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The Dartford and District Pipe Band
Nominal Role

(Any similarities between band member's photos and well known celebrities is entirely coincidental)

Pipe Major	Gordon "Pope Gordon III" Mellay	Gordon has the unenviable task of pleasing everyone in the band at the same time. Formerly a UN negotiator, Gordon has had his hands full during rehersals, especially when the drum corps is present. At a recent Highland Gathering, Gordon had the enviable task of accepting the trophy for "Best Band" from chieftain Isla St Clair. A highlight of his career, we are sure.
Honorary President	Roy "Tory Boy" Ingram	Roy is the larger than life Honorary President of the band. Roy enjoys practices, especially at about 11pm, when the band packs up and goes home.
Chairman/Drummer	Andrew "Lord Harpenden" Gallagher	The most likely candidate for a "Bad Hair Day", especially after a late night practice at Alex Fraser's house. Andrew delights in preparing picnics for the band, then leaving them behind. Andrew's talents extend to singing pibroch, "it just comes natchoo, nanaturally after a bottle or three", he blethers. Andrew has visions of running the RSPBA, introducing new rules insisting that all judges wear green socks. Probably the best bass drummer in Harpenden.
Treasurer/Piper	Jim "David Murray" Watson	Jim is fighting back to full fitness following major surgery. "I was only going in to visit an old dancing friend, and before I knew it I was under the surgeon's knife", said Jim. "I told the surgeon to put any spare valves in a pickle jar, in case they were of any use to the band", added a thoughtful Jim.
Secretary/Piper	Mick "Kick" Barnard	Mick is totally committed to the band, even when he's sleeping though a band practice. Wake up, Mick, the bar bill is coming your way! At a recent event, Mick put his diplomacy training to full use. "Hit them before they hit you", he said, after a surprised punter hit the deck after admiring Mick's sunglasses.
QuarterMaster/Drum Sergeant	Euan "Nappy" Mckeeve	Amid concerns that he may be moving to Wolverhampton, our lead tip has forced himself through a low fat Tiramisu diet. The results have been staggering, with Euan withering away to a shadow of his formal self. Clocking in at a mere 20 stone, our slim friend has recently had a new arrival on the home front. Despite the arrival of the stork (there is no truth in the rumour that this was replaced by full fat butter), Euan has found the new responsibilities more conducive to hair-loss rather than weight-loss.
Piper	Ian "Arfur" Allen	Since he started work in the reedmaking business, Ian' skills in salesmanship have soared. Concealed about his person, Ian carries everything from spare pipe reeds to silver mounted pipes, "should a need or customer arise". Outside of work, Ian gets about on motorcycle, which may well explain why his reeds are always "blown in".
Piper	Chris "Fires" Blanks	Chris's home town has recently made a bit for independence. From Chris. Chris, however, has been refused a visa, and is now only allowed to visit his family once a week. Chris's "top tip" is to remove your road atlas from your car to avoid it being stolen. Chris is still trying to encourage his son to join the band by plying him with ale and telling old war stories. Chris competes when he can get out of bed, though we don't yet know what he competes at.
Piper	Hylton "Beggar" Cruickshank	Hylton is a recent addition to the band, having been with us a mere two years. Still awaiting his own uniform, our young Springbok enjoys captivating the audience with his grips during a good day out at a fete. "You can't beat a lovely day like this, where you can even tie up and gag the audience", he states. Hylton brings a multitude of skills with him, although we can't tell what they are yet.
Piper	Allan "The Bollocks" Dunsmore	Allan has brought his considerable talent to the fore since joining the band. He doesn't have to go to the gym, as piping seems to increase his heart rate. Showed that he has ESP when he drove to Ashbourne in his own car. Currently drives a Ford Fiesta, but is trying to import a little German model.
Piper	Alan "Nick Leeson" Flaherty	Alan hasn't been seen at the band for some time now, and rumour has it that he's been locked in a jail in Bangkok.
Piper	Shaun "Stephen Hendry" Forbes	Shaun has spent a great deal of time training for the Ashbourne Gathering Pool Championships. Walking into an unsuspecting bar, Shaun dazzles the locals with his ability to keep all 7 red balls on the table. Quickly signed up for the local pool team, Shaun caps off his debut by missing a sitter over the pocket and sending the cue ball half way across the pub. "I meant to do that", claims Shaun. Recently, Shaun has been modelling kiltie brogues as an up and coming nightclub accessory.
Piper	Alex "FIF" Fraser	Alex has been running the sound department at Channel 4 for some time now, and it is only a matter of time before the band feature in one of his new shows. Alex can normally be found testing his sound equipment in the local pub.
Piper	Rob "Hamlet" Hill	Rob works for a UK security firm which, unusually, offers opportunities to work abroad. So far, Rob has not taken up any of these opportunities as he is waiting for a posting to Canada, allowing him to join the 78th Fraser Highlanders.
Piper	Jo "Memory" Lane	Jo has had a very busy season to date, having been on holiday in Australia, Greece and Ireland so far. Jo has been very busy lately working for her accountancy exams. On occasion, she is able to escape the clutches of her books, and make it to a band practice. Unable to understand where all the time goes, she freely admits that 2 nights a week "don't add up".
Piper	Sue "Spare Sausage Roll?" Mckeeve	The band has struggled by without Sue's presence for most of the 2000 season, but we are encouraged that she is expecting to return to practices as normal soon, along with her baby daughter which Sue intends to strap to her back. "It's never too early to start learning", she explains, "and I need to make sure she doesn't fall into the drum corps". Sue's mum is known for her catering prowess and her ability to take her whole kitchen in a sports bag to long distance events, "should the need arise".
Piper	Andrew "Wicker" Muir	Andy sometimes has difficulty getting to band practices on time, due to being over social at work, and consequently missing his train stop and waking up at Gatwick Airport. Or Brighton. This year's mystery trip was to Nice in France, just prior to the Scotland Vs NZ World Cup 1/4 final. Andy managed to catch a plane back with the All Blacks, though filed miserably to add to their injury list prior to the big game.
Piper	Gordon "Duracell" Mullen	Gordon was shocked to learn we were planning on attending the European Championships in Ayr this year. "The last time I was in Ayr, I got the s*** kicked out of me!", he exclaimed. Make a hasty retreat from the field under cover of daylight this time, Gordon... "How do you like the tunes we're playing this year?", we asked. "But I don't have a dog..." replies Gordon puzzled.
Piper	Hector "Dart Tag" Thomson	In an effort to get away from the drum corps, Hector has recently moved to Southampton and sold his car. In "Another Dartford and District bonding moment", the drummers have taken Hector to court, where he has been issued with an annual train ticket, and ordered to attend practices once a week as community service. There is a nasty rumour that Hector has run out of jokes, and is currently living under Jimmy Tarbuck's floorboards in the hope of learning some new material.
Piper	Andy "Out to lunch" Trepass	Andrew is the self appointed drill sergeant / drum major in the band, having grabbed the opportunity at a recent Scouts parade. Andy pulled off an impressive move to advance from the 3rd rank to lead the band - simply by turning round when the front rank counter-marched. After the ensuing mellee, Andy found himself leading the parade. "I meant to do it as I had to get home for my dinner", he claims.
Drummer	Ken "Livingstone" Atkinson	Ken has been tied up recently with the battle for post of London Mayor. Originally, he thought he was standing in the portaloo queue at Cowal, but eventually realised the mistake he had made. Since then, Ken has been trying to convince Tony Blair to take drumming lessons.
Drummer	Mark "Sumo" Atkinson	Mark recently had his first professional bout at the Ashbourne Highland Gathering, but didn't manage to survive the first round as he headbutted the ground and was carted off by the St. Johns Ambulance Service for a full frontal labotamy.
Drummer	Alan "Bongo" Barrett	At a recent piping competition, Alan turned up to lend a bit of support to the pipers taking part. While purchasing a programme for the event, Alan was press-ganged into judging the solo drumming competition. Marking his debut in this new field, Alan was under considerable pressure until he found out that the "solo" part actually meant there was only the one competitor - who eventually won second prize with a total of 114%. There is no truth whatsoever in the rumour that he has arranged a dresser and a TV/Video to be pulled along in front of him as he plays down the road.
Drummer	Alan "Scotch Egg" Jordan	Travelling up to Cowal, Alan was listed as "Missing in Action". An early departure from Dartford to get to Glasgow meant that the 1st stop by the coach driver was for breakfast. Alan didn't get back on the coach however, and his absence was only noticed 2 hours later when the band hid his Scotch Egg for a laugh. Not knowing where he was staying in Glasgow, Alan miraculously turned up outside the chippy on Byres Road. "Have you eaten yet?", were his first words after a 6 hour train journey on his own.
Drummer	Frank "Suits you" Moore	Frank hasn't been able to decide whether he should be practicing drumming, piping or dressing up. This dilemma has been pondered many times over a small beer whilst listening to everyone else, who seem to think they know what they are doing. Or is it that they know they think about what they're doing? Never mind, Frank, at least you've got a uniform.
Drummer	Gerry "Werthington Originals" Piggot	"Are you on the right wavelength, Gerry?" we ask. "Ich bin ein Berliner!" replies Gerry, showing us all his strong commitment to a new Europe. Gerry is moving to France, but denies that he has built a drinks rehabilitation unit onto his new home. When Gerry does not have a full band uniform at his disposal, he is wont to dress in Lederhosen and direct traffic.
Drummer	Edwin "Stick" Seabrook-Smith	Edwin is well known throughout the band for his impressive ability to put drunk old men with walking sticks firmly in their place (face down on the ground with their hands tied behind their back). "Get his stick", he warns, "he might be able to find his guide dog."
Drummer	Andy "Robo-Drummer" Withers	Nobody is quite sure where Andy keeps leaving his drum sticks these days, but we've been assured that there is no connection with the latest outbreak of Mad Cow Disease. Andy removes the HT lead from his car in case anyone steals it, but keeps a spare in the boot.
Drummer	Iain "Jaws" Withers	Iain is the band's youngest member, though you would never guess this if you met him. Already he's playing in the band, drinking bitter and smoking roll-ups like his father. Also known to whip off his underwear at a moments notice.

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