Get your own Free Home PageIt's a vicious circle that is what every one said. I never really realized how vicious until the details all came out. I knew it happened to me, there was no denying that. I also knew some other women in my family had it happen to them. I never realized how many though. What am I talking about? I am talking about abuse...mainly sexual and mental.
The abuse started for me as a young child. I was about seven or eight years old. It lasted until I was about eleven. It was almost four years. I guess it is not that long when you look at things through the big picture, but to a child four years is a lifetime. The guy that did it was someone who was supposed to be an example to me. He was supposed to love me. Maybe he did I can not say. I've seen him a few times since...he's no longer a brother...we just share a family resemblence and a secret that i fight to show and he fights to hide....but on with the subject....Some how I lived through those four years. I really do not know how. I didn't tell anyone until I was twelve and a half. I was so afraid that everyone would think I was a bad person. He made me believe that i was dirty and icky...No one can know how powerful the monsters in an abused person's brain are unless you have actually been there. The monsters are still there today. I don't think they will ever be gone. I gave up on that dream. Now I settle for just being able to cope with them. Anyone who survives abuse becomes an expert on coping.
I don't want to focus on the actual abuse too much. I really just want to say how I get through each day. The first thing is getting out. Tell someone you trust. If you can't trust your parents then go to your aunt or another family member. If that doesn't work go to someone who has been abused. Or go to social services. Just do not stay where it can happen again. For every episode throws you deeper in the pit the abuser has dug...do not listen to threats or promises that they'll stop (they don't.) A good resource is R.A.I.N.N. Rape Abuse Incest National Network...1-800-656-HOPE.
After you get out make sure you don't blame yourself. Whatever happened is in no way your fault. You might need professional counseling. If you do get it, It doesn't mean your crazy it just means you need a little help...someone to talk to...
You are going to have bad days. Whatever you do don't quit. I have had so many sleepless nights just replaying the events in my head. But no matter how bad it got the sun always rose the next morning...if not the next morning than the morning after...or maybe my endless night would last a month...but it has always lifted. I just take things one day at a time. I also found an out let for my pain and frustrations...actually I have two. When things get bad I go and play my flute or I write. Both calm me down and I am able to deal with the world again.
Don't beat yourself up over what happened. Don't try and figure out how things would have been different if you had done something else. I used to do that and I was miserable. I have stopped trying to figure out exactly what happened because their are some questions that will never be answered and probing into it will only bring pain.
Another very important lesson I learned is to be careful of the people you date and the friends you have. They may seem completely harmless, but the truth is if you have been abused you are more likely to find a relationship were your partner can hurt you just like your abuser did. I am not saying to mistrust every guy (girl) or to become a (female) male hater, just be careful. If you are ever in a situation that is uncomfortable, uneasy, scary, or overwhelming, get out. Don't be afraid to say no. Anyone that pushes you to do something or commit to something against your will does not have your best interest in mind. For only when you stand up for yourself will you be free.
Freedom is another issue. It is a word you must define...for yourself. Don't trust Webster or your friends to do it...trust yourself. You are most important. Follow that. Be selfish every once and a while. If you want to stay home but everyone wants you to go out...stay home. Nobody knows what you want as well as you. Be true to yourself...screw everything else. You are never obligated to do anything. You are free as soon as you declare yourself free.
That Little Game
Let me tell you about a little game I used to play
That little game stole my innocence away
It was supposed to be about laughs and fun
Everyone would play, I wasn't the only one
They assured me it would be okay
Though I regret it until this day
I have no one but myself to blame
For I'm the one who chose to play the game
If only back then I had known
The hurt it would bring in the pain I've shown
If only back then I would've knew
Maybe there was something more that I could do
The rotting feeling in my stomach that turns
The acid running through my veins that burns
I'd give anything to stop this defacing shame
I'd give anything to have never played their sickening game
And many others play this game naive to what it brings
Until one day when a bombshell in your mind rings....
That little game you used to play,
Has forever stolen your innocence away.
by "Lost-in-the-Clouds"
I hope that one day no one will ever have to play the game again...remember...we all have a responsibility...a link...break the pattern...you are strong enough...
You are only a victim if you choose to stay one.
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