My dearest Tasha passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Saturday, August 17th, at roughly 2:50pm. She had been given a course of antibiotics for a mild bacterial infection, but toward the end of the series, she stopped eating. Back to the vet we went, where I was instructed to hand feed her every hour, chicken baby food and water. Thursday night and Friday morning were spent thus, with Tasha sleeping with me to keep her little body warm. About half way through the night, she began fighting me when I tried to feed her.

By Friday at noon, she had finally begun passing all the food I was putting into her, and showed some recovery of strength, but it seemed no matter how much water I fed her, she continued to dehydrate. Back to the vet we went again, where they decided to keep her for testing to rule out a blockage, and administer sub-Q fluids. Friday night when I visited her in her incubator, she had regained enough strength to hold her upper body up and look for me when I put her back into the incubator. I was cheered by this.

Saturday morning's call from the vet indicated that she was showing even more improvement. I went to visit her at 2:15, and was sitting at her incubator, petting her small face and waiting for the vet to come talk to me about her progress, when she took a final sigh and stopped breathing. Another vet and a tech who were in the room with me rushed to my side and whisked her away to try and bring her back to me, but she was gone.

I am heartbroken. We all develop bonds with our companions, furry or human, and as with people, some bonds are stronger than others. Tasha was my girl, my Tashi-bo, my darling, my light. Her soul was so bright. My heart feels shaded and cloudy without it. Over the weekend, I was preparing for out of town company, my first visitors to my new home. We built a playroom for the ferrets. In the process of moving them into it and out of the guest bedroom, I washed the bedding and toys. I was struck by a profound feeling of loss. I was washing her away. All that she had touched was now without her. Her smell has faded from the T-shirt I wore while caring for her, and from the place she slept in my bed that night. I feel she has faded from me altogether, and nothing will ever be the same without her.

I cannot think of her without tears, and no amount of crying will fill the hole her passing has left. I am beside myself thinking of all the what-ifs, wondering why my will alone was not strong enough to keep her here with me, knowing she was lonely for the last day of her short life, thinking perhaps she left me because she thought I had left her. I can't stop these thoughts from drifting through my tired brain. I can only hope she knew, felt, how much I loved her.

Tasha, my dear, I will miss you every day of my life. I never really thought I would miss having to hide my toes from your prowling teeth at 2:00am. I never suspected that your lovely little lop-sided mask would be gone from my sight so soon. What I wouldn't give to be woken up tonight with your little jaws locked on my foot.

I love you.

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