girls. "Damn! Shit! Fuck! Dammiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!"

"And nooooow- no da," Chichiri said, smiling amidst the cries of protest from the last contestant. "I have a special guest for you- no da. His name is Nakago, but, he’s known to you and me as ‘The Asshole’!!" Nakago nervously walked on to the stage, and was immediately bombarded with a chorus of "boo"s from the remaining audience. Nakago looked distressed. "Now, come on- no da!" Chichiri begged. "Doesn’t anyone want the son of a bitch??"

"No way!"

"What the hell are you thinking?!"

"He’s worse than my mother-in-law!"

He doesn’t even have a penis!"

"How much will you pay me to spend an evening with him??" Chichiri sadly turned to Nakago.

"I’m sorry- no da. No one seems to want you- no da."

"The Story of my life." Nakago whimpered as he burst into tears.

"Pathetic- na no da." Chichiri thought to himself. "Sailor Saturn, Please take this man away- no da." Saturn’s glaive dragged the blubbering Nakago off stage.

"Well, I’m dreadfully sorry- no da, but the rest of our eligible men aren’t human", he turned and indicated Artemis, Pegasus, Ashitare, a giant panda, Kumakichi, and Tasuki’s horse. "So ladies, if you’d just—"

"Hey, wait a minute, what about you?"

"Yeah, I was hoping you’d be for sale!"

"Sorry, girls, I uh, DA--!"

"Take your damn mask off!", Chichiri-chan ordered, stepping on to the stage.

"Yeah, and your pants, while you’re at it!"

"Saturn! Some help please- no da!!"

Saturn said nothing, but ripped his silly mask off with her glaive. A collective sigh arose from the crowd, and half of the women fainted.

"Oh, he’s sosososo gorgeous!!!"

"That scar is sooo sexy!"

"Come on now, just take off your clothes..."

"Ah! Help- no da!"

"He, he, he."

"Oh wow, Chichiri, I didn’t know you had such a big—"

KNOCK KNOCK KCNOK

[silence]

"Gomen kudasai. Donata desu ka? It’s the most handsome guy in the whole wide world who’s thoroughly pissed off because he wasn’t in the auction. Oh, yes, I’m terribly sorry, please come in. Arigatou."

Immediately, all the girls broke into the "Long time no see Kouji!" speech. [the irresistible follow up of that routine], and began to dance arm in arm, until...

"Now, Tomo, don’t you think that’s enough playing for today??", Soi asked.

"Aw, come on, Soi, I’m just making a few little illusions for the Internet users."

"Now, you know what I said about that. This is my web page too, and you’re using up too much space with this. How am I supposed to find room to put all those pics of me and Tasuki snuggling on line??"

"If you’d let me make this illusion a little longer, you would have demonstrated them in the story", Tomo mumbled under his breath as he closed his shin, an set is aside...for another day.

The End. >: )=