TITLE: Never, Never 1/1
AUTHOR: Crash
E-MAIL: mamymac@juno.com
CATEGORY: MSR, mild angst
RATING: NC-17 for language and sex
SPOILERS: Set post "Never Again"
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully Romance
SUMMARY:
An argument about Agent Scully's conduct regarding Ed Jerse leads to some
Unpartnerlike conduct.
DISCLAIMER:
They aren't mine. I'm just playing with them cuz I'm bored. Fox Mulder,
Dana Scully and the X-Files belong to Chris Carter, 10-13 Productions and
Fox Broadcasting. Suing me will only win you bills. I mean no
infringement by my merciless quest to get our heroes in the sack.
NOTES:
This is a post "Never Again" story. Nothing but relationship smut
follows. OK to post where you will as long as my name, addy and
disclaimer remain with the story. Thanks to all of you who have sent
wonderful feedback to my previous stories. Your encouragement is an
addictive drug. Thank you again. I will now grovel for more input.
Send feedback to mamymac@juno.com. I'll use any flames at my next
bonfire.
NEVER NEVER 1/1
By Crash
"All this because I didn't get you a desk?"
"Not everything is about you, Mulder. It's my life."
"But it's."
"What? It's what?"
Mulder rose, placing his palms flat on either side of the coffee stained
blotter on his desk. He leaned across the looming expanse of the desk,
inserting his face firmly in front of his partner's.
"If it's not about me then why don't you tell me just what the hell it is
about."
Dana Scully felt bile rise in the back of her throat. Who the hell did
Mulder think he was? He leaves her to investigate a case by herself
while he runs off to Memphis to chase Elvis. She almost gets killed and
he decides to have a fit of jealousy.
She wasn't sure where the urge came from. She just followed it. His
face was just inches from hers and it seemed like the perfect target.
She drew her fist back and then connected solidly with his jaw. He
obviously had not been prepared for her to do that because the blow sent
him stumbling backwards and he landed in his chair.
"SCULLY!"
"Go to hell, Mulder." The words left her lips in a quiet rage.
She was too angry to even yell. "You bastard. I bust my ass for you on
every single case we work on together. I'm not just your assistant. This
is MY job too, in case you hadn't noticed. I often have to perform my
JOB after you've run off and left me to fend for MYSELF without the
benefit of even one of your STUPID theories. You must have balls of
stainless steel to sit there and even begin to question how I
investigated this case. As I recall, you were off 'finding' yourself in
Memphis, so this WAS my case. You gave it to me, or have you
conveniently forgotten that little piece of information.
"You're a fucking hypocrite," she was screaming now. "How many
cases have you gotten a little too close to? How many times have you
done something outside protocol? I'd say my track record's a hell of a
lot better than yours, Mulder. Christ, the times I have gone beyond the
Bureau book have usually been to protect your ass, so how DARE you
question me?"
Sitting behind the desk, his eyes wide, Fox Mulder said nothing. She had
effectively shut him up, and for the first time since she could remember
she had his total attention. He rarely saw her this angry and it wasn't
usually at him. Despite her anger, she was fueled more by hurt than
anything else.
Deep in her heart, she looked up to her partner. He was her friend and
she trusted him. But the way he'd been treating her the last few weeks
felt like betrayal. He was always shoving his unwanted work off on her.
She wanted more than his approval. She wanted him to think of her as
his equal but lately he treated her as nothing more than a nuisance.
Fire burned in the depths of her blue eyes. She stood and walked around
his desk. Spinning his chair so he faced her, she roughly grabbed the
lapels of his jacket, pulling his face ever so close to hers. "If you
question my abilities as an investigator, Agent Mulder, maybe you should
find a new partner."
Feeling the tears build, she let him go and stormed out the door. Her
suede pumps clicked lightly on the tile floor, sounding much like the
ticking time bomb about to go off in her head. She felt like her whole
world was crashing down around her and she was all alone. Even Mulder
had abandoned her.
She made her way to her car and flung the door open. She slumped in and
shut the door and the rest of the world out. In the quiet of the FBI's
garage, Dana Scully let it go. She sobbed loudly, leaning her head
against the steering wheel. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped it.
She felt as though she was clinging to the last shreds of her dignity
and she dare not let go.
XxX
In the blaring silence of his office, Fox Mulder came to the realization
that his 5'2 partner had just kicked his ass. He also realized, he
deserved it. He knew he could be a bastard sometimes, hell most of the
time. He had been particularly bad lately. His mind was somewhere else
and he'd been relying on Scully to take care of the minutia he was just
too tired to deal with. He thought she understood.
In the four years he'd worked with her, Dana Scully had become the sole
person Mulder trusted and relied on. He knew he was a self-absorbed
person and he was positive Scully knew that. He thought she accepted
that about him. But it was now crystal clear to him that he'd gone too
far. He'd pushed her over the edge. He hated himself for it.
So to atone for it, he tried to blame her.
Grabbing his coat and keys, he left the office. He figured she'd gone
home or to her mother's to cool off. He decided he'd just go wait her
out at her apartment, apologize profusely and hope like hell he could
make it right.
XxX
"When did I become the world's biggest jackass?" She asked
herself aloud. "How pathetic can you get, Dana?" She smashed her fist
against the steering wheel again, bruising the heel of her hand.
She didn't remember when she'd fallen in love with her partner. She
surmised it was about the same time she knew a relationship between them
was impossible. She wasn't concerned with Bureau protocol. She just
knew in her heart Mulder wouldn't want her. She wasn't his type. A
woman who was bright and challenging made a great partner, but as lovers
went Scully knew the leggy brainless type were more his style.
Her hope was he'd at least come to see her as an equal in their
partnership. Instead, he treated her like one of her overbearing
brothers. She was his surrogate sister and it was a role she didn't want.
He always tried to protect her and keep her from anything he thought
might hurt her.
She was more than ashamed of what she'd done. But in a way, it felt good
to rebel. Just for once to do something no one expected her to do. Even
if it was only for a moment, she'd felt wild and free. What she'd done
had been dangerous as hell. But it was one of the most liberating
experiences she'd had of late.
As for Mulder, this could only lower his expectations of her. Of all the
bad things about Ed Jerse, that was what bothered her the most. She had
no idea how she could face him, especially after the argument they'd just
had. She dimly thought she could just not go back. After all, she'd
just told him to find another partner.
XxX
Mulder's feet jerked to a stop when he saw Scully's blue Cavalier still
parked in it's place. He could see the small patch of auburn hair just
over the headrest. He slowly walked over
to the car. He was within ten feet when he heard a loud sob come from
the car. He stopped again.
"Fox Mulder, you are a first class asshole," he told himself
quietly. He hung his head and tried to collect his thoughts. What could
he say? "I'm sorry Scully, I'm a jackass. But see, I had to ignore you
because I had to make myself stop loving you so we could still work
together."
He knew she cared about him but he seriously doubted she would ever love
him. He'd tried to keep himself satisfied treating her like a sister.
It was more intimate than just being his friend and partner but it still
wasn't enough. He wanted her both spiritually and physically.
He'd just have to settle for sisterly, because that's the only way she'd
stick around. If he couldn't have her heart he'd settle for her
partnership and friendship and find a way to convince himself that was
all right. But she had more or less just told him to find a new partner.
He cringed. He moved closer to the car willing his Oxford education to
find the words to fix this debacle. He couldn't lose her.
She didn't even notice when he got right next to the car. She was
sobbing violently now. His heart broke for the third time that day. She
was clutching her sides and rocking back and forth. He ran
his hand through his dark hair and sighed.
His hand shook like a leaf as he reached for the door. When he pulled
the door open she jerked around, startled. She reached for the door
handle but he caught both of her hands and pulled her out of the car and
against his body.
"Scully, you can yell at me or hit me again. Do whatever you
want. I'm a shit and I deserve it. Just don't leave. I don't want
another partner. No one else can do the work you do. You're the only
partner I've ever been able to work with, the only one I want to work
with. The X-Files' need you. I need you."
Her struggling stilled and she looked up at him. He was somewhat
relieved that the anger seemed to fade from her face. Her moist eyes
focused in on him, absorbing what he'd said. He simply stared at her
face.
The expressive blue eyes, slim nose and full rosebud mouth. He was lost.
He always was when he looked at her. Usually he could collect himself,
but today he couldn't. He was so afraid of losing her and of never
having her at all. They both seemed to be at a loss for words.
He let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her waist. He leaned
in closely, their noses were almost touching and then he begged.
"Please Dana."
There were so many entreaties in those two words. 'Please don't leave
me. Please forgive me. Please love me.' Her mouth fell open, as if to
speak, but nothing came out. The clicking of shoes on the pavement
caused them both to jump apart. Two agents rounded the corner on their
way to lunch, talking and laughing. Mulder remembered a time when he and
Scully were interacting that well. The men got in their car and drove
off.
"Mulder, I."
He reached down and pulled the keys from her hand. "Scully, let's just
go somewhere and talk about this, but not here." She nodded her head.
"We'll take my car," he said.
XxX
Neither of them said much in the car. Scully wondered where Mulder was
going. He got on 95 and kept going until they got to a suburban town
south of Washington, called Occoquan. They drove up a steep hill and
pulled into a parking space in front of a condominium complex. She shot
Mulder a quizzical look.
"My uncle has a place here. It's mostly an investment property,
he rents it to tourists. But occasionally he comes here. You can see
all the way to the Potomac from that hill over there. Anyway, I check on
it for him from time to time. It's quiet here and the view's nice. I
thought our nerves could use a little soothing."
She nodded mutely and they went inside. She'd been thinking about what
to say the whole ride down but she was still at a loss for words. She
was still stuck at the point where he told her he "needed her." She knew
he meant as a partner but the desperation in his words suggested
something more.
She moved to the sliding glass doors and looked out over the river. It
was a beautiful view. Being around the water always seemed to calm her.
She guessed she got that from her father. At least, water always made
her think of him and he always had a calming effect on her. Unlike
Mulder, his forte seemed to be getting a rise out of her. She shook her
head.
"Scully, look, I shouldn't have said the things I said. I'm not
going to tell you what you did was right, but I had no right to judge
you. Especially about Jerse, who you chose to be with is your business
and not mine. I just feel very.protective of you and I was scared when I
thought that he might have."
She spun on her heel. "Mulder, I don't need you to protect me! All I
want from you is equal footing and your attention from time to time."
The anger began to build again and she felt the words slip out before her
mental editor could stop her.
"If you'd paid a little attention to me once in awhile maybe I
wouldn't have felt the need to sleep with Jerse."the realization of what
she said made her turn crimson. He crossed the room to her in three long
strides and she turned back to the window.
"Mulder, I just meant.I.oh Christ." She began to cry again
wishing he would just vanish. But he didn't. Instead, she felt his warm
heavy hands on her shoulders. Her mind flashed back to the parking lot.
There had been a split second when she'd thought he was going to kiss
her, his face had been so close. But those men came in and she'd been
left wondering. Now she was wondering how she could weasel her way out
of this situation. She grew weak in
the knees when she felt his hot breath move around to her ear.
"Just what kind of attention do you want?"
She fought for a safe answer but her brain wouldn't supply one before he
took her earlobe into his mouth. She trembled and sighed heavily.
"Mulder."
"Am I getting it right, Scully?" He lowered his head to the
column of her throat and kissed her there, working his way up to her jaw
and then turning her to face him. He stopped just inches from her lips
and stared into her eyes. "Am I?"
"Yes, Mulder."
XxX
He was petrified the whole way there. He had no idea what to do, but
after what happened in the parking lot he knew he had to tell her. He
couldn't hold back anymore, consequences be damned. He was hopeful
though, because just after he'd put his arms around her waist she'd done
the same. He didn't know what to make of it, but he wanted it to be a
good sign.
Then she'd gone and said she'd wanted more attention from him. He could
tell she hadn't meant to say it. His hope had turned to fear when he saw
the fear in her eyes. She was afraid he wouldn't love her. . Some part of his brain supplied she might feel
better if he told her he felt the same.
"Yes Mulder."
He felt his pants tighten at her positive response and he leaned in and
kissed her softly on the lips. "Scully.I.uh.what happened with Jerse."
"Should never have happened." She looked down at her feet
raising her hands in the air. Mulder caught them and laced his fingers
through hers and then dropping their hands to their sides. A tear worked
its way down her face. "I just felt so alone, Mulder. We work so hard,
we never have any time to ourselves or to find someone.the truth of the
matter is I don't want to find someone, I found you. I wanted him to be
you, so in my mind I made him out to be you because he gave me the
attention and what I thought was respect I wanted from you.
"Mulder, I want to be your partner but I need to know you see me
as an equal part of that relationship and that I'm more than just someone
to do your dirty work. I need that and I need you in so many other
ways."
He silenced her with a kiss. "Scully, I was ignoring you and trying to
make you mad because I was trying to put some distance between us. I've
gotten so close to you that I need your presence around me like I need my
next breath. I was scared to death of how you'd react if you knew how I
really felt about you. It's stupid, I know, I was in denial. I thought
if I told myself I didn't love about you eventually I'd believe it.
"It didn't work and when I found out what happened with Jerse I
lost it. Because I was jealous, because I was afraid of losing you and I
knew it was all my fault. Look, I know you did what you did as an act of
rebellion. I deserved it but you didn't deserve the consequences. Next
time you get mad at me, just skip to the part where you belt me. I'd
much rather get hurt than let something hurt you.
"And as for being my equal. Scully, there is no one I'd rather
have at my side than you. You keep our work grounded and credible and I
couldn't do it without you. You're more important to me and this
work.our work than anything else. As far as I'm concerned, you're more
than my equal. I'm just sorry I didn't tell you before now."
She stood there staring at him. "What is it Scully?"
"Could you go back over the part where you were in denial about
loving me?"
He laughed. "I guess that wasn't a very romantic way to put it huh,
Scully? I'm not in denial anymore. I do love you."
She hugged him tightly and he ran his hands along her back. It felt so
good to hold her like this. She was crying lightly now, but he knew they
were happy tears. He kissed the top of her head. His hand settled near
the small of her back and he began drawing circles. His eidetic memory
flashed the photos of the tattoo across his mind. He wanted to see it,
to trace its lines over her skin.
The thought of her doing something so impulsive made his heart race.
Thoughts of the wild colors swirling against the alabaster of her skin
were painfully erotic to him. He smoothed her hair and tilted her chin
up with his free hand. He kissed her on the lips.
"Scully, I want to see the tattoo."
XxX
She arched an eyebrow skyward. She was too intrigued to be embarrassed.
She touched a finger to his lips.
"You want to see the tattoo?"
"Yeah. To be honest, the fact that you did that.umm.it sorta
turns me on, Scully." He flashed her his lopsided grin as he ran his
hand over the fabric over the tattoo.
She felt the heat rise in her cheeks. Ever since she'd come back from
Philadelphia she'd felt stupid about it. Mulder was right, it had been an
act of rebellion. At first she debated not telling him, letting it be
her own little secret. Then she'd thought it'd be fun to tell him that
she got the tattoo just to shock him. The ergot poisoning had made up
her mind for her. He'd already seen pictures of the damn thing.
She turned away from him and shrugged out of her jacket. She pulled her
shirt from the waistband of her skirt and lowered it to reveal the
artwork. She heard him bend down behind her. She was startled when she
felt his cool fingertip trace over the design. Shivers ran down her
spine, a touch this intimate was sheer electricity. She didn't want him
to stop.
He placed his hands on her hips and placed a light kiss in the middle of
tattoo. Scully suddenly felt very warm. He started to move up, but he
grasped the sides of her shirt pushing it up and over her head. She
whirled around to face him.
"Mulder."
"I like the artwork but I'm more interested in the canvas it's
painted on." He kissed her hard, pushing her back onto the sofa behind
them. Her world seemed to be spinning out of control. She wanted this
but she knew they shouldn't.
XxX
Mulder's mind had an annoying way of reminding him this was his partner.
His body, on the other hand, was in complete control now. The small
patch of skin she'd allowed him to see only made him want to see more.
The fact that she was kissing him back didn't hurt either.
He moved his hands around her back and unclasped her bra, slowly sliding
the lacy garment up her arms and tossing it aside. His fingers quickly
found her already hard nipples and rolled them between his thumb and
forefinger. She gasped into his mouth. He couldn't believe he was doing
this. He broke the kiss and looked into her eyes.
"Scully, I want to make love to you."
She ran a finger down his face and over his full bottom lip. "Mulder, if
I wanted you to stop, I would have decked you again when you asked to see
the tattoo."
He started to laugh but was cut short when she leaned up and kissed him
roughly. He felt her fingers at his throat loosening his tie. She
quickly worked it free and began working at his buttons. He stopped her
to stand and toss aside the offending garment.
Scully sighed as his hands roamed down her back to lower the zipper of
her skirt. It dropped into a pool around her ankles and she stepped out
of it. Finished with the buttons of his shirt, she slid it off of his
shoulders. He tossed it aside and watched as she took off her pantyhose.
She reached for his belt but he stopped her, kissing her. He pulled
away and looked deeply into her eyes. Without a word he took her hand
and led her to the bedroom down the hall.
XxX
There wasn't much in the small condo and the bedroom was no exception. A
small dresser sat near the window with nothing on it but a picture of a
young girl. On the opposite wall was a bed covered simply with a hunter
green comforter. Scully could tell it had been months since someone has
slept in this bed.
Mulder was moving around behind her. The rustle of fabric caused her to
turn to see him clad only in his navy blue boxer briefs. She crossed the
short distance to him and traced his hard length through the soft cotton.
He groaned and gripped her shoulders pushing her back onto the bed. She
felt him trail a line of kisses down to the hollow of her throat. Lacing
her fingers through his hair, she cried out when took one of her nipples
into his mouth.
"Oh God Mulder."
She slid a hand under the waistband of his boxers and cupped him lightly.
His hips bucked into her hand involuntarily. She moved her head down
and took one of his nipples into her mouth, repeating the rhythm of her
hand on his penis with her tongue on his nipples.
"Sculleee."
Moving back up, he took her ear in his mouth, sucking lightly, and she
momentarily lost her train of thought. She almost came when he began to
whisper in her ear.
"Scully, I want to touch you. I want to feel you writhe beneath
me, because of me. I want to watch you come and scream my name. I want
to be inside you and feel you come around me and with me. Do you want
all that too?"
His hand slipped lower, under the flimsy elastic band of her panties.
His long fingers parted her folds and stroked her. She was losing
control, but not in the way she had with Jerse. This was different.
This was Mulder and it felt right. It was OK to lose control with
Mulder. He wouldn't hurt her.
"Oh God yes Fox, please."
XxX
The sound of her voice calling out his given name was doing unnatural
things to his lower body. He wondered if she'd given herself to Jerse
this way. A twinge of jealousy crept across him. For a long time now
he'd thought of Scully as his and his alone. He cursed himself for
pushing her to the point she felt she needed the attention of someone
else.
He also remembered all the times she'd told him she wanted a life. He
was painfully aware their work and his quest for the truth was keeping
her from that. Yet here she was, offering even more of herself to him.
His heart swelled and he began to cry. His jealousy had turned to guilt
and he backed away from her.
"Mulder?"
"Scully, it's not fair. I'm sorry. I understand why you did what you
did. I take so much from you and I never give it back. You give me
everything I need to keep going and yet I have so little to offer you.
All I have to give to you is my heart and my body. It's just not enough,
Scully."
"Mulder. I'm a big girl. I can decide what I want for myself. I went
to Jerse because I needed something physical. All this time, I've had
the mental and spiritual side of a relationship but not the physical.
Usually it's easy to get by without that, but here lately it hasn't been.
"You have my heart and you've offered me yours. I promise to keep it
safe as long as you do the same with mine."
"I love you, Scully."
"I love you, Mulder. Now didn't you say something about your body being
part of this bargain?"
XxX
She grinned at the sly smile she'd gotten from her partner. He knelt in
front of her and slid her panties down and off. He placed warm, wet
kisses on the insides of her thighs. She could feel his hot breath deep
in her core. She laced her fingers through his hair in anticipation of
what was to come next. He kissed her clitoris lightly, then licked it.
She gasped.
"Do you like that, Dana? Does that make you feel wild and
reckless?"
He licked at her again and then sucked lightly. He nipped at the taut
bundle of nerves and her muscles tensed. She knew she was close. He
continued his assault with his tongue and lips making her moan. Her hips
bucked wildly, desperately searching for release.
"Mulder, please I want."
"What do you want?"
"You. Inside me. NOW."
He kissed her lips and she could taste herself. Lost in her desire she
reached blindly for him but he stopped her and guided himself inside her.
They both moaned as they came full circle, like the snake on her back.
They had long fulfilled one another as partners and friends. Now they
had satiated another burning need, one that only the other could
completely satisfy.
He pulled almost all the way out then plunged back into her again.
Instinctively, she knew his rhythm. As though working with him all this
time, she knew things about him her mind had never told her. But now,
the secrets were revealed. Despite the danger their union posed, it was
somehow right. All of the pain and loneliness she'd felt washed away
with each thrust. She grew closer and closer to the safe place she
sought with Ed Jerse but was now finding with man her heart had wanted
all along.
XxX
Both of them came crashing together in a shattering orgasm. She cried his
name and they lie spent. He smoothed her sweat streaked hair away from
her face. He saw a calmness that hadn't been there before. He felt it
himself. He felt foolish for not telling her sooner. For not taking
this step sooner.
He kissed her face and her eyelids. His hands cupped both of her cheeks
and he held her like a precious stone.
"Dana, please.never.never."
"Fox. He was only a substitute for what I really wanted.
Regardless of what my body craved, no one could ever replace you in my
heart. You're who I want and now that I have you, why would I want
anyone else?"
XxX
Finis
"Every book you ever read, if there's an outdoor scene, an open window,
or even a door slightly ajar, the writer has to say, 'As Bo and Velma
walked along the shore, the clouds hung ponderously on the horizon like
steel-gray, loosely formed gorilla turds.' I'm not interested. Skip the
clouds and get to the fucking."
-George Carlin