RULES FOR THE CHINESE CHILD

 A little set of rules for ya. Observed by most Asian children. You'll find it funny if you've ever been one. That's right. If you ever were an Asian child.

Disclaimer: All the incidences are true and have happened to Sandy and her friends, and they can all relate them in great detail. If you feel that you are easily offended, we do not recommend that you read this.

Rule # 1 --- You are never, ever, ever, EVER right. Even when you suck up to your parents.

               “Hi mom, how was your day?”

               “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!? I GIVE, AND GIVE AND GIVE! DO I EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN? NO! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO BE A GOOD STUDENT AND TO BE (just like me)”

               (In your mind: Geez, if I were just like you, you’d yell at me even more!)

               “WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING?! AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR RESPONSE?!”

               “I AM getting good grades. See? A’s in all my classes.”

               “DON’T TALK BACK TO ME, YOU RETARDED SLACKER!!!! YOU NEVER WORK HARD ENOUGH! THE SCHOOL DOESN’T CHALLENGE YOU ENOUGH! YOU SHOULD MAKE IT CHALLENGING! (translation: even though this is not your fault, I will make it your fault)”

 Rule # 2 --- Parents are god, you will worship no other

 Rule # 3 --- Parents do not have “souls.” Parents do not have “hearts” or anything related to the fabled “conscience” though YOU should have one because you are so selfish for leaving a stray pencil on the dinner table. Do not be naïve, child, do not appeal to the heart that is not there.

 Rule # 4 --- NOTHING is ever good enough.

               “Here’s your birthday present which I worked on for seven months in advance which I have painstakingly completed today. It contains my very heart and soul. I hope you will cherish it as much as I have cherished *gulp* you.”

               “A GOOD STUDENT,” (at this point I must point out that we are not kids, children, daughters or sons, but students) “WOULD HAVE COMPLETED THIS IN 30 MINUTES! YOU ARE SO INEFFICIENT! WHAT ARE YOU? SOME SORT OF IDIOT?!!! WHAT IS THIS ANYWAY??? I DON’T’ WANT THIS! THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE! Oh yeah, thank you. NOW THROW IT AWAY!”

               “But…” (in your mind: I SAID I poured my HEART and SOUL into this)

               “ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME AGAIN?!”

               “no.”

               “SEE?! THERE YOU GO AGAIN! GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!! WAIT, THERE’S A PHONE IN YOUR ROOM. GO LOCK YOURSELF IN THE GARAGE!!!!”

               “okay.”

               “THERE YOU GO AGAIN! DON’T TALK BACK TO ME YOU RETARDED SCUM!!!!”

 Rule # 5 --- You are always to be happy (because you’re not supposed to have any worries), but if you’re always happy, you’re not working hard enough. 

Rule # 6 ---…therefore, you’re supposed to be happy and unhappy at the same time all the time, and you don’t work hard enough. EVER. 

Rule # 7 --- Anyone under the age of 18 is a slacker who is extremely stupid. Anyone over the age of 18 is a slacker who is extremely stupid and has no idea whatsoever where their life is going and most likely, they will become  a bum. 

Rule # 8 --- You will become (or be considered) a bum no matter what happens. Even if you win the lottery and pull a Megabucks slot and marry a prominent (whomever) who is kind and loving and caters to your every need.

 Rule # 9 ---… and if you DO (win money and marry well), you have never suffered enough.

Rule # 10 --- … and if you HAVE (suffered enough), HA! They told you you’d be a bum!

 Rule # 11 --- Use the less fortunate to laugh at and to scare your children with by telling them they’ll end up just like them.

 Rule # 12 --- Use the more fortunate to compare your children to so they will never be good enough.

 Rule # 13 --- We children – excuse me, “students” are nothing but (lazy, good for nothing, slacker) work horses and show horses to breed and parade around. Other than that we are punching bags and stress relievers.

INTERLUDE: MY FRIEND LUCY’S ADDED RULES.

“Why is it that… whether or not it’s somebody’s business, your parents must disclose your weight whether or not you wish [and I add: or whether or not THEY wish] to know how much fatter you’ve gotten, your parents must tell all!

 -For everything you do, you never put enough effort into it.

 -Effort can never be a measure of how well you’ve done.

 -Success is only measured in the grade that you get. [I add: or your income]

 -Every conversation you ever have with your parents, they tell you that you’re not doing good enough.

 -You never work as hard as they did.

 -You don’t understand what hard times are.

 -You never have any stress whatsoever [ESPECIALLY not from your parents]

 -Any attempt at justification for what has happened or is happening is considered talking back. 

-When you turn 13, you automatically develop an “attitude problem.”

 -All of your friends are bad influences.

 -You don’t associate with enough “good, wholesome” people. 

-Between the ages of 10 and 12, if you disagree with your parents, you’re automatically labeled a pre-teen and given [more like force-fed] an “attitude.”

 -Your parents always label you.

 -Whenever someone calls you, you’ve already been on the phone too long.

 -Whenever asked a question you don’t respond to, it’s considered an attitude, yet when you respond, it’s called talking back.

 -Whenever you try to share your feelings or relate to your parents, they brush you aside.

 -Whenever you brush your parents aside, they tell you that you’re not bonding with them and “that’s important.”

 [Sandy’s added true story:

               “WHY DON’T YOU EVER COME DOWN TO EAT ANYMORE?! ARE WE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT WITH?! WE DON’T GET A CHANCE TO TALK TO YOU EVER ANYMORE?!? YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT US!!!!”

               Sandy comes down to eat. “Hey mom guess wha-“

               “SHUT UP AND EAT! YOU DIDN”T COME DOWN HERE TO TALK!!!!”]

 -When your life is going pretty good, your parents will tell you that they think you need to work much harder.

 -When your life is about to come to blows, you never hear a word from your parents.

 -Public displays of affection are given unwarranted and unwanted but when you do want it, it never happens.

 -If you don’t do so well, you automatically will wind up the bum on the street. [this means no B’s.]

 -Your parents will complain about discrimination or racism, yet will be racist themselves towards another minority. [or all of the other minorities. What, my parents? Hypocritical? NEVER!]

 -Anyone not of the [same] race is not good enough for you.

 -Every other minority is on welfare in your parents eyes.” 

BACK TO THE LIST

Rule # 14 --- grovel and all will be well.

 Rule # 15 --- If you try to tell them personal things, they tell you that they “own” you and that they’re not there to be your “friend.” When you tell them that someone is your best friend, they’re immediately hurt and get defensive, accusing you of valuing your friends (who according to them don’t really like you and are just out to get you) over your family and that your FAMILY should be your best friend.

 Rule # 16 --- It is perfectly allowed for them to crush your dreams, beat your spirit into a bloody pulp, and leave you sobbing violently on the floor and then either laugh at you, or go somewhere else and laugh at you from there. 

Rule # 17 --- “SANTA?!?!? What’s all this SANTA crap!? Who cares if he’s real or not!??! SANTA can’t help you with your MATH. GO STUDY!!!!” 

Rule # 18 --- To everyone else (said while you’re not around) you’re the prettiest/handsomest, most intelligent, most sensitive, kindest, most diligent, most patient, and generally best kid around and everyone else’s parents should be jealous and start finding suitable dates for you. When talking about you to your face, however, you’re the most childish, idiotic, rude, bad-tempered, fat (yes, I’ve been called fat), one-dimensional, over-dramatic, mean ungrateful and evil (yes, I’ve also been called “evil” as well as “pure evil”) child on the face of the planet and no body wants you.

 Rule # 19 --- “WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE MICHELLE KWAN OR MICHAEL CHANG?! THEY BOTH GET GOOD GRADES AND THEY HAVE A CAREER! DO YOU HAVE A CAREER YET!?!?? WHY NOT!?!?!?”

 Rule # 20 --- You need to play a musical instrument. And by musical instrument, I mean the violin, piano, or cello or any combination of those three. No guitars. No drums. NO maracas. Stop trying to sing. You must play it/them well, and practice as much as the most musically talented person that your asian community thing knows. (a good example would be “King of the Hill’s” character, Connie. “I love you daddy.” “WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?! GO PRACTICE!!!!”)

 Rule # 21 --- You’re never properly in touch with your heritage. You don’t know what it was like. You don’t know how hard it was. You don’t know the old school stress.

 Rule # 22 --- Your parents have a “stupid” quota. They need to meet the daily or monthly requirement of stupidity and they are free to go over the quota but never under.

 Rule # 23 --- When you turn on your computer to do some necessary word processing, you have automatically been online “chatting” with your friends for an hour.

 Rule # 24 --- Your parents can’t truly pronounce any English word correctly, not even your “English” name, but if one of your friends can’t pronounce “Dim Sum” right the first time, they’re a culturally unaware hillbilly.

 Rule # 25 --- You can never, ever win.

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