Drifting in Dream Land
A world of white picket fences and lost dreams
When you are a child you hold on to dreams...dreams that you are certian will come true...dreams of what you will be when you grow up and ideals on how life is supposed to be. I will put up my lost dreams...if you will send me yours...deal?
updates at bottom
I was raised Mormon...so of course I had the same cookie cutter dream. I wanted to go to BYU or Ricks, graduating with a 4.0 of course (because what other choice was there?). I was going to follow all the words of the prophet so I could grow up and marry a returned missionary in the temple. Then I could have 4 kids and bake bread for them. They were all going to be well behaved. I was going to be involved in their life...PTA soccer practice...everything. Perfect little fantasy right? *sigh* Maybe it was. Sometimes I still get really sad when I realise that I threw it all away. But then I remember that holding on to that dream drove me to anorexia(I had to be perfect)...near suicide...plus many other things. So I guess the abandonment of those dreams saved my life. Yet I still wonder...what would happen if I actually attained my dreams...Just something to think about.
Here's another part to the childhood dream...This one about friends. It's kinda long and pointless but I want to, or need to, share it. This isn't about revenge. I mean if I wanted revenge I could get it...
I got used. And not just by one "friend"...by many. I guess it started when a friend, or what I thought was a friend, started dating my brother. She always came over...but I realise now that it wasn't to see me...it was to see him. Their relationship soured and she developed this hate for him...and somehow I was supposed to validate that...supposed to say "oh *Cindy, it's ok...you can hate him...you have just cause. It's ok. I hate him too." But she didn't have reason. I mean sure he was a jerk to her. She should've gotten out long before she did. And if it was a temporary thing than I would've validated it. But still, to this day, she hates him. That's not healthy. And some how it's my fault. I don't know why...but it is. And that's just the begining. I ignored it. I stayed her friend because that's what friends do. They stay. No matter what. I mean who cares that she was willing to throw away our friendship because a few years later we happen to like the same guy. I backed off of him so she could have him. That's what friends do.
Last year when I began to doubt the church I told some of my friends. They go ballistic! I'm asked why can't I just be a "good mormon girl" Because I can't!! That's why. They start snubbing me. These people have been my friends since I was six. All of the sudden I'm not good enough for them. The rumours start. They label me a slut. With no cause. Nothing was going on. They just felt that there had to be a reason that I doubted and I guess this was as good as any. I wasn't the one sleeping around, though. I mean kinda strange how I'm a virgin and the person who started the rumours isn't. So there are those rumours. Then I get rumoured to be a satanist. Now my family's mormon so this is a pretty big thing. Some people don't want me around their kids anymore. And not because I all the sudden turn into a bad person, but because I disagree with them. I never changed...well not until the looks and whispers and blunt accusations tore me apart. I never knew that friendship depended on church membership. Mine isn't. I lost almost all the people I cared about to jealousy, petty disagreements, and personal doubts. So what is a friend?
I know all this seems simple and stupid. But it hurt me...bad. I still cry over it because I still hurt. This isn't healthy. I know that. I can't even hate them. I've tried. I don't know who I'm supposed to be mad at.
**Names have been changed**
More ramblings on my childhood....
I use to have a lot of female friends...i wore pink and played with barbies...boys were never 'icky'...just very pointless to my life. Then i saw the other side to girls...the side that scares me to this day. It was fourth grade...i went to home school part of the year...when i came back all my friends had moved on...*soft laugh* the story of my life...anyway...i pretty much ignored it...a few years and schools later (we moved a lot) i was in the 6th grade...i had my breasts (not a lot..but for a 6th grader i was well stacked..i wore a bra in the 3rd or 4th grade out of nessasity)...but i was by this point a tom-boy...starting in the fourth grade i started to play with the boys..they were interesting...they were fun. I loved football!! The boys starting playing during recess and i joined them. By this time some girls were noticing that they had hormones and the roped a few of the guys into being their boyfriends...unfortunatly for me...most of the guys were the same ones that i played football with. We played tackle (*teehehe* i left quite a few bruises...i was brutal!)...and the girls did not like that..their boyfriends invited them to play but the girls just couldn't mess up their hair...so the boys started playing touch football...a few of the girls played...pretty soon the teams were uneven and i couldn't play anymore. I couldn't believe it! I just wanted to play ball...they could have their silly boyfriends...i didn't care about that...but they felt threatened and i payed...
god this is whiny....ah well get over it..this is my page *grin*
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More dusty picket fences to pull out and repaint...
I've been thinking lately about family relationships...to put it mildly my family (extended, immediate) are screwed up--seriously so. And it just get worse the longer we're around. Dad left Mom--swore he wasn't leaving me...but we know how long those promises stay...and maybe i should say all this to him...but it's hard to go from princess to full fledged adult.
he no long seems to worry about me...although i'm sure he does...i have to set up our meetings and for a while he broke everyone (he's getting better). I think he forgets who's supposed to be the child....of course somedays it's really hard to tell. He throws the temper tantrums...just quietly, with guilt trips...*sigh* not really lost dreams...but more of thinking that i'd never feel a loss of love from my father of all people because he use to be what all other envied in a parent.
