Pleeeeease don't go," Janie musters in her barely controlled 2-year-old voice. As Janie's face reddens, lower lip quivers, and the activity in the room stops, Ms. Black smiles and prepares herself for her routine and reassuring parent conference on toddler transitions. She knows that Janie's parents need to know that they aren't harming their child by leaving her, that Janie's response is normal, and that, with attentions and care, the crisis will soon pass.

All emotionally healthy children sometimes find separating from their parents difficult. Some children deal with separation issues in infancy, others as toddlers, and some not until kindergarten. (Many young adults revisit separation panic before starting college or going off to a first job). In all cases, separation anxiety marks strong parent-child attachments. It says that children are able to tell the difference between attentive, familiar parents and strangers who may look, feel, sound, and smell unfamiliar.

In general, infants younger than about 6 or 8 months don't seem to notice when their parents leave them with a caregiver. Slightly older children, however, may cry, scream, and sob when parents say goodbye-even when their caregiver is familiar. Three- to 5-year olds frequently rely on rituals and comfort objects, while 4- to 6-year-olds generally take their cues from their parents-if the parents are uncomfortable and nervous, the children will be, too. Some children seem to make a smooth transition to a new environment only to suffer separation anguish several weeks or months later. In all cases, carefully preparation and patient reassurance ease difficult transitions.

Preparing for transitions
Share information about separation anxiety with parents when they come for an enrollment interview. Ask how their children deal with separation now, and what you might do to help ease the transition. Get information on the child's favorite activities and materials. Share some books and other resources that introduce children-and their parents-to the day-by-day routines of child care programs and school.

Anticipate some difficulty with transitions when children are unfamiliar with out-of-home care. Entering a child care program or school for the first time is scary-for both children and their parents. Children who speak a language other than that spoken by their teacher will likely find separating from a parent especially frightening. Make sure you have a list of-and can pronounce-essential phrases in the child's language. Try to use both languages as much as possible. Children who have had other difficult separation experiences-like a parent who was hospitalized for a long time-may also have a difficult transition to school.

If a child enters your classroom mid-year, spend some time preparing the other children for the new arrival. A couple of days in advance tell the group the new child's name and share what you know about the child's interests. "Kenta will come to our school on Wednesday. He hasn't been in school before, but he really likes to play with blocks and the draw pictures." If the child has a physical disability, share that fact with the group but avoid being dramatic or sappy. "Kenta uses hearing aids to help him hear more sounds. The hearing aid looks like buttons in his ears. I'm sure he'll tell you about them if you ask him."

Make sure you prepare the classroom for a new child by having a cubby ready, labeling the cot, making a name tag if you use them for all the children, and having materials available that you know the child likes. Getting comfortable Encourage parents to spend time in the classroom with their children. Ask parents to give their child reminders of home and family-a photograph, security objects like blankets or a favorite stuffed toy, a scarf or handkerchief, or a note tucked in a lunch box or backpack. These objects help children bridge the distance between home and school-especially when separating is difficult. Five-year-old Sarah told her kindergarten class at circle time, "This is my mommy's scarf. I hold it in my pocket. She told me to hold it in my fingers when I'm feeling lonely for her."

Saying goodbye
Rituals make saying goodbye easier for children and their parents. Help children and their parents make a ceremony of hanging a family photo in a cubby or on the bulletin board. Encourage the parent to sit down and share a book or fingerplay before saying goodbye. Notice the routine that each family uses for separation-a kiss on each cheek and on the top of the head, or a wave from a particular window, for example. These rituals comfort children who know that their parents are willing to take the time for the routine. Most of all, avoid looking impatient when a goodbye takes longer that usual. Remember the parent-child relationship will last far longer than any activity you have planned.

Help parents when they decide to leave their children for the day. Children pick up on ambivalence and guilt, so encourage the parents to act gently but matter-of-factly. Share these guidelines with parents and help them follow through:

When it is time to leave, leave.
Say goodbye, go through your personal ritual, and walk out the door. Don't complicate painful separation by saying, "OK, but just for a few more minutes."

Always return at the expected time.
Talk about the day's schedule. "I'll come to pick you up after nap, snack, and story time. You will be on the playground and I will find you playing there.

Ask for teacher's help-with words or signal.
Teachers are trained to distract and redirect. Trust that you child's teacher will have the child calm and involved in the day's activities.

Deborah Hewitt (1995) offers these suggestions for helping children who are upset when their parents leave.

You are guest # to visit this page since August 27, 1999