-Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

-All generalizations are false.

-Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

-I brake for no apparent reason.

-Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

-I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

-Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

-We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

-He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

-It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

-Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

-Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-Forget the Jones's, I keep up with the Simpsons.

-Born free...Taxed to death.

-The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

-Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

-I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

-All men are idiots, and I married their King.

-Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

-Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

-Montana-At least our cows are sane!

-I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

-Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

-If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

-When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.

-Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

-No radio - Already stolen.

-Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

-Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

-I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

-Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

-OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

-Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

-I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

-Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

-Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

-IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

-Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

-It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

-According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

-Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

-Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

-Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

-How can I miss you if you won't go away?

-Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

-Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

-Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

-Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

-Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

-i souport publik edekashun.

-Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

-Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

-There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

-Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

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