And here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for. . .
Here they are - the long-awaited Darwin Awards for 1999.
For those of
you that are new, the Darwin Awards are given every year to those
stellar candidates who, through their own idiotically self-inflicted
deaths, give their maximum contribution to society by cleaning out the
gene pool. Enjoy!
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from
inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The
concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating
Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a
nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times
by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee
venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional
revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it, "the dancer identified
only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they
were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him
against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart
wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin
Awards.)
In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank
some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the
last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely
and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged
into the sea. The sudden dunking
extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged
out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died
of hypothermia.
RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he
had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices
as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was
full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult
population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To
enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the
counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and
a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman
Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive
microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next
to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety
violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay
spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier
infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a
restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the
microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay
warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures
often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within
human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his
Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic
lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave
beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned
that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling
traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who
was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must
have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that
Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
