20 THINGS I LEARNED FROM ID4
That I Never Knew Before
By Dean Kanipe Area 51 Research Center

While viewing the film Independence Day, it became apparent that I was
remarkably uninformed about several things related to Area 51, aliens,
military operations, and America in general. Below is a quick list of
a few important things I learned from the film that I never knew
before, and a few lessons that were inferred from the plot. I wish to
thank the creators of ID4 for making these facts much clearer to me.

1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first. Apparently
the best way to destroy a city is to position your "Death Ray" over
the most recognizable building.

2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building directly
under the Death Ray.

3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion,
leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.

4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion
and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you
are travelling with a dog and a small child. The Law of Averages says
you'll survive the Death Ray.

5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion
and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you
are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable TV executive. The Law of
Averages says you'll get waxed by the Death Ray.

6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay the
bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a middle
class subdivision.

7. When the going gets tough, strippers can drive California Highway
Department utility vehicles, collect refugees and use their extensive
survival skills to provide food and comfort to survivors.

8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.

9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base."

10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in
line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the
immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding mountains.

11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at
the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120
degree heat.

12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the
Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard.

13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all
vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter section of
tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion.

14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the
service, including Marines and Air Force.

15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears that
the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run.

16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20 km
across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial
launched nuclear cruise missiles.

17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s.

18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be taught
to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.

19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an
Alien fighter in 5 minutes.

20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use
flight yokes just like ours.

(...more are coming...)

     [Copyright (c) 1996, Dean Kanipe]

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have a good friday and subsequent weekend...or something,
Dan

"i am the heart, i need the heartbeat
 i am the eyes, i need the sight
 i realize that i'm just a body, i need the life...
 i am the dancer, i need the Lord of the dance."
 -SCChapman, 'lord of the dance' _signs of life_