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Many things are at first confusing to me. But in due time, no doubt to my uncannily logical bear-trap like mind, I like Sherlock Holmes am eventually able to determine what is responsible for any given event.
This is precisely why it took me several months and two off-road camping trips to determine the exact cause of the numerous dents occurring to the sheet metal of my Jeep and that of my friends.
Incredulous as it may sound I have determined that these dents are caused by Invisible Rhinoceros's that inhabit southern California mountains and deserts.
Now I am not talking about the usual rash of sheet metal dents that occur on any four-wheel drive trip. We all know those dents are caused by the usual reasons of getting falling down drunk and hitting your head on whatever piece of sheet metal is handy. Or more typically when you kick a convenient section of the offending vehicle because it fails to start after a hard night of draining the battery to run the Margarita blender.
No, I am not even talking about the dents caused by Nocturnal Migrating Oak Trees.
No, I am talking about those dents that suddenly appear in sheet metal that used to be perfectly flat and dent free.
The first occurrence of this, at the time, unexplained phenomenon happened to a trail companions J-10 pickup.
There it was, for the entire world to see, an unexplained dent in the passenger side door approximately three feet off of the ground.
Obviously we were confused and concerned about this dent as it was still early in the evening and no one would admit to being falling down drunk yet, and the Margarita blender hadn't even been taken out of its case.
At the time the logical explanation was that someone was in fact falling down drunk and to ashamed to admit that they could no longer hold their liquor. This explanation satisfied everyone and the Margarita blender was brought out for a night of merriment.
The second occurrence of this phenomenon happened to my own Jeep. Again there it was a huge dent in the passenger side door approximately three feet off of the ground.
This concerned me greatly as once again it was early evening, the Margarita blender as still in its case and every one present swore they were sober.
It suddenly occurred that these two dents and very possibly others that we had blamed on Nocturnal Migrating Oak trees, bad driving, and too much liquor were in fact caused by a hitherto undiscovered species of Invisible Rhinoceros.
I came to this conclusion reluctantly for three very good reasons.
First, if they were in fact invisible how was I to be sure they were in fact Rhinoceroses. After thinking about it for a few moments I realized that they must be Rhinoceros's as a Rhinoceros is the only animal with a single horn on its head other than the fictitious Unicorn and the Narwhale. And the Narwhale has been extinct in California for many years.
Secondly if it were in fact an Invisible Rhinoceros making the dents, why were there no Rhinoceros tracks found near the vehicles and why didn't we hear the Rhinoceros hit the vehicle. This lack of evidence was a little harder to justify but the answer finally came to me in a rather vivid vision induced by a Margarita and a chilidog.
"THEIR TRACKS ARE INVISIBLE" duh!
Hey! I never said I was fast just good.
The problem of not hearing the attack is best answered by the old question: "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it make any noise"? Paraphrased to: "If an Invisible Rhinoceros runs into your vehicle and you don't see it because it's invisible does it make any noise"? Obviously as we didn't hear it, it doesn't make any noise is the answer to both questions.
And finally I had to justify alerting the world to the existence of a previously unknown species of animal. We all remember what a stir the discovery of Spotted Owls and Gnatcatchers caused.
Can you imagine how easy it would be to classify the Invisible Rhinoceros as an endangered species based on how many of them the Sierra club could find on one of their bird watching trips.
I for one did not want to be regarded, as the cause of more public land closings to protect the habitat of the Invisible Rhinoceros.
So in an effort to keep existing areas open to off-road vehicles I think it best that we not say any more about the Invisible Rhinoceros. At least, not until I can come up with an accurate count of how many of them exist and what their territorial range is.
So if you come across any unusual dents in your vehicles, I think for the good of the sport you should simply blame it on your drunk friends or the ever present Nocturnal Migrating Oak Trees.
But the existence of the Invisible Rhinoceros should be kept a tightly guarded secret, revealed only to fellow off-roaders when they refuse to believe the obvious causes.
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