Musings of a Mortal Thread

As windows are the portals to our lives, ripples are what mold us. Found in the sands of time, the emotional pools that collect in the souls of the mortals, even in the simple forms of nature are these ripples. A cause and effect action if you please, for the ripple is just the event, there hase to be a reason for the change. Over the chain of events it's obvious the domino pattern that's developed, this, is life. Ripples can roll outward from their starting point for the entire existence of the living soul, or just enough to leave an impression, to remind us that we aren't in control in the game of life. Ripples, that which can be started from the smallest cause, to the greatest collision, are in every form that which you can't forget, and that which you wish to. In my quest through the windows of life I found myself battling with the flames of a fire not I controled, but one I felt consume me night after night in the darkness that bred fear and doubt. This fire, was your love. A flame that should be forbidden to the mortals, for what are we to be deservant of your everlasting devotion, so unyeilding and strong. What was I to give to the one who had it all, what was I in the sands of time but all that I am, a lost and weary traveler whom was granted the shelter of an angel whom I felt his love and could not live without it. That night that I was given shelter in your cloak, when you dried my tears and gave me secrets to hold forever more, you missed one, and from that tear, a ripple formed. A ripple like no other, one that will not be overthrown, one that continues to blossom and bloom in the face of all. I never expected from two strangers lost in the world, afraid to trust, afraid of love, to find such wonders in eachother, to tempt the rivers and cause rise to floods. From the smallest saltine orb ran a ripple that spawned across a heart that knows no end. And still it draws from flames the will to exhault, to claim rise to wonder and become neverending. Sometimes ripples harbor the most favorable emotions, joy, happiness, wonder, faith, yet sometimes the ripple was one that Pandora herself started, fear, hurt, confusion, loss, and yet hope, even Pandora was pitied in her ripple she created for all. In all the glory of the creation of the ripple it isn't always one that's blessed. A ripple can be shunned and tossed aside as though there's no claim to the deed that was done, these ripples we all live with, some live with them and try and forget them, some cast them away as though they deserve nothing but the best, and then, some dwell on them. Why it is so no one knows, sometimes not even the ripple's creator, for sometimes the mind is a powerful tool that the possessor doesn't always have the skill to master. Like all others I an a creator of both ripples, those that are favorable, and those that are of the dark materials. There were times when I in a realms with you guarding over me made choices that I regret, that I will always regret. These ripples that were created are a weight on my heart, a reminder of the truth of my existence, and the truth of me. There were times in my confusion, in my jealousy, in emotional battles the humans know no words for that I lashed out at you. Though all you wished to do was find a way, to keep peace in the wonders of the world, to allow happiness in the souls of friends, family and the one you loved. In my imperfection I drew from you a pain, a hurt that I never wished to grant you, a ripple that's caused me tears of regret, thoughts of sorrow, and the constant knowledge of my unforgiving presence towards myself, towards the horror of the pain that I'd caused. A ripple that's torn across my soul like a wildfire, leaving bare all emotions and causing the once clear waters to cloud, to grow deep, and to lose sight of my reflection in their surface. When you forgave me time and time again you did not know the conditions you forgave under, the fact that I couldn't forgive, nor could I forget... That everyday I found myself sinking deeper and deeper in love with you, yet falling farther and farther into a self torment that was my regret. For the impact of a ripple can control your fates, I struggle with a ripple I know not the powers of, one that has the power to bring me to my knees, that can take the very breath from my being, that's left me exposed to all elements. A ripple that's convinced me that lost here in the darkness I am nothing. Turning over and over in my mind while enclosed in the comforts of your love this terrible thought haunts me, drives me to the tears that so effortlessly create new waves of ripples to carry on the mission of rememberance, that reminds me I do not forgive and I do not forget... Today, sitting by a darkened pool I try desparately to gaze into the waters, deep and dark, clouded by the memories that haunt me. Footprints in the sand mark where I've been on this sandy entrapment, and yet behind me I hear your footsteps, so light on the warm sands, the same sands that offer me no comfort as I stare into a sinking soul, a soul that is my own, that I know not how to rescue, yet I know not how to free, yet it is I who's left thy mortal to sink in a pool where the depth had fooled the eye at first entry. As you wrap your arms around me and tears escape once more to create a ripple in the motionless stream a soft reflection is seen for a glimsing moment, quickly fleeting in and out of view, this is hope for tomorrow, the only glitter that came with Pandora's given ripple. Hope. " No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."

That storm that blew outside the window now rages out of control. These emotions that lift me up sometimes drop me. When the winds blow and the sky is a mass of clouds tangling together, that then is when I almost know defeat. When it feels like the whole world has turned against me. The gods play cat and mouse, and I know I'm the mouse. Sometimes I can escape, sometimes I'm cornered and can only play that they grow bored in their games and soon my life will seem as though it is whole. I know my life isn't whole, I've known it all along. The storms raise this truth time and time again, yet try and prevail over me with false truths, with images that pain my heart and nearly break me.

I stand outside the window tonight, the rain pours down on me, washing away my thoughts, my reason, my beliefs. Life is littered with storms, small storms that do little more than break the surface, yet at times there are those that rush upon us and destroy everything, hope clinging by a glimmer of light in the soul, that it seems is all that holds strong. Storms have always raged against the mortals, from the day we were granted wisdom, feelings, thought, emotion, and morals. Since the dawn of the rise of humankind someone has doomed us to fall. Those who fall have given up, lost hope, and believe that there is nothing more in this world. I know different.

When the storm beats and batters me there are times I believe I can't turn to you, that it almost seems the storms are meant to part us, to separate light from dark, day from night, as though this was not the destiny we should strive for. As my heart seems to fall to pieces at the lies the world throws at me, as the truths are twisted among those lies in a painful blindfold that drives me away from what I know is safely, from what is my home. Away from the path and the choices I must make it seems everyone is against me, even my mind has turned from me. As the rain lashes against my face, tears wash away tears, leaving nothing but sorrow in their wake, leaving me feeling hollow as the world still turns, still goes on without me.

There are those little breaks in the storms that sometimes allow me to rest, those friends that come to help me, and the same ones who sometimes pain me as well. The daggers that rip through the storm, sometimes with me, sometimes against me, I never know which it will be. When the breaks come their words that they offer, their comforts are always gazed upon in confusion. When I don't know what is right and wrong, when I've lost almost all my hope. There are times when you don't speak and I know not what to do, when I need your words and you can do nothing to offer them. When silence is all I am offered my mind leaks thoughts that I fight, things I can't believe. When I seem my friends look away, when I see the storm in their eyes that I fight, when their words are beyond what I feel, I drift with the winds, blown as the storm might like it. Almost am I stolen away, almost do I fall to my knees and lose hope... But I can't.

When I begin to drift away, when the world pulls apart my life crying out for help is beyond a mortal thought, for what is to come of it, is this not the will of the gods, it it not fate? But there are times I need to scream, when all I can do is go against the grain and be who I am. Unlike all those heroes out there I am merely human, posed with the right to make mistakes, flawed in the grace of the flesh, but obsessed with the perfection. When the storm grips me I fight it for nothing can control me, and nothing will.

Turned away from the gods, perhaps they find amusement in my searches for perfection among mortals, in feelings and emotion. When they believe that there is no perfection but upon their immortal flesh, but the gods lack in many things, only believing they are perfect, but they are not. Pandora opened to us what perfection is, a method of becoming perfect, to rise above that which the gods plagued humanity with, with the hope given to us no matter the storm we can rise above all. Turning back to the window that I must enter you are already standing there, how long until you tire of my storms, my fears, how long until you can no longer forgive me I don't wish to look upon the day, but perhaps I never will. As the storm left behind me begins to ease away I know once more the battle was won, but there will be more, and you will always be with me.

Shimmers

Musing 5.

Shimmers. There in the dark and in the light is a shimmer, a glitter, a spark. Call it what you will, but it is there, within us all, it always has been and it always will. It can be lost, it can be stolen, it can diminish and it can rise to great heights. When the darkness rolls around some find the time to gather that glitter and spread it far and wide into their lives. Sometimes it touches others, sometimes it's brushed off with a look of disgust, but it always draws attention in some form. This attention is what gives rise to emotions, emotions that can be the link to immortality and the Dark Realm, emotions that can be a deadly glitter all in their own.
Once in you I saw a weakness, once in you I saw despair, when you were hurt beyond belief, when you never seemed to care. Had you lost that glitter, that glimmer I clung to tight, I feared for you, I cried for you, and all I wanted to do was save you. There was a spirit inside you'd revealed more than once, a spirit so strong, so carefree, so endless and stubborn. That was the part I yearned to see once more, the breath I wished to see you breath, and the soul I knew was yours. Every time you drew near, I looked into you eyes... I saw that glitter and glimmer that you hid inside. A work of art in making you, I wish I knew who did...

I stand here at this window, one I've always known would come, filled with pain and suffering, at last I know you've flown. For wings of ivory you were given, broken, frayed and torn, but your spirit soared within you, unbroken by the bound. Left so hollow, left alone. I hope you know, you're all I've know. You followed me through life's events; I tried to help you through your own. I could never compare to what you are, to what you've always been, so proud to have held you in my heart, so proud to see you fly. I just wish that you'd return to us... So we know you're home at least.

Your life was give to us, your light you shared with all. You took what harshness was thrown to you, and you dealt with it on your own. When the burdens came down to me you made them go away. You drove my heart to fly; you drove my soul to sing. You created the dreams I lived in, and the reason to stay awake. You did everything without question, without asking, without complaint. You lead me to the river, you gave me the world...When the darkness settled and there was fear in the air, you took the memories and kept me warm, you drove away the darkness and brought upon the dawn.

Now I stand before your window, the one I cannot cross. I look into the brightness and know now you're gone. Your road has no more windows, no more choices to make. I'll only hope you'll remember and come back to us again. I wait at your window; hear the wind call your name, so hollow and empty, so lost in this realm. If I could cross the divide, if I could have made the choice I'd take your place, take your pain, and make your pure again. I'd make your world whole...

The twilight settles, the day is at an end, but the memories you left us remain strong and true, like your heart. Just like the love I'll always know. No matter where I wander, no matter where I go... I'll always carry with me, you, deep within my soul. There's a place out there for me, now I shall go, a place in the future, it's out of my control. Now is not the time to say goodbye, now is not the time to let you go, I'll hold onto you forever...and just keep on wishing you know.

You're going home now Prince, the battle now is done. You're going home now angel, your wings have finally healed. You're somewhere across the river, somewhere across the sea, the mountains hold you captive, but it's the only place we'll long to be. You're safe from all the pain, from all the worries too; you left in blissful happiness, that's how it’s supposed to be. If only it wasn't so hard... So hard to let you go, then maybe peace could find us all, on the wings of our angel.