People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
Inverse Law of Patches:
A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
How to avoid shark attacks:
Never Leave Kansas
Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
Buddies are never where you need them to be.
You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
60 minute camcorder batteries aren't
One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
Acid
Marijuana
Black Russians
Prosaic
Sleeping Pills
You can spot divers by:
Funny Tan Lines
Big Watch
Says "Huh" alot
Bad shocks and springs in car
Scars from trigger fish bites
Expertise on anti-histamines
You can spot old time divers by:
Funny Tan Lines
Big Expensive Watch
Old Jeep with bad shocks
Log Book has volume number on cover
Deaf in at least one ear
Has multiple scars.
Has cylinders older than you are
Talks about making their first wet suit
Dive gear is faded
Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
You can spot newbie divers by:
Sunburned
Timex Watch
Nice car
Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
No diving related scars
Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
Equipment looks nice
Perfect hearing
Good Things to say to Students or Things Instructors Say
Welcome to the foodchain folks, you are no longer on the top!
So what's your point?
Ah, we did cover this in class didn't we?
What part of this did you understand?
No, descending butt first is not acceptable
You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to carry all your gear around for you
Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job
I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!
What do you mean you always bleed like that?
You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
No, this isn't all I do for a living
Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?
No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..BTW, what did you say you did for a living?
Don't worry about this dive UNLESS..______ ! (fill in from below)
You hear the theme music from JAWS
You see someones foot hanging out of a fish's mouth
All the fish on the reef disappear
You see the boat pass you going down while you're on the anchor line.
You know your too deep when I start looking good
You know you need to lose weight when remore' and pilot fish start hanging around you.
You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you can't complete a beach dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks keep pushing you back in the water.
Things Dive Masters Say
I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!
To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:
Can I help you with that mam?
To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard
Looks heavy dude!
You should've been here last week, the visibility was great
You didn't see the whale shark?
This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks
Things Store Owners Say
REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!
Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there
As their instructor, they trust you..so sell like hell!
Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you want?
I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes
I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips
I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment sales
Sorry about the problem with that check
Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself. BTW, did I mention that I had enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!
Let's see, that will be $3,289...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be $3,292.45!
If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!
It's the instructor's fault
Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?
Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?
You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor
Things Divers and Customers Say
Yeah, like I was in the SEALS, but I can't find my card
You got any of that scuba stuff here? (toothpick in mouth manditory)
Can I be certified by tonight, I'm leaving for Cancun tomorrow
My friend Chuck took me diving once. Can I get a discount?
I never had this problem before
Can I hold your hand during the dive?
Are you married?
What do you mean I made a 36 on the test?
I hate your guts
Thank you very much!
The Great Lies of Scuba Diving
Sure, anyone can learn to dive!
Diving is perfectly safe!
Nah, you don't have to be a good swimmer to dive
You can learn to dive in just three days!
Useful Hand Signals Not Found in Diving Manuals
Point finger at SPG. Means: How much air do you have? Raise middle finger if partner has more air than you!
Point at mask. Draw line across chest followed by drawing line from sternum to stomach. Means: Look at the babe over their who's top has fallen off. Variation #1 Draw line from hip bone to hip bone. Means: Look at the stud muffin/babe over there who's trunks/bottoms have fallen down.
Point in a direction, followed by making squeezing motions with both hands. Means: Lets follow the gal/guy in the thong!
Make a motion with hand simulating the use of a yo-yo preceeded with a pointing motion. Means: Look at the Yo-Yo!
Point at divers fins. then make circle with right hand while thrusting left index finger into hole made by right hand followed by pointing at the bottom. Means Hey you jerk, stop kicking up the F'ing bottom!
Point at yourself, point at partner. Then make circle with right hand while thrusting left index finger into hole made by right hand. Means: Hey, ever done it underwater?
Thrust finger of either hand against mask of another diver until their head bounces off cylinder valve. Means: Please pay attrention!
Point at regulator, then point at crotch or rear end. Means Bite me!
