Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here is this year's list: OF people who are starting college this fall across the nation.
1. Were born in 1982.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
12. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Ping-Pong.
16. They may have never heard of an 8-track.
17. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
18. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
19. They have always had an answering machine.
20. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, do not even know what UHF or VHF means, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
21. They have always had cable.
22. There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
23. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
24. They were born the year that Walkmans were introduced by Sony.
25. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
26. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
27. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
28. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
29. They have never seen Larry Bird play.
30. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
31. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
32. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
33. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
34. They do not know who Mork was or where he was from.
35. They have never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane!, de plane!"
36. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
37. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
38. Michael Jackson has always been white.
39. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
40. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
41. There has always been MTV.
42. They do not have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Subject: Corporate Lessons
LESSON NUMBER ONE
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
LESSON NUMBER TWO
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
LESSON NUMBER THREE
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands Said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive, huh?
1. Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
2. Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $ 9.52 per gallon
3. Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $ 10.17 per gallon
4. Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 = $ 10.00 per gallon
5. Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon
6. STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $ 33.60 per gallon
7. Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $ 178.13 per gallon
8. Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
9. Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon
10. Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $ 84.48 per gallon
11. And this is the REAL KICKER-Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $ 21.19 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!
Subject: Feeling old?
Actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 YEARS OLD,and a HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
2. FREE PUPPIES, ½ COCKER SPANIEL and ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
3. FREE PUPPIES PART GERMAN SHEPHERD and PART STUPID DOG
4. GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs, NEUTERED,and SPEAKS GERMAN FREE.
5. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG, LOOKS LIKE A RAT, BEEN OUT AWHILE, and there better be a BETTER BE REWARD.
6. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN in a HOT TUB $850 or best offer
7. AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
8. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE. ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
9. 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
10. COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED, ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
11. NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
12. SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA FREE CHOPSTICKS
13. HUMMELS LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
14. GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL THAT HOLDS 2 ½ BOTTLES OF BEER.
15. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
16. GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.
17. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED, USED ONCE, and there is a little STAIN
18. FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT
19. .AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS POLE INCLUDED $100
20. TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
21. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS $175.
22. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
23. JOINING a NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
24. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
25. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
26. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
27. OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
28. FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. in Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. My Wife knows everything.
This could be all too true!
You know you've joined a cheap new HMO when.
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly like Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Julio" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An Apple a Day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" this is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2.With your last HMO, your PROZAC didn't come in different colors with little "M" on them. And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO is:
1. You ask for VIAGRA; you get a Popsicle Stick and Duct Tape.
Get ready for this one. I am Not kidding!
Possibly the worst thing you'll ever read!
Susy DeNucci and the Miracle of Life.
One morning around 5am Susan DeNucci of Kittery Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she got up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeNucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg ,was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he could grab her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke, what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace.
If you think that is bad wait until you hear how it happened:
Ms. DeNucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeNucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeNucci when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms.DeNucci was only four days away from getting her period, doctors, believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp. These are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.
A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35.00" Then She Asks: "How much for the black one?" He says: "$35.00 for the black one and $35.00 for the white one." She says: "I think I will take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He says: "$35.00" then She asks: "How much for the white one?" He says: "$35.00 for the white one, $35.00 for the black one." She says: "Hmmm...I think I will take the white one. I've never had a white one before. " She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He says: "$35.00 for the white and $35.00 for the black." She says: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He says: "Well, that's a very special dildo and it will cost you $165.00." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I will take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before. She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" The salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165.00 dollers!"
NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH
1.Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2.Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4.Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5.Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6.Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8.Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9.Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10.Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11.Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, then as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDER-QUALIFIED
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
The Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified is.
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINe
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the play ground and go into the woods.
Curious,he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..." Mommy tells him to slowdown. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?'" I said '6'
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, '
Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, Class does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers says:'All right little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job".
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in *The Act*. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride!
Daddy,can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off !"
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not.
" Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.
All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says,
"You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful, ...just fucking beautiful!"
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award.
This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America.
"No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club.
Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
Subject: Safe Sex
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...".
SPERM JOKE
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instruct or "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, "I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. "Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!" Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reached the red, sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled and said "Hi, I'm a sperm." The red sticky ball smiled and said,
"Hi. I'm a tonsil."
The wonders of love....
Man and wife are in bed, wife curled up ready to go to sleep. Husband puts his bedside light on and is reading a book. He starts to turn a page then hesitating, reaches over and fondles his wife's lovely thing - then quicklyreturns to his book. A moments later he does the same thing stops reading, reaches over and fondles his wife's pussy then resumes reading. The wife is now awake, aroused. It's some time since her husband has touched her there and she assumes he wants her tonight. Wishing to encourage him, she slips quietly out of bed, stands at the foot of the bed and seductively lets her nightie fall to the floor. The husband lowers his book, stares at her through reading glasses. Bemused, interrupted, 'are you alright dear?' in his expression. "Are you all right, dear?" he asks, laying the glasses to one side. "Never better, darling, "and ready for it." replies the woman. "Ready for what?" "Well you were fingering me, I thought it was foreplay aren't you trying to make love to me?" "Oh no, sorry love, I was just wetting my finger to turn the pages."
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle.
A man was stopped by a Border guard who pointed at two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What is in the bags?", asked the Border guard. "Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the Border guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proved they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the Border guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand.
This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the Border guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the Border guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border,but we did'nt know what. I won't say a word, but what was it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!" said the cyclist.

More to come!
ED!
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