The Star
By Jessica Ferroni

Dedicated to.......Kirsten and Eggy!!!!!! And to all the 
Parisites, long may we remain. :)


Disclaimer: PARAMOUNT.

* * * * *

Tom gently rocked Emma in his arms, humming to her softly a
melody that made B'Elanna, standing just outside the bedroom 
doorframe, wrap her arms tighter around herself and sigh. 
So sad, so terribly sad, the pain-filled tune that visited his
darkest nights.  B'Elanna sighed softly and turned away to enter 
their sons' room.  The two-and-a-half year-old twins, Robert and 
Harry, were silent until Robert, the more serious of the two, 
ventured to remark quietly,
     "Daddy's sad tonight, isn't he, Mommy?"
     B'Elanna rubbed his head gently, feeling the faint ridges
under the dark hair.  "Yes, Robbie."
     "Why?" Harry questioned, dark eyes creased in a frown.
     B'Elanna shifted uncomfortably.  She couldn't lie to her 
children, but she couldn't tell them the truth, either, not yet.
"Because of something that happened a very long time ago, Harry."
     "But if it was so long ago, why does it still make Daddy
sad?" Robert asked.
     B'Elanna bit her lip.  "I'm not sure, honey."  
     "Mommy?"
     "Yes, Harry?"
     Harry's small face was still frowning.  "I don't like it
when Daddy's sad."
      B'Elanna's lips met in a sad smile.  "Neither do I, 
Sweetheart."  She stilled further comment by raising her hand.  
"Not another word tonight, my young men.  It's time to sleep now.  
Daddy'll be happy again in the morning."  She bent down and kissed 
their lightly ridged foreheads gently.  "Good night."
     "Good night," the twins chorused, and Harry added, "I love 
you, Mommy," which prompted Robert to add his assurances of love
also.  B'Elanna allowed a full-fledged smile as she ordered 
the lights out, and, blowing the boys a last kiss, returned to
her's and Tom's room.  Emma slept peacefully in her cradle, but Tom
had gone.  B'Elanna dropped a kiss on Emma's soft cheek and
checked the living room.
     "Where's Daddy?" she questioned Katie.  The five year-old 
looked up from the mass of papers and crayons -- being oldest did 
have it priviledges, such as staying up later than the twins and 
little Emma.
     "He left a message on the table for you," she replied,
then held up a picture for B'Elanna's scrutiny.  "What do you
think, Mommy?"
     B'Elanna eyed it carefully, unsure of what it was, but 
wary.  Katie was extremely sensitive about her artwork, a 
tendency she's probably picked up from Tom.  It had been a long
time after they'd been married before she'd convinced him to 
let her display his beautiful drawings in their quarters.
     "Do you think it looks like Dad?" Katie asked seriously.
     B'Elanna seized upon the revealing of the masterpiece's model.
     "Yes, it looks just like him."  As she looked now, she could
make out the blue eyes, the smile, and the three rank pips prominently 
displayed on the figure's collar. 
     B'Elanna stepped over to where a single padd lay on the
dining table.  The note, written in Tom's familiar scrawl,
was short and to the point:
          
               "Lann,
                     Needed to get some fresh air.
                              All my love,
                                   Tom"



     B'Elanna frowned.  On impulse, she tapped her commbadge.
"B'Elanna to Kim."
     Harry returned the page a second later.  "Harry here. What's
up, B'Elanna?"
     "Harry, are you busy?" she asked quickly.  "I mean, can you
spare a few minutes to watch -- "
     " -- my favorite munchkins?" Harry finished.  "Anytime."
     B'Elanna sighed in relief.  "Thanks, Harry.  The twins and
Emma are sleeping; only Katie's still up."
     She could almost hear the smile in Harry's voice.  "I'll 
bring my crayons.  Kim out."
     B'Elanna waited until Harry was safely situated with the 
care of her children before she exited the Paris quarters. Harry's
parting comment rang in her memory:
      'B'Elanna, you've always been good to him.  He needs you 
now.'
     And her own response:  'I know, Harry.  I'll do my best.'
     Straightening, she raised her voice. Where would he be?
Holodeck?  Gym?  "Computer, location of Commander Paris."
     "Commander Paris is not on Voyager."

*****

     He was so preoccupied he didn't notice her approach until
she spoke.
     "Tom...."
     She noticed he was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, while 
she still wore her Starfleet uniform.  He turned toward
her, smile sad, and extended a hand.  She grasped it gently and
moved closer to him, twisting his arm around slightly so it 
encompassed her.  He brought his other arm around and held
her, resting his chin on her hair.
     But he didn't speak.
     "Tom, it was a long time ago," she said softly.  He didn't 
reply; the only sound came from the gentle waves lapping onto 
the shore.  B'Elanna shivered slightly in the cool night air and
Tom's arms instinctively tightened around her.  She took in their
warmth gratefully.  "You must stop feeling guilty, Tom, that 
time is over now -- you can't alter the past or what you did.  It
was a mistake -- "
     For the first time he spoke, though she almost wished he
hadn't.  The bitterness in his voice cut through her like a knife.  
" -- that took the lives of three people, B'Elanna!  My fault, my 
mistake, my pilot error!"  His voice sank.  "It was all my fault."
     "Tom, it's been over twenty years," she whispered, tears 
glittering in her dark eyes at the roughness in his voice.
     Tom spoke slowly.  "B'Elanna, I have a wonderful family,
the trust of the crew....the rank of lieutenant commander...."  
His voice was anguished as he finished, "but maybe those people 
deserved these things, too."
     B'Elanna sighed.  They went through this every year at this
time, and she could never quite get it through to her husband 
that no one blamed him anymore.  But he always felt guilty, like
there was something else he could have done.  Try as she might,
she could never make him realize it was time to let go.  He'd always
insisted on holding on to the pain. 
     "I'm that bad, huh?"  At Tom's wry voice, she realized she'd
spoken her thoughts aloud. 
     "Tom....hon, you have to stop blaming yourself now," she 
pleaded quietly.  "No one else blames you.  Tom, no amount
of guilt will bring them back -- and it's not in your reach
to do so.  You can't bring them back, and you couldn't
by feeling guilty so long afterwards.  Tom, *you can't bring 
them back*."
     Tom was silent, but it seemed to B'Elanna that he hugged her
even tighter, if that was possible.  Silence reigned for a 
moment, but she heard him sigh.  Gently moving one arm free, she
pointed upward at the stars that glittered in the sky.
     "See that star?" she asked softly, "that really bright one?"
     Tom snorted in quiet laughter.  "You mean Voyager?"
     B'Elanna pouted and pointed to a different place in the sky.
"How about that one?"  She could feel the corners of his mouth 
turn up into a smile.
     "Looks like a star, Sweetheart."
     "It's a wishing star," she informed him firmly.
     "Really?" Tom asked, amused. 
     "Yes, it really is."  B'Elanna smiled.  "What would you 
wish for, Tom?"
     He was quiet, then he ventured hesitantly, "I can't think
of anything, B'Elanna.  I've got you, and the kids, and a crew 
community I care about, a job I love...."
     "Would you wish for those three officers?" she asked, 
knowing this was a dangerous question to ask, especially now.
"Would you wish to erase Caldik Prime?"
     Tom sighed.  "I -- I don't know, Lanna."
     "Why not?"
     He smiled at her patiently.  "Well, as you so forcefully 
pointed out, I can't bring them back.  It's -- it's not my place
to bring them back."
     She was quiet for a moment, then said, "I wish you could
remember that, Tom."
     His blue eyes were still sad.  "I wish I could, too."
     Her fingers squeezed his and her wedding band sparkled in 
light.  "C'mon, Tom, we should go home."
     Tom Paris took one last look at the beach, the waves, 
B'Elanna's wishing star.  Maybe with a little more time, the 
guilt and sadness would totally dissipate.  It had been over
twenty years, but each year the pain was a little less.  And,
who knew, maybe with B'Elanna as a counselor....he had to admit,
she was pretty good at it.  Maybe she could apply for official
status....
     Naah.
     Tom smiled, fingering his own wedding band.  "Coming, love."


___________________________________________________________________________
© Copyright March 1998 by Jessica Ferroni on all original story content.
 Not meant to infringe on copyrights held by Paramount or any other copyright
 holders of STAR TREK: VOYAGER. Please do not reproduce for anything other
 than personal reading use (including fanzines) without written consent of
 the author. Comments are welcome at j_paris@hotmail.com