Title: High School Blues I Author: Evie Whiting E-mail: fishadam@hotmail.com Archive: You're very welcome, but do let me know. Category: MSR, A, H Spoilers: Nothing after Arcadia Summary: Mulder and Scully have to go undercover Feedback: If you sent me feedback, and needed a liver or a kidney, I'd consider it a fair exchange Disclaimer: Don't own them. Wish I did. Notes: Sorry if the British spellings annoy you. This is a major revamp of a story I wrote over two years ago. I really felt I couldn't allow myself to leave it so badly written. Also a second and third part will be forthcoming. Of course, depending on reader response *hint, hint* Dedication : To Fish, you know why. To my ubers and Finga, my curveballs who always make me laugh. To Sarah, my beta/better goddess, my muck slut and kettle sister. Because of her, this actually got finished. And to everyone who read this the first time round and didn't tell me how badly written it was. I hope I did better this time. **************************************** Skinner's Office 8:00am "With all due respect sir, there is absolutely no way that I could ever pull this off. The idea is ridiculous." Mulder was tempted to warn Skinner, when Scully's voice got that pitch people had better start hitting the decks. He decided against it. Not often did he get to see the AD against the ropes. "I'm sorry Agent Scully. I'd have to disagree with you on that, you are excellently suited to this assignment, and it was a unanimous decision by all the departments, that we send you and Agent Mulder, especially since the last time both of you went undercover you managed to solve a case that had stumped all agencies for over a year." Skinner had expected a certain amount of resistance to the case he was forcing on them, but he hadn't expected it to be Scully doing all the resisting "But sir this assignment shows no signs of the paranormal, any team in VCU could do it." This case was the stuff nightmares were made of. It wasn't the awkwardness of their roles that bothered Scully, but the unshakable feeling that some piece of the puzzle still hadn't been shown to them. " Neither did The Falls of Arcadia, but you and Agent Mulder still managed to find not only signs but, reportedly, an actual substantiated ...tulpa. Besides, I very seriously doubt that any partnership in VCU, could go undercover as a high school student and an English teacher, not many of them have the necessary backgrounds. As you know Agent Scully, part of Agent Mulder's undergraduate degree was done in English Literature, which makes him a perfect candidate, and there are very few agents that could pass themselves off as teenagers, which makes you a perfect candidate." Whenever the AD had contemplated his troublesome twosome, he'd always acknowledged just how much of Scully had rubbed off on Mulder. He was being to realize, it went both ways. Scully, over the years had definitely gained a lot of Mulder's trademark questioning. No longer would she be prepared to accept any assignment the Bureau heads handed out. Skinner couldn't really blame her. Last time, she'd ended up with a bullet in her abdomen. Mulder, not focusing on Skinner but Scully, saw she was far from flattered by the AD's last comment. In fact she looked just about ready to deck him. He decided it was time to intervene. It wouldn't do for both the members of the X-Files department to have done so. Scully didn't even have a `Men In Black spiked my water with LSD' excuse to fall back on , otherwise he might have been tempted to see the fireworks. "We both understand how perfectly we fit the criteria sir. We also understand the importance of this assignment. VCU have had no luck trying to find this guy, so it's been left up to us, to solve the unsolvable." He hadn't meant to sound bitter, but it did rile him. The only time he and Scully were remembered as something other than the bastard children of the Hoover building was when no one else could figure the case out. Skinner looked uncomfortable. He knew what Mulder said was true. They were the jokes of the building, Mr. and Mrs. Spooky, but when the shit hit the fan, their names were first to be mentioned. At the same time though, there was a sick bastard out there, preying on young girls in the Bakersfield area of California. So far VCU had figured out that he had access to high schools, and once he took a girl he'd leave the area. But that was about it. They were at a stand-still, the press was screaming about the inefficiency of the FBI, and the Attorney- General herself had been in contact. He had had no choice, he had to call in his two most troublesome and best agents. "Agents, there's nothing left to discuss. You have the rest of the day off to prepare. Scully, Kimberly has arranged for you to go sh- shopping for the necessary type of clothes for your assignment. You can pick your tickets up from her. Lastly, during this assignment, you'll be living in a suburb, try not to piss the neighbors off too much this time." He said this with a smile, but quickly realized that neither Mulder or Scully found this particularly funny. "Dismissed." ***************** Only after they'd left Skinner's office did the humor strike Mulder. Scully was going back to high school. And he was going to be her teacher. He hadn't realized he'd started chuckling. He stopped only because of Scully's well-aimed blow with her elbow "Shut up Mulder, it's not funny. You're not the one who has to act like a fucking teenager again." Scully swore very rarely. This alone told Mulder just exactly how pissed- off she was. But the whole situation was so classic, he threw caution to the wind, and decided to tease Scully for all he was worth. "Hey Scully, watch that mouth of yours, or I'll be forced to give you a detention." He mockingly censured her. Waggling his finger in front of her face, in a way that made her ache to bite it.hard "Funny, Mulder, very funny." She gritted out, from clenched jaws "Just remember that I'm a better shot than you are." "Is that a threat Scully, because if it is I may have to send you to the Principal's office." "Mulder, so help me God, if you're going to be like this I'll..." On a normal day, Mulder's teasing would have slid off, like water off the proverbial duck, but not this time. He was getting to her and she wished he wouldn't. It was too like when she'd been a little girl. Trying so desperately to be equal with her brother, only to have Ahab carelessly tease her about it. Later he'd made it up by buying the BB gun for her, but she'd never forgotten that childhood hurt. Having Mulder act similarly, was for some reason infinitely worse. "All right Scully. Peace, okay." Mercurial Mulder struck again "C'mon we're wasting time, we've got a lot to do today anyway." "Oh yeah like what? Skinner gave us the whole day off." She'd rarely seen him so happy. Her resentment and Freudian angst melted in the face of his glee. It struck her just how long it had been since she'd see him happy. It was also infectious. She'd never been able to stay gloomy when Mulder got in touch with his Ritalin- worthy inner-child. "We've got to take you shopping" "Oh shit." ***************** The Mall 10:00am Scully was seriously contemplating shooting Mulder's other shoulder after she'd spent an hour shopping with him. He seemed to delight in taking her to boutiques she'd privately labeled as "sluts-are- us" shops. Each seemed worse than the last. The one they were in currently had the dubious title of Tease Me. "Hey Scully, I think you'd look really cool in this. Try it on." He exuberantly thrust what looked like a large elasticized headband into her grasp. "Mulder, I refuse to wear that. Frankly I think that any six year old would have trouble fitting into it. What the hell are we doing in this place anyway? I thought that I was going back to school, not trying out my skills as the new prostitute on the block." She'd got a little louder than intended, and so gotten them thrown out of the shop, by an extremely indignant and affronted sales- assistant. By this time, Mulder's smile had graduated to a full-blown grin. "Scully, Scully, what am I going to do with you? You know you really need to brush up on your people skills, otherwise I might have to recommend you visit the school counselor to deal with your unresolved issues with anger." Looking at her Mulder saw Scully looking down right depressed. He had expected her to be pissed off, angry or even fuming, but he hadn't expected sadness. He tilted her face up and was horrified to see tears in her eyes. Slowly they started to run down her face. "I'm sorry Scully, I'm being a prick. I'll stop." He said frantically "I didn't mean to make you cry. Shit, Scully, don't cry. Yell at me, hit me, shoot me if necessary just don't cry. Please." The earnestness of his plea made her smile banishing the tears which had frightened him . He looked so concerned it took all her self-control not to kiss him. "You didn't make me cry Mulder, I promise. There's no real reason that I'm crying. No that's a lie, I guess I'm disappointed that the only reason that I was picked for this assignment was that I could look like a teenager. Shit Mulder, I'm just as qualified as any of those bastards up at VCU, yet the only reason they remembered me was because I was a woman, and a sicko is preying on young girls. You know Mulder, since I've been a child, I've always tried to keep up with the boys. And no matter how I've proved myself, at some point someone always reminds me of my sex. Like it's a black mark against me. I hate that. I hate being made to feel that I should apologize for being a female." Scully's frankness was shocking, for both Mulder and Scully herself. She had never done that before. Since Antarctica, Mulder had felt a change in the dynamics of their relationship. Scully started opening up to him a lot more, as if she'd decided, finally, to let him in. Everything had been going well for a while, after Holman and Sheila, he finally thought they would finish what had begun in the hallway the summer before, but then the whole debacle with Diana happened. Scully withdrew again, not that Mulder could blame her. Walls were once again erected, but Mulder found it easier to find the cracks this time. He used any means, scrupulous or un, to try and get back to the point they had been at post Kroner Kansas. While things had gotten better, he knew there were a whole smorgasbord of issues to be dealt with before they could really move past Diana and the turbulence of this whole year. Mulder still cringed when he thought of the shitty way he treated Scully over that whole thing. He couldn't believe he had basically told her he trusted Diana over her. Not only that, but then he'd compounded his utter bastardry by accusing her of 'making it personal'. He was the last person to lecture about making things personal, and he knew it. His whole quest was about Samantha. At least it had been. Mulder couldn't quite pinpoint the moment when his quest for Samantha came second to his life he wanted with Scully, he only realized it when Scully had called him to the hospital, and calmly handed down their death sentence. Thinking about that horrendous time Mulder shuddered unconsciously. Scully had watched as he zoned out on her, but knew not to disturb him. When he shuddered, however, she got concerned. "Mulder, Mulder, are you okay?" " Sorry Scully, what did you say?" He asked distantly "I said are you all right. You zoned out on me Mulder, and I don't think that you went to a particularly happy place. Wanna tell me about it?" Scully knew whatever it was, it couldn't have nice. Knowing was one thing, but asking him to share was something completely different. It was hard for them to open up to each other. And that was the understatement of, possibly, the millennia. Scully had often tried to figure out the exact nature of their relationship. She loved Mulder, and had no problem admitting it. Scully also knew she was also in love with him. Before Mulder's had been a factor in her existence, she'd found it strange some people had trouble making the distinction. After knowing Mulder less than two years, she didn't. Scully was perfectly happy to love Mulder. Loving him was easy, because she knew he loved her back, he had proved it to her many times, most obviously in Antarctica. Antarctica. That whole episode managed to leave Scully very confused. It was the first time Mulder had ever seriously intimated the love he felt for her was not brotherly or platonic. It was also the first time she allowed herself to admit she'd fallen in love with Mulder, and had been in love with him for a long time. When they returned, she consciously started tearing down all her self-imposed barricades, ready to let Mulder into her heart. After Sheila, Scully decided it was finally the right time to tell Mulder she loved him, or to be more accurate, she was in love with him. Then Diana came back into the picture. She had never been under any illusions about Diana, she knew Mulder shared a past with her which included the finding of the X-Files. She had been able to deal with the immediate trust Mulder placed in Diana. She may not have liked her, but she always tried to remain objective. Scully had expected Diana to question her importance to the X- Files, and only when she had, what she considered, irrefutable evidence of Diana's duplicity, did she take her suspicions to Mulder. What she hadn't expected was the vicious way Mulder had turned on her. Questioning her judgment, and motives, and relegating her concerns to the female toilets. Scene of every good estrogen- induced cat-fight. After that meeting in the Gunmen's office, Scully thought long and hard about whether or not to leave the X- Files. She then realized that there was no point to the thought, since long ago she had pledged herself, mind, body and soul to the X- Files, but more truthfully, and possibly more humiliatingly, to Mulder. No, being in love with Fox Mulder was no easy task. Scully knew he was sorry for the way he'd treated her, but she also knew while the incident was over, they had far from left it behind. They had to talk, and soon. It could very easily be the defining moment in their relationship. One that would either take their partnership to a new level, or one that could break it altogether. Scully hadn't realized while these thoughts had been running through her head, her face had acted mirror for all her emotions. Mulder watched as Scully's usually serene face, went through a series of changes. Whatever Scully had been thinking of wasn't pleasant. She looked worried, almost scared. He longed to be able to ask her what was wrong, but he felt he had lost the right to know the inner workings of The Enigmatic Dr. Scully. That was what hurt the most for him. Knowing he had only himself to blame for this. He had chosen not to believe her. Scully. The only person who had never let him down. The woman who by sheer force had kept him alive till now. Watching her, he once again fully understood how much he loved this woman. She completed him in ways no other person, not even Samantha, could. He vowed to himself they would talk, and this time it wouldn't take her resignation for him to tell her how much she meant to him. "Scully, Scully, what were you saying about zoning out? God, you were on another planet just now. See any men from Recticula, while you were there?" Though he meant to go for light, the nervousness in his tone snapped Scully back. "Sorry Mulder, what were you saying?" Her eyes were still troubled and he bent slightly so he could look directly into them. "Actually you were asking me where I'd zoned out to. I guess I could ask you the same." "Can we just drop the subject please? It was nothing important anyway." He moved out of her space, hearing the dismissal in her tone. Regretting her mechanical reply, Scully literally breached the gap between them, determined not to fall into their usual pas de deux of avoidance an denial. "C'mon, we've still got to find clothes for this assignment, and I think that you should get some. Not many teachers I know can afford Armani suits." Mulder knew Scully wasn't ready to trust him with her feelings and thoughts yet, and for the second time that day he promised himself that would all change soon. "All right Scully, let's go shopping. If your try and get me into tacky leather-patched jackets, I might have to kill you though." She couldn't help smiling at the vision his words conjured up. No matter how Scully masked her feelings, no one could mistake the love in the smile. Mulder adored that smile. Probably because he saw it so rarely. He had privately dubbed it the 'Alaska Smile', in honor of when he'd first seen it. He had woken up from the retro-virus, and Scully hadn't bawled him out for ditching her, but had just smiled, welcoming him back to the world of the living. A world so much more precious to him because of her. Even then. "Mulder, you dare to speak of tacky. You. The man who revels in wearing the tackiest ties he can find." The Puckish spirit of mischief, which possessed Mulder earlier, seemed to transfer itself into Scully. All of a sudden she wanted to laugh, really laugh. And she wanted to laugh with Mulder. "By the way, I think you'd look cute in a leather-patched jacket, so would all the rest of your female students." His smile was worth any embarrassment she felt, disclosing such long- held secrets. "Oh and Mulder, I knew your tastes bordered on kinky, but I never knew you were so into bondage." "Huh?" Mulder was so shocked at Scully casually discussing his supposed sexual tastes, it was all he was able to conjure up from his exhaustive Oxford-educated vocabulary. "Yell at me, hit me, shoot me. Shit Mulder, that's not just kinky, that's s&m. Why didn't you tell me you were into domination?" By this time Mulder had recovered the power of speech. He was thrilled Scully had decided to instigate this regression into adolescence. Once upon a time they'd traded insults regularly. Gradually it happened less and less. Mulder had missed it sorely. He didn't quite know why Scully was acting like this, but he knew he wasn't going to fight it. In fact he was going to go with it. In a major way. "Hell Scully, you above all people should know how I just love to be punished." He didn't even have to leer, the innuendo was so patent. "Really, so that explains why you just love to piss off Skinner." She lobbed back, without batting an eyelash. " Oh Mulder, why didn't you tell me you felt that way about Walt. You should have known I would have supported you. I think it's really brave of you to come out, and I feel honored I was the first person you told." Mulder found himself unable to scrape the grin of his face throughout this whole exchange. It felt beyond good to be able to laugh with Scully again. He was also amazed at how easily she turned the tables on him. He got the feeling that neither of them would be able to view meetings with Skinner in the same light. "My aren't we the funny one today." His eyebrow mirroring Scully's favorite trick with ease. "What's the matter Mulder, can't take it. Funny, you always seem able to dish out plenty. C'mon take your best shot, I dare you." Scully knew the whole conversation was only going to become more juvenile, she was still having trouble believing that she had just dared Mulder - Christ she hadn't acted like this since she was a kid- but she was having too much fun. Mulder, in the mean time was wondering just how exactly to pay her back. She had insulted his manhood in the worst possible way, to let her go unpunished was unthinkable. Then he remembered the perfect payback, and the most suitable, for this Peter Pan day. "All right Scully, you asked for it. Let's see how much you can take." Before she had time to process all the nuances of his threat, Mulder was tickling her. The shock of it took Scully by surprise for a minute, but soon they were engaged in a full-fledged war. Mulder had forgotten Scully had grown up as a youngest sister. Add to that, she'd been a tomboy as a kid, and it was a lethal combination. Pretty soon she was getting the better of him, so he decided to pull out the big guns, using the obvious size difference to his advantage. He caught her in a bear hug and held her so she was unable to move, "Mulder, you're cheating. You can't do that it's against the rules." Scully hoped her voice held more conviction, than she felt. "Since when did I follow the rules, Scully?" He mocked holding her even tighter against him "Besides all's fair in love and war. " Mulder smugly returned. "So this is war huh?" She asked softly. All teasing gone from her voice. Both of them stopped their mock-struggle. Mulder knew telling Scully that he loved her would be a mistake. At this point anyway. He'd tried blurting it out once before, and only got a rather painful `oh brother' for his trouble. There were too many issues to be dealt with first. At the same time, he knew to say it was war, even in jest, would make Scully put up all the walls he had taken so long to pull down. A compromise was the only option, if not the preferred one. "Aw Scully, you know we could never be at war with each other." He crooned into her left ear, which was conveniently near his mouth. Fleetingly he wondered what she'd do if he traced the shell with his tongue. The thought mesmerized him, stopping all cogency dead in its tracks "Oh yeah? Why is that?" She queried, pulling him back to the far more complicated present "Because you know all my strategies, and would probably whip my ass in a minute." He offered impertinently, looking exactly like his thirteen year old self just then "And such a nice ass it is." She purred, twisting herself so he could see her batting her eyelashes madly. "Scully!" He wasn't sure if his shock was feigned or real. " See while I may know all your strategies, you don't know all of mine." Quickly slipping out of his embrace, which had loosened with surprise, Scully stood just out of his reach, smiling impishly. "Remember Mulder, surprise is the best form of attack." She delivered seriously, in the same tones she did her lectures in Quantico. Mulder had a hard time keeping a straight, or relatively straight, face watching her as she moved lightly around him, always just out of reach. "You know what's another really good form of attack, Scully?" He asked quietly. "What?" She knew she was going to regret asking, but she'd never been able to conquer her curiosity. "This." Mulder launched himself at her. She'd seen it coming, but knew she was no match when it came to out- running him. It didn't stop her from trying . Anyone looking for Special Agents Mulder and Scully residents of the Basement, and general Cassandra's of the FBI, would not have recognized them. All they would have seen, was a couple laughing uncontrollably, acting like children on their summer break. And those who were discerning would have only recognized them, as a couple, very much in love. ******************* Scully's Apartment 11:00pm "Well I'm all packed Mulder. Why don't we go over the case files for a while?" Scully was at a loss for what to do. She had no real desire to go over the case file, but didn't think she could handle just 'hanging out' with Mulder. Necessity had forced him to stay at her place overnight since they had a horrendously early flight. Scully felt nervous with him in her apartment, it reminded her too much of the Eddie van Blundht disaster. The fact she knew she was nervous did nothing to put her at ease. Mulder was also feeling the tension in the air. As soon as they stepped over the line during the whole Dallas fiasco everything changed. Suddenly this felt just a little too much like the last awkward part of a first date for his comfort. He knew Scully was feeling it just as much as he was, but he didn't know what to do, so he did what he did best. Hid behind the facade of the Insatiable Workaholic. "Sure Scully, but frankly I don't think where going to learn any more about the UNSUB from what we've got. You know something's bothering me about this casefile. I think it's the lack of case. I mean Jesus Scully, our people are already part of the investigation, why is it I get the feeling Springfield's Chief Wiggum would have put together a more comprehensive report." He scrubbed at his face repeatedly, not noticing Scully's worried looks in doing so. " Mulder, don't." The urgency in her voice made him look up " Don't start the case before you have to. As you said, our people there have already got their hands on this one. Not even we are so good, that we can suddenly find something they couldn't. At least not immediately." She added conscientiously, remembering all the times Mulder had done just that. " You're right Scully." Her reflexive glance made him smile " I'm looking for things, which aren't there. It's just in the past, I've always gone in being prepared for the worst. It made it easier when someone put the whammy on us. Besides, Skinner gave us this, it doesn't have a whiff of smoke, so we have no reason to think it might not be legit. Still, I don't know. my gut has a bad feeling about this one." Scully was unsure whether or not to press him further. Mulder had always been reticent about his profiling days. The John Mostow case, had given her a glimpse of what he must have been like, and what he must have endured all those years. It took a considerable amount of control, to repress her shudder remembering how scared she was for him. Involuntarily, she found herself praying he wasn't right. " I think your gut is telling you to lay off the extra chili, Mulder." His smile told her, he wasn't convinced. Mulder had been weaned in the VCU and if there was one thing he'd learnt well, it was to trust your gut. But these days Scully outranked his gut. She was just as right as he was. There was no point sinking into the profile before he even had all the facts. So he let it go. Turning the topic, and actively lightening the mood. "So why don't we practice who we're gonna be for the next `god- knows-how-long' ." Mulder could have kicked himself. So intent on easing Scully's concern for him on this case, he'd fallen back into their traditional patterns. When in doubt, talk shop. Work was as much their jailer, as their savior. "This has to be the stupidest undercover assignment ever." Scully groaned, not seemingly bothered by the return of work in this faux Snow Day. "God, I can't believe I have to go back to high school. As if the first time wasn't bad enough." She muttered, this time without rancor. "Oh c'mon Scully, I bet high school wasn't as bad for you, as it was for me." He was glad of the opening she had given him, back into the un-walled memories of her childhood. "Please," she snorted inelegantly, "you try being a short, science geek, with carrot red hair. " "I'd take that over being viewed as a murderer." By the way he clammed up, Scully knew Mulder hadn't meant to let that last part slip. It didn't really surprise her, children were always notoriously cruel. But her heart ached all the same for the gangly, lost, young boy, she still occasionally caught a glimpse of. " I guess it's fairly safe to say that not many of our best memories happened during high school, huh." Mulder quipped, smiling, though there was no humor in the smile. Knowing any sort of verbal acknowledgment would be met with a gentle rebuff, Scully settled for gently rubbing her thumb against the back of his hand, which had somehow landed in her lap through the course of the evening. The silence shifted from painful to peaceful, and both were content not to break the rare moment. It didn't last long. As usual. This time reality came in the guise of Mrs. Scully's phone call . Mulder tried hard not to listen in, but he couldn't help hearing bits and pieces. "Hi mom... ...no I'm sorry I won't be able to make it, I'm on an assignment ...yes, I'll be careful ...no it's an X-file ...we're going undercover ...I have to be a high school student ...funny, mom, real funny ... no he gets to be teacher" He had to smile. There was no hiding the petulant tone in Scully's voice. It was practically a whine. For once he had, arguably, the upper hand in a situation, and he decided to revel it while he could. It wouldn't last long, but he was going to enjoy the ride for as long as possible. His thoughts about the whole farce were suddenly interrupted by a deafening shriek from Scully. "...MOM, I can't believe you just said that ...no I've not forgotten that you lived on Navy Bases for over thirty years. ... NO I'm not going to tell him that ... NO you certainly can't tell him that ... I'm hanging up mom. Bye" Mulder was a little shocked, Scully never hung up on her mother. He was pretty sure there was a commandment somewhere specifying you couldn't do that. He had never done it, even at the most frigid moments in his ongoing non-relationship with his mother. It made him wonder what exactly Mrs. Scully had said to put that look on Scully's face. "Scully, are you all right? " He pressed gently. It was only then Scully seemed to notice him, trying not to peer worriedly into her face. " Yeah I'm fine Mulder. Really." She added as she saw his grimace at the infamous `f' word. Scully was far from fine, anyone could see that, but Mulder still couldn't figure out just what exactly her mother had said, in what seemed a fairly innocuous conversation. "Hey Scully did your mom say something to upset you? Is something wrong? Do you want me to speak to her?" He could have sworn Scully had started smiling at the first part of his worried babble, however when he mentioned speaking to her mother she once again got agitated. "Mulder please, I promise there's no need for you to speak to my mother, don't worry about it." Scully realized, she had really got Mulder worried. In actual fact all her mother had been doing was teasing her, about Mulder. She had made some crude comments, crude for her mother, about student, teacher relationships in schools. There was nothing unusual in her teasing, but for some reason it had really got to Scully this time. Perhaps it was because Mulder and she had crossed the line, and liked it. Or perhaps it was the simple fact Mulder had been sitting in front of her -looking absolutely fuckable- when her mother had started talking about janitor's closets, and there alternative uses. "Scully, I'm sorry I didn't mean to intrude. What I mean to say is that I have no right to assume that your mother wants to speak to me, I mean..." Mulder had done more apologizing in the one day, than he had for most of his six year partnership with Scully. He knew he sounded like an idiot, but from the smile on Scully's face, he guessed she didn't mind. "Mulder, Mulder you're babbling. I promise, nothing's wrong. You aren't intruding, mom loves to speak to you. And you have a right." It was obvious, that last part had slipped out. Scully suddenly flushed, and found herself, ducking her head to avoid scrutiny, but still trying to gauge Mulder's reaction from under her lashes. She watched as Mulder's face lost its uncertainty. His smile broke like dawn after a storm, beautiful in it's brilliance. They had moved much closer together, though neither had any memory of doing so and Mulder's hand was cradling her cheek, his thumb moving in tiny hypnotizing circles. "I can't help worrying about you Scully, it's my job." He found himself murmuring, for fear of breaking the gossamer moment. "I know Mulder, but sometimes, your just too good at your job for your own good." She allowed herself to sink into the moment a minute more, before pulling back resolutely. " Now get some rest, we have about five hours before we have to head of to the airport, and you need your sleep." It was hard sounding firm and rational, when her vocal chords were disobeying the messages her brain was sending . But it did the trick. Scully's change of tone and subject signified the end of their moment. They were back to Agents Mulder and Scully. Partners, and consummate professionals. Mulder could feel himself slipping back into the familiar role. He knew that it was required he make some comment about Scully's martial tone, so he obliged. "Yes mom." His smile not only seemed forced, but contained an unhealthy dose of self-derision. "Anymore of those smartass comments, and I might feel the need to cause you some serious pain." She deliberately laid herself open for his innuendo, hoping to ease some of the bitterness dyeing the light out of eyes. "Ooh Scully, I just got seriously turned on." He said predictably, smiling genuinely this time. "Bed Mulder, and if you snore, I'll shoot you." Scully quickly headed to bed, leaving him to the couch and his thoughts. He stood staring at her bedroom door trying to compute the Scully of the day, with the Scully he was used to. His mind though, kept vividly replaying her unguarded moment when Scully let slip he had a 'right'. "A right to what Scully? To care for you? To worry about you? To love you? What?" Mulder realized he was talking out loud, and quickly reduced it to a gravelly mutter "Great Scully, just great, you've just made absolutely sure that I'll get no sleep tonight." He might have slept a little, if he had known, on her side of the door, Scully was having as much, if not more, trouble getting to sleep, as she remembered the feel of his hand and the smile in his eyes. ***************** In The Plane 6:00am "Listen Scully, why don't you just get some more sleep now." Mulder finally ventured, after Scully's scowl had gone from black, to volcanic. "I shouldn't Mulder, we are meant to be going over the details of our cover." Her response was automatic, but Mulder guessed with a little more pressing Scully would quite willingly give in to him. " Oh c'mon Scully, if I know you, you already have all the details memorized. Besides you haven't had your usual caffeine intake, and I just know you're about to seriously harm that Prozac-dependent attendant they've assigned to us." Scully smiled wryly at that . Mulder was right. She did know all the details of by heart, and she was just about ready to throw her casefile at the next obscenely perky attendant that passed her by. Deciding that she could use a little more sleep Scully started squirming around, trying to find the comfiest spot on the seat. Mulder watched her antics with an amused smile, which was immediately wiped off when he realized Scully was giving him one of her patented glares. "Want to tell me what's so funny Mulder?" Her aggression was mock. Mostly. "Actually, I was just remembering one of the earliest X-Files that I opened" Mulder informed her gleefully traipsing where angels not only feared to tread, but wouldn't go within a forty mile radius of. "What was it? " Anything about his past intrigued her. Possibly because he told her so little of it. "It was how airline seats can't be built with human proportions in mind. I mean even you have trouble getting comfy in them." It was with an effort he'd managed to keep the adolescent laughter at bay, but Scully's ludicrously annoyed face did him in. "Mulder, have I told you lately that I hate you?" She huffed trying to keep herself from giving in to her own amusement. Mostly fueled by his unrepentant chortling. "Hey, I didn't know you were a closet Rod Stewart fan Scully. Sheesh I never thought that big hair would turn you on. I see the error of my ways now. Note to self, buy lots of hairspray. Lots." The thought of Mulder with Rod Stewart hair was so incongruous, that Scully could not muster up any residual resentment she might have felt of his height -or lack thereof- comment. Instead she gave in to the laughter Mulder was longing to hear. "God you can be such idiot. Now shut up and let me get some sleep." She said peremptorily. With that she leaned across, placed her head on his shoulder, and with a contented sigh drifted off to sleep. I Mulder on the other hand remained very much awake. Scully's head across his chest ensured it. He didn't mind. In fact he was glad she'd fallen asleep since he was then given free reign to indulge, without fear of being caught, in one of his favorite pastimes. Scully- watching. Looking at her asleep, Mulder saw why she had been picked to masquerade as a teenager. Not only because she looked so young, but because when not weighed down with the weight of inter-galactic conspiracies her face held a hope in it. Most agents lost within their first couple of years in the Bureau. Of course it did help that she was about the height of the average fourteen year old. No one would ever guess within that tiny frame, there was enough power to solve the energy crisis though. Not to mention ass-kicking abilities, which had made her the envy of male and female agents alike. A grin stole over his face. Scully was without question a dynamo, but she was also the most patient person he had ever met. Mulder knew his reputation for being enigmatic, spooky. In fact he'd fostered it to a certain degree. It helped keeping most people at bay. But as he watched Scully he felt as transparent as a pane of glass. There was still so much about her, she kept hidden. She had once said that he kept unfolding like a flower, but he thought it was far more true of her. As he pondered over the puzzle that was Scully, Mulder felt himself getting sleepy. It never failed to amaze him that when he was alone, he'd manage about two hours of broken sleep. With Scully near him, he'd sleep like a baby, and would usually have to be woken. "God, I can't even get to sleep without her. " He mused, once again not realizing he was speaking aloud. Scully stirred at his voice. "What's wrong Mulder?" Her voice was thick with a mixture of sleep and concern. "Nothing Scully, go back to sleep." His hushed tones allayed her immediate concern. "You sure?" This time her voice was more sleepy than worried. "Yes, sleep, don't worry" He crooned, as one would to a fussy baby. "Hmm that feels nice" she mumbled, burrowing further into his shoulder, till her head was securely in the crook of his neck. At first he didn't know what Scully was talking about. For an insane minute, he thought he had interrupted Scully while she was having a dream, a very nice dream. But when he looked down he realized he had been stroking her hair. It shocked the hell out him that Scully hadn't called him on it. In fact she seemed to enjoy it. Before he could start torturing himself about the meaning of that, he decided to get some sleep himself. So laying his head gently on top of Scully's, he settled in for the rest of the flight. **************** Bakersfield Kensington Ave. 11:00pm Mulder and Scully were thoroughly exhausted. The whole day had been designed to send them out of their minds, or at least that's what it seemed like to them. From the mis- placement of their luggage, which only turned up once they pulled out their credentials, to the rat-trap of a place that they were living in. The agent who had brought them here called it a "fixer-upper". Her inference was that they would have to do all the fixing up. Scully was sure before the woman had joined the FBI, she must have been seriously contemplating a career in real estate. As they both sat on the sofa, in a near catatonic daze, Mulder happened to glance up at the time. "Oh God, it's already eleven. C'mon Scully, bedtime. Remember tomorrow is a school day." He was expecting some sort of reply, even if it was the usual 'Mulder shut up', however when he looked at her, he saw that Scully had once again beaten him to the punch. She was already fast asleep. He debated on whether or not to wake her or leave her on the couch, but seeing the angle her neck was at, he decided his life wouldn't be worth living if he let her sleep like that the whole night.. As gently as he could Mulder picked her up, and headed towards the room Scully had made her own. "Typical" he thought "The only times I get to do this is when she's unconscious. Probably safer that way though." He couldn't help grinning . Scully was not a woman who liked Rhett Butler wannabe's, or Rhett Butler for that matter. In fact he got the distinct impression if Rhett had ever tried any of that `macho stuff' on her, it would have been him tumbling down the staircase, instead of Scarlett. Laying her on the bed, he once again couldn't help marveling at how everything he held dear managed to fit into a five foot frame. Without stopping to think, Mulder kissed Scully on the cheek, and turned towards the door. Looking back over to do a final check, he nearly died of heart failure, realizing Scully was awake, and staring directly into his eyes. Scully could actually see every muscle freeze up, as though waiting for punishment. "Goodnight Mulder, and thank you" she said softly. "Goodnight Scully" he replied in a voice thick with emotion. He had heard everything she left unsaid. The need, the want and most of all the love. He quickly walked out and shut the door, if he hadn't left, he would have blurted out something neither of them were ready to hear just yet. As he lay restlessly in bed Mulder combed over all those 'moments' taking place over the last couple of days. It was obvious both Scully and he were consciously moving towards what they'd fought against for so long. Uselessly as it turned out. "What I need, is a plan of action" he decided "No more drug-induced professions of love. The next time I tell Scully I love her, she's going to know that I mean it." Mulder couldn't help finding it funny, that to `woo' Scully he was employing a methodical approach she'd so long tried to make him use when approaching a case. It was apt after all. Their relationship had always been the ultimate X-File. Completely unexplainable, and one which defied all conventional logic. Making sense to them alone. *************** 1 week later Mulder was late `home', still finishing off some marking. Though all the staff knew they were FBI agents - despite the very sketchy profile, the field office had assured them it could be no member of the staff- they had both been treated as teacher and pupil, and within school time were expected to maintain that facade. Besides when the Principal had found out Mulder was an Oxford graduate with a minor in English Literature, she had put his abilities to full use. Scully had long since finished for the day, but sat disconsolately on the couch. She had tried keeping herself busy, first with work, then with cleaning and even with her homework. But the fact of the matter was she was lonely. Or more accurately she was lonely for Mulder. Scully hadn't had him in action yet, as a teacher, but already he was hot gossip. At least fifteen girls in her year alone with major crushes on him. They rhapsodized about the passion in his voice, when he read poetry out loud. She was looking forward to her first class with him for reasons she scarcely was ready to admit to herself. Instead of indulging herself with a long overdue bubble bath, Scully continued to wait in the living room, trying to shake the loneliness which had wrapped itself around her. It puzzled her. She'd been living on her own for over fifteen years, and for the first time she found herself wishing away solitude she usually craved. After glancing at the clock and seeing the hands exactly where they'd previously been, Scully got extremely annoyed. "What the hell is wrong with you, Dana. This is the first time all week that you have the house to yourself. Instead of enjoying yourself, you're. moping around the house wasting time. Break out the bubble bath, or those Godiva's you just got.. just do something . " The impromptu mini-diatribe, ended in an almost wail. Scully waited for a minute seeing if her pep-talk had done any good . If it had, it must have been on a subliminal level. "It's no fun without Mulder" she thought before she could sensor her traitorous inner voice. "God, I am so pathetic. Just because he's been nice to me for one week, I've turned into some clinging parody of myself." Thinking over the past week, Scully had to admit the word `nice' was a gross understatement of what Mulder had been like. He'd shown a side she had rarely seen. In fact the only time she could remember him being as wonderful , was when she had literally been on her death-bed. Had she not been in love with him before, she would have definitely been by now. It was not to say Mulder was a changed man, far from it. Only this was a side he rarely showed even to her. This was Mulder when he refused to let his demons conquer him. This was the Mulder who stood with her at the edge of all her abysses, and gave her a reason not to jump. Simply, this was Mulder at his best. When not working on their assignment, they spent hours lazing on the sofa, and talking. She had learned more about Mulder in the last week than she had known in all their six years. He told her everything. He didn't try to protect his battered heart by shutting her out. Hearing all his tales, she understood how that sultan long ago had fallen under the spell of Scheharazade so completely. Mulder never merely re-told a story, he re- lived it. Bringing it to life so strongly Scully could feel every single emotion, as if it was her story he was telling. In turn she found herself telling him tales of childhood herself had long forgotten . Mulder listened intently as he heard about Dana trying to protect a defenseless rabbit from her brother's childish cruelty. If she had been looking up, Scully would have seen Mulder's face take on a murderous expression, his hands convulsively clenching into fists as if they were pounding something or someone. So deep in thought trying to reconcile the last week with their usual relationship of 'don't ask, don't tell', Mulder arrived unnoticed. Glad of this moment, when he could study at will, Mulder was amazed at the luminous softness of her expression. He had only seen that particular expression a handful of times. In fact only two occasions came to mind. When he first saw her sitting on the floor, watching Emily, her daughter of less than a week, industriously draw a potato and when had bared his soul to her in his hallway. What he couldn't know was Scully's face always took on that expression when thinking of him in private. "Honey I'm home" he announced. The facetiousness of this comment was directly contradicted with gentleness of his smile. Shaken out of her introspective mood, Scully made no attempt to hide how glad she was. The brilliance of her smile dazzled him, and made coherent thought extremely hard. "You're late." She chided, still sitting. "Yeah well I was marking papers." He explained, throwing his coat onto the sofa carelessly. The conversation was so normal, so mundane, that they both recognized how truly bizarre the moment was. Grins started spreading across both their faces at the same time, and pretty soon they were laughing like they hadn't done in a long time. Wholeheartedly. "So how come I don't see Capra on the box and Godiva wrappers all around you." he managed after they had got their laughter under control. "It's no fun without you." It was an unthinking remark, but for a minute she was almost sorry she had said it. For so long her natural instinct had been to hide how deeply she needed Mulder, that it was a conscious effort to actually tell him what she felt. When she saw him smile, a smile that lit his whole face, she was glad she told him, and felt guilty about all the times she'd held back. "Believe me Scully, I know what you mean." His sincerity almost undid her, and she turned away so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. It threw Mulder, seeing Scully overcome. Working purely on instinct, he walked towards her, enfolded her in his arms murmuring indistinct, soothing noises . For a minute he felt her body go stiff with resistance, but slowly she softened, laying her head directly over his heart. "I'm sorry Mulder. I don't know what came over me." Mulder strained to hear her, as she mumbled unnecessary apologies into his chest. "Scully, don't you know that you never have to apologize to me? Besides I'm still way ahead of you in the 'loss of control' department." He could feel her chuckle rumble slightly against his chest, and felt absurdly pleased at coaxing out her laugh "Mulder..." She looked directly into his gaze, comfortable in his embrace "Yeah" "...you have control?" Scully felt Mulder chuckle deep in her own chest. Though she regained her equilibrium, he still continued to hold her. She found herself wishing they could stay like that forever, and almost smiled at her mawkishness. Needing to snap out of her uncharacteristic behavior, Scully slowly eased herself out of Mulder's embrace. "So, have you made any progress?" Knowing Scully wasn't ready, Mulder allowed the obvious change of topic, but promised himself not give into the Scully-dodge when they finally had `the talk'. Thinking about the case, Mulder felt his good mood evaporate. It was going nowhere. Their ASAC seemed to think that Spooky should have got some results by now, after all that was the only reason that he was still on the Bureau's payroll. Mulder found himself agreeing with him. "I don't know Scully, I keep on feeling that we don't have all the pieces yet." Unconsciously he started rubbing the exact spot where a bullet had glanced of his forehead earlier in the summer. " There's something I'm missing, but I don't know what." "Mulder, we've only been here a week. Don't push, when it comes it comes." She was fast regretting the out she'd taken to avoid actually talking to Mulder. It always terrified her when she had to watch her partner throw himself to the wolves, each and every time. "Yeah, but in the mean time this guy has managed to kill twice. He's escalating, Scully. You know he is." By his tone, Scully could tell Mulder had started to blame himself for the lack of progress on the case. "Not even a full week on the case, and already it's his fault" she inwardly raged. " I hate Bill Mulder. it's his fault that Mulder will go through life ready to assume burdens that don't belong to him. Bastard, may he rot in Hell for what he did and didn't do." Scrutinizing him, Scully could see the toll this case was already taking on him . His eyes were shadowed deeply, and had taken on that haunted look that broke her heart to see. When he spoke of the impasse the whole team was at , she could almost see his shoulders slump a little further, assuming the full responsibility for the lack of movement. Never mind that the other members had had this baby for a whole lot longer. The sparkle present in his eyes when recounting past pranks on unsuspecting teachers, was missing. He needed to forget, even for a little while. Deciding her course of action, Scully moved over to the music system and began to fiddle with the radio. Roused by the noise, Mulder looked over, watching in bemusement as Scully continued to twiddle the dial. "Scully, what are you doing?" "I'm looking " She shot back, not even bothering to turn around and look at him "Never would have guessed. What are you looking for?" He grumbled. "I'll know when I find it." Scully answered distractedly, her attention focused mainly on the radio "Hey Scully, remember I agreed with Max Fenig, you have nothing to prove to me." Grumbling was fast becoming whining. She grinned at his last statement and the tone he delivered it in, but refused to be drawn by his cajoling. Instead she focused all her energy on twiddling that dial. Before Mulder could pass from amusement to irritation, she hit upon a station that wasn't playing Alanis, or any of the usual nineties angst. "Well we're back with the best of the best" the voice boomed " songs that you'll never forget. We've got some great ones coming up, but right now, here's my favorite. The one that makes me feel like I'm a kid all over again. Twist and Shout by the Beatles." "Aw Scully, you know I'm more of an Elvis man myself." Mulder quipped, feeling a little disappointed that Scully had felt the need for background noise, when he was around "Yeah well now you can listen to some real music." As the intro of the song started Mulder did a double take as Scully began gracefully moving in time to the music. "Uh, Scully, what are you doing?" His voice was a mix of trepidation, nervousness, and a huskiness she hoped was not due to impending flu. "Dancing." Rarely did she get to play Sherlock, and she found it amusing seeing Mulder so off-guard "Yeah I can see..." Whatever Mulder was about to say was lost as Scully put her hand over his mouth, and with her other hand drew him closer. Without another word she started dancing in earnest to the music. Mulder found himself hypnotized by her. Closing his eyes he listened, really listened, to the song. The raw sexuality of Lennon's voice and the sensuality of Scully's abandonment were a potent combination, and soon Mulder lost himself in the dance. The only thing that mattered was the woman in front of him, and the beat resonating right through to his soul. As he danced Mulder could feel the smile returning to his face. Looking at Scully, he saw the unfettered happiness he felt, mirrored on her face. The moment stood alone. Separate from everything else. They were not Mulder and Scully FBI agents, but two people reveling in the joy of the moment When the song ended they stood directly in front each other, smiling freely. Scully was glad to see the haunted look had left Mulder's eyes. Mulder was trying to figure out how Scully had managed to make him feel better than he had all day, in less than five minutes. Though he knew it was unnecessary to say anything, he felt the need to. He never wanted her to feel unappreciated again. "Thanks, I needed that." Despite having finished dancing they'd continued to hold on to one another. "Yeah well so did I" Scully wondered if Mulder had noticed himself stroking her forearm continuously, in short rhythmic motions. "You know I think you might have converted me. Elvis might be taking a back seat to the Fab Four." "Don't say that. A Fox Mulder with taste is not Fox Mulder. I'd probably have to stick an ice-pick in you, just to make sure." She wasn't sure if she was flirting or not. She was surprised at how little she cared either way. "Well I wouldn't complain, as long as I got to do all the things Michael Douglas got to do before he reached his use-by date." Mulder was afraid that he had stepped over the line with his throw away comment, but Scully threw him a smile which could only be classified as saucy and headed for her bedroom. "You know I really hate it when you do that" he called after her retreating figure. "Well why do you think I do it?" came her reply, without missing a beat. "Smart-ass" he muttered. "I heard that" she returned, matching mood for mood and wit for wit, without bothering to turn around. "Yeah well just for that I'm gonna pick on you in class tomorrow" he yelled back threateningly. "Ooh I live in fear. Goodnight." Before he could come up with a suitable retort, he heard her door shut firmly. "She always manages to do that doesn't she." Mulder complained to the furniture "God I love her." He heard a small choked-off gasp. For a moment everything did stay still. He closed his eyes - screwed them shut- and prayed this was one of those dreams akin the to the one where you're walking down the street, and everyone is looking at you because your naked. Mulder opened them, slowly, and his heart froze as he saw her reflection in the screen of the TV. "I thought you had gone to bed" he said without turning around "I needed a glass of water." Her voice was small. Something it had never been before. It broke his heart to hear it. Unable to keep from looking at her anymore, he turned around, as slow as an arthritic eighty year old, getting himself ready for inevitable heartbreak. Scully's eyes swept the ground completely from his feet. Her eyes, which had never been able to lie to him, even when her mouth had, were filled with an emotion he could scarcely identify.. It was only her shaky smile which refreshed his dormant memory and made his heart proverbially leap. Love. Unconditional love. It gave her eyes a sparkle of brilliance he'd seen far too rarely, For the longest time neither of them spoke, as if afraid to break a spell. Scully broke the deadlock. He watched her face slowly lose it's brilliance as disbelief and denial warred with what he'd inadvertently admitted. God knows if he hadn't seen her eyes in that rare unguarded moment, he wouldn't have known how Scully felt about him either . "You love me?" Her voice dripped uncertainty, and once again cursed himself for giving her cause to doubt him. Mulder knew he could not afford Scully doubting him. Not on this. Here was the defining moment. The one he had dreaded, and yet looked forward to for so long. But the fear was gone. He knew Scully loved him, and he clung to this as tenaciously as he clung to any of his un-provable theories. This was his Holy Grail. The end of a journey he had begun at the age of twelve. Not proof of conspiracies, proof of aliens, not even finding Samantha He had been right all along. The truth was going to set them free. "Yes I do." It felt like he was making a vow. Mulder realized that in effect, he was. "Are you in love with me?" Scully's voice was as unsure, as Mulder's was sure. "Yes I am. I have been for a very long time." Flowery declarations were neither his nor Scully's style. "Why?" The one word brought Mulder up short. "Why do I love you?" he asked incredulously. "Yes. I mean I'm all wrong for you." Scully persisted, a little more emphatically this time. "How can you say that?" He had been prepared for her to say she didn't feel the same. He hadn't been prepared for this though. "Well I never agree with you. I shoot you down. I make you doubt ..." With each addition to her list, Scully turned a little more emphatic, and the light which had shone so brilliantly dimmed a little more. "... Scully" Mulder interrupted " you don't do anything of those things and you know it. You're the one responsible for any credibility the X-Files actually has. It's through your acumen that our solve rate has X-File proportions itself. I need you just the way you are. You make me work to prove what I find, but you do it only because you care." He hadn't consciously thought of what to say to refute her. The words were just there. They had been there a long time, waiting for a chance to be set free. Scully's eyes shimmered with barely held- back tears. A tremulous smile graced her face, as Mulder justified and validated her so passionately, to herself. His voice cut sharply through the tumult of her thoughts. "Why do you think you're wrong for me anyway? She thought of not answering, but instead, hiding herself in her bedroom till he gave up. The notion of Mulder `giving up' nearly made her smile. That phrase, was definitely not in his personal lexicon. His question, though, sparked an anger she thought had dealt with after the El Rico disaster. Knowing he had been in love with her through the whole debacle, made his actions much more cruel, and as Scully pondered over this, the spark lit up like a Californian forest fire. "Why do I think I'm wrong for you Mulder" she asked in a tone, a dead ringer of the one he'd heard in the Gunmen's office. "You'd have to trust me for one thing, which is something you still can't manage, even after six years." She spat. Anger turning her eyes into unforgiving sapphires. "Scully, I do trust you. I promise you, you're the only one I trust." It sounded weak, even to him, in view of what he knew was coming. "Bullshit Mulder." There was no accusation in her voice, just a sad resignation. That scared him more than her cutting anger. "What the hell do you mean by that?" Defensiveness made him furious. "I mean that I am not the only one you trust." She explained tiredly, as one would to an annoying toddler. Mulder recognized the justness of the statement, and didn't reply. He couldn't have, even if he had wanted to. Shame kept him mute. "You know, it's always been you whose found it easier to trust people, not me." Scully said almost casually. "You claim I'm the 'only' one you trust, but as soon as there's some morsel of information relating to anything paranormal, you ditch me." The veneer of calm was slowly fading, but her voice maintained it's icy calm. "You don't trust me as your partner. You keep things from me that you have no right to, and only feed me pieces of information as you see fit. " She stopped for a moment holding back, unwilling even in her rage to hurt him, finally giving Mulder the opportunity to speak. "Scully, I'm sorry." He wanted to wince at her patent, instinctive, disbelief . "That's not just a cheap line Scully. I really am sorry. It's just. it's just hard for me trying to quell my urge to protect you." He saw her move to interrupt and quickly forestalled her " No let me finish please Scully. I know what you're going to say. Believe me. I've said it often enough in an effort to try and stop the self-flagellation session, but believe me Scully, it doesn't work." He took a hitching breath before continuing " I know you're a qualified agent . I know this, really I do. I know you had the same training I did, and I'm sure you'd probably be able to whip my ass any day on the obstacle course. I've seen you take down men double your size, and I've watched you wrestle with literal monsters. That's part of you're job description. You took all of that on when you stayed on the X-Files, and when you stayed with me. What you didn't take on was to be a constant hostage and chess piece in this fucking unending cosmic farce, we're fated to be part of. Please tell me you know I respect you. That you know this has nothing to do with me doubting you as an agent or as a person. This simple matter of the fact is, I'm a selfish, self-serving, asshole Scully. Anytime I see you hurt, wounded, bleeding, broken.my `tenuous grip on sanity' loosens a little more." He couldn't remember which Bureau appointed shrink had phrased it like that, but Scully and he had found it perversely amusing and had used the phrase constantly. Neither of them smiled this time. " I've just seen you hurt so many times, that I ditch you rather than see you get hurt again." He ended quietly. He kept his head down, not able to look at her yet and noted his hands shaking . Scully's face softened at Mulder's halting confession. It quenched her anger, leaving only an ache. It was so obvious every word he said was true, and straight from the heart, but it was horrific to see how badly they were at cross purposes. It was tearing them apart. She shivered thinking how long they would have allowed this impasse to continue, if she hadn't heard Mulder confiding to the furniture. "But don't you see Mulder, nothing hurts me more than you not trusting me. That's what hurts the worst. Not knife wounds, not bruises, only your lack of trust." She took a steadying breath before continuing "Sometimes I think I wonder if you even trust me as a friend." Mulder knew what that meant. Diana. He cursed himself not for telling Scully so many times. When they first had been partnered together, he hadn't seen it as necessary, and by the time he was ready to admit Scully was as vital to him as Samantha, he was terrified. Diana had left claiming it was his devotion to the files, which had killed their relationship. Only now he knew it had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with Diana being a Consortium whore, sicced onto him to distract him from the work. But the seeds were sown and the damage was done. It had convinced him any serious romantic relationship, would come into direct conflict with the X-Files, forcing him to choose. When he had acknowledged he was in love with Scully, he'd ruthlessly suppressed it, partly because even then he realized he would have given up anything, even Samantha if she'd asked him to. What he hadn't realized, was Scully wouldn't have let him. She loved him. All of him. Without conditions. It was her quest just as much as his, and Mulder had recognized in the past months Scully's determination to regain the X-Files was just as fierce as his. That was why she had stuck with the assignments that Kersh had constantly humiliated them with. He knew he owed her the truth. "I know Scully. This last year alone, I've given you enough reason to leave a thousand times over. I've hurt you time and time again. Sometimes unintentionally, and I'm sorry to admit, sometimes intentionally." Scully didn't look surprised. She wasn't. Mulder wasn't the only one ashamed of lashing out. Her tattoo was a constant reminder of the fact. Encouraged by her non-judgmental silence, he continued. "I'm sorry about everything that happened at the Gunmen's. You have no idea how much I wish I could go back, and do everything so differently. If I was only given one chance, to go back in time and change something, I promise you it would be that time." Scully shocked face effectively interrupted him. It wasn't hard to guess what she was thinking. "You thought, if I had that sort of chance, it would be about Samantha didn't you? That I would go back, and stop it. Scully could only nod. Her vocal chords had completely frozen up on her. "I wouldn't Scully, not anymore. Actually not for a very long time. Don't you know? Am I so bad at trying to show you how I feel? It's you Scully. You're the one who keeps me going, even when I don't want to. You validate me. You're the only part of me that I am proud of. I've lived for thirty-eight years, and I've only felt alive for six of them." He couldn't hold her gaze at his final confession. He was afraid to see pity in her eyes, but all he would have seen was love, if he had. Scully couldn't speak. Partly due to the fact she knew Mulder wasn't finished, and also partly due to the fact she couldn't, from the tears choking her throat. So she waited for him to finish, hoping by then to have got herself under more control. "I never meant for Diana to come between us, and I'm ashamed I was glad when I saw you were jealous. It was just. nice to know you were as affected, as I had always been. But I promise you Scully, for me, there was never a choice to be made. It's you. It always has been and it always will." He refused to keep his head bowed any longer. Doing possibly the bravest thing he had ever done, Mulder looked straight into her eyes. Not imploring her, not trying to manipulate her with winsome looks, but letting her look in. Dropping all the barriers he had used since he was twelve, and letting her see straight to his soul. Letting her finally see her place in his life. Standing there, statue-like, Mulder saw Scully and Scully saw Mulder. Without the miasma of guilt and private demons clouding their vision. It had been so long. Scully still hadn't said anything. It wasn't really necessary, but she owed it to Mulder and to herself. This was the start of something new, for both of them, and she wanted it to start right. " I love you, Mulder" It was simple, quiet, perfect. He walked slowly to her and wrapped his arms around her, content to stay like that forever. "Dance with me" He whispered finally. Unwilling to let her go, he moved them over to the music system and flipped it on. The station was the same, but instead of the bouncy little tunes of the early 60's an old folk ballad came on. The words drifted around them, like incense, and it seemed to him the song had been written expressly for them. John Denver's version of the song had never entranced him, but a woman sang this and made it a completely different song. Her smoky voice conveyed so much, neither of them spoke until the song ended. "I never believed in 'our songs' but that one was made for us." Somewhere he'd read, a true sign of being in love, was all love songs made sense. It was official then. "Yes" Scully answered dreamily, her head still resting against his shoulder. "You know, it's only him that she loves." Mulder questioned, a touch of anxiety still lacing his voice. "Yes" She answered soothingly, still not looking up. "There's also a marriage proposal at the end of it." He said after a minute. Mulder would have laughed at the way her head shot up, if the moment hadn't been so serious "What are you trying to say?" She probed, unwilling to read anything in the statement for fear of disappointment. "I'm saying that I want that to be our song, don't you?" He questioned hopefully. "Yes" She breathed, burrowing her face back in the safety of his shoulder. "Scully, do you know what I'm asking?" Gently prizing her head up, Mulder looked straight into her eyes, searching for any sign of hesitancy. "Yes" Her eyes held only joyous certainty. "Are you sure Scully? " He had to give her a last out, because after this, he knew there was no way he could ever let her go "Yes" She promised kissing his palm which was softly cupping her cheek. There was nothing else they needed to say. For the longest time Mulder just looked into her eyes, happy to memorize her expression. Then, slowly, they leaned into each other- who started it was impossible to tell- finally finishing what started in his hallway, a summer before. The End Part 2 appearing soon. The song is Leaving On A Jet Plane, sung by the folk group Peter, Paul, and Mary. --------------------------------------------- ----------------------- ----- LEAVING ON A JET PLANE (John Denver)Cherry Lane Music, Inc. BMI All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go I'm standing here outside your door I hate to wake you up to say goodbye But the dawn is breakin', its early morn The taxi's waiting, he's blowin' his horn Already I'm so lonesome I could cry. So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go. I'm leavin' on a jet plane I Don't know when I'll be back again Oh, babe, I hate to go. There's so many times I've let you down So many times I've played around I tell you now, they don't mean a thing Every place I go, I think of you Every song I sing, I sing for you When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring. So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go. I'm leavin' on a jet plane I Don't know when I'll be back again Oh, babe, I hate to go. Now the time has come to leave you One more time let me kiss you Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way. Dream about the days to come When I won't have to leave alone About the times, I won't have to say, So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go. I'm leavin' on a jet plane I Don't know when I'll be back again Oh, babe, I hate to go.