The only thing that told me he still cared a little about me was the small love heart drawn at the bottom of the page.
But even that looked like it had taken an effort.
So, with no way to contact him, I was left with his sad letter and the love heart for almost a month, dwelling on what was going on.
As soon as I heard Hanson were back in the country, through Steve, not Tay, I rang him.
Ike answered the phone and I gathered he knew nothing of our problems as he and I talked for almost an hour.
Zac came on and we talked for almost as long.
At last Tay made his way to the phone.
‘Hey.’
At the sound of his voice I broke down.
The rest of the conversation was in between sobs.
‘You’re going somewhere and leaving me behind. I realize that, but I can’t accept it. I don’t want to accept it. You’re forgetting about me.’
‘I’m not forgetting about you Tay! I just.......I don’t know!’
‘I don’t get it. I worked you into my life, why can’t you do the same? Just because you have a chance to reach your dream doesn’t mean you can push everyone away. What happens if you don’t get it? Who will you have left then?’
‘Tay! Don’t....don’t say that, please? I need you...I do.’
‘Then why does it feel like you don’t?’
‘Tay! You know I need you there for me, you are everything to me. I do, I swear!’
‘I don’t think you do.’
‘ You say...you want...diamonds in a ring of gold, you say...you want....your story to remain untold...but all the promises we made...from the cradle to the grave...when all...I want...is you........ ’
The tears that night flowed onto a page in my latest notebook.
The words to another sad love song filled the page.
Pain, heartache, longing, wishing you could go back and right things.
But no words were coming.
I knew deep in my heart, Taylor and I were drifting, and nothing I could ever say to him or write could stop the flow once unleashed.
‘ You say...you’ll give me...a highway with no one on it, treasure just to look upon it...all the riches in the night....you say you’ll give me...eyes on a moon of blindness....a river in a time of dryness....a harbor in the tempest....but all the promises we make.... from the cradle to the grave...when all...I want...is you........ ’
I screwed the paper up and threw it away.
No words were enough.
I didn’t hear from Taylor for two days after that, but somehow the pain I felt got pushed to the back of my mind.
The news of a possible song being accepted saw me racing to the phone to ring Tay and tell him all about it.
‘Tay? Tay! Guess what?’
‘Peta? Is that you?’
‘Yeah! How are you? I heard you had a great time in England.’
‘Yeah, it was ok. I met some really nice people.’
‘Cool. So, ah, guess what happened?’
‘What?’
I blurted out to him the details. The song was called ‘Dreaming’ and it was a ballad I had penned one night when I was missing Tay. Though a lot of my songs had nothing to do with him.
~ DReaMing ~©
‘ When darkness reaches out to you/
and sunlight seems so far away/
just reach deep inside your heart/
and I’m with you every step of the way/
When clouds hide your moon/
and dreams slowly die/
I am there with you/
you have no need to cry........./
Reach down inside your heart/
and you will find me there/
you only have to look in my eyes/
to know I really care/
Reach down inside your heart/
and find the rainbow of your dreams/
Looking in the mirror/
tell me what you see/
why are you crying and afraid/
you’re all I want you to be/
Taking my hand in yours/
tell me all your fears/
let me take them from your soul/
let me dry your endless tears.........../
oohhhh.......tears........noooooooo
Chorus/
Don’t you be afraid/
when the night closes in/
because I’ll be there like the sun/
I won’t let your fears win/
Chorus/
I’m there/
inside you heart and your soul/
I’m there/
I’m here with you now...............
Chorus and Ad lib to fade.
And that was the song that would either see me sent to stardom or crash and burn.
Throughout the conversation, my heart and spirits rose, Tay and I were getting on like old times, but I feel back down when I invited him up for a few days.
‘I...don’t think that would be a very good idea.’
‘Huh? Why not?’
‘I just......’
‘You don’t want to see me.’
‘No! It’s not that! At all! I just think that this time apart will do us good you know. We need space to see if we can handle it.’
‘What are you saying? You want to go out with other girls too?’
‘No, I’m not saying that. You know what I’m saying. I just think you need sometime to yourself while you get this all happening.’
‘Fine, you don’t want to be here for me, don’t. I’m not forcing you. You can stay as far out of my life as possible as far as I’m concerned. I couldn’t care less. Goodbye Taylor Hanson, Mr. I-have-the-world-on-a-plate.’
And I hung up before the tears could crack my voice.
There were so many other things I could have said to him then, so many other insults or pleadings.
But I just couldn’t.
The next few days flashed by in a haze of sad oblivion.
Taylor and I had put our relationship, and it seemed our friendship, on an unofficial hiatus, yet I still had work to do.
Before I knew it, it was three whole months since I had seen him last.
His face ached before my eyes.
‘ You-hooo, all I want is you-hooo....... all I want is you-hooo...... all I want is you-hooo......... ’
We had been through so much, why did it feel like I was giving up so easily?
Despite everything going on between Tay and I, I still managed to get myself together and get a song ready for airplay.
The next step was promo appearances and shoots and interviews to get coverage.
I was in for a big month.
At one stage, when I was spending time in Chicago to promote “DReaMing”, I found myself staring at a calendar and realizing that today Tay and I would have been together for one whole year.
‘Tay?’
‘Hello? Who’s this?’
‘Hello? Who is this? Look....’
I could only drop the phone and cry.
‘Introducing the latest off the pop scene, from Hanson’s hometown of Tulsa, give it up for Peta Thomas!’
Out on stage I went, singing for my somewhat small but loyal fan base like it would be my last performance, full of cheer and bop.
‘....Reach down inside your heart/ and you will find me there.........’
Yes, the crowd loved it, and I loved them, but somehow I think they were getting sick of the same song.
Little airplay had not given it the chance I had wanted, so it was back into the studio to try again.
‘Back to the drawing board!’ as my manager would say.
I was beginning to know what Hanson must have felt like.
song credits to U2, "All I want is you"
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