1. Voting
I do not vote. Why, you may ask, do I not vote? I feel that there is no good choice. Not one of the dingbats running for office is worthy of being there. I see no good choices on the ballot, therefore I do not vote. I decide, instead, to kick back, relax and enjoy the rat race. I love watching to see the ballsack that the majority of the American public has decided that they want as a fearless leader. Now some people may have a problem with this section given the current state of affairs. Picture yourself in my place watching a presidential debate between tweedle dee and tweedle dum. While I do now agree that Bush is an amazing man who is worthy of a round of applause for his words and actions as of late, I did not think at the time of voting that he would have been a good choice. First, his knack for inventing words that make no sense ("misunderestimates" being the latest). Next, the fact that the only reason he got into a place of importance at all was his father's money and influence. And lastly, the republican party's long standing figurehead at the top of the environmental enemy pole. All of these added up to him being a bad choice. Then, there was good old Al "Locked-Box" Gore. I think that his ineptitude spoke for itself. Environmental friend, but as pro-choice as they come, "working class hero", but dumb as a box of rocks, "upstanding man", but boring as a pile of poo on a plate. And don't even get me started on Ralph "Light One Up and Pass it to me" Nader. Are these reasons enough?? Again, I love George W. Bush. I think that the man has become our country's true leader. He has united everyone in a way that most presidents never have and never will. But at election time, I would not have voted for him. For the record, I would have voted for Nader. This would have been bad. That is all.
2. Cyber Sex
This is an appalling act in which most people, at one time or another, have participated. It involves getting off to the computer relayed words of another. This became an object of my disgust after the other day, I was solicited for "cybering" by a girl young enough to be my daughter. After my nausea subsided, I vowed that I would make it my personal crusade to stop this ridiculous form of entertainment. Word.
3. Ice
I have come to the distinct conclusion that ice and I do not get along. I am currently writing this hunched over and looking mighty quasimodoesque due to my latest adventures in slip and fall injuries. For the love of all that is holy, if you are reading this and are in anyway intelligent and able bodied, shovel your damn sidewalk! This would maybe save idiots such as myself the misery of their own two left feet.
4. People that do not write back
This is a big one for me. I cannot stand people that do not write back in a timely manner. For me, it is a simple matter of respect and honesty. I take the time out of my schedule to write to people, and they should have the common courtesy to do the same. I do not care if the only thing I receive as a reply is:
Hey Zak, I got your message, but I currently think you suck donkey scrotum. Thus, I do not wish to write to you at this present time.
Eat it, Johnny
.....this, I would not mind. I, in fact, would grow to love this person even more due to the fact that they had the intestinal fortitude to be forthright with me. However, this is never the case. Most will simple let my well thought out (albeit rambling) e-mails go unrequited. Then, when they finally do write back, it is normally the same response...."I've been busy." I do not have a problem with people with busier schedules then my own. I respect and understand these people. But the least they could do is write a note saying that they are going into a state of solitude for spiritual reasons and won't be writing to me for a while. Or, how about just "Zak, there are things I have to do right now that do not involve e-banter with you." Again, honesty and respect are the only issues. I could care less if someone thought me to be the world's biggest jackass, but I would appreciate them letting me know how they feel rather then leaving me to speculate endlessly about their seemed disappearance. Any questions or details? E-mail me.
Okay, these views are way too organized. I warn you, stop reading now, for I am going to ramble. Who said "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"? If I ever meet the bastard that made this up, he is getting kicked right in the balls. I know it can't be a woman. She would be too smart to say something like that. Why would you make lemonade? It's too much of a pain in the ass. Plus, you need sugar and water to make lemonade. So if life gives you lemons, sugar, and water, you make some frickin lemonade. If there is no offering of sugar and water, you have to think of something much better. You have to leave the lemons rotting on your jackass neighbor's doorstep. Or, you just use them to pelt innocent bystanders. Both options are much more cathartic than making lemonade. Another thing, why the hell do men still wear toupees? After many years of being the ass end of everyone's jokes and the cause of many infant's sobbing, you would think these pitiful idiots would give it up. Do they honestly think these things look good? My advice, take the rat off your damn head and accept the fact that you're old, white, and pathetic. And what's with fat middle aged men who can't admit that they are not the size they were in high school? We've all seen these guys. We call it cute things like "dunlop syndrome" and "beer belly." You know what I call it? Obesity. Plain and simple. Admit it dude, you're fat. Women don't find your hairy chest exciting, no one wears "Brut" anymore, and you sure as HELL don't look good in a speedo or a pair of cutoff shorts. Do us all a favor: Lay off the suds, go to the gym, buy some new clothes, get a new haircut, and, for the love of all that is holy, TAKE A SHOWER!!! okay, i'm done.