A Survivor's Notebook...
Mine.
The Plume-Tails have eaten the head of a sheep and the offal from a steer. Yet they're still growing larger. What in the world am I going to do to feed them when they're full-grown, and just how big will they get?
I just remembered that I'm absent-minded. I've lost a lot of things lately, from my cell phone and a list of unlisted phone numbers, to my car registration and other difficult-to-replace things. I also don't know what day it is unless I log on. This makes life a series of shocking and unpleasant jars as I forget, and then remember unpleasantly, that I have to deal with all of these things.
I've started to read a book. I've started to read a book. I've started to read a book. I've started to read a book. I've started to read a book.
Shit.
Dec. 29/03
Ewww I'm sick. Also I picked up a stalker from Mexico. He's using the fact that I've started writing my thoughts here to invent a whole new life for me and him in his mind. Hi, little man, how would you like me to put all your letters right here so the entire world can laugh at your mental disease?
The plume-tails I picked up in the Peruvian jungle are swiftly growing. I'm begining to suspect that they are not the innocuous species I thought they were when they were babies, and they are turning carnivorous. I keep feeding them so they won't turn on me, their owner, but I fear I'm painting myself into a gruesome corner.
I got online as a Mistress and made a big splash. Hordes of people are coming up and telling me perfectly sincerely that I am the only truly dominant woman they've ever met. Should I start telling them to send me money or what? Heyyyyyy all you misguided people reading this, listen up! Whatever you're thinking when you find someone you're dead certain is a real Master or Mistress, you're dead wrong! But how can it feel so fuzzy and right if it's not; haven't you always been told that your heart will tell you when it's real? Ok ok ok, you can all stop listening now, you won't listen anyway, and never have... ok ok ok, your fake is real, have it your way till they slap you silly. Also, remember that I'm the only real Mistress you've ever met.
Dec. 23/03
Well that was nice... woke up in a peed bed. Normally I'd be embarrassed but I was a little too far gone to draw that much energy. As I cleaned up the various litterboxes and wet sheets and stuff, I started wondering if it wouldn't just be easier to live in a bathroom and every so often simply flush the floor. Of course that idea started Tippy giggling and she still hasn't stopped. In fact I've joined her and we'll probably be at it all day long.
I have to color Lu's hair today. I got a nice golden blonde, since she's so ashy blonde that it's starting to look like grey on an 8-year old. She's not sure about it and says she's absolutely perfect already in every way (she's going to be Mary Poppins when she grows up). People freak at me for coloring a little kid's hair, so there's just one more reason to flip them the finger. I wish I could do corn-rows too, but best I can manage is to make the most spectacular hair sculpture mess you've ever seen.
Dec. 22/03
Hideous weekend. All vague and evil threats--it's like living in somebody's movie that keeps dragging on with villains and shit but no heroes anywhere. Not that I'd let a hero anywhere near me, not without stating their intentions and how they're going to prove to me that they're not a more clever version of one of the villains.
Everyone who was so eager to help has stopped when they found out helping meant lifting a finger. I expected that to happen; does it mean I'm becoming cynical? God, give me grace! God, do not allow me to offer anyone help and then not come through for them.
I drove by a sign which said, "Shopping for kids shouldn't be ruined by shopping with kids!" It was some kinda mall ad for their rookery service. Are these people evil or insane or am I just over-sensitive? They had all these kids by their own choice and don't they think they're gonna give them a lot more by being in reality nice to them and not slinging them off like they bother them, than by buying them plastic shit? Believe me, if you say one single time you have no use for a child, the child will harbor that for the rest of their life inside of them, and it's at that moment that a unicorn will not come to them anymore. Nobody'd know that better than a submissive girl.
Dec. 18/03
I'm restless and angry all the time. I play all these magic tricks just to keep from being ripped open or falling unconscious on the kitchen floor where they'd have to call trash removal to remove me. But even if I'm already dead I'll still have enough hate in me to reach up and strangle them when they come to remove the body.
Here are some of the things I do to stay up.
Quit meds cold-turkey especially if I know it's known to cause mental problems. I do it to prove I can. Don't ask me why but it makes me feel kind of high with the power of being able to take that much battering and still turn around and spit in your face.
I play private games. For example, if I'm told I am a filthy whore or rotten to the core, the game's rule is to turn around and find someone to say something equally as nice to as what was said to me is ugly. "You're the little girl I always dreamed of having" would follow "I wish you'd die so you'd stop causing me problems." The points from what I say cancel out the points from what was said to me; and you know something funny? It works.