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To Adult Survivors
So often, long after the abuse has stopped, an abused individual will continue to feel the pain and fear and guilt of that abuse. Why guilt? Well, because most abused individuals feel that somehow, the abuse was their fault. They feel that if they were just a better person, if they had just done and said the right things, that the abuse would never have happened. Of course, this is just not true, and although the abused individual knows this intellectually, emotionally it still feels that way. This is especially true of those who have suffered sexual abuse. Often the sexual abuser will tell the child they abuse, "You made me do this, this is your fault! If you hadn't seduced me I would never have touched you!" This is a lie of course, but so many abused children believe this lie. The truth is, there is never a legitimate excuse for molesting a child or for abusing a child in any way. So let me now set your mind at ease and validate that which you know but just don't feel, and that is it was not your fault!Another difficulty that seems to befall many if not most individuals who were abused in childhood is that they tend to gravitate toward abusive people and abusive situations. This is not a conscious thing. The abused individual doesn't consciously go looking for abuse, but they seem to draw it upon themselves. Part of the reason for this is that abuse, whether the individual was physically, sexually or emotionally abused, is a known component to life. It is familiar. It is normal for an individual to gravitate toward that which is familiar. The problem with this is that one who was abused as a child will often wind up in abusive relationships or become an abuser as an adult. Often, children who were sexually abused will become prostitutes or sexual abusers as adults. It is not that they prefer to live this way, it is just that it is all they know. As the result of this, the cycle of abuse continues. Breaking this cycle is not easy and requires both education and assistance. If abused children can gain assistance and counseling early on, before the pattern is established as a way of life, the cycle of abuse can often be ended right there.
The greatest problem that abused individuals have, which tends to draw abuse, is difficulty with being assertive. The abused individual will often allow others to walk all over them, push them around, use them and yes, even abuse them because they are afraid to defend themselves. They learned, early on, that defending oneself generates more abuse, worse abuse, and so they just let it happen. It is important to note that a child has very few defenses to abuse, for they are small, but even when the abused individual is grown, they still seem to respond to abuse as though they are small. This is because the abused part of them is still that child, and thus they regress to this state when faced with abusive individuals or situations. That is why education and counseling is so important for the abuse survivor. It takes a great deal of commitment and a lot of difficult and painful work to release that abused child within and learn that they are strong enough to stand up for themselves and be assertive without being abusive to others. Abusers look for those who are weaker, more vulnerable to prey upon. If those who have been abused learn assertiveness, learn to walk with dignity and purpose and to express themselves with the authority of self assurance, abusers will not be drawn to them. This is another way to end the cycle of abuse.
Finally, some survivors of abuse will stay in abusive situations in adulthood because they feel that it is all that they deserve. They are under the impression that if they were worthy of a better life, then the abuse of their childhood would never have happened. It all boils down to what the individual really wants. There is too much information available today for the average individual to be completely unaware of the alternatives to a life of pain and self destruction. If you are human, you deserve better. But it all comes down to making choices. If you were abused and you are still suffering from the effects of that abuse then this is what I would say to you. It is not meant to hurt, it is meant to make you think. It comes straight from my heart and out of my own personal experience and my own quest for a better life.
What do you want in your life? Do you want pain? Do you want constant abuse? Do you want hopelessness? Do you want constant illness? Do you want to spend your life going from doctor to doctor, hospital ward to hospital ward, prison cell to prison cell? Do you want to spend your life in a fog of drugs, in hopes that one day, a miracle cure will be found for what ails you? Or do you want to live a full life, able to go where you choose, have friends, a family, love and all the things that people dream about?
It all depends on your choices. If you choose to hold on to the past, to hold on to hate or an unforgiving attitude, to constantly review all of your misfortunes and unhappiness, then you will continue to get what you are now getting in your life. If this isn't what you want, then you have a choice. Yes, life did not treat you fairly. You were abused, you were hurt, you were unloved. Still, that is what was, and you can change what is. You can change it by making a decision to release the past, along with all the hate, all the anger and all the self abuse.
No, this is not an easy thing to do. It requires commitment and a willingness to step out of the victim's role and begin to take your own life back. As a victim you will always be at the mercy of those who could hurt you, as well as those who have hurt you in the past. It's okay if you want to do that, but there is another way.
First of all, it is important to realize that all abusers were abused, by those who were also abused and so on down the line. Okay, so maybe that abuse is not self evident, but believe me, for one to become an abuser, they would have to have been abused in some way or another first. So, in light of this fact, who are you going to blame? Adam and Eve? God, maybe? If you continue to blame your present state, your present condition on those who abused you, you will continue to give your life away to your abusers. You will also continue to give away the power to change your life to those who abused you and may even still be abusing you. It is a choice.
If you would like to stop this cycle of abuse, self abuse, powerlessness, hopelessness and misery you must shift your perspective. Okay, that was what happened. It was real, it was painful, it was bad, but you have the power to change how things are today. First, you must make a choice. The first choice is to decide not to live with and interact with those who have or are now abusing you. This is sometimes a difficult choice for many, especially women. Often such women have no skills, no money, and no where else to go. Well, let me tell you there are places to go and you can find them in your phone book under shelters for abused women. You can take your children and leave your abuser and go to one of those shelters and get the help you need to acquire skills, a paying job and a place to live, all while you are being protected from further abuse.
The next step is to find forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself, as well as for your abuser. To be completely honest, your abuser doesn't care whether you forgive them or not. Nor do they care if you hate them, loathe them or harbor ill feelings for them. For the most part, our past abusers, even if we have contact with them, are not effected or "punished" by our hatred. The mere fact that they did what they did should tell you that. The problem is that as long as we harbor hatred, anger and ill feelings, we can not be free of that abuse, for in fact, we are abusing ourselves. There is nothing, not bad air or polluted water or pesticides on our foods that does as much damage to the human body as does hate, anger and ill feelings. These weaken us so that all that other stuff can do even more harm. Hate and anger open us to cancer, asthma, emphysema, and a host of other slow killers, that rob us first of all quality in our lives, and then, finally kill us. It has been proven that dealing with past pain and trauma, finding forgiveness and letting go of the past can generate spontaneous remissions in any of these diseases. This is not a wives tale or a folk remedy. You can find information to this effect by writing to the national cancer society. Our bodies just do not function well as long as we continue to hold on to hate and anger.
Lets get technical for a minute. Hate and anger generate increased levels of adrenaline in the body. These also decrease the levels of "nor adrenaline" which boosts our immune system as well as assists in generating a sense of well being. If you truly want to be well, you will do anything you can to reduce the stresses in your life and learn to let go of hate and anger. It is not just so that you can look at yourself as a "good person", although that helps, but also so that you can heal.
Many hold on to their pain, their illness, their hate and anger because they get something from it. What they generally get is the caring, concern, the nurturing and the sympathy of others. This helps to raise the nor adrenaline levels for a short time, but it is not a long term effect. A lot of the time we seek this caring, concern and sympathy because we did not get it in childhood and so we crave it. I know I did. But like I said, it doesn't last long and soon we must strive to get some more. We do this by recounting our past abuses, and discussing our pain with another. Unfortunately, as we do this we relive the pain, the past abuse and draw all of the hate and anger forward again. Suddenly, we are truly weak and in real need of nurturing and sympathy, and so the nurturing and the sympathy we get doesn't help as much as it used to because all we are managing to do is hold on to the status quo. Over the years, that status quo begins to slip, more and more, injuring our body and our soul. The only way to stop this is to make a commitment, to yourself, to your body, that you will release the pain, the hate and the anger of the past, and then find a way to do that.
One of the ways that I found, to release the past, was to work the steps in a 12 step program. Upon discovering the 12 step programs, I also discovered that I was addicted to my pain and to my illness. I was also addicted to the concern, the nurturing and sympathy of others. I needed these to survive, as much as an alcoholic needs the next drink or the addict needs the next fix. So, the first step for me was to admit that I am powerless over people places and things, that I am powerless over my abusers, that I am powerless over my pain, my hate and my anger. I couldn't make these things go away, I couldn't stop needing the care and the concern of others, I was hooked. On the other hand, I was not totally powerless, for I still had the power of choice. I could still choose how I was going to respond to life and what life brings. Because I still had this power, I chose to go through the 12 steps. Through those 12 steps I found a Higher Power that lifted me up into a new life and a new freedom. I did not find religion, but rather I found spirituality and a power within myself through which to overcome my past.
Each one of the steps is a choice to be made. You have every right to choose to remain in your illness, in your pain, in your hatred and anger. If that is what you choose, God love you. Nevertheless, if you truly desire a new life, a new hope and a new freedom, then you must make certain choices. It is not the easier, softer way. This path is filled with challenges and pain, for you must face yourself honestly. You must be willing to step off that cliff and trust that there is a Power, greater then you, greater then all of your pain that will catch you and lift you up out of your illness, whatever it may be. It is a choice, and the choice is yours.
Kerry Dennis