On that one hour drive home today...at 60mph...
...up ahead on the side of this country road...
...I saw a lifeless black ball of fur.
The car plowed into the sadness that permeated the air...
...and in that instant of recognition...in the quiet of the commute...
...a low, slow, audible "meow" purrrred across my lips.
As I passed...all reality dissolved into surrealism.
It was only my forward movement that carried me through.
I thought... at first... that the uttered sound...
...had risen up from within my being...
...like a universial compassionate OM for all life.
...but in the silent, pensive aftermath...I realized...
...it was the "cats meow"
I'm sitting at the computer...and staring contemplatively out the window... at the snow... that starting falling about two hours ago. Its heavy and wet. A typical Spring snow that may be a foot by tonight. 50 degrees Tuesday... 60 on Wednesday. Another change in the seasons. A change that is relatively constant compared to our own...my thoughts come and go like the falling flakes...with no real focus...yet I feel a subtle bond to some universal oneness...or maybe...its the Pepsi I'm drinking?
I had just begun my daily sojourn when some ethereal alarm
went off...I glanced down at the radio clock...5:55...hmmmm....and in the ensuing minutes numbers
became a prevalent theme..32, 55, 222, 61....I thought of an old aquaintance from Vermont....
a self proclaimed numerologist and a novice interpreter of the I Ching. The ride settled into
cruise mode. Music played for the anticipated dawn ahead. The snow covered rolling hills of farm
land rushed by....then up a rise in the road and around a long curve...look!...a large hawk perched
on wire...keen eyed for the movement of breakfast in the dawns early light. It was then that some
inspired artist revealed his mastery before my eyes.... a single large tree, in winter dress, slid
along the horizon and passed as a silhouette against a luminous orange sky ahead. I thought the
surrounding curtain of cyan was a nice touch. The procession continued as the outline of a
church with high steeple took stage...in honor of the creative artist I suspect. (hey G...kind of like the xoombar
or the geocities pop up banner - yea right!). To the left in the distance stood a
large, ominous, cold. high tech, steel tower...possibly the work of the fallen angle. Suddenly the
intense molten solar lava broke over the top of the hilled horizon...it caused the day to break.
I re-entered my conscious self and suddenly realized there had been a lapse in time.
I was now many miles down the road with no recollection of having passed anything after the show.
This may be the onset of some medical aberration, a brief astral projection or a possible alien
abduction. Hey...I drove right by my "egg biscuit with cheese" stop! -- At the end of the day I found
a ticket on my windshield. With some effort I was able to defend my self and returned the ticket
to the issuer. -- Got the approval for a small loan to purchase a modest used vehicle. Do I realy
want it? -- I might have made some comments for the 15th but I spent several hours surfing for a
chinese viewer (my pleasure).
Well.. its almost 1 in the morning again. It was a
long, busy day! Gonna wake up to a list of things to do. It seems Sat & Sun can be just as hectic
as a work day....although the time constraints are a little less demanding. I'll be putting in about 4 hours
of driving so there will be the opportunity to relax, listen to a little music and some public radio. Hopefully
I'll return by early evening.... in time to jump on the computer again. I've spent the last two
nights downloading upgrades with an hour or so visiting other sites. Yea.. its an addiction.
Its been a good week since I've played Unreal...and I've only begun to look at Thief. A couple
of years ago I wouldn't have considered gaming...and I don't like the violence...but I do like
the 3D affects and the ability to interact! hey...it just a minor indulgence.
...the cut Daffodils in the vase behind me and the sound of falling
rain by the window where I now sit reminds me that Spring is here. I think of yesterday...
when two of my three grand daughters sat on my lap while we watch their father, among walls of
technology, explore the latest 3D game. The one I embrace securely with my left arm turned seven
Friday. Last Saturday she read to me, with appropriate inflections, The Cat in the Hat. They grow
so fast don't they? ...in the Springs of their lives.
Well...here we are on a Monday
night. Got a small pile of personal work on the table behind me. Its
been there for more than a week. I could probably do it all in an hour...
but its gonna sit there until the feelings right. In the mean time I,ve found a few
interesting thoughts expressed on the net that have me stuck in a
pensive loop. You know...questions without answers...answers without
questions. I would like to respond but I can't quite reach a resolve that will manifest a single
coherent thought. Could it be as simple as...
....oh by the way, my name is claron. I will be 53 this Oct 15. I've been married 30 years to my
friend of 40 years. We've run the full gauntlet of relationships several times. We have three
children who are now on their own. Our oldest son(and wife) have given us three granddaughters.
Our daughter and younger son will be married this Oct and Nov respectively. On my web page
(http://www.geocities.com/RainForest/7363) you will find a picture of my self back in 69, one
of my wife around 67 and several early pictures of the kids. None of which could be used to
identify us today :). Yea...I'm a special person (cynically speaking). At the expense of
others...I've managed to travel many roads...with never really committing myself to
any direction. I'm sure the fallen angel has on occasion seen some potential in my follies. I am
somewhat "tongue and cheek" and incapabale of sustaining a decent conversation or thought of any
significance. I thus appear to be a listener/observer. When fellow humans try to communicate I
validate myself by nodding my head in acknowledgment. Occasional eye contact helps. I have been
given many chances in life. I've taken advantage of some and let others slip away. I have known
love, hate, anger, compassion, loneliness, joy, laughter, embarresement, pride, mourning, surprise,
doubt, fear, humbleness, wisdom, stupidity, shame, emptiness, oneness...and more...sometimes in
varied combinations
Well...here I am again...2am...wheeew I'm beat. Its been
a busy 48 hours. I've managed to set myself up as a slave to a material object. Yea thats right I
bought a used car. Its already begging me for some minor attention...and of course I had to go
shopping for a decent CD player. Can't have a car without sounds. Put about 400 miles in since
Friday afternoon. In the middle of that game we got an offer on our house back in Jersey. It was a
little less than what we wanted so we made a counter offer. Material things! I'm sitting here
in the quiet of the morning. I hear the fan running on top of my AMD K6 chip, the light drizzle
of rain outside and the long whistle of a train way off in the distance. That realtive silence
is harshly broken by the clatter of my keyboard. On the other hand its the only thing keeping
me conscious. As a high point...I managed to get hugs from the grandaughters today.... its a
great feeling...and good healing medicine...theres so much energy there! Listen...theres that
train whistle again...yea.. time for bed.
Thoughts are fragmented as I reflect on the day.
Uncertainties of work and relationships. The complexities of war and suffering. Internet cyber play or lack of...
News from our realator. Comps for the casino. Tomorrows agenda. Sleep deprevation. The
manifestations of Spring... bringing a sense of optimism and thankfulness...for today and the days to
come.
Made the hour and half drive to the house. Cut and trimmed
the grass. Early spring flowers accent the yard. New growth has broken the grounds surface. Swept
the sidewalk and much of the street. Talked with the neighbors. Got a little sun burn. The grounds
are just large enough to enjoy the work. Stopped at our sons house and dropped off a washer and
dryer. They were not part of the package in the sale of the house. Today was kind of a nice
diversion from this cyber stuff...although I have managed to make my daily visits and now sit here
typing....and now drifting off into lala land. I missed the sunset today.
I have sat here now for several hours with divided attention. I listen/watch Serbian TV, todays pentagon briefings, Albright addressing the Brookings Institute, a press meeting with Turkeys ambassador and other assorted presentations. In summary....the worst and best of humamity. In this same time frame I have made my daily cyber
visits. I pause in thought with each...as a witness...as a listner. Hello...theres that train whistle again...its late...goodnight.
Well... I seem to have some problems manifesting my
thoughts on paper. I'm in front of this computer every day and its just a matter of hittng a
few keys...yet it doesn't happen. Its probably a result of years of watching TV. There was no
incentive to interact or express ones self. However this cyber medium has many possibilities.
One just has to overcome that complacent mindset and become a little more proactive. Even now
I find it a struggle to be expressive. Its not that I don't have a higher level
of conscious thinking...I just have some reservation in making it tangible. I do believe that as
we make our way through life we will encounter many teachers. We just have to keep our selves
open to their presence. This "journal thingy" is a result of a teaching. I'm not sure where
its going to lead but its a path worth exploring. Thank you teachers. You know who you are.
"Its about how to stay happy and calm under all circumstances!" I yelled.
"Have you read it?" asked Pooh.
Today I sat on a foot high wall that bordered the edge
of the roof top of an eight story building. The sky was blue and the air was crisp, There was a
brisk wind to my back. From my perch I could view the city and the minature people and cars below.
Being so close to the edge was breath taking! I imagined myself falling and landing on the roof
top of that black truck. I'd probably have to push off a little...otherwise I would hit the
sidewalk :)....no I wasn't comtemplating....I was making sure the roof top was secure and clean.
We had a subcontractor come in earlier that had actually repelled off the top to clean the windows.
....but it did feel good to be above it all...
I was listening to public radio as I drove to work today.
Near the end of my journy I found myself waiting at a stop light. The announcer on the radio read the
names of the contributors while I stared into the red light. Then clear as a bell I heard the
announcer say "green". At that same instant the light turned green! How did he do that? Then at work... as I got off the
elevator on the fourth floor I visiually inspected the lobby for any detractions in appearance.
This particular floor is not currently being used...so one would expect it to be pristine. A wall
of glass allowed the sun to illuminate the terrazzo tile. The area looked good....except for that
bit of dirt on the floor. I walked over and picked it up. I looked down into the palm of my hand
and this is what I saw.
Sometime in the lateness of night I became aware of the following
conditions: I had fallen asleep lying on my back in the center of the bed.
The sheet and blanket were pulled up to my neck and my hands were to my side.
It was at that moment the cat jumped on to the right side of the bed, slowly walked across my chest and then
jumped off the left side. I opened my eyes. I was not overly startled however there was some minor
apprehension. We didn't have a cat. I closed my eyes...then woke to morning. This accounting is
from some years ago and is one of several surreal states I have experienced. These thoughts were
just recently reawakened and begged to be printed. Now that it is...others will want the same.
I have been away and have thus neglected this journal. Here is some accounting of the time that has past: ...I ran through the woods and out into the desert. The sun had set but there was enough light to be able to see into the distance. I was showing my companion an area I had explored earlier. Over looking the desert and adjacent to the woods was a high cliff. I climbed to the top. The view was breath taking. In the distance you could actually see the moon rising. I called down to my fellow traveler "come to the top". I exclaimed "what a view". He agreed it was well worth the climb. The idea was actually expressed in one word "kewl". We could see a large dune across the desert and knew that it was our next stop. He took the lead and I followed. We made it in short order to the top of the dune. We spun 360 degrees...with spectacular views. Look... there! A puma pranced across the lower dunes. You could feel the excitement....and then there was fear...we had no defence. We spun around and our fears were compounded. There in the moonlight was a griffin...with its large wings it seemed to hover above the desert. The urge was to run back to the cover of the woods. Though he was a wizard and I a paladin we were no match against this mthyical creature. We ran off in the opposite direction in pursuit of a lessor quest....after all... this is the world of Everquest. Its amazing that I could share this adventure(in real time) with my son who lives a 100 miles away.
