Beauty and the Not-So-Very-Good-Looking-Being-of-Fur-and-Claws

Beauty and the Not-So-Very-Good-Looking Being of Fur and Claws

The Treejumper's Politically Correct Modified Version

Once upon a time, there was a wealthy merchant. One day, leaving to trade his wares across the seas, he asked his daughters if there was anything he could get them. Not that they were incapable of getting things themselves, it was just convenient. One said she wanted a crystal mirror, the second asked for a golden crown, but the youngest, Beauty, asked for only a GI Joe action figure because she was not a dainty maiden who liked roses and swooned stereotypically.

The merchant sailed to foreign lands. He sold his wares and bought the mirror and the crown. But nowhere could he find a GI Joe action figure, so he had to return home without one. When he was nearly home, his ship was wrecked on a territory he was not familiar of. It was covered by a dense, dark forest, and the merchant had to push his way through the trees. After walking all day long, he came to a splendid palace, and in the gardens, growing upon a grassy mound, he saw a GI Joe action figure, complete with accessories and still in it’s package. It’s new life-like battle action sounds filled the air with machine gun sounds and witty sayings. Thinking of Beauty, the merchant ran at once to get the GI Joe action figure.

At that moment, appeared before him a not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws. Because of a sore throat from a recent yodeling contest, it roared in a savage voice, "How dare you steal my GI Joe action figure?! I shall force you to watch Barney all day until your brains explode from hearing corny songs!" The poor merchant fell to his knees, crying that the GI Joe action figure was for his youngest, fairest daughter, not for himself.

"I will spare you," said the not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws, "If within three days your daughter comes here in your stead. But she must come here of her own free will." With that, he gave the merchant a gold ring and the unlucky man found himself transported home, still holding the GI Joe action figure complete with accessories and life-like battle action sounds. There, amidst his family, he related his adventure.

Without a second thought, Beauty agreed to save her father and go to the not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws’ far-off palace. She was a charitable soul; she had often served food at the living-quarters impaired shelter in their community. As her father bowed his head in grief, she put on the ring, and vanished with her GI Joe action figure.

In no time at all, she was within the palace gardens, standing before the grassy mound. The GI Joe action figure flew from her hands and settled in its former bed, saying more witty stuff than before. "HEY! GIVE THAT BACK!!!!" Beauty said, and ripped it from the grassy mound. It flew back to the mound again. This continued for a few seconds, and after awhile, the grassy mound gave up. She left with a smug smile on her face, and did little karate-chop actions with the figure.

As she entered the palace, sweet music played on observably impaired strings, and food was served from observably impaired hands as well. Words of fire appeared upon the marble wall:

Welcome, Beauty, have no fear,

You are queen and mistress here.

Beauty ate the food but found no one to thank. She made her way to a fine chamber and complained about the bed. "SWANSDOWN? That stuff gives me hives! And what about the poor dead swans? And if they’re not dead, they’re naked! Pay a little respect to swans, will you?" She finally slept on the rug on the floor.

Thus it was that Beauty came to live in the enchanted palace. Each day silk robes were laid out before her. Each day she rode through the forest on a golden carriage. It was so heavy, that it collapsed on her. Even though it was re-casted, she didn’t ride in it anymore. She read, and played music and embroidered as the fancy took her. After a while, she remembered she didn’t like embroidery. So she spent her time playing with her GI Joe action figure and the Nintendo 64 in her room instead.

Time passed, and as she became used to her new life Beauty slowly lost her fear. Daily she grew fonder of the not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws although she never met him. He made her life as happy as he could, and soon she longed to hear his voice and talk with him. So, one evening, she spoke aloud and begged the beast to talk to her. But he would not answer, afraid that his still hoarse voice would frighten her. Finally, unable to resist her pleas any longer, he made a message appear on the marble wall:

In the gardens at midday,

Beauty, you must say,

Talk to me, my humble slave.

Then the not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws thought the slave part was a smidgen too much and erased it. After, he put:

In the gardens at midday,

Beauty, you must say,

Talk to me, Bob.

Beauty could not conceal her joy. Long before it was midday, she was seated in the gardens, repeating the words she had read.

As the sun rose over head, there at last came a piteous sigh from a nearby bush. Then a hoarse, snarling voice made her shake head to toe. But she mastered her fear and said, "You went to that yodeling contest too, huh?" As she listened to the not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws’ words, so wise and kind, her heart grew lighter. From then on, they talked throughout the day and Beauty had no fear of his voice. She then longed to see him and begged him not to hide from her anymore. For a long time, he refused, afraid that his large claws would scare her and make her hate him. One day, however, he gave in.

"I will grant your wish," he said, "though I know it will destroy us both. Come to the gardens at dusk and say, ‘Show yourself to me, dear Bob’"

Unafraid, Beauty went to the gardens at dusk as the sun was sinking low, and called softly, "Show yourself to me, dear Bob."

Bob appeared, quickly crossing the path at the end of the gardens. When Beauty saw him, she let out a cry of horror and fainted upon the spot. When she awoke, she heard the not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws sobbing as if his heart would break. She asked him why, and he told her that it was because she fainted of horror when she saw him.

"I did nothing of the sort. I fainted out of horror because I lost the GI Joe’s little green grenade, and I shall never find it now." Beauty said, "And besides, you can’t judge a book by its cover."

"Huh?" Bob did not understand.

"Um... True beauty lies within, not in one’s looks." She explained.

After that, they walked and talked together. They wandered through the gardens and drove in the dark forest in a horseless carriage. Once, the Beast asked Beauty to marry him, and she wasn’t brave enough for that. Not that females aren’t brave of course.

One night, Beauty dreamed that her father was lying ill. When she told Bob the next morning, he said at once, "Go home, my dear. But please heed my words. If you do not return in a week I shall die of a broken heart."

He was about to put the gold ring on her finger when suddenly she burst out, "What do you mean, ‘heed my words’ I’m not an object or a servant, I don’t BELONG to you, heed my words, heed my foot before it connects on your behind! Chauvinist pig!" With that, she punched him, put him in his own dungeon, built a boat, and sailed home with the GI Joe action figure and the Nintendo 64. When she got home, she told her tale of adventure and her father regained his health. Her sisters comforted her, but it didn’t work much. She ate a gallon of ice cream and got married to a banker named Nathaniel, and adopted a kid whom they named James. As for the Beast, he got out of the dungeon, got over Beauty, and started a rabbit farm. The rabbits soon took over the palace and the not-so-very-good-looking being of fur and claws was their carrot juice maker.

The End