I have the worst luck with things I say being taken completely out of context. I never mean to offend anyone, but I always seem to anyway. This site was supposed to be such a positive thing, but I have never really gotten anything positive out of it at all. If anything, several times now it has made things quite worse. However good the intent of this place originally was, it was such a bad idea.
I just want to live my life with as little negativity as possible - just like everyone else. This place was supposed to be a way to purge whatever it was that was bringing me down in hope that I might help some people along the way. It was supposed to be a "here's how to recognize depression if you've got it and it is treatable" site. But it was really a blog site before there were 'blog' sites.
This site was meant as a place to blow off steam in a part of my life where my feelings are constanly changing and ping-ponging everywhere. I hate you/ I don't hate you. I hate me/ I don't hate me. I hate this/ I don't hate this. Brash comments from hurt feelings was the norm, but they were never meant to represent that I felt that way continually. I even went so far as to write a "please read before you read" entry that went largely unread. And for how many times I've already said this, I'll say it again: My feelings about most everything I talk about here continue to change all the time.
I was usually reacting to one specific thing at a time. Most entries I posted here were written when I was at the lowest of the low and wanted the world and everything and everyone in it to blow up. On top of having a problem with major depression, I am a very thin-skinned person. It doesn't take much for me to drop into despair. Over time, this site accumulated several years worth of entries.
I guess it was my own fault that I kept those entries up for so long and they were discovered by the POE and made the butt of some very nasty jokes and comments. The comments posted there about this site and me personally were very hurtful and harrassing and it was very disappointing to learn that the person who exposed me to that whole degrading experience had a Seattle area address.
So I did what I usually do with this site and posted a reaction when my feelings were raw and in the toilet. There are specific reasons for why I said what I said. It doesn't even matter now that by that time I had accumulated some very bad experiences with a certain group of now ex-friends and I was sick of being connected with that whole mess - and the POE only served to intensify those problems even more. That was nearly two years ago. Things change, circumstances change, situations change, and I change too. Sometimes for the worse, but I always try for the better.
As for what was up on here for so long, I understand that I have been and may continue to be judged by anything I've ever posted on this site. I understand that for some people, there is no such thing as wiping the slate clean and beginning again. Well, so be it. But I find it more than a little saddening that you are willing to serve judgement so quickly on someone you've never met, based on one outdated sentence.
- Got any other comments you'd like to share?
