On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for
prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."
The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting: DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"? Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do. DJ: What is your name? First only please. Contestant: Brian DJ: Are you married or what Brian? Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? Or what? Brian? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married. DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian. Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work Brian? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work? Brian: (laughing) Yes she is. DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man. Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning. DJ: Atta boy. Brian: (laughing sheepishly) well. DJ: Number 2: How long did it last? Brian: About 10 minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice. DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm. DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (Advertisements) DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (Touch tones ringing) Clerk: Kinko's. DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she. DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours? DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooon do you know the rules of "Mate Match"? Sara: No DJ: Good. Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian: (laughing) just answer his questions honestly OK? Sara: Oh, Brian DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT? Orlando Magic, Sara. NBA Sara. They are on strike Sara helloooooo anyone home? Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes. Brian: (laughing) DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara? Sara: Oh God, Brian this morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: About 8 I think. (Sound effect) DING DING DING DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last? Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe. DJ: hhmmmmm Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood. DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it? Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you? Brian: Just tell him honey. DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara? Sara: Well it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and DJ: SHE SAW US? Sara: BRIAN? Brian: NO, no I didn't. DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer? Sara: Dear lord cannot believe you told them this. Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara we haven't got all day. Where did you do it? Sara: In the ass. (Long pause) DJ: We will be right back. (Advertisements) DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida. Ancient Chinese proverb:
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. The Rules of Bedroom Golf: 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play normally one club and two balls. 2. The owner of the hole must approve play on a course. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention paid to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any brush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. "Gefaell, Robert" wrote:
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: 'What's that?' Lady 2: 'A condom.' Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?' Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.' The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and =3D announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she =3Dprefers. 'Doesn't matter,' she replies, 'as long as it fits a Camel.'
The druggist fainted There was a guy who was in the market for a used Harley. He had always wanted a big, bad hog. He shopped around; newspaper ads, bike shops, butnothing. Finally he came across a beautiful classic Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. On inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He talked to the owner; "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," said the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, that you rub Vaseline on the chrome. It keeps it from rusting. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." He handed the new owner an old tube of Vaseline, which he put it in his jacket pocket. Our hero bought the bike and headed out; a proud and happy biker. He took his bike over to show his girlfriend. She was ecstatic! That night, he decided to ride his bike over to his girlfriend's parent's house. Since, it was the first time he was going to meet them and figured it will make a big impression. When the couple arrivedat her folk's house, his girlfriend grabbed her boyfriend's arm and confessed, "Honey," she said, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person to say anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he said, and they went in. Our hero was astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack. Piled up the stairs, more dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looked there are dirty dishes that must have been there for years. They sat down to dinner and, sure enough; no one said a word. As dinner progressed, the boy friend decided to take advantage of the situation. He grabbed his girlfriend, ripped open her dress, yanked off her panties and screwed her right on the dinner table. The entire family was shocked, but no one said a word. When he was finished, his girlfriend peeled herself off the table and dinner resumed. Soon his eyes wandered over to his girlfriend's kid sister. Since he figured no one would say anything, he bent her over the table and mounted her from behind. After he was satisfied, he sat down to eat and again, none of the family said anything. Just before dessert, he began thinking that her mom was looking pretty good. What the hell, he slipped her the bone. After dropping his load, he noticed it was starting to rain. He remembered he had to protect his new motorcycle. He pulled the tube of Vaseline from his jacket pocket. The father suddenly jumped up from his chair and shouted, "All right, I'll do the damned dishes!" A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around? "The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally a HUGE room full NOF clocks. The guy asks, "What's the deal with all these clocks?" St. Peter explains, everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate, so he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan!" Did you know... The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for US currency. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie 2) Poodle 3) Golden Retriever.
Dumbest: Afghan hound. The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%. Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50% Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 Average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour: 61,000. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70% Intelligent People have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable". The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 "I Am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 . . .. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games in the USA (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
INNER SKELETON
A 63-year-old widow was admitted to
hospital in Recife, Brazil, Suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she
was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus, which she conceived a decade
earlier it had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her
body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500-LB woman from Illinois was examined
in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was
found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington
emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his
waist, and the woman had hers around her head They eventually explained to
doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on
the man's member and wrench it from side to side In agony and desperation, the
man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania
ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said
that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried
to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He
had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina
ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a
large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she
had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was
falling out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER
with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in
her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if
was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent
hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER
complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on
holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some
erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since
he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to
the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had
ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and
told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to
enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his
last.
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a
purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with
the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the
instructions to the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with
the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied
"Grape."
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20-year-old man came to
the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were
fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the
mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing
constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the
man's rectum was removed...along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.
Something to think about the next time you're having a bad day, (this
was an article in the California Examiner, March 20,
1998):
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a
burnt out section of the forest while assessing the damage done by a forest
fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive
tank, flippers, and facemask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person
died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided
a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how fully
clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the
day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast- some 20 miles
away from the Forrest. The firefighters, seeking control of the fire as quickly
as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The
buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest
fire and emptied. You guessed it! One minute our diver was making like Flipper
in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet
in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
