Anastasia
Shows Her Darkness
The easiest way to release the pain in your soul is to confront your monsters. Name them if you must. Here are the names of some of mine.
[8/23/98]
Anastasia
I've never explained who she is....she kinda likes to play behind the scenes. This is the only real voice that has a name and a personality and a seperate entity....she's the Dom and i am the sub. Sometimes i am her slave sometimes we have a cup of coffee together. i guess it just all depends on wether she wants to play or not. I use to hate her...but then i realized if i just play by her rules...she makes sure that the other voices don't kill me...she holds the whip...she keeps me inline and the other voices in my head in line...without her...well i'd die. most of the time i resent her...but sometimes she's the only one i can talk to. she appeared when i was eight or so....i know why....but part of me doesn't want her to ever go away...most people have had imaginary friends...mine just happens to be a little more real and inside of me.
PETER THE TORTURED
This is the guy that is responsible for those silent screams. You know the ones...those screams that come at 2am. They wake you from your sleep and you feel them. They build up until you feel you are ready to explode. You wish that you could just scream and get it over with but you can't. When you open your mouth to scream nothing comes out. So you lie back down feeling silly...trying to return to sleep....Then comes...
JARED THE HUSHED
You have just been released of Peter's clamy grasp when Jared enters your head. He makes silence a noise. You lie there returning to sleep...when you feel the soundlessness echoing to your inner core. You can feel the non-noise grip at your being. It holds you in a sense of non-motion.You forget what sleep is. You turn on the radio hoping to penetrate the silence that echos in your ears.
NAMELESS
The voice of death grips at your heart driving you to an early grave...tempting you with sharp objects and morbid visions that cloud your day. Nameless has no mercy, at least Jared and Peter have the grace to come at night...you can avoid them...but Nameless comes without warning, without fanfare...you can not protect yourself...some call him depression...but that word is too light, too broad...When your life is going great and you are happy he comes and rips it from you...If there were a Satan... this would be it...He is the worst I've been able to name thus far...he is gripping at my utter soul with his clammy hands as I write this. He tells you that you are stupid, that your life is not worth living...yet he keeps you alive to stare at what you've become...he shows you that the person in the mirror is a stranger........He controls you.
There is more the darkness then just the demons. There is the un-named things that you fear. It's that part of you that you won't look at because you are afraid what you will find. What is the name for this...I wish I knew...but I don't. All I know is that it is the part that makes your brightest days darker than your worst nights. You start praying for the torture of night because at least you will awake to the sun. You do those stupid things that chase away the pain for only a second. I have seen many friends buried in drugs because the day pain was too much. Their lives destroyed. They will never crawl out of the dark pit. .....but those stupid things are more than drugs...they are also you skipping class because you want to destroy your grade... why, because you need to screw up so you can divert your attention from the pain, from the despair..........you run from the one you love the most, because you are afraid that the pain will drive him from you...you drive him away then pull him back because you see what you are doing and you can't let him go... even if it is for his best...because you are selfish and his love keeps you alive...It might be an empty life...but it is your own...........
(7/31/97)
The demons won a battle today...which means I lost one. I could
always deal with the demons because I had my writing and my music.
So what do they do? They rip my music away. I just quit band today.
Sure...I can keep playing...but it will never be the same. I found
this poem....this is how I feel
More than bored
Sad
More than sad
Unhappy
More than unhappy
ill
More than ill
Abandoned
More than abandoned
Alone in the world
More than alone in the world
In exile
More than in exile
Dead
More than dead
Forgotten.
-- Marie Laurencin
Band was my identity...I am whole when holding a flute perfectly parallel...dressed in those stupid uniforms...but to me the uniforms were beautiful...But I gave it all up tonight. I walked out of the band hall, handed the director my music and left a peice of my soul behind. A passing person will have never noticed the change in me...but I just lost the one thing that put that child-like gleam in my eyes...that totally sense of wonderment. The last part of my joy is sitting in a band room that I will never step into again
(9/11/97)
I realised something....guess I knew it before...but didn't ever think about it....? Or maybe I did...but refused to see.....? Wait I'm off the topic before I got on it....don't you hate that?? Oh yeah...there was a point...promise....Ok on to the topic....
I am comfortable in my shadows...more than comfortable...I find happiness in the shadows...weird, eh? When I wear all black...I have a strange sense of peace...if you add in really dark, goth-like make-up and i am darn near tranquil...it's even better when it scares the conservative idiots...what does that mean? *shrug* maybe i just like the color black...and i like to piss people off...or maybe I've been so close to the demons for so long that there really isn't a break anymore where i stop and they begin...or maybe there never was and I just pretended....maybe all we can ever hope to be is our demons...what if we spend our entire life looking for that further truth...the "meaning"...running away from our darkness and our scary stuff...trying to escape it...when really the only way to find happiness is to admit that you are them....and they are you...maybe that is the moral of this long drawn out story that people call life...
(10/23/97)
Here is the thought's of another...her name is Sheri...lets take a look into her mind...her soul...her shadows...
Walking down a dark hallway with the walls getting closer, narrower and narrower. At the end there's bright white light, with the outline of a man, waiting. But for what? As everything closes in on you all you can think about is where to go, where to let your mind and soul free. But in the back of your mind you can't help but wonder who the man is. Is he there to take you away...free your mind. Or is he there to cause more betrayal and hurt? Should you go, or turn away? Deciding between a new path and maybe a better life, or the same old path, in which you already know the fate that would lie before you. You're almost there, you've made your decision, to take a new path, but all of a sudden panick arises. You turn around, but only to realize that now the only way to go is forward. The man is still standing there, waiting patiently. You now know the man is standing there to take you away and lead you down a new path. No matter what lies before you, you know it couldn't be any worse than what now lies behind you.
(11/14/97)
ALDOF
Here is a demon that I have spent my life ignoring...He is anger, not just anger but RAGE. He is what makes you want to tear things apart and rip everything up...sometimes the rage transfers to other people and that is when you have to exercise great control so that everyone stays alive and well. He also comes without warning...I think that's how demons operate...they like to come unannounced...No RSVP...this way you have no way to defend yourself. He scares me...more than the other guys...why? well because he can actually cause harm. Some have seen my rage fits...and they've seen the effects...I won't list them all here because that's a little to personal...but people like DeAnna and Leslie know what happens. I will say one that happened because it was a few years ago...It involved a brick wall and my fist...figure it out. So what can I do to discourage him? Nothing. I can just wait and hope that everyone stays safe...including me.
[8/23/98]
Christina...the keeper of these clouds
Every time i close my eyes...the tears flow down like rain upon my hot cheeks. a month ago i couldn't cry to save my life (and goddess knows i needed to)...yet now i just can't stop. i fear i'm going to drown in this depression....panic attacks....knife marks upon my arms...all these become to common...even for me. who is this demon? who is this who drives me....wait. it's me. i'm the biggest demon i have. i'm more powerful and more awful than my worst nightmare...i am my own personal satan. so where is my own personal goddess? or even god? where is my savior? soon everyone will run away....and the voices will be here....maybe i should think about making friends with them...maybe i should make friends with me.
{11/09/99}
ok i know i'm horridly overdue on this page....forgive me?? maybe not. but anastasia came knocking at my soul demanding a sacrifice...so this is my offering.
alcohol returns...and with it...the bastard....his name i do not know...or even his face....it's shrouded in darkness...but anastasia knows him...and even if she won't admit it....she fears him. as do i...but i admit it freely...willingly. i'm not afraid to be the fearful little girlie...cowering in a blanket that only i see. i don't fear being afraid. jesus...this rambles on....people are talking to me....sorry...let me find the track....ah shit....chaos exploding. maybe the track is lost for good....i'll find it later. too many people showing up. fuck.
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