Title: TRUEST TRUTHS

Author: CindyET

Rating: NC-17 (Adult Themes, including Rape, Language)

Classification: V

Keywords: RAPE, MSR

Spoilers: "Irresistible," "Trust No 1" and a teensy-weensy nod

to "Je Souhaite"

Summary: What if the unthinkable once happened to "Dana"?

Years later, how would "Scully" cope?

Disclaimer: Do these characters really belong to Chris Carter,

FOX and 1013 Productions? If so, no copyright infringement

intended. Fun, yes. Profit, no.

Authors Notes: "Trust No 1" -- the title, the monologue and

also Mulder's use of Scully's first name in his email

(referring to the often hidden persona of "Dana"), along with

two threads on Haven: one about the lasting effects of rape

and a more recent one about Scully's seemingly split

personality -- conspired to pull these words from my heart.

This tiny vignette is dedicated to all of us who have walked

too near the edge of darkness, and, for a while, lost

ourselves.

Do not read this story if you want to bask in the afterglow of

"Trust No 1." This has almost nothing to do with that

storyline, and may affect your enjoyment of the episode.

This story is about rape. Please, consider yourself warned.

TRUEST TRUTHS

By CindyET

-x-x-x-x-x-

OFFICE OF DR. KAREN KOSSEFF

JANUARY, 1995

"You think you find a way to deal with these things. In med

school, you develop a clinical detachment to death. In your

FBI training, you are confronted with cases, the most terrible

and violent cases. You think you can look into the face of

pure evil. And then you find yourself paralyzed by it."

"Dana, are you aware you've been talking about yourself in the

second person?"

"No. Was I?"

"Do you know why?"

"Probably as another way of trying to detach myself from it."

"You're a strong person. You've probably always felt you can

handle any problem yourself. But you feel vulnerable now. Do

you know why that is?"

-x-x-x-x-x-

APARTMENT OF DANA SCULLY

APRIL, 2000

The truth is Mulder never ordered you to "Get on your knees."

He never said, "Swallow it all or I'll shoot you in the

fucking head."

He never said these words to you at all.

He says things like, "I can't believe you don't want butter on

your popcorn."

You like your popcorn plain because salt and butter sticks to

the back of your throat...tastes like anger and fear and that

cold, rainy night when you knelt...and swallowed...it all. And

then the other guy said, "My turn. Bend over."

But Mulder never said those words. He says unbuttered popcorn

is un-American, only because he doesn't realize...doesn't know

about...

The truth is, Mulder has never pulled your hair or torn your

clothes or split your lip. He never left you for dead, wishing

you were dead, because it would have been a hell of a lot

easier than getting up off the muddy ground and going home to

your mother and trying to explain to her that you...were...

(swallow it all...)

To this day, you can't fill your plate because the idea of all

that food in your mouth is too damn much, too damn much, too

DAMN MUCH! So you dish out manageable portions and still leave

half behind, because you don't want to swallow it all.

Thank god, Mulder never asks about your half-empty plate.

Sometimes, after you vacuum the carpet in your bedroom, you

avoid walking on it because you don't want to leave footprints

in the nap. Sometimes, you sleep on your couch rather than

step on your newly vacuumed carpet. Jesus. You know it's

crazy. But sometimes, for just a few hours, you need to avoid

going there.

Once you almost yelled at him for messing up the freshly

vacuumed carpet by walking on it. Walking on the carpet! For

Christ's sake, where's he supposed to walk? But

jesusjesusjesus the tracks...the tracks look just like the

tracks in the mud that night when you finally stood up and

staggered home to your mother, your insides on fire and your

mouth tasting like buttered popcorn.

Your dentist says you should stop brushing so hard because

you're wearing down the enamel of your teeth at the gum line.

And your doctor says that you keep getting yeast infections

because it's not good to douche twice a day. Yes, yes, you

know all about "beneficial" bacteria, but still...

It's not that you're obsessive-compulsive. You don't count the

number of steps between the parking garage and your building,

or quadruple-check your door locks each night before you go to

bed. You're good at your job, and you and he have a good

relationship. You do. He never says, "Get on your knees,"

although you have knelt and gone down on him. It's nothing

like...before. He never says, "Swallow it all." He never even

asks why you don't.

"Why don't you tell him, Dana?" your therapist asks.

Tell him? That you were contaminated? Ruined? What if the idea

sickens him as much as it sickens you and he thinks you *are*

your rape, sees you as nothing but a raped woman who swallowed

it all and then bent over for more...oh, god, oh, god, oh,

god? Sometimes you hate yourself so much you want to rip off

your own skin, just dig your nails in and tear it off. What if

he feels that way, too?

"What happened wasn't your fault," your therapist says.

"I know," you answer and in your head you *do* know, but your

body doesn't seem to get the point. So you vacuum your bedroom

carpet *again* and brush your teeth hard, hard, hard and when

he brings you a plateful of food, you feel like throwing up.

He asks, "Too much?"

"Yes," you say, and return to the kitchen to fix a new plate,

a clean, almost-empty plate.

He never says, "Swallow it all..." He just says "Sorry," his

own mouth full, his fork poised above his plate, his brow

furrowed by a lack of understanding.

Once when he was feeling amorous, he asked if you wanted to

try something new.

"New?"

"You know...kinky."

"How kinky?"

"I dunno. Nothing dangerous." He smiled.

You broke out in a sweat and thought, it's all dangerous. "You

don't want to dress up in my lingerie, do you?"

"Yes, but I was thinking more along the lines of sex on the

kitchen table." He was teasing about the lingerie and you

appreciated his playfulness so you went along with the kitchen

table idea. Everything went fine until he asked if you might

want to try some food-play, since you were so close to the

refrigerator and all.

(swallow it all...)

"I don't know, Mulder. It could get messy."

"I'll help you clean up." He licked his lips and then licked

yours. "What's in your fridge, Scully? Got any chocolate

sauce, whipped cream, peanut butter?"

Swallow it all, swallow it all...

"Some other time, Mulder? Okay?"

"Sure." He kissed you. He made love to you. He brought you to

a climax -- twice -- before coming himself.

Maybe you should tell him. Maybe he will understand, won't

blame you, won't think you are less or dirty or...

No, it's probably better if he thinks of you only as "Scully "

-- competent, strong, un-sullied. That's who you are now

anyway...most of the time, right? Bury the hurt, swallow...

...it all.

(on your knees...)

Thank god, he never says these words to you.

He claims he loves you, and you believe he's not lying only

because he doesn't know the real you -- "Dana," damaged, weak,

ineffectual. He knows and loves "Scully." Right?

"Dana?" His nose is buried in your hair, his lips brush the

lobe of your ear. He is curled around you in your bed, and you

have the comforter pulled up to your chin. Two sets of

footprints mark the vacuumed carpet from the door to the bed,

but you're getting pretty good at letting them remain right

there in plain sight. After all, his words aren't their words

and his taste isn't their taste and the look in his eyes, the

tone of his voice, his gentle, soothing touch isn't theirs.

Your insides are on fire, but it's not the way it was on that

night, nothing like that night, the opposite of then.

Did he really call you Dana?

"Hmm?"

"I love you, Dana."

That's not possible. Is it?

"Mulder...?" Do you dare? Do you dare? ("...or I'll shoot you

in the fucking head.") He never says these words, so...do I

dare? "There's...there's something I need to tell you."

-x-x-x-x-x-

"The truth is not found in science or on some unseen plane,

but by looking into your own heart, and in that moment you

will be blessed and stricken, for the truest truths are what

hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately apart."

-- Scully in "Trust No 1"

-x-x-x-x-x-

Author's notes: The idea that Scully's personality may have

been shaped by rape or sexual abuse is probably not new (I

don't know because, for personal reasons, I avoid reading rape

fic), and I may be lambasted for taking liberties with the

interpretation of her opening monologue to her son William in

"Trust No 1," maybe even accused of ruining its true meaning

forever. If that is the case, I offer my sincerest apologies.

But please know the subject of rape is incredibly personal to

me, and words, situations, life in general, sometimes offer

double meanings to those of us who have been victimized,

abused, molested, raped. Our experiences loom immeasurable in

our lives, reappear in unexpected ways, and we often remain

afraid for a very long time.

Feedback is welcome on this or any of my stories, but please

be gentle with "Truest Truths" -- it was a tough one to write

and even tougher to post. Send comments to

cindyet@tdstelme.net.

You can find all my fic at

http://cindyet.xfilesfanfiction.com/