Name: Keith "Lord Almighty" MacLaren, Froggy, Skot, "Oh, for heaven's sake"

E-mail: St971402@pip.cc.brandeis.edu

Birthdate: In the beginning when God created *KEITH*, the heavens, and the earth, the earth was a formless void... Genesis 1:1-2

Siblings: Neil "Poserboy", Nora "Willie"

School: Brandeis University (Jew School #3)

Pets and Names: Belly button lint, "Joey"

Ideal Job: Sleeping

Hobbies: Sleeping

I collect: sleep

Best Advice Given: go to sleep

Fav Part of the Newspaper: the pictures

Fav Game: any drinking game

Fav Car[s]: McLaren F1, the best production sports car ever built.

Coolest Experience: My first shit in Equador. It's a long, involved story, but essentially what happened is that I didn't take a shit for 5 days and then did. I know it sounds bad, but the next four or five hours where the best in my life so far. Beats sex any day of the week.

Scariest Experience: Same thing

Fav thing to do in the Winter: sleep

Fav thing to do in the Summer: sleep

Special Talents/Skills: sleeping

Religion: Keithism (a small but vital section of the Jewish Community)

Fav Musician[s]: Jeff Martin, Andres Segovia, Mark Wilson, Alirio Diaz, Itzhak Perlman, John Williams (both of them), Carlos Montoya, Kirk Sellinger

Fav Song[s]: Cancion del Mariachi

Fav Color: Emerald Green

Fav Food: Jeff's Toe Jams

Least Fav Food: Puke

Fav Place: Washington State, the best state in the Union

Fav Topic of Conversation: whatever

Fav Sport: Men's gymnastics, diving

Fav Actor: John Travolta

Fav Actress: Bambi's mom

Fav Movie[s]: Fifth Element, Star Wars Trilogy, The Princess Bride, Get Shorty

Fav Animal: girls

Fav TV Show[s]: Beavis and Butthead, Dream On

Fav Month: August

Fav Writer[s]: Either Stephen R. Donaldson or Gary Trudeau

Fav Book: whatever it is, it ain't the Bible

Fav thing to do: sleep

I want to be: sleeping

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My god has a bigger dick than your god. -George Carlin

It looks just as stupid when you do it. -Minnesota Department of Health

It takes two beers to get me drunk, I think I'll drink three. -Jessica Lightman

Kirk "I was thinking of you."

Claire "What were you doing?"

Kirk "Masturbating."

On thrust vectors: You can't thrust with something limp.

On acceleration experiment: If your balls aren't big enough, they won't bounce.

On iron wood: they call it iron wood, but since it's such a pain to deal with, they really should just call it morning wood.

On sleeping in class: I don't care if Keith sleeps, he has the best test average ever in this class. Yours is terrible. -John Kunselman (Physics Teacher, Garfield High School)

I didn't inhale. -Bill Clinton