If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot and something cold, cold?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Psychotics build castles in the air, neurotics live in them, and psychiatrists charge them rent.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? NOBODY KNOWS!
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick
Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. -- Unknown
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table
Life is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
Support Bacteria.. it may be the only culture some people have
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
"God is to me that creative Force, behind and in the Universe,
who manifests Himself as energy, as life, as order, as beauty,
as thought, as conscience, as love." -- Henry Sloane Coffin
Minds are like parachutes they function best when open.
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough. -- M. C. Escher
"Dwn wth vwls." ~ Ruth Ollins (or Rth llns ;oD)
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
"Have a nice day!" - 'Thank you, but I have other plans.'
"Meow" ...splat... "Aarf" ...splat... (raining cats and dogs)
"You want to be buried or cremated?" "Surprise me."
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight
Cat bathing is a martial art
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Define: (n.) De ting you get for breakin de law
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier
to live with..
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check
3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.