Day 32-Day 47

Day 32
	After getting my check from Shane, I went looking for Kane
to get in a little work.  When I found him waiting, I decided to ask him
to tell me some of the things that scared him.  He tilted his head at me,
so I started off by telling him the things that I am afraid of-
heights, spiders, and being alone.  He started nodding real hard when
I said "alone," and, after a long hesitation, he reached into his glove
and pulled out a crumpled, tattered picture.  It was of he and X-Pac,
with him standing behind X-Pac who was holding a microphone.  I
turned the picture over and read a note: "To the biggest, reddest guy
a dude could hang out with.  Hope the good times kick the $hit out
of the bad!"  Then there was a flourish of signature at the bottom-
"Sean."
	When I gave the picture back, his fingers curled around
mine for a second, then he took the photo and walked off.  He's so
sad...it made my eyes tear up watching him.  I can't help but wonder
if he's ever had a day of happiness in his whole life.  I barely know
the guy, but I find myself wiping away tears as I write this.  I have
to help him so that this pain can be erased.

Day 34
	I asked Kane to talk about X-Pac with me today.  He raised
his eyes and looked at me, instead of staring at the floor.  He didn't
seem to be very enthusiastic about it, but he took a leap of faith, and
he and I engaged in the first real conversation that we've had.  He
had lots of trouble, with that slushy voice of his, but once he had started
talking, I knew it would be nearly impossible to shut him up.
	He said that X-Pac had left him because he (Kane) had
tried to save him from the Big Show, though he had been told to stay
out of the match.  He said, with as much emotion as I've ever heard
from him, that he had wanted to protect X-Pac, because he felt the
only reason his brother the Undertaker had been after X-Pac there
for a little while was because he was Kane's friend.  After almost 5
minutes of this, he finally stopped, and I saw that his mask was bloody
again.  Really, he does cry a lot...not that I can really blame him, know-
ing what I do.  I tried to comfort him, but he refused to let me touch
him and left in a hurry.  I think he was ashamed and scared be-
cause he had let down his guard to me so much that I had been allowed
to hear something that he would have prefered to keep buried.  I wonder
if he'll ever be able to break down this emotional wall that he's erected
around himself...and if I'll be the one to get in.
	And I wonder why I'm crying again!

Day 35
	The big guy was really depressed today.  In most of the
cases that I've read about, the patient feels better after letting out
his pent-up emotions, and Kane did seem a little more stable, but I
think that he's still holding back from me because he doesn't feel that
he can completely trust me just yet.  And I think that he wants to have
someone to trust, so he can talk out his problems with someone and
unburden his soul, but he's been betrayed and hurt so many times
before that he just can't give in anymore...not as easily.  This is very
alarming...I watch his matches on a moniter, and he still hasn't changed
from the violent monster he was before.  I know that Shane isn't happy.
I have to figure out some way to help Kane, or he's going to be put
in a hospital, and I can't let that happen!  The only thing I can figure
out is to lay out the consequences for him again and tell him that if
he doesn't calm down, I can't help him!

Day 36
	Kane had that head-tilt going full-blast today, as I carefully
explained to him that if he didn't stop being so savage, he was going
to the hospital, and I wouldn't stand in Shane's way.  I told him that
he had to make an effort to calm down in the ring, because
I couldn't stop Shane-he had hired me, and I couldn't do that.
He looked at me with those sad eyes, then he sort of turned away
and sat sideways in his chair.  I told him that if Shane tried to do anything
and had no reason, however, then I would certainly try to stop him,
but that if Kane made no efforts, then I wouldn't either.  He gave me
that pathetic puppy-dog look again, then nodded real slow.  I hope
that he's going to be able to handle this sort of thing.

Day 37
	Poor big guy.  I arrived today at our spot to see that Kane
was getting jumped by Triple-H and Chyna.  I yelled at them, and when
they saw me, they just sort of scurried off like foul little rats.  When I
got to Kane, he was laying real still, but his eyes were open, and when
I said his name, he looked at me.  After a few minutes, he sat right
up like nothing had happened.  I checked him over for injuries, but
he kind of brushed me off and said real quiet that he was fine.  I didn't
believe him, but he got up and walked off with seemingly no prob-
lems.  How can he take that sort of punishment and not be
crazy!?  This really ticks me off!!

Day 39
	I went to Shane and told him what Triple-H and Chyna had
done.  I told him that nobody could deal with being savagely attack-
ed like that, and insisted that Shane do something about it.  He threw
his hands up in the air and said that he couldn't control Triple-H's actions,
and said that Kane and I just needed to start meeting somewhere safer.
I hotly countered that maybe Kane and I needed our own little office,
and, to my eternal surprise, Shane agreed with me!  He said he would
arrange for Kane and I to start meeting in a room at all of our stops.
I wonder how well the big guy's going to take to this change.

Day 40
	Me and the big guy met in my "office" today.  It wasn't bad,
actually...two comfy chairs, a little desk, and a couch...which Kane
refused to lay on, by the way.  I got him to perch (I can't possibly call
that uncomfortable position sitting) on one of the chairs and settle down
for a while of talking.  I wonder why it is that he won't talk to me about
his previous experiences in the mental ward.  Every time I brought
it up, he did that emphatic head-shaking and kind of folded up into
a little ball on the chair.  I told him that keeping it all bottled up inside
wouldn't help it to go away, but he wouldn't say a word.  After I spent
15 minutes trying to coax it out of him, I finally gave up and told him
that I would be ready to listen when he was ready to talk.  He looked
at me very gratefully and nodded, and then left.  Maybe tomorrow I'll
start trying to get him to actually stay longer...but I do have another
idea...maybe I'll ask him to drive with me to the next appearence site!

Day 41
	Different day, different place, different room...same office.
I really have to remember to thank Shane for that.  When Kane came
in, I asked him to sit on the couch, not to lie on it, and when
he uncertainly did, I sat next to him.  This evoked a fairly humorous
response...he instantly scrunched up against his side of the couch
and looked at me as though I might bite him.  The look in his eyes
was just so funny that I burst out laughing.  He tilted his head at me,
and that didn't help the situation any, so I was in hysterics for quite
a while.
	I finally calmed down, and then asked him how it was that
he got from one of the arenas to the next.  He told me that he had
been "sort of adopted" by Edge and his little brother Christian after
the incident in the hall, and while he admitted that they weren't really
friends, they did take him from place to place with them.  I then built
up serious nerve and invited him to ride with me to our next arena.
He tilted his head, and for the longest time, he just sat quietly, staring
at me, then, he nodded yes!  I smiled at him, but he just got up and
wandered off again.  Now, what am I going to wear on this little "date"
of ours?

Day 42
	I waited on Kane outside the hotel, and he came out a good
10 minutes after all the others had left.  He was wearing a mask as
always, this one black and only covering the top and left of his face
and leaving his mouth uncovered.  He also had on a long-sleeved
black button-up shirt and black jeans.  In this warm weather, he must
have been sweltering in that outfit, but he refused to change into anything
cooler.  I guess he hasn't gotten that comfortable around me yet...I
heard from Shane that he was very touchy about anyone seeing his
burn scars.
	I had moved the front passenger seat of my Blazer as far
down and back as it would go, and he still had to recline the seat some-
what so that he could sit without hitting his head on the ceiling.  The
guy is really tall!  He didn't seem too comfortable...we left at about
9:30, and I had to hold up the conversation on my own until lunch-
time, when he finally said that he was getting hungry.  I asked him
what he wanted, and he just shrugged at me.  While this was sup-
posed to be a chance to make friends, the therapist in me saw this
as a chance to get Kane to start making his own decisions instead
of going along with whoever he was with at the moment.
	I told him that I would pay for lunch if he picked out the place.
He finally pointed at a Chinese restaurant down the street from where
we were, and when I asked if he wanted to go in or get drive-
through, he looked at me strangely.  He finally said that he hadn't eaten
in a restaurant before, and I said that there was a first time for every-
thing.  As we went in, I knew that there were some people staring,
and Kane seemed really uncomfortable.  We had to get a table away
from all the other people for him to feel at all sure of himself.  He hand-
led ordering food easily and had excellant table manners.  How can
a "monster" eat so neatly?
	When we were done, we got fortune cookies, which baffled
him even more.  I showed him how to do it, and showed him my fortune:
"You will be rewarded for your hard work and dedication to your cause."
He then cracked his open and looked at the fortune, and he smiled!
He held it out to me, and I saw the writing: "You will enjoy new ex-
periences."  This got us both laughing, and I realized that this was
the first time that I had even heard Kane laugh...at anything!  He had
a funny laugh-sort of halting and clipped like his speech, but not at
all unpleasant.  It was just so nice to see him acting like a human being
instead of a nervous animal...I guess that's my reward for my hard work
and dedication!
	When we left, Kane sat in his seat and absolutely bubbled
about the restaurant-the music, the smells, the food, everything!  I
swear, he must have gone on for almost 10 minutes about the baby
veggies alone!  I couldn't help but smile at him the whole time, letting
him talk.  This outing seems to have been better therapy than any
sort of testing that I could've done before.  I'm throwing the rest of
my tests and whatever else out...Kane and I are going to start taking
excursions into civilization!
	We eventually arrived in the next city, at the hotel.  Kane
seemed genuinely sorry that the day was over, but I told him that we
could do it again the next time, and that perked him up a lot.  He helped
me carry my suitcases up to my room (I noticed that he only had one
medium-sized gym bag with him...he must not have a lot of be-
longings), and when I told him good night, he seemed to be about
to do something else, but then he just murmured a thank-you and hurried
into his room.  I wonder what was going through his mind when he
was looking down at me like that...

Day 43
	What a huge, monumental, terrible, wonderful day!  When
Kane today, he seemed unusally moody.  I asked him what was wrong,
and he mumbled something about Edge and Christian.  I worried that
he was reverting back into his shy, uncommunicative nature, so I press-
ed him for details.  He finally said that the 2 guys had been teasing
him and saying that he had a girlfriend and singing some spelling song.
How embarrassing!  The others think that Kane and I are an item!
I reassured him that what they thought didn't matter, and that it was
what he thought that was important.  He was quiet, and then,
out of nowhere, he said, "I like you a lot better as a friend than as a
therapist."  I looked at him in surprise, and he held out his hand to
me and asked, "Would you come to ringside with me?  I need you
to do something for me."  Whoa...I was completely in shock
at this request, and I stammered a while before he finally just got me
by the hand and led me out of the room.
	When he got to the exitway, Kane squeezed my hand for
a second, the let go of it as his music started.  I saw an explosion of
light, then, Kane and I started on our way out to the ring.  My heart
was absolutely hammering in my chest, and I scooted a little closer
to him.  I heard the ring announcer calling out the technicalities of
the match, then, "-being accompanied to the ring by Lily Vivian...
KANE!"  Good night...I nearly wet myself.  Kane waited on me to climb
up onto the ring curtain, then stood on the bottom rope and pulled
the second one up so it would be easier for me to get in.  He then
stepped over the top rope and went to the center of the ring, raising
his arms and setting off a whole bunch of explosions.  It was so loud!
He then got me by the arm and escorted me to his corner, ignoring
the whistling of some of the audience.  I wondered who he was facing...
	Then, I heard that music, and I was more than sure
then that I was going to wet myself...It was Kane's brother, the Under-
taker!!  I screamed in terror as he and the Big Show approached, both
of them sneering, and I suddenly felt a flash of anger go through me.
I was more than sure that Kane's bringing me to the ring was a mistake...
the Undertaker was going to find some way to play on the big guy's
emotions...using me!  As soon as the Big Show started to step
over the top rope, I snapped-I ran forward and bounced on the ropes,
jarring him in the privates!  I was very pleased to see that tub of goo
fall over in pain, but the next thing I knew, Kane was shoving me out
under the ropes and out of harm's way, then he started fighting the
Undertaker fiercely.
	I couldn't cheer for him long...the Big Show had only murder
in his mind, and it took everything I had to stay out of his reach.  I kept
running, understanding that Kane needed me to distract the Big Show
to keep him from interferring in the match, but I was getting tired from
being chased around the ring...but then, a miracle happened!
	Kane was being mercilessly pummeled by the Undertaker,
and the Big Show was almost on top of me, with me unable to get
away anymore, and I was screaming again, when all of a sudden,
two people came out of nowhere and sacked Show!  I looked to see
who had come to my rescue, and saw-get this-Edge and X-Pac
attacking him, while the Road Dogg, Mr. A$$, and Christian were in
the ring, pulling the Undertaker off of Kane!  I climbed into the ring
and went to the big guy, and he was hurting pretty bad, but he sat
up and watched what was happening in complete shock.
	It only took a few seconds for the Big Show and the Under-
taker to retreat, glaring hatefully at the seven of us, and they left swear-
ing to get even.  All of the guys came into the ring as I helped Kane
to get up...and I saw X-Pac and the big guy were looking at each
other.  X-Pac kind of hung his head, and Edge brought up a micro-
phone and gave it to him.  X-Pac took it, raised his head and looked
at Kane, and, with a ton of emotion, said, "I'm sorry."  Kane looked
at him for a second, then grabbed him in such a tight embrace that
his eyes nearly bugged out of his head, and he dropped the mike.
The big guy then looked around the ring at all of us...me and X-Pac,
Road Dogg, Mr. A$$, Edge and Christian.
	Seven of us, and all of us pals.
	Edge explained that he and his little brother had understood
what Kane was going through, feeling betrayed by a good friend, and
they had made it their own sort of mission to help patch things up be-
tween him and X-Pac...teaming up with the newly reunited New Age
Outlaws to get the job done.  It had taken a lot of effort, he said, but
they had managed to pull it off here...with a little unwitting help from
me.  None of us could stop smiling as Kane went down to his knees,
and when he looked up again, I saw the familiar sight of blood on his
mask again.
	I hope that Shane was watching.

Day 45
	Shane came into my hotel room today, looking absolutely
furious!  When I asked him what was wrong, he asked me if I was
crazy or stupid!  I sat up from my bed, wondering what he was talking
about, and he told me that Kane had savagely attacked his sister Step-
hanie and her fiance Test last night!  I knew that couldn't be true...
Kane and I went out last night!  I hadn't put it in this journel because,
as far as I was concerned, Kane's therapy was over, and we were
friends!  We had gone to a Mexican place, then to a movie, and we
hadn't even gotten back to the hotel until about 2:00 a.m. because
we had taken a long walk in the park!
	Kane and I were never apart for a minute or two, but when
I told Shane that, he held up a video tape and said that the hotel security
camera had caught the entire thing!  He said Kane was still a monster,
no matter how many friends he had, and that as soon as he was found,
he was going to the hospital!  I told him that he couldn't do that, but
he ignored me and just walked right out of there!  I tried to find Kane
to warn him or get him out of there or something...but his room was
completely trashed and he was nowhere to be found!  Where could
he be?!

Day 46
	Me and the guys (X-Pac, Road Dogg, Mr. A$$, Edge, and
Christian) spent the whole day scouring the town, looking for Kane.
Shane is livid...fortunately, he doesn't know where Kane is either...
he's got everyone else looking as well...even the ring announcers!
X-Pac is frantic...he swears he saw Kane before Shane came to me
raving, but after that, he just disappeared into thin air!  Me...I'm just
scared out of my damn mind!  I think that Kane and I were at the door
of a serious relationship...damnit, I'm through being a psychologist!
I was really starting to like the big guy, and now that he's gone, I'm
feeling completely postal!  We have to figure out what's going on!

Day 47
	We had to move on...Road Dogg and Edge and Christian
have matches at the next site, and they can't risk losing their jobs.
I did the best thing I could think of...I left some money and my home
address in an envelope and left it at the hotel in case Kane returned.
If he did, they were to give it to him...and I hope that he would use
it to go to my place, so that my two older brothers Horace and Tyner
could watch out for him until I got back.  I just hope that he makes
it to safety somewhere...