"When love is wrong, it dies, and that's the way it goes.  But when it's right you 
know love grows."(12)

XII.


        Okay, so I've been moved to an out-of-the-way alcove off the main
room, my friends come to visit often, people are really nice to me, and I get 
to wear the cool medical blues.
        I hate Sickbay.

        
        "LIEUTENANT!!"
        I shot up on the medical bed at the Doctor's shout, then doubled 
over in pain as the action caught up with me.  The preparations for the surgery
had left me tired and sore. Squeezing my eyes shut, I waited as calmly as I 
could for the pain to end, breathing deeply and ignoring for the moment
the crashing sounds coming from the main Sickbay area and the Doctor's
frantic voice that was becoming more high-pitched by the second.  There was
a sound of running, and suddenly something wet and very sticky brushed up 
against my cheek.  I pressed my lips together tighter and closed my eyes
harder.  I knew if I opened my eyes....
        I couldn't help it, and there she was.
        "Hi, Dice," I said weakly.  Now I love Dice, but her kisses can be
reserved for someone else, someone of her own species.  I rubbed at my cheek,
grimacing at the stickiness Dice had left there. 
        Dice slobbered happily and I reached over to scratch behind her ears.
"Who brought you, huh?" I asked her.  A minute later, the Doctor's raised 
voice answered my question.
        "Lieutenant Torres, I *will not* have you bringing that animal into
my Sickbay!  Starfleet rules clearly regulate -- "
        "Hi, Tom," B'Elanna said, her frame silhouetted against the brighter
backdrop of Sickbay.  Cheerfully ignoring the Doctor, she inquired, "Can I 
come in?"
        "Sure.  Computer, lights," I ordered, illuminating the room and 
causing me to blink at the sudden brightness. 
        The EMH had followed B'Elanna in and was still lecturing her.  "I want
that animal out of here!  And furthermore, I will see to it that Tuvok makes 
sure -- "
        "Aw, Doc," B'Elanna interjected, "how can you reject such a sweet little
face?"
        I put on the most endearing look I could until B'Elanna subtly jabbed 
me in the ribs and informed me she was referring to the dog.  Oops.
        The Doctor was clearly not swayed.  "Lieutenant, the dog is not to 
remain."
        "But didn't she stay here when I was here last time?" I asked suddenly.
The Doctor frowned.
        "That's different, Lieutenant.  She was confined to a room, not running
around crashing into things."
        B'Elanna sighed, knowing it was pointless to argue with the holodoc.  
"Fine, Doc.  We'll leave.  But we'll need a repulsor chair," she added.
        Both the Doc and I gaped.  I found my voice first.
        "B'Elanna, I can't -- "
        "Very well, Miss Torres," the EMH said, nodding his head approvingly.
"I think some fresh air might be just what Mister Paris needs." I could have
sworn he was smirking as he added, "just what the Doctor ordered.  Are you 
authorized to....?"
        "Direct from the Captain herself," B'Elanna answered cheerily.  "I've
even got the day off."
        I was a little nervous about venturing out of sickbay -- it had been 
nearly three weeks since Harry and Kes had brought me here.  Personally, I
thought the Doc just wanted me out of his, er....out of the way for awhile.
I was sure he wasn't half as ready to have me leave as I was to go.
        But still I hesitated.  "B'Elanna, maybe...."
        "Nonsense, Tom, you'll be fine."  She smiled, but I could tell it was
forced.  I tried for one of my own.
        "Okay, Lann, if you're sure."  The Doc had brought a repulsor chair
around and very gently he picked me up as if I weighed nothing, and placed me
carefully in the chair.  I offered him a lopsided smile.
        "Maybe you could show me your excercise routine sometime, Doc.  Those
are some muscles you've got there."
        The look I got in return was worth the stupid quip.  But if I'd had the
strength he had, I wouldn't be here now; I'd have walked out long ago.
        "Okay," B'Elanna said, fiddling with something on the back of the chair.
Suddenly I was very nervous.  I could just see myself back in Sickbay in five minutes,
the only recorded victim of a repulsor chair crash. 
        "B'Elanna, do you know what you're doing?" I asked quickly.  I'd never 
actually seen one of these chairs in use before, and didn't know if she had,
either. 
        "Of course, Tom.  After all, I'm an engineer -- " The chair suddenly
jerked forward and I lunged in my seat. 
        "O-o-h, B'Elanna," I moaned, "I think that's enough walking for today."
        "Quiet, you big baby," she said lightly.  "I've got it figured out now."
She thought I didn't hear her quiet, "*I think*," but I did and gripped the 
padded armrests tightly.  
        "B'Elanna, I really think -- "
        "Okay, I've got it," she said, and in a thankfully smoother motion than
before, the respulsor chair glided forward slowly.  B'Elanna grinned triumphantly
and rested her hands lightly on the back of the chair.  "Where to, helmboy?"
she teased.
        I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat.  "Wherever you want,
B'Elanna."
        "Okay."  B'Elanna guided the repulsor chair out of Sickbay, Dice's leash
wrapped around her wrist, and I was immediately glad to leave the too-clean smell
of antiseptic behind.  Still I was nervous about the reactions of Voyager's crew. 
My friends had stopped by to visit, even the Capain, and Chakotay'd come once, 
but I hadn't seen the remainder of the crew in weeks, and I didn't know how 
much they knew about my current condition.
        We moved steadily through the corridors, and I tried to control the nervous
trembling of my hands.  I eyed my hands wryly.  This was a change from devil-may-care
Tom Paris.  Worrying about the reactions of the crew....a crew that had become my
family over the years.  Most of them, anyways.  Some of them still reminded me of
the cousin you never wanted to claim as yours, the ugly mug who threatened to beat you
up at every family reunion.    
        The reactions varied.  I watched surprise, sympathy, and a bit of sadness flit
across their features, mainly the ones who wondered if this would impede my piloting
in any way.  I didn't know yet.  I wouldn't know until after the surgery.  But evidentally
a general announcement hadn't been made.  That was good, I supposed.  Still, I think I
would rather they'd made an announcement than to have rumors flying about my whereabouts.
        Trying to ignore the expressions on my crewmate's faces and partly lost in thought,
I hadn't been paying attention to where B'Elanna was going.  But when she stopped, jolting 
me out of my reviere, I smiled in delight.  She'd chosen almost as if she'd read my mind.
        "I wasn't sure if this would be okay," B'Elanna said quietly, "but it is away from
the crowds and noise, and Kes has the lovliest flowers in bloom...."
        "It's absolutely perfect, Lann," I assured.  "Just perfect."
        She smiled, and we entered the hydroponics bay.  Dice whined, probably wondering 
why we hadn't taken her somewhere people would feed her.  Nosing the different flowers,
she wandered around in happy puppy-ness.  I hoped she didn't cause any irreversible damage
to anything. 
        "Computer, lights," B'Elanna ordered, and as my eyes adjusted to the brighter lights
rather the corridor's dim early morning glow, I could see that B'Elanna had been correct in
her earlier statement.  Kes' flowers bloomed in a dazzling multicolored array, brightening
both the room and my spirits with their ethereal beauty. 
        Whoah, I stopped myself. Mutlicolored array? Ethereal beauty? I *had* been 
spending too much time in Sickbay.  If I didn't watch it, soon I'd be using words like,
'the heavenly visage of a plant branch modified for seed production and bearing leaves
specialized into floral organs.'  Eeeuu.  I blinked a few times and brought myself back
to reality.  If I hadn't had enough reason to be determined to get through the surgery and
resulting aftermath before, I did now. 
        I noticed B'Elanna watching me with a slightly confused smile, and I offered her
a wan grin.  "It's nothing."  I glanced around again at the plant branches....flowers, and 
reached out to touch one with a trembling finger.  The deep scarlet petals were velvet soft
under my touch.  How much had I given up staying in Sickbay?  I'd thought it was better that
way, under surveilance, practically right under the Doctor's nose, but I hadn't thought
about what I was giving up.  My friends, my puppy, leola root....leola root??
        "What are you thinking about?" B'Elanna asked quietly, sounding almost hesitant to
speak.
        I smiled and took her hand, just feeling the cool, reassuring touch of her fingers.
"How much I miss you."  And leola root?? Where'd that come from???
        Her eyes saddened.  "I miss you too, Tom."
        "It just isn't the same, huh?" I said softly, forgetting about the leola root.  
"You might as well be worlds away.  B'Elanna," I said slowly, "B'Elanna, I want to move back
to my quarters.  Only for another week until the surgery.  I'm missing so much -- this visit 
just proved that."
        Tears stung her dark eyes.  "Tom, you can't."
        "Yes, I can," I insisted.  "I hate being in Sickbay," I growled vehemently. "I *hate* 
it."
        "No, you can't," she said firmly.  "Tom, you can't walk." She stressed each word
carefully.  "You can't walk.  You need to stay in Sickbay."
        "Yes, I can," I spat, struggling in the chair ineffectively.  Finally I lifted my
eyes to meet hers.  "Help me up.  Please."
        "Tom -- "
        "B'Elanna, please."
        Her arm slid behind my shoulders and, determined, I helped as best I could to heave 
myself up.  But the minute I was upright, my legs were like they'd been made of jelly and I
felt myself slip from her grasp and crash to the floor. 
        When my head finally cleared, I remembered my earlier failure to stand, and reached
out for B'Elanna shakily. 
        "I'm sorry," I whispered, my heart clenching at the tears coursing down her face.
She was kneeling next to me, supporting my back with her arms.  
        "Are you okay?" Her voice quivered.
        I aimed for a light tone.  "A couple bruises, probably.  Mostly my ego."  My voice
softened.  "I'm sorry, B'Elanna, really sorry."
        "I knew you couldn't do it," she whispered, shaking her head like she'd failed me,
like there was something she should have done.
        "Hey," I said gently, "you know how stubborn I am."  I cracked a half-smile.  "What
a pig I can be.  You had to let me try."
        She smiled a little, still looking as miserable as I felt.  "I wish...." her voice 
trailed off as she looked at the floor.
        "You wish what?" I prodded.
        Her head lifted, a firm look in her eye.  "I wish it could have been me instead."
        Then I felt twice as guilty.  "Hey...." I tried, "You sound like the Captain.  It's
better this way."
        "Better?"  Her voice was cold. 
        "Sure.  The ship would fall apart without you." I grinned.  "And you'd fall apart
without your engines."
        "I'd rather not have Voyager than to not have you," she said angrily, stunning 
me with her vehemence.
        "Hey," I brushed her cheek lightly with the back of my hand.  "I'm not planning on
going anywhere."  Literally, I added silently. 
        "Tom, I...." she started, then stopped abruptly. 
        "What?" I asked warily.  C'mon, B'Elanna, I thought, spit it out.  I'd heard that
tone before, but I was totally unprepared for the rush of words that followed. 
        "Tom, I....I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter how long, that
I...I always want to be beside you, Tom.  Always," she said firmly. 
        I couldn't speak.  What could I say?  My voice spoke before my brain caught up.
        "B'Elanna, I want you to marry me."
        She looked up, wonder etched in her delicate features.  "What?"
        Now you've done it, Paris.  Great.  "No, that's not what I...."  Her eyes dropped,
her face unreadable.
        "I understand," she said softly, rising briskly to stand.
        "No," I grabbed her wrist, near frantic.  I couldn't let her walk out.  Not when 
I'd come so close.  It was all or nothing.  I steadied my voice and took a deep breath. 
"B'Elanna, I've been wanting to ask you for a long time, very long.  But after the 
accident...."  I swallowed.  "I didn't want to tie you down to someone who...."  
        Her hand gripped my chin firmly, and tears again shone in her brown eyes.
"Shhh," she soothed, then she moved gently so I was leaning with my back against her, and
wrapped her arms around my chest and held tight as if to fend off any foe.  
        "I want you to marry me," I said, very softly.  Maybe she didn't even hear me.
But we stayed there, sitting on the floor of the hydroponics bay, just being together after
so very long away, the forgotten repulsor chair and Dice lurking somewhere in the background.
        I felt B'Elanna's mouth turn up into a smile. 
        "I love you, Tom Paris."
        I love you, too, B'Elanna Torres.

*****