(back)
As always the reality of most situations miss me on the first, and sometimes several, occurrences of any given event. But given enough margarita and chilidog induced visions I generally can figure out the particulars of any set of circumstances.
This tale is just one of those situations and relates my witnessing of what I now know to be an ages old problem of severely localized global warming.
For a few years now certain factions of our society have been warning us of the doomsday problems of global warming. They have however been woefully deficient in warning us of the far older and greater dangers of severely localized global warming. A danger that has been with us since man first discovered that oak trees burn and to many margarita’s can be just as bad for you as good for you.
My first experience with severely localized global warming happened far to many years ago to clearly remember all of the details, but the resultant pair of melted boots and the smell of burning flesh will never be completely forgotten.
This witnessing of my first occurrence of severely localized global warming happened long before the concept of global warming was invented. In those days, science was not advanced enough to realize that a decline in average global temperatures heralded global warming not the coming of another ice age.
When winter camping in those dark days of science it was a common practice to set fire to a large oak tree in the center of the campsite in an effort to keep any advancing ice age glaciers at bay. Around this fire we would sit at night regaling each other with tails of daring, thumbing our noses at the coming ice age by drinking margaritas, and tallying the number of endangered Southern California Rhinoceros, we had seen that day.
The endangered Southern California Rhinoceros has since turned invisible and are very hard to spot, but that is another story.
It would be under these situations that frequently strange occurrences of what I now know to be severely localized global warming would occur. One moment we would be huddling close to the campfire, our body temperatures dropping to dangerously low levels, and the next the air around our boots would be hot enough to cause spontaneous combustion.
If you were far enough away from this sudden hot spot, to not be affected, a great show was to be had watching your compadres, as they tried desperately to leap out of their boots and run at the same time seeking out an ice cold mountain stream, probably fed by a near by glacier, to cool their burning feet.
Strangely enough the colder the weather the more likely these occurrences. I once was witness to these sudden hot spots forming three times in one night around one pair of boots.
Applying the Al Gore principles of environmental science, I soon determined that the only plausible explanation for these mysterious hot spots were the green house gasses emitted from the burning oak tree. These gasses, at one time we called them smoke, would magnify the moonlight to such a degree that anything or anyone caught in this magnified beam of light would be instantly incinerated. This effect is not unlike boys frying ants with a magnifying glass on a sunny day.
The signs of severely localized global warming are easily identified after the fact, and include melted boot soles, steaming pant legs and up to second degree burns on the soles of ones feet. Secondary effects include hypothermia and frostbite caused by trying to counteract the effect by setting in a cold mountain stream.
I have also heard third hand of a similar event that has all the earmarks of severely localized global warming but focuses on the upper body and face of the victim rather than the legs and feet. The tell tale sign of this occurrence were a severely burned face and a down filled jacket that suddenly shrank two sizes with the wearer still inside. I have been told the hapless victim looked a little like a shrinky-dink.
Fortunately as I have grown older and wiser, and the Forestry Service prohibits me from burning every oak tree in sight during my camping trips, the occurrences of severely localized global warming have diminished. However it may just be that the hot spots have moved from the campsites into the suburban areas, as the sidewalks do seem to be a little warmer in the summer than I remember them as a young lad frying ants with a magnifying glass.
In conclusion I can only say take heed of my warnings and avoid severely localized global warming, and young boys with magnifying glasses, as much as possible, or be prepared and bring an extra set of boots on your next camping trip.
(top)