"Ways the World Would Be Different if Everyone Were Named Kevin"
As presented on the 01/17/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Former Secretary General of the United Nations: Kevin Kevin-Ghali
9. Musician Prince is "The Artist Formerly Known as and also is Currently Known as Kevin"
8. When someone says, "Knock, knock," and you say, "Who's there?" you can be pretty sure what's coming
7. Your cab driver's name: KEVIIWYŘNN
6. Fraternity guys would all be nicknamed "Kev-O"
5. Punchline to famous joke: "Kevin Goulet? Yeah"
4. When it sounds like Springsteen fans are booing, they're actually yelling "Kevin"
3. There's a really cool Twilight Zone episode about a guy named "Bob"
2. If you're having sex with your wife Kevin, but you're fantasizing about supermodel Kevin Schiffer, and
at the height of passion you accidentally call out, "Kevin!" -- No problem!
1. Popular snack: Slim Kevins
"Signs Your New College Roommate is Nuts"
As presented on the 08/26/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Walks around campus wearing nothing but a spiral notebook
9. He orders Big Macs with extra condoms
8. Whenever you put up a college pennant, he takes it down and eats it
7. Keeps reminiscing about the time he was married to Larry King for a semester
6. His personal web site: www.killmyroommate.com
5. He keeps cutting the eyes out of your Hanson poster
4. Claims to be majoring in something called "gettin' some"
3. His GPA's lower than his blood alcohol level
2. He says he wants to sleep on top, but you don't have bunk beds
1. Has his S.A.T. scores tattooed on his forehead
"Ways the World Would Be Different If it Were Covered With Water"
As presented on the 7/28/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Packwood putting the moves on a Manatee
9. Top prize for "The Price is Right": Towels!
8. Kevin Costner makes hideously expensive movie about life on dry land
7. It would be "The Blowfish and Hootie," my friend
6. Cab drivers would be forced to bathe whether they want to or not
5. Lots of talk on court TV about O.J.'s "bloody flippers"
4. Michael Jackson would have plastic surgery to look more like a Sea Bass
3. It would be considered perfectly good manners to leak out the window
2. David would host the show wearing nothing but a Speedo
1. All Mets games rained out
"Signs Your Home Needs a Spring Cleaning"
As presented on the 04/08/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Someone asks, "What died in here?" and you show them
9. Dust on TV screen gives everybody comical Andy Rooney eyebrows
8. When you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Ed McMahon refuses to get out of the van
7. The so-called "Dust Bunnies" have sharp, snapping teeth
6. Your house gets hit by a twister and it actually looks better
5. Guests take one look at your bathroom and decide to use the backyard
4. When someone from the health department rings your doorbell, you say, "Not again!"
3. Every time you turn on a faucet, you hear a muffled barking sound
2. Even Robert Downey, Jr. refuses to sleep on your floor
1. You've been receiving death threats from Mr. Clean
"Movies Playing in Times Square This Christmas."
As presented on the 12/23/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. "I Saw Mommy Nailing Santa Claus"
9. "Three Elves and a Little Lady"
8. "North Poled"
7. "Nude and Nuder"
6. "Won't You Guide My Pants Tonight?"
5. "The Little Drummer Boy Becomes a Man"
4. "Mrs. Claus and the U.P.S. Guy"
3. "Not-So-Tiny Tim"
2. "Jocelyn Elders Home Alone"
1. "Jingle This!"
"Surprises in the New Sex Survey"
As presented on the 10/27/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Men finished the survey much quicker than women
9. Most common sites for sex other than bedroom: car, living room and oval office
8. Burt Reynolds had a two-year affair with one of his hairpieces
7. Only 15% of ladies are "happenin'" ladies
6. 98% of all sex involves at least one member of the British Royal Family
5. The chairman of the Oscar Meyer Corporation giggles uncontrollably when anyone says the word "weiner"
4. Most popular pick-up line: "Hi, my name is Bob Barker"
3. That Newt Gingrich is one supernatural freakin' love machine
2. Most common teenage male sex fantasy: a partner
1. Sex can get you pregnant Home!
