Dino-Bot turned off his personal log and stared out the window quietly.  Why did he even keep a personal log?!?  Well, Dino-Bot did like to torture Lando.  He should keep a log to laugh over them at night.  What the heck, why not torture Lando now?  Dino-Bot laughed to himself and walked out of his quarters.

    Data hooked himself to the damage control machine to see why it was damaged.  His neural net was processing the data flow sporadically.  He didn't see Lando walk past him.
    Lando looked at Data and asked quietly "Do you know where Dino-Bot is, Mr. Data, sir?"
    Data looked at him. "Last I heard, he was laughing over portraits of you on life support."
    Lando shivered. "I remember that."
    Data continued on the data flow.  He sensed a dangerous virus and passed it carefully.  He would have to detour around it.  He didn't see Dino-Bot come beside him.
    Dino-Bot picked up Data and shook him violently.  "You're hiding him, aren't you?!?"
    Data was so startled, he accidentally crashed into the dangerous virus.  He collapsed on the floor and jittered.
    Dino-Bot looked at Data, then his hands, then Data again.  He looked around and walked away whistling nervously.  He walked straight into Lando, who screamed and fainted.  He looked down at Lando, then up at Worf, who looked at Data and Dino-Bot suspiciously.  Worf ran to Data, picked him up, and took him to Sickbay.

    The holographic doctor looked at Data, then to Worf.  "What happened?"
    Worf looked at Data, then to Dino-Bot. "What happened?"
    Lando awoke out of his spell.  "What happened?"
    Dino-Bot punched him. "This doesn't concern you, worm!" He looked at Worf.  "I don't know, Woof!"
    Worf stared at him.  "Worf!  Not Woof!  Worf is a Klingon name!"
    Dino-Bot looked at him. "Well Woof is a dog's name!"
    Worf eyed him.  "You have never made fun of my name before, why start now???"
    Dino-Bot shrugged at him. "It's a new hobby."
    Kryten joined them. "I scanned his brain and discovered a dangerous virus in there!  We must do something."
    Lando jumped up with an idea, but hit his head and fell on the bed unconscious.  They woke him back up and he said his thought.  "We could get him a new brain." Dino-Bot smacked him across the head.
    Kryten perked up.  "We simulate a program based on the virus in his head and play it out in an AR suite!"
    Starbuck, who just walked in, glared at him.  "Just because it worked for you doesn't mean we can do it for him."
    Dino-Bot interrupted them. "We could shrink down and attack the virus ourselves."
    Worf jumped up.  "Make the virus our size and engage it in honorable combat!" Everybody stared at him.
    "Let's sing it lullabies!" Lando quipped up.
    Dino-Bot screamed at him "That never works, fool!!!"
    Tarantulas ran in.  "Let's hack into his systems and delete the virus!"
    The doctor finally whistled for their attention.  "Look.  You all have outstanding…." Here he groped for words. "….donations, but we do have the option of pushing the 'flush virus out of system' button."
    Everyone stopped arguing for a moment.  Dino-Bot flashed the doctor a look of annoyance, but quickly added, "That was my next suggestion."
    The doctor pushed the button and muttered "I don't know who is more brain dead; Data or everyone else."

    Half an hour later, everyone filed out as Dino-Bot yelled after them "Next week: Vanilla Chamomile Tic-Tac Curry!  Miss it and die!!!"
    Starbuck went up to Cat. "Why do people love this show?"
    Cat looked at him. "That's a stupid question.  Isn't it obvious?"
    "No."
    Cat continued. "You see, with sickness...and food…and funny….you see, big men….death….isn't obvious?"  Cat stuttered and left.
    "Not really." Starbuck replied.

    Dino-Bot watched everyone go and turned to Lando.  "Good show, eh worm?"
    Lando turned to him.  "Do you consider us friends?"
    Dino-Bot seemed startled. "Why of course, buddy.  Why, we're the best of pals, amigo.  We go everywhere, and do everything together!  Nothing could separate us!  Now go outside the airlock and play nice.  I've got things to do."

    Starbuck looked at the communications console in shock.  The TV executive's answer was not to his liking.  He asked again.  "What is so good about 'Dino-Bot's Cuisine of Doom' anyway???"
    The TV executive answered him again.  "The people love him, sir."
    Starbuck sighed.  "Oh well, thank you for your time."  He clicked off the screen.  So, the people love him.  He would change that permanently.  "I always liked sabotage.  I wonder what Dino-Bot's recipe would taste like with Polar Bear DNA……"

    "Welcome to…" Here Lando paused. "Dino-Bot's Cuisine of Doom."
    Dino-Bot looked at him.  "Sound excited!"
    "Welcome to Dino-Bot's Cuisine of Doom!!!!" Lando screamed.
    Dino-Bot stepped onto stage.  "I am Dino, the Dine man of Terror.  You all know my assistant, Lan, the Soon-to-be-Dead Man."
    Lando glanced around.  "Uh, hi."
    Dino-Bot continued.  "Today, as you know, we are making Vanilla Chamomile Tic-Tac Curry.  Then Lando will eat it and say yummy."
    "But…"
    "YOU WILL SAY YUMMY!!!!"
    "You're right!"
 
    Starbuck watched backstage as Dino-Bot mixed the contraption together for half an hour.  It was boring.  He didn't see how everyone liked his jokes.  Then again, Starbuck had almost been killed by Dino-Bot numerous times before.  He watched carefully as Dino-Bot offered it to Lando.

    Dino-Bot glared down at Lando.  "Now eat it!"
    Lando stared at the ooze.  It smelled vaguely of mint.  He was about to slurp it down his throat and say yummy when it moved.  "Dino-Bot….it's moving."
    "Don't be ridiculous!  It's not alive." Dino-Bot caught Starbuck out of the corner of his eye.  He reached down and picked up Starbuck.  "What's in it?!?"
    Starbuck quivered.  "Polar Bear DNA."
    "It's alive?"
    Starbuck nodded.
    Lando had already slurped half of it down his throat.  He looked at Starbuck, then at Dino-Bot, then the curry.  He fainted.
    Dino-Bot picked it up.  "It's my new pet.  Thanks Starbuck!  Well that's our show, thanks for watching!  Next week: Eggplant Sushi Gak Cocktail."

    Lando noticed everyone looking at him and trembled slightly.  He directed everyone's attention to the conference table.  On it lay the giant, lion sized, cougar, obviously ill.  It shuddered with frailty under great stress.
    Lando looked at everyone gravely.  "The cougar is ill.  It must have been all those Borg meals.  The Borg have a new chemical in their body." Here he paused to let the reality of the situation to sink in. "The cougar's body can not handle it.  It is unfortunate, but she can not eat any more Borg."
    Dino-Bot growled softly.  "There goes one of my torture methods….."
    Lando continued.  "She is dying, Dino-Bot."
    Dino-Bot's head jerked up.  "No!  She is my ally!"
    Lando seemed taking aback.  "We can still save her!  The answer lies in a root in the……"
    "Always a root or something!  Why can't cures be in asteroids?  There are plenty of those around!" Dino-Bot interrupted.
    Lando proceeded. "..in the planet of Gallon prime in the Triad sector."
    Dino-Bot intruded again.  "And why, for heaven's sake, can't it be anywhere close by?!?  I'm tired of this!  Next you're going to say I have to go with someone I hate!"
    Lando stuttered at his words. "You are going with the doctor, Scotty and I.  Sorry?"
    Dino-Bot paused a moment.  "At least I don't have to go with Starbuck."

    Scotty looked at the desert terrain and took a deep breath.  A musty, sandy smell filled his nose and he coughed.  "Aye, this be the spot." He did not like day-long shuttle rides, but it wasn't too bad.  At least they didn't have to transport down.  He liked to operate the transporters, not be in them.
    Suddenly, Dino-Bot interrupted his train of thought.  "I see the root.  Stay here!  I will climb the mountain myself.  I don't want Lando getting hurt…yet."  He started to climb up the treacherous mountain.  The others could not see the root, but Dino-Bot had great vision.  "Beast mode." He transformed into a raptor for better traction.
    Two hours later, with still no sign of Dino-Bot, the doctpr turned to them.  "How are you feeling?  Any signs of Hyperthermia?"
    Lando looked at him.  "You only get Hypothermia if you're really cold though."
    The doctor looked at him.  "I said Hyperthermia.  Also called Heat stroke.  There is a difference."
    Lando glanced in his direction.  "I'm fine…." He proceeded to faint.
    The doctor gave him a special serum and put him behind a rock a couple of meters away.  "To keep him in the shade." he said to Scotty's confused expression.
    Scotty was about to reply when they heard a hissing noise.  Scotty turned around and was knocked out cold by the Gorn.  It looked at the doctor.
    At least it can't destroy me!  the doctor thought. But that doesn't mean I won't feel the pain!!!   He ducked the next few blows, but got caught in the stomach and grunted.  The Gorn picked him up and tried to rip off his head.  But it only stretched his neck, causing the doctor to scream.  He tried again, but he only succeeded in stretching the doctor's neck longer and longer and longer, until it became the length of his own arm.  The Gorn threw him to the ground and smashed in his head, making it flatter than a flapjack.  The doctor looked up in time to see his legs growing larger and larger…
 
    Lando awoke with a start.  A lizard man was stretching the doctor!  He had to do something!  No, no, he couldn't.  Suddenly Dino-Bot's voice came through his head saying Yes you will!!!  He found himself jump at the voice.  Oh well!  He pulled out his laser gun, despite his slippery, shaking hands.  He turned the setting to knockout and took aim.  His hands slipped just as he pulled the trigger.

    Dino-Bot, roots in hand, saw the doctor in torture and Lando shoot himself.
    Fool.  he thought to himself.  He threw the roots in the shuttle, transformed, and attacked the Gorn.  The Gorn looked at him in sheer terror as Dino-Bot attacked.  The doctor was in pain, Lando shot himself, Scotty's head was bleeding, and Dino-Bot got to fight an opponent.  Today wasn't such a waste after all.

    "No!"
    "Please?!?"
    "NO!!!"
    "Please?????" Tarantulas whined.  He had tried to squeeze a favor out of Dino-Bot for almost an hour.
    "NOOOO!!!!!!!!" Dino-Bot yelled.
    Tarantulas wheeled on his feet.  "I'll do anything you want!"
    Dino-Bot brightened. "Anything???"
    "Apart from suicide."
    "Oh, nuts.  How about bumping off Starbuck?"
    "Dino-Bot!  Be realistic!  I can't do that!  Well, not yet at least." Tarantulas mumbled.
    Dino-Bot thought for a moment. "You're right.  I'd probably be blamed." He suddenly beamed.  "I've got an idea…"

    Clarice Van Studabaker, a.k.a. Tarantulas' senile mom, looked carefully at Dino-Bot.  "You sure he killed his dad?"
    Dino-Bot mumbled under his breath, then corrected her.  "No.  He killed himself, not his dad."
    "Oh, so his dad's all right?"
    "I don't know!!!  All I know is he never told me how senile you are!  I mean, all I know is he is dead." Dino-Bot grunted angrily.
    "Can you show me around the ship, Black Arachnia?" Clarice asked.
    Dino-Bot gritted his teeth.

    Tarantulas looked at Dino-Bot while laughing. "You did what?"
    "Didn't you here me?!?  I threw her in a garbage pod and ejected it onto the Planet of the Apes…….Hey!  That means we're still flying around in circles!"
    Tarantulas laughed nervously. "What do you want me to do???"
    "Go to the Holo-deck and engage program 'Dino-Bot Beta-1." Dino-Bot smiled brusquely. "Enjoy."

    Tarantulas stepped inside the Holo-deck simulation and looked at his holographic clothes.  A three-piece suit with a trench coat over it, a shoulder holster for a gun, and a fedora.  He looked at his surroundings.  An office with a desk full of decorations and odds & ends, a door that said 'Tarantulas: Private Eye', a couch, and another fedora on a coat rack.
    Dino-Bot designed this?  Tarantulas thought. I must be in for the worst time of my life!  He sat down in his desk and leaned back.
    Suddenly, a woman walked in with a slightly parted dress and some bongo drum music following her.  Humans might consider her attractive.  He preferred women who thought rat guts were attractive, and that was probably not her.
He motioned her in the seat opposite his desk.  "What's the problem, miss….?"
    "Yoying.  Ann Yoying.  Is this your wife?" she asked, seating herself, stopping the music, and pointing to a picture of Black Arachnia.
    Tarantulas threw the picture out the window, but it mysteriously jumped back on his desk.  I'll get you for this, Dino-Bot!!!  he thought.  He directed his attention back on the woman.  "No, she's my…..dog."
    "Dog?"
    "Yes, I performed surgery.  Dog's brain in android's body thing, you know."
    "I see."
    "So, what's the problem?" Tarantulas leaned closer.
    She got up, walked around with the music, and looked at him. "I need you to find something." She walked around some more.
    Tarantulas jumped up. "Will you stop that infernal music!!!"
    She sat down quickly. "Can you get the statue of 'Ach-na-nach-ha-hach'."
    "Ach-ach-yak-yak-cack-cack?"
    "No, 'Ach…"
    "Never mind.  Who has it?"
    She leaned to whisper in his ear. "Death-Bot the gangster."

    Tarantulas was brought before Death-Bot.  He had tried to play detective by going into a restaurant and asking questions, but he couldn't do it!  He caused barroom brawls and now he was brought before the gangster.
    Death-Bot, who mysteriously looks like Dino-Bot, peered at him from beneath a fedora. "Well, well, well.  Hello Tarantulas.  What do you want?"
    "You know what I want.  Now give it to me!"
    "Never!  Kill him."  Thugs appeared.  One looked like a pumped up Lando, and the other looked like Mega-Tron.  They attacked him and he was no match, finding out the hard way that Dino-Bot made the opponents indestructible.  He was soon full of lead bullets and knives.  He was not dead though.
    Death-Bot looked at the injured Tarantulas.  "Fools!  You didn't kill him!" He fired eye lasers and destroyed both of the thugs.  He looked back at Tarantulas.  "Now I will kill you.  You will never get the 'Jade Frog of Oogie'!"
    Tarantulas stopped dead in his tracks. "'The Jade Frog of Oogie'???"
    Death-Bot seemed confused. "Yeah!  That's what you came for, isn't it?"
    Tarantulas smacked his head. "No, I want the 'Ach-na-nach-ha-hach'."
    "The 'Pach-Mach-Jach-Bach'?"
    "You mean you don't have it?!?"
    "No.  What is it?"

    Tarantulas, badly in need of repair, stumbled in his office towards the woman.  "He didn't have it!!!!!" He managed to see her slip something from his desk to her purse. "What are you doing?"
    She pulled out a gun and a statue out from her purse. "The statue was on your desk all along.  I had to make you go on a wild goose chase to get it.  But you got back early." She shot him five times.  When she saw he wasn't dead, she called three more thugs…..

    Tarantulas crawled out of the simulation.  He had won, but it took a lot of effort.  Okay, the woman accidentally knocked over the picture of Black Arachnia, which came flying back up, knocking her out, and the statue fell in his hands.  The simulation had ended then.
    Dino-Bot stepped up to him. "Have fun?  Oh by the way, we have a new passenger."
    Tarantulas looked up at Black Arachnia, then surrendered to the darkness.  He was dead.

 Okay, that was confusing.  But what isn't these days?  Okay, next time we will have a special you won't want to miss: "Before Mixed-Up Space!"