* * * * *

"I want to hold you 'til I die, 'til we both break down and cry.  I want
to
hold you 'til the fear in me subsides."(10)

X.

Cold gray, tear-streaked brown, and startled blue eyes snapped up to
meet
the Commander's arrival. The temperature in the room dropped by at least 
ten degrees. Chakotay stood stiffly in the doorframe, and I couldn't
help but feel a flash of anger for not knowing how he could have
provoked 
such a reaction from the normally warm Janeway. Now I knew part of the
reason why Harry and B'Elanna had been so upset about telling me that
I'd
been out for six months - the lack of information was killing me! 
  I clenched my teeth as B'Elanna's grip on my hand tightened. Her tear-
streaked brown eyes were defiant as she gazed at Chakotay. The stare he
shot
her in return was controlled, but boiled with anger beneath the surface.
  "Ah, Commander," Doc threw in loudly, fairly exuding cheerfulness.
Part of
me was grateful for the interruption, but another part seethed at his
being 
so jubilant when I may never walk or pilot Voyager again. Then I
realized he'd
done it for B'Elanna's benefit, and the anger dissipated instantly.
  "If you and the Captain could join me in my office...." Doc gestured.
Janeway, back rigid, marched into his office with Chakotay right behind
her.
Life on Voyager must have been close to horrible these last three
months.
  B'Elanna tossed her head, eyes flashing. "How could he, he - " she
broke
off, mumbling under her breath.
  I eyed her curiously. "B'Elanna, what could Chakotay have done to get
you
angry? He and the Captain have had arguments before and it never
affected
you."
  "Tom, you don't understand!" she said angrily.
  "I might if you told me what's going on," I retorted. 
  Her eyes softened. "You're right. I'm sorry."
  I waved her apology away. "What happened?"
  B'Elanna drew a deep breath. "While you were in Sickbay - in here -
Captain
Janeway and I, we came to, uh, check on you alot. In fact, Harry and I
took turns sleeping in here until the Doc practically threw us out."
  "B'Elanna - " I was touched by the lengths my friends had gone to. She
ignored
the interruption and continued, 
  "The Captain was here almost as much as me and Harry, and Mel and Fred
came,
too, and Megan." B'Elanna hesitated. "Megan....did her best to keep me
encouraged, Tom. She really did."
  I smiled. Megan Delaney, my closest friend apart from B'Elanna and
Harry.
We went back a long way - had been to the Academy together, in fact.
  When I'd first come aboard Voyager, I'd had no idea she was among the
crew,
her or Jenny. I didn't know until after the Array had been destroyed,
but our
reunion was a joyous one. Jenny had remembered me, too, but she and I
were no
where near as close as Meg and myself. 
  Meg, to spare me from what she knew would be inevitable - women
wanting to see
if I really was 'the Romeo of the Alpha *and* Delata Quadrants - posed
as my
girlfriend, keeping the other women at a distance. 
  When I had finally delved up enough courage to go it alone, Meg had
gently
disengaged herself - and pointed out B'Elanna Torres. 
  "Hey," B'Elanna said grumpily, "what's that smile for?"
  Oops. B'Elanna knew nothing of the understanding between Meg and
myself.
"I'm just glad she took care of you, that's all," I said, hoping to
appease
her. That last thing I needed now was broken jaw on top of my
other...injuries.
At least I was already in sickbay. "Then what happened?" I prodded.
  "Chakotay....wasn't happy, to say the least," B'Elanna continued
slowly. 
"He accused me of wasting time, time we desperately needed. The Captain,
too,
Tom," she whispered. "He got into a terrible argument with her. They
didn't
speak to each for days, and even now they're barely cordial. You saw
them just
now."
  I nodded. 
  "Tom, I'm worried," B'Elanna confided. "The strain is showing on the
crew.
Since the argument, Chakotay's been doing everything strictly Starfleet
-
those in crew who still feel loyal to the Maquis are chafing." She
turned her
head away. "I don't know what to do, Tom."
  I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't know how to reassure her
-
I barely knew what was going on. I needed to tell her something, if only
to
assuage my own pain. 
  "Lann," I reached up to brush her cheek. "it's okay."
  She turned back towards me, tears glittering in her eyes, saying
nothing.
  "We're gonna be okay, B'Elanna," I whispered, ignoring the heated pain
rising again in my back. "Everything's gonna be okay."
  "No, Tom," she returned softly, laying her head gently on my chest.
"It's not."
  "Hey, trust me," I said comfortingly, my heart aching at her despair.
She
smiled lightly.
  "You know I do."
  "Then trust me on this."
  She lifted her head, a small smile still gracing her face. "I should
be the
one comforting you, Tom."
  "You are," I replied quietly, stroking her hair. In that moment I
wanted
nothing more than to know she'd be with me for the rest of my life,
sharing
my name, my home, my life. I wanted to ask her, I needed to ask her -
  "B'Elanna?"
  "Hmmm?"
  Then reality crashed in. *Paris, think about this!* Here I was, faced
with 
the possibility of never walking, never piloting again, and I would be
so
selfish as to ask her to marry me when I could offer her nothing in
return. 
I couldn't do that to her, and as much as it pained me I swallowed the
question
I  had so desperately wanted to ask.
  "Nothing."

* * * * *

-- 
__________________________________________________________________
Jessica Ferroni   http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1436/
Evenstar17@hotmail.com, jferroni@shilohcc.com