Kill me but bring my intestines back home.
-Proverb from the Masai of Kenya (and no, I didn't make this one up)
Go home happy? Well, I went home pissed. Whatcha gonna do about it?
-Shalanda in response to the Blockbuster "Go Home Happy" campaign
Hindrance!
-Michele's exclamation towards me because I won't let her reveal a certain secret to everyone or make her infamous pin
I worry about you sometimes...
-An infamous phrase used by all of the Three Musketeers of Millsaps at one time or another in referring to the other two
Get to the good stuff!
-Shalanda when she wants you to skip the romantic portions of a date and tell about the 'physical encounters'
Famous Titties for 500, Alex!
-'Sean Connery' on Saturday Night Live
Do you want a taco or a weiner? You can't have both. You have to choose one or the other...
-The Church Lady talking to 'Anne Heche' (He-she) about her sexual orientation
Well, we know if you come up pregnant, it's gonna be Jerry's.
-Michele's mom in response to Michele telling her about Grandmother Dear's questions about if she was pregnant (by the way, Michele and I have not and never shall go there for quite a number of reasons)
>You need to watch yourself around Michele. You don't want her thinking that you're more than friends.
>Mom, Michele and I are not like that. She would never think that.
>Yeah, and you thought that about ****** (Name deleted to preserve secrecy) too.
>No, Mom, that will not happen with Michele...trust me...
-A discussion between my mom and me in which she completely missed the blatantly obvious...
Don't be stingy with your heart!
-Jerry to Daria in a situation that you just had to be there for
Java devil, you are now my bitch!
-The Tick
I need a wife. (Must call Annual Fund.)
-Daria's note on my hand for me following her recieving a marriage proposal over the phone.
I want to have an event!
-Daria's note for me on my other hand following my interruption of a personal 'event' while working at the Calling Program.
Tess: So do you just get bored in school (because you have a high IQ)?
Austin: No, I just don't like it that much.
I love Dr. Miller! I wish I was a middle-aged gay man so that I could date him.
-Casey, on Dr. Miller
Harry, I am your secret lover.
-Moi impersonating Lord Voldemort with a Darth Vader voice whilst illustrating my idea of the perfect plot twist in the Harry Potter series.
Jerry: I do not have a butt fetish!
Daria: Then why are you drawing butts in your folder?
I'm sorry for your loss, but when exactly did he die? The date?
-Me being 'evil' towards a widow
You're only choosing men.
-Dr. Miller to me while we discussed the reading list for Literature and Sexualities
Not much.
-My eternal answer to the question "What are you doing?"
5. right. it's too much isn't it? especially when you're not even that much into that sort of thing
-Casey's away message as I'm adding in new quotes
Platypussary
-My absolute favourite word; discovered while in Australia; essentially, it is the place in a zoo where the platypi are (though it takes on so many other connotations with a dirty mind and the right people present)
You are cute as a button in that you are round and have two holes.
-Rox to Bridget during an interesting Friday lunch
Reporter: Are you high on something or just a complete moron?
Bush: I can assure you that I am not high.
-A conversation between a reporter and President Bush on South Park that sounds just a little too close to reality.
Go play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!
-Cartman, South Park
If you're not Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
-Officer Barbrady to Barbara Streisand, South Park
I am not a virgin!
-Rik, Young Ones
Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan, anytime something blows up around here, it's bloody Vyvyan!
-Vyvyan Bastard, Young Ones
You must've sold your ass to the devil. That turd came from the gates of hell!
-a black woman on Crank Yankers
'I fuck your sunshine' and 'the Pope fucks you'
-Serbian curses
Walk on the Cock
-Michele's Grandmother Dear's new name for the Jackson restaurant 'Cock of the Walk'
I'm sorry.
-Alex apologizing for being sick
Whateva, whateva, I do what I want! I do what I want!
-Cartman, South Park
I ended up leaving her a...30% tip for her sexy Myrtleness.
-Ryan, about a waitress at O'Henry's
So, we don't want our king to be a bottom?
-Adam from Literature & Sexualities, on why everyone disliked Edward II
We don't want to call it Matilda, so we call it a preposition.
-Dr. Fermon
Nixon: Thank you, Morbo. How's the family?
Morbo: Beligerant and numerous.
-Nixon and Morbo from Futurama talking at the 3000 Presidential Debate
Transcendentalism is a rip-off of Romanticism. Remember when Emerson walked across the green and became a transparent eyeball? Wordsworth did it first!
-Dr. MacMaster, Brit Lit II
Who would compare to Byron these days...Michael Jackson? Just a total sex symbol.
-Dr. MacMaster, Brit Lit II
Marge: Homer, I think we have someone here who can help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman!!
-Homer and Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
-unidentified author, quote found on the net
Liz: I'm going to jump off the Bell Tower.
Dr. Wilson: Well Liz, that's probably not high enough. You better try St. Dominic's downtown. A nice 20 story drop. (pause) If you're going to do this, do it right. You don't want to end up a vegetable.
-an exchange between Liz Stewart and Dr. Wilson
Peter: Hey, Lois! Diarrhea!
Lois: Oh, Petah! Not while I'm carrying lemonade!
-from Family Guy
Alex: she said she had to do her hair and iron her drawers
Jerry: Iron her drawers? lol
Jerry: I love it!
Alex: actually, her britches- i said drawers and she laughed
-internet exchange between Alex and me over a mutual friend whose drawers will go unclaimed
Kevin: Anyone call?
Me: Just the invisible man to say that you haven't been giving him much attention lately.
Kevin: What?
Kevin: What invisible man?
Me: Exactly
Kevin: Hold on, did someone call?
Me: It was a joke, one that you unknowingly made even more hilarious.