A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, and there was candy everywhere. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel just terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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INTERNET AXIOMS
- Home is where you hang your @.
- The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C:\ is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- There's no place like home.com.
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Later this year, Sony will unveil its PlayStation 2, the much-anticipated follow-up to its popular home videogame system. What are some of the new system's features?
- Can read lips and detect if you are planning to deactivate it; then secretly plots your murder.
- Plug-in attachment raises complex ethical questions after killing of opponents in "Tekken IV".
- Actual human blood oozes from gamepad.
- Helps kids develop conflict resolution skills with such games as "Spiked Fists Of Hatred III: The Vengeance".
- Assimilates all lifeforms it encounters, adding user's biological and technological distinctiveness to its own.
- Hyper-advanced 512-bit processor allows for 60 million images per second, blinding user instantly.
Here's some Hallmark slogans that didn't make it.
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it....
She moved in with me
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
8. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Tim's wife Louise.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the darn thing went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Tim!" chided his wife. "Say, Why don't you take my brother Harry along?"
"But Harry's eighty-seven and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Tim.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Louise pointed out.
The next day Tim teed off with Harry looking on. Tim swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Tim.
"Oh yes," Harry answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Tim, peering off into the distance.
"Huh? Oh, I forget...."
Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
While taking a coffee break, four surgeons were discussing their work. The first said, "Accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second opined, "No. Librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.
Number four grinned as he said, "You guys are missing it. Lawyers are definitely the easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangable."
There once was a blind fellow who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are huge!" The bartender replied, "Yup! Everything is big down here in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the restroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man surfaced and started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found one of the hinges was broken. He walked over to the pit and yelled down at the devil. The devil swaggers up says, "What do you want?"
"The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it."
The devil says, "Ah, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone to spare for the job right now."
Peter gets a bit miffed at this and says, "Look we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate."
The devil responded, "Ah... Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone around for this just now."
St. Peter turned red and exclaimed, "Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue."
A big grin broke out on the devil's face. "Oh yeah... sure you are... and just where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles.
"Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.
"It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
"Welll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.
"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really
needs to be cured.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
stuff. Hope it works...
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, Dad, my feet really stink, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
"OK, listen" said dad, "What you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful. What will my husband think?"
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning... He'll understand."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say 'Good morning' or anything?" the daughter asked.
"That's right. Not a word to anyone," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one sunny morning, the new groom's eyes popped open in terror, suddenly aware that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, sweetheart! Are you OK?", he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"