I got this through an email a while back. It's really hilarious. The italics are comments from one of my friends, and the caps are comments from me.
This is single-handedly going to be either the most true and hilarious thing you've ever read, or is single-handedly going to be the most offensive thing you've ever read. And if you're not Asian, it's still super-fun to read.
You Know You're Asian If...
1. You carry a pager in your right pocket, flipped inward, whether its activated or not. And there's always some annoying tune on it that plays over and over and over...
2. Your bangs are either long enough for you to touch with your tongue, or your hair is gelled up in spikes hard enough to impale small mammals. ow ow ow
3. You're so caught up in name brand stuff, your pocket lint is labeled Calvin Klein. OR YOU'RE SO OUT OF THE WHOLE FASHION LOOP, YOUR GRAND PARENTS FEEL BAD FOR YOU AND BUY YOU ASIAN STUFF THAT SAYS, "CALBIN KLEEN."
4. Your vocabulary consists of "pimp, mack, wack" and as much as you can remember from the Ebonics dictionary. HMMM OR MAYBE NOT.
5. You go to Asian parties, and you can't find your car since it looks like every other Civic or Integra. ON THE EAST COAST. ON THE WEST COAST, IT'S SAAB AND MERCEDES, AND IN THE MIDWEST, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CAMRYS. YAY FOR TOYOTA BECAUSE ASIANS ARE "EVERYDAY PEOPLE"
6. Your screen name consists of Asian, and every word in the profile is written in alternating lower case/capital letters. OR NOT.
7. You can never address a friend without calling them "foo." OR "DUDE" IF YOU'RE ME.
8. You use the letter "z" in every other word when chatting.
9. Your girlfriend has enough make-up to be accepted into Clown College. AND YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS PANTS LOW (AND BIG) ENOUGH TO GET ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE OR SWEEP THE ENTIRE SIDEWALK. OR BOTH.
10. You never fit that old Asian stereotype of "all yellow Skinned slant eyes are smart." (Sandy's personal remark: I think I look kind of green, actually.)
11. You enter chat rooms with "representin Westsiiiiiiide," or "any foin ladees in da house?" OR IF YOU'RE ONE OF those KIDS, YOU never ENTER CHAT ROOMS.
12. You pick up chicks who wear shoes 2 inches away from stilts. OR THE GUYS WHO HIT ON YOU HAVE BUZZED HAIR EVERYWHERE EXCEPT IN THE FRONT, WHICH MAKES THEM QUALIFY AS HAVING ANTENNAE AND BEING COCKROACHES.
13. You call people "peepz" since two syllables is too complex for you. (WHICH IS JUST SO TOTALLY WRONG)
14. You don't know the names of cities; only area codes. OR IN MN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HECK THE AREA CODES ARE AND YOU KNOW WHAT # TO DIAL BECAUSE OF WHAT SCHOOL THEY GO TO.
15. Instead of getting real education, you learn a plethora of nonsensical pager codes (for god's sakes, buy a message pager ... if you even need one). OR, YOUR PARENTS THINK THAT IF SOMEONE CALLS YOUR HOUSE WITH A WRONG NUMBER, IT'S A CODE SAYING "CALL FRIEND, DO DRUGS, DRINK, ROB LIQUOR STORE, EAT BABIES."
16. You've never heard of any other sporting wear then Nike (Reebok? What's that?). HEE HEE HEE "REEBOK" IT SOUNDS SO FOREIGN. *note the sarcasm*
17. You can't buy a shirt unless it's priced over $ 50 and has a colossal sized Tommy Hilfiger, or Polo label. OR YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE WARDROBE COSTS ABOUT $50 BECAUSE IT'S ALL FROM ASIA.
18. You're not a basketball player; you're a baller ... AND YOU'RE NOT A STUDENT UNLESS YOU'RE IN IB. (Sandy's extra note: to see more on IB, go to my links page and click on the first link)
19. You've never bought a pair of pants that were less than 5 sizes bigger than your real waist. OR SMALLER FOR THE GIRLS.
20. You're an exact carbon-copy of your friends.
21. You claim Asian pride wherever you go, when all you're doing is shaming the race.
22. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. ALWAYS. ALLLLWAYS!!!!
23. Your dad is some sort of engineer. OR SOME GUY WHO DOES COMPUTER STUFF. AND HE PARTS HIS HAIR FUNNY.
24. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were twelve when you were really fifteen. NO, NO, I MUST DIGRESS. 18!!! 18 THEY'RE STILL TRYING TO PASS YOU OFF, WHEN YOU'RE TALLER THEN ALL OF THEM THEY'RE STILL GOING "TWO ADULTS, ONE KID."
25. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing. ABOUT WHAT A BAD KID YOU ARE. cuz all problems start from you and math problems
26. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. AND YOU HAVE MULTIPLE BAGS. OH GAWD IT'S LIKE A DISEASE. "MULTIPLE BAGS OR RICE DISEASE."
27. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from. ("INDONESIA." "CHINA?" "NO. INDONESIA." "CHINA?" "I-N-D-O-N-E-S-I-A. INDONESIA." "INDO... INDO..... CHINA?" "*SIGH* YES. CHINA.")
28. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. EVEN THE GIRLS!
29. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. ONLY IF THEY'RE MUCH BETTER.
30. You've had to sit through Karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library. been scarred for life
31. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage." AND THEN TWO SECONDS LATER THEY SAY, "YOU ARE NOT MY CHILD! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THIS HERITAGE!!!"
32. You drive mostly Japanese cars. PSH. EVERYTHING ASIAN IS BETTER.
33. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are already rock bottom.
34. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
35. At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say ... "
36. You know what bok choy is.
37. You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
38. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors. ESPECIALLY DURING POTLUCK DINNERS.
39. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!). OH GAWD IT'S TRUE! AND IT'S EVEN EASIER IF YOUR NAME ENDS IN AN "EEE" SOUNDING LETTER!
40. You have NO eyelashes. THAT'S ME. FREAK OF NATURE. NO EYELASHES! WHERE DID THEY GOOOOO?
41. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chang CHOOOONG,WOO bok chiiii, etc.... HA HA HA… THE IDIOT PEOPLE, THEY'RE SO STUPID.
42. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin. ONE GRAIN. YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.
43. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopus) was last night's dinner.
44. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher. OR THEY WERE AN EMPEROR OF SOME SORT. AND THEY ALLLLLL PLANTED RICE.
45. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.
46. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "What?! In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more!" AND THEN YELL AT YOU FOR BEING UP SO LATE. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOUR BOOKS ARE SOME SORT OF ALCOHOL OR DRUG TRANSPORTING DEVICE. AND IF YOU'RE UP PAST 10, YOU'LL GO TO HELL. EVEN THOUGH THAT IS NOT PART OF YOUR RELIGION (SEE LAST #).
47. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian. AND THEN ASK YOU WHY YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH SUCH BAD KIDS.
48. Some random Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
49. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
50. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 7th grade!!" I BELIEVE THE CORRECT UNIVERSAL QUOTE WOULD BE, "CALCULUS? WHAT'S CALCULUS? MATH? I'M BETTER THAN YOU AT MATH. I TOOK EVERY EXISTING MATH COURSE THERE IS KNOWN TO MAN IN THE SECOND GRADE. AND THEN I DID IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. UP HILL IN THE SNOW BOTH WAYS WITHOUT SHOES OR TV OR WATER! I INVENTED WATER!"
51. Everyone thinks you're good at math.
52. Everyone thinks you're good at science.
53. You're good at both (the hell with humility). or not, it's more like you're not good at anything and your parents refuse to believe it or they think you're dumb and try to get to into Harvard so that they can brag about it to their friends...wait what friends... my parents don’t have friends…
54. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's." AND "AAA" AND YELLING. LOTS OF YELLING.
55. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense (SANDY'S EXAMPLES: "LOVELY CUP OF WAR" "LOVE TURTLE DRINK TEA" "SOCK LOVE PICNIC LOVE ARTHRITIS LOVE" "LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE"), in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.
56. Your parents insist you marry within your race. OR SEND YOU TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE THE PEOPLE ARE MORE "TOLERANT." THE FACT THAT HALF THE POPULATION IS ASIAN HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. TOLERANCE. TOLER- GO TO CALIFORNIA!!!!
57. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food. EWWWWW
58. You either really, really want to go to "Ha-Vah" or really, really want to stay away from it. "HA-VAH" LOL OH THAT'S GREAT. MY FAVORITE IS "SNAKE" WHICH IS REALLY "SNACK" UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SNAKES THEN THEY'RE SNACKS. "AAA! OMIGOD IT'S A SNACK!!!!" "HURRY UP AND FINISH YOUR SNAKE."
59. Your parents have never kissed you. AND NEITHER HAS ANYONE ELSE UNTIL YOU'RE 18.
60. Your parents have never kissed each other.
61. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents. OR A MOVIE.
62. "You want a stereo!?! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!" "I INVENTED SHOES! WE ALL HAD TO INVENT SHOES WHEN WE WERE YOUR AGE! IT WAS A RACE! WE WERE SO MUCH MORE COMPETITIVE!"
63. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate. OR THEY SEE JAPANESE AND ASK VIETNAMESE PEOPLE TO TRANSLATE OR THEY SEE VIETNAMESE AND ASK JAPANESE PEOPLE TO TRANSLATE. OR THEY SEE GUM ON THE SIDEWALK AND ASK CHINESE PEOPLE TO EXPLAIN, BUT THE CHINESE PEOPLE RUN AWAY BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THE GUM IS A GANG SIGN.
64. You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle." and then you get one person outta nowhere that you have to call something different and it throws you all off, and you get blamed for disrespect
65. You have 12+ aunts and uncles.
66. At expensive restaurants you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert. EMPHASIS ON DELICIOUS.
67. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say, "Eat it anyway. It's still good." BUT IF YOU GO EAT SOME PERFECTLY FINE PIZZA, THEY SWIPE IT, THROUGH IT AWAY, AND TELL YOU TO GO EAT SOMETHING THAT'S HEALTHY. LIKE THAT GREEN/BLACK STUFF THEY JUST CUT OFF.
68. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
69. You will most likely be taller than your parents.
70. Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both. ANY OTHER FORM OF MUSICAL INSTRUMENT MEANS YOU ARE A DEMONIC HEATHEN. (EX: VOICE, THE GUITAR *SPECIAL INSTRUMENT OF THE DEVIL*, THE DRUMS...)
71. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't. THAT'S JUST A BUNCH OF... IB PEOPLE.
72. When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift. BUT A CRAPPY ONE THAT LOOKS GOOD, SO THEY'LL HAVE TO RETURN THE FAVOR WITH A NICE ONE, AND IF THEY BRING A CRAPPY ONE THAT LOOKS GOOD, YOU NEVER ASSOCIATE WITH EACH OTHER AGAIN.
73. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top. OR HE DOES THE NO SOCKS LOOK. BLEHHH
74. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both. AND BICYCLES. MUST HAVE BICYCLES.
75. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael Chang). MICHELLE KWAN IS GOD. MY MOM SAID SO. FORGET SCOTT HAMILTON AND HIS BATTLE WITH CANCER AND AMAZING COMEBACK, MICHELLE KWAN!!! AND SHE'S SO SMART, TOO. AND PRETTY. WHY CAN'T YOU BE THAT SMART AND PRETTY. WHY DON'T YOU SMILE LIKE THAT.
76. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
77. You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine. CORRECTION. YOUR MOM DOES. EVERYONE ELSE USES DIMETAPP. YOUR MOM USES SEAHORSES. I'M SO NOT KIDDING. ASK ME. JUST ASK ME. I'LL TAKE YOU TO SEE THE DRIED SEAHORSES.
78. You own a rice cooker or two. THEY ALL HAVE LITTLE FLOWERS AND THE WORD "LOVE" ON IT SOMEWHERE.
79. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
80. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
81. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going. OF COURSE THEY APPRECIATED IT. THEY INVENTED SCHOOL. THERE WAS A COMPETITION TO SEE WHO COULD BUILD THE BEST SCHOOL WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. AND THEN THERE WAS A MATH TEST. AND THEN AN ALLIGATOR-WRESTLING MATCH. AND THEN SOME MORE MATH. of course, you've never experienced any inconvenience cuz you live in America and American schools are so easy and they never give you any stress, never!
82. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it and wear it for years to come." NOTHING IS TOO BIG.
83.) YOUR PARENTS WILL USE ALL SORTS OF RELIGION TO THREATEN YOU WITH EVEN THOUGH YOURS IS THE ONE TRUE RELIGION. "GOD'S GONNA SEND YOU TO HELL!!!! HEAR THAT?!?! GOD! HELL!!!! Pray to the Buddha and your ancestors."
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